Chapter Text
It was just after 2AM but sleep wasn't coming to Bernie Wolfe who was sat up in bed trying to wish sleep onto herself. The tiny lamp on the bedside table lit the small room that she adopted as her bedroom when she had moved into her new flat a month or so before. There was another bedroom that was slightly bigger, there was no-one there to occupy it but she had put a bed in there anyway, perhaps in the hope that Cameron or Charlotte might want to stay.
She gave a deep sigh and tried to focus again on the book that lay open on her lap. She had only started it yesterday, finding it on one of the shelves in the office she shared with Serena. She didn't know who's book it was but she took it anyway, she needed something to lull her to sleep. It wasn't her type of book, she wished she'd brought some of her paperwork home as that was sure to get her to sleep. The novel was a romance. A Mills and Boon sort of thing, something that growing up all her friends had read and adored but she had rolled her eyes, tossing it aside in favour of a medical journal. She wasn't at all sure she would stick with it but at 2AM in a relatively empty flat there was little else she could do so she read on. A girl was falling in love with a boy...
Her mind drifted as her eyes scanned the words of the book none quite sticking to her brain. Today had been...unexpected. Totally and completely. The very last person she had expected to see, her son Cameron, had appeared, sitting on a hospital, covered in blood and glass with a 40 something year old girlfriend. The sight of his face, so handsome, covered in blood, the blood still relatively fresh, congealing around his nose, drying in the creases of his skin, had frightened her. It's not something that a Mother wants to see...ever.
And then he had...lied to the police? To protect his middle aged girlfriend? And then she had lied too, gotten caught up in the fierce protectiveness towards her son who was cut up and tired and so young. Too young to be lying to the police, taking the wrap for a woman he hardly knew, risking it all.
She was tired of lying but somehow she always found herself in the middle of a complicated story confused at how she had gotten there. Somehow lying to everyone around her, hiding things she didn't want to, feeling guilty and jumpy and helpless. Lying to Serena, something that she sworn to never do again, ever. The hurt in Serena's eyes when she discovered she had been lied to was something that Bernie could never get out of her head. The look of hurt made her stomach churn, guilt bubbling away at her.
Her eyes strayed away from the page that she had been staring at but not reading for a good 15 minutes and to her phone that was lying dark on the other side of the double bed. She leant over, pressing the home screen button and watching the screen light up straight away. The lock screen image was her children, the time hovering above their heads as they played in the sand at 5 and 6 years old. There was nothing. No messages, emails, notifications of any kind. Nothing. It wasn't surprising, it being the middle of the night and all but...
Was she expecting something? She didn't want to hear from the Hospital, Cameron wasn't allowed to be discharged until the morning. He hadn't been happy that he had had to stay the night but Bernie felt a bit better, she wanted him to be safe and though she knew he was. He was more than fine, healthy with just a dash of whiplash, she just felt better that he was in a hospital, cared for, and that she would see him in the morning.
The backlight on the phone went out and once again the phone appeared dark and empty, sleeping at 2AM. She wasn't expecting anything. Nobody is even awake at this time anyway. She turned her head back to her book but she only managed to read two words before her thoughts wandered once more. This time to the conversation with her son that she had been trying not to think about. Not because it was bad. It was probably the healthiest conversation they had had in years.
But then...she flipped over the page she hadn't read and her eyes went to the first line. She scanned it twice and then a third time, marvelling at the words and how they just wouldn't go into her brain at all. They had talked about Serena. And Bernie had been surprised, genuinely surprised because the absolute last person she had expected Cameron (or anyone) to pair her with was Serena. They were work colleagues, friends, she had told him this.
"I've seen you look at her in the same way."
He had replied. And...more surprise. And she hadn't known what to say and the urge to turn again to look at her friend grew magnificent but she didn't. She was playing it off like it wasn't anything, like it was ridiculous what he was saying.
Because it had to be. But as her son finally took her hand, rubbing it, bringing his Mother back into the conversation, her brain had flicked to life. Clips of moments, like film footage on a reel were being projected in front of her eyes and she could see, as clear as day, what Cameron had been talking about. Times when she had found herself just staring at her friend, over a glass of wine or across her desk. And more than looks. Times when touches had lingered for longer than was necessary, for longer than they used to, that neither of them noticed but enjoyed all the same. Walking too close together, leaning against each other, the ease in which they seemed to move around together. The utter trust that had many a time been tested but still held strong. They should have clashed but somehow they had managed a friendship. A friendship that felt good, close.
And then her son's voice again:
"All those years, you should have just told the truth Mum, it would've been best for everyone."
She slammed her book shut. She should have been feeling...what should she be feeling? Fear? Shock? Like an idiot?
But she didn't, she just felt calm and something that was near to happiness but was just short. She had apologised, desperate to make sure that Serena could hear the sincerity in her voice, in the statement. She had sounded rambling, she was too quiet but she was gentle and her friend's face had softened slightly.
"That's what love is I suppose, defending the indefensible."
Serena had said two lines, almost poetic, and Bernie had felt her heart lighten considerably. Serena may have looked troubled, something she knew she would feel guilt for later, but she had smiled, tiny and grateful that the woman had seemed to have forgiven her. Serena bade her goodnight and she did the same and she was left standing in front of a closed door, just staring.
She closed her eyes tight, placing her head back against the head board of her bed. She really needed to get some sleep. Her shift was a long one the next day and if she remembered correctly her hours were exactly the same as Serena's. She gave a sigh and reached out for her phone, only opening her eyes when she had it held right in front of her eyes. Nothing. She gave a silent snort of laughter and quickly set herself an alarm for the morning before placing it onto the bedside table. She picked up the book she had previously discarded and opened it again...just a few more lines wouldn't hurt.
A few lines turned into a few pages as she got into the story. A story of a girl who falls in love with a boy only for him to move away and leave her. It was badly written, teenage stuff but it was compelling enough. She turned the page and immediately a small folded piece of white lined paper fell out from between the pages. She frowned but picked it up from where it had fallen on her lap. Book abandoned, she carefully unfolded the paper, discovering handwriting that looked like it was from a teenage boy. Her eyes found the top of the page and the words scrawled across the top.
"Dear Serena."
She looked back to the book, it was very possible that book she had borrowed from her office would have been Serena's. She went back to the note that she knew now to be a letter, from who though she was yet to find out.
Dear Serena
I found this book in that little book shop we went in to, you know, the one you loved? I don't know much about books but I know you like romance so I picked this one. I had hoped to see you today at school but it seems like our classes were just too different. I hope to see you tomorrow. Dave said this was a love letter but I think that's stupid. I just wanted to talk to you and this seemed the best way, you know? I think you're wonderful. There's a line in this book, just on the front page, it says, 'the sun only shone when she was there, everything else was rain clouds' and I think that's how my life feels when I don't see you.
--- Tony
Bernie couldn't help but smile, a love letter to Serena from school. Tony seemed sweet enough, the cheesy line he had picked out of the book sounding just as cringy in a teenagers handwriting than when she had read it in the book herself. She read the letter over again and tried to imagine what teenage Serena would have thought about it. She would probably have loved it, she had a sneaking suspicion that under all the divorce bitterness there was a very romance loving Serena Campbell. She flattened out the paper and brought the book back, she then reached over to her bedside table and pulled open one of the drawers. She dug around and found a pen and a colourful stack of notes papers that she had never used.
She absolutely had no idea what she felt for Serena, not properly, so she would join Tony. Burying love notes. Serena wouldn't see them and it would help to get out her feelings on paper. Tony had been brave in sending them, Bernie less so but this was good for her.
So she pulled off the lid of her pen and scribbled on a note.
Dear Serena
I hate this book and when I was a kid I would have much preferred a very large medical journal. A lot went on today but I have to agree with Tony (whoever he is) like the book says, 'the sun only shone when she was there, everything else was rain clouds' you make everything okay by just being here. You really helped today and I miss you, even though it's only been hours since we said goodnight.
I honestly hate this book.
--- Bernie
She folded the note and put it with Tony's note, closing the book. She would read on another day she was suddenly sleepy and hoping that her sudden tiredness wasn't the relief of getting something off her chest. She placed the book on the bedside table and turned out the lamp she rolled around under the duvet in an attempt to get comfortable. Finally, she managed to fall into a light sleep that she didn't wake from until her alarm sounded early morning, signalling it was time to get up for another day at Holby City General.