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1. When you’re practically delirious, your stomach in knots because you couldn’t sleep the night before, force yourself into the shower that morning. Spend too long under the water. Your mum and then your little brother will pound on the door for you to get out, but it’s worth taking the extra time. Stop in the kitchen and have a bowl of cereal. Your mum will complain about last night’s dishes, and even though you don’t, you’ll pretend to care. Go ahead and go, be early for your train, and remember to grab a jacket on your way out, since it’s beginning to get cold. He’s going to be there waiting when you get to the train station, and you’re going to hold him tighter than you’ve ever held anybody in your life.
2. When you get to the train station, you’re going to look around and not be able to see him. People are going to pass you by, and they’re going to be irritated that you’re not moving, and you’re not going to give a shit. When you see him, he’ll be waiting by the stairs with open arms. You’ll run to him, feeling like your chest is about to cave in on itself. Remember how it feels to have his arms wrapped around you, remember the pattern of the leaves that have drifted down into the station. Remember how the cool October air feels. Remember how happy you were in that moment, and hold onto it forever.
3. When you’re laying on his bed and you feel an arm wrap around your waist, sink back into it. He’ll say a contented “I could stay here forever.” You’ll answer “what’s stopping you?” You’ll swear to yourself that this is as good as it gets - that being in this bedroom, the sun shining in through the window and the room silent except for soft breaths is as happy as you could ever be, but you’d be wrong. There are memories to be made that you haven’t even begun to think of.
4. When you have to go back home, cry. Go ahead, don’t try to hold it back. You’ll hold him in the train station and soak his shirt with your tears. Upon noticing, you’ll apologize for being so over emotional, but trust him when he says he doesn’t mind. Trust that he’s going to miss you as much as you’re going to miss him.
5. When it’s Christmas dinner and you’re surrounded by love: your parents, your younger brother and his date, it’s okay to be bitter. It’s okay to miss him. Force yourself to get through dinner, after which you’ll dash up to your room and open your computer. When you see him over the screen, the connection will be awful but neither of you will mind. You’ll stay up all night talking, and get scolded the next morning for doing just that, but it’s well worth it.
6. When it’s September and you’re in your new dorm and it doesn’t feel like home, it’s because it isn’t. The walls are cold and yellow and your mattress is thin and you’re miserable, but you’re not going to be miserable here forever. You’re not even going to live here another year. When your roommate comes home drunk with his girlfriend, go ahead and read old texts. Go ahead and be jealous. Go ahead and miss him. Allow yourself that.
7. When you and him are looking at apartments and you feel like you need to pinch yourself to make sure it’s real, do it. It’s very real. You don’t know it yet, but when you step into the flat, despite not being so in love with the lack of storage space and the starkness of the walls, you two will live in here. You’ll make a home here, fill it with all of your belongings. You’ll study here, spend late nights in each other’s beds (your room hardly gets touched), and evenings in the kitchen, the two of you laughing over the events of the prior day. It won’t feel like home when you’re being shown it, but you can make a home as long as the two of you are together.
8. When it’s finals week and you sob out a loud “I can’t do this anymore!” you don’t realize how lucky you are that he’s there. He works early the next morning, first shift at the student run cafe, but he doesn’t hesitate to stay up with you. He’ll wrap the two of you in a duvet and let you cry it out. Once you’re all finished crying, and only then, he’ll assure you that if you really can’t do this, it’s okay to drop out of university. It’ll break your heart to see him leave to go to work, but he’ll check up on you with all of his spare time to make sure you’re okay.
9. When you decide that you’re going to move out into a newer, bigger flat, that’s terrifying, and that’s okay. This one feels like home: you two have built it up over the years on a foundation of soft kisses, late nights, and an incredible amount of love. Moving into London is terrifying, and rightfully so, but it’s going to be one of the best things you’ve ever done. There are so many opportunities there just waiting for you, ones that you can’t even imagine.
10. When you move into your new apartment, you’ll feel like you’re going to collapse (anyone would). Just as you put down the final box, turn around and kiss him, because you both want to. You’re both surrounded by boxes, and you will be for the next few weeks - you two will wind up sleeping in his bed together for awhile out of convenience, not that that’s out of the ordinary. You’ll order Chinese takeaway and look out onto the city of London, and he’ll come out and rest his head on your shoulder and whisper “Christ, we made it.”
11. When he’s yelling and you feel your eyes welling up with tears, it’s a stupid idea to run, but you’re going to do it anyway. You’re going to collapse against your bedroom door and crumble, and you’re going to swear you’ve never felt pain like this before, and you’re going to think and think, trying to figure out where on earth things went wrong, but the fact is that nothing went wrong, or, nothing went wrong that either of you could help. When he tells you “maybe we’re not as in love as they want to think,” it’ll feel like you’ve had the wind knocked out of you. You’ll find yourself unable to speak, and unable to drag yourself out of the lounge that night, while he sleeps soundly in his room, not a care in the world.
12. When it’s the morning after the fight, your head will be pounding. You’ll have slept in your own bed for the first time since you two moved in, and though it was only a double, it felt entirely too vast. This, you’ll think, is the lowest you’ve ever felt. it can’t possibly get any more painful than this (but you’d be wrong). The honest to god worst pain you’ll ever feel is when you’re sitting on the couch that night and he comes out of nowhere with an, “I can’t. Us. Not anymore. I can’t do it. I can’t do us.” You won’t answer. You won’t be able to speak. That night, while he sleeps, you’ll sob to your mutual friend on the phone, and though they try, they won’t be any help. You’ll swear you hate him for doing this, but you don’t. You feel so deeply because you don’t hate him, even though you wish you could.
13. When it’s 3:27 in the morning and you’re just now sneaking out of your bedroom to grab dinner, your stomach rumbling, it’s normal to feel devastated. You’ll sit at the table with a bowl of cold stir fry in front of you, scrolling through twitter. When you read something asking “when are you and Phil doing another collab already?” you’ll feel anger practically consuming you, and shoot back with a fiery response of your own. You two are separate people who happen to live together. That means nothing, even though it used to mean everything.
14. When it’s snowing and it’s late at night and you’re possibly the drunkest you’ve ever been, under no circumstances should you be leaving him a voicemail, but you do anyway. “You fucking hurt me,” you’ll mumble, feeling your voice break. “But you don’t care, do you? Because we’re us, but separate. Guess being us was so fucking terrible, that you just couldn’t deal with it, could you?” you’ll finish, shoving your phone in your pocket. You hang up then, but you can’t make yourself care when he so clearly doesn’t. Your friend will grab your arm with a comforting “come back in, then,” and pull you back into her house. You’ll crash there that night and the next, not daring to return back to the flat.
15. When you’re finally, for the first time in a long time, sitting face to face with him, you’re both going to cry. “Is that what you think it is?” he’ll ask, shaking his head. “That I was embarrassed of you? After all that?” You’ll just shrug, unable to meet his gaze. You didn’t want to think he was embarrassed of you, you didn’t want it to be that, but it seemed pretty fucking obvious.
16. When you’re on the phone with your mum because you can’t imagine where to go from here, you’re going to wonder why you didn’t call her sooner. She’s going to be so sympathetic to you, and that night, you’re going to buy a train ticket back home. You won’t stay, no, but being back home might give you some much needed clarity. She’ll tell you that, from experience, if two people truly love one and other, it’ll work out like it’s meant to. She can’t give you answers, and you don’t expect that of her, but you find yourself counting down the days until you can just be back home with her, even if it’s only for a weekend.
17. When you’re sat on the train, you’ll feel a lonely ache in your chest. You’ve long since shoved headphones into your ears, the smooth sounds of Joyce Manor filling your mind. It’s not your favorite, really, but it’s much better than the thoughts that have been occupying your mind as of late. You stare blankly ahead, just feeling numb. Numb is terrible. Numb is cold and scary and what you’re desperate to rid yourself. Numb is what he made you become.
18. When you’re in your childhood bedroom, you’re going to break down and cry. You’ve been doing that a lot lately, but now your mum is here to comfort you. She’s made tea just how you like it, and you’ve easily hunched over. You’re much taller than her, but you’ll feel small in her arms. You’ll feel small and broken and insignificant, but at least you’re finally feeling something. That night, she’ll make you dinner and you’ll eat like it’s your first meal in years. It’s not, of course, but it’s the first meal you’ve had with company in awhile. You’ve practically forgotten what it’s like, as scary as that is. That’s what he did to you. Later that night, just as you’re heading to sleep, she promises you “it’ll all work out in the end, baby.” You’ll force yourself to believe her because that’s all you can do.
19. When you step back into your flat, you’ll feel drained. You’ll feel exhausted and alone, and he’ll be sitting on the couch. You’ll force yourself to bite your tongue, and as you’re heading back to your bedroom, he’ll call out for you. You’ll nearly tell him to fuck off, but something in you will make you turn towards him and ask an almost silent “what?” Be glad you decided to ask, because he has a hell of a lot to say to you.
20. When it’s 4:07 in the morning and your throat is red and raw from crying and talking all night and his arms are wrapped around you, it’s okay to feel scared. It’s okay to remember how he hurt you. It’s okay to not want to forgive him, and there’s going to be times when you can’t bring yourself to look at him, but it’s all okay because…
21. When you’re both sat in his bed, little dust particles dancing, moving gracefully through the beams of sunlight, he’s going to whisper “I’m so fucking sorry I hurt you” and “I’m never going to let you go again.” He’s not kidding. He’s well aware he hurt you, and it’s one of the biggest regrets of his life. You’ll whisper a hesitant “I hope you’re right, Phil.” You two aren’t okay, but you’re getting there. You’re getting there and that’s all you can ask for.
22. When it’s three months, two weeks, and four days later, you’re going to tell him you love him for the first time since you’ve gotten back together. It’s not a special scenario, nothing romantic, nothing special: you two are in the kitchen. You’ve sat up on the counter, and he’s at the stove, and it feels like old times. It feels like times in his bedroom back at his parents’ house, it feels like when he’d visit at university (except this time in London, and this time with a kitchen easily bigger than your dorm room), it feels like Manchester. It feels like love, and you need him to understand that. Despite all that you’ve been through, you’re going to be okay. The two of you will know you’ve made it…
23. When it’s 2016, and you can’t believe this is your life. When you’ve opportunities alongside the love of your life that you’ve never imagined in any capacity. You’ll know you’ve made it with a wildly successful book, a combined subscriber count of over 9,000,000, and when you’ve been able to travel to places you’ve always wanted to go to. When the two of you are together, when the two of you are truly, truly, the happiest you’d ever been, you’ll know you’re the happiest you’ve ever been. And you’d be right: it doesn’t get better than this.