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It was loud.
It was so loud that she could hardly think. The place was hot. Stuffy. Voices surrounded her, some directed at her, but mostly directed at strangers. Her stomach twisted, nausea washing over her. It had been such a weirdly hot May, it suffocated her. The seat was hard underneath her, and her legs ached from last night’s Tartarus run. Any attempt to refocus her eyes felt useless. She was lost. She didn’t know what to do. She didn’t know how to process it.
“-and, I was just thinking that you could introduce me to some of the girls on your team. I mean, like, if you’re friends with ‘em, man, they're probably cool. You’d be my wingman, right, dude?”
The voice beside her was loud. She’d heard this question before. She’d told him “maybe” last time, but it never happened. They never had time. She ran out of time before, didn’t she? That really happened.
“Minako? You listening? Aw, man, I was talking too long, wasn’t I? Earth to Mina-“
I died.
Junpei stared at her in a way that was confusing. Her breath stuttered as she remembered to breathe.
I said that out loud, didn’t I?
“Yup,” he said breathlessly.
He glanced down at Minako’s food and frowned at the untouched bowl. Heartbeats pounded in Minako’s ears, and she didn’t hear as Junpei called someone over to ask for takeout containers.
She blinked.
Suddenly, they were outside the dorm. Junpei must have asked her something, because he didn’t stop staring at her. She shook her head, finally clearing her mind a bit.
“What did you say..? Sorry.”
For a long moment, he was quiet.
“I asked if you meant it. Or- or if it’s some stupid joke you didn’t mean. I-“
He took a deep breath.
“I’ve uh.. never seen you shook up like that before, man. And… ha… never seen you not finish a meal, yknow? And… I mean, with all the persona stuff… I mean, my whole world has been turned upside down. Just… what did you mean?”
Minako thought quietly, and eventually, when Junpei was sure she hadn’t heard him again, she replied.
She smiled that same “Minako Smile” and shrugged.
“I didn’t mean anything. I’m just tired from last night, Junpei, don’t worry.”
God, it even sounded fake leaving her mouth. Internally, she told herself to practice that.
Junpei gave her that look. The sharp look Minako knew pretty well. He sighed, heavy and deep, before he put on a big smile to match hers. He stepped forward and wrapped an arm around her shoulders, ushering them both into the door.
“Alright, Leader! That does it. No Tartarus for a couple days. We can go without training for a bit, yeah? Let’s get you some food. And a nap.”
The shouting did enough to keep everyone from asking them any questions. Minako almost felt like she’d gotten out of it before Junpei guided them both into the kitchen, closing the door behind them. His back pressed against the closed door and he took a second to breathe. Minako looked him over curiously, and spoke softly.
“Are you okay, Junpei? Are you feeling sick..?”
That must’ve made everything worse, because his face turned sour. His lip twitched and his brows furrowed. The sight made Minako grimace.
Wrong choice, idiot.
“Junpei..?”
“Minako, just be honest with me. Really. Something’s wrong with you. Something’s been wrong from the start! Nothing surprises you, you don’t pay attention in school even though your grades are the only thing keeping you here, and you won’t even finish your damn food!”
He waits for a moment, as if for her to respond. When she doesn’t, he continues.
“Okay, maybe I don’t get you as much as I thought. Maybe I haven’t worked enough to learn about you, but- dammit- you’re like my best buddy, man. It’s stupid to say it out loud, cause- cause I mean it was sorta unspoken, right? Like, we haven’t known each other that long, but- but you’re the coolest person I’ve ever met! And- and I want to be- be the space for you that you are for me! Yknow..?”
Junpei started rambling in the middle. He and Minako both knew it. At some point, words turned more into worried blubbers, and it made something in Minako’s chest tighten. She opened her mouth to speak, but couldn’t reason any words out. It was strained as she finally pushed something through her lips.
“I- I don’t know… I don’t know, Junpei…”
She sounded broken, and in some way, she sort of was. Broken. Used up. Finished.
“I’m dead,” she said again, still having meant for it to stay internal.
“That! What does that mean? I mean, what could it even possibly mean, dude? That’s- It’s insane! I don’t get it. I- I need some air. I’m gettin’ too worked up.”
With force, Junpei sighed deeply, and it was only a few quick strides before he pushed through the back door of the dorm. MInako blinked once again, and suddenly she was also outside. She barely caught the tail end of Junpei’s mumbling. She’d have to apologize for that.
“You weren’t listening… were you..?”
A frown was all she could muster, really, as she shook her head.
“Sorry.”
“Well… man, if you’re not gonna listen… I guess you’ll just have to be the one that talks for once, yeah? Just… go for it.”
He stared at her. Minako hated that stare. Hated that she just wanted to tell him. She trusted him more than anyone. When she lost Shinjiro for the first time? Junpei was who she ran to. When the world was about to end? He took her out to eat, and they pretended everything was… normal. Junpei Iori understood her in a way she could never explain. In a way she could never tell him. Except for now, she supposed.
“I…” she started. “I don’t know. I don’t know where to start.”
Minako hadn’t gone out into the back yard of the dorm very often in her past life. It was overgrown, clearly, as no one ever used it. Husks of old stalks stood side-by-side with new, blooming flowers. For a moment, the sight made her heart ache. With those flowers in mind, she started again.
“I’ve… lived this all before. Some things are different, I guess, but… um… have you ever seen Groundhog Day..?”
The question trailed off. She felt stupid, but he nodded, and she ran with it.
“Um… it’s- so, instead of a day… It's a year! This is my first… or… second… run through. I’m not sure if it goes over and over, I guess, but… I’m doing it again. It- it starts the night I move into the dorm… and… ends… next March.”
Half of it was… mumbled. She had a gut feeling that Junpei hardly caught most of what she was saying, and tears pricked in the corners of her eyes as shame welled up inside of her.
Why couldn’t I just shut about this like everything else? Why couldn’t I just tell him to leave me alone?
“Nevermind, this is stupid. I was handling it just fine all on my own… sorry, I didn’t mean for anybody to notice. We can pretend this never happened, if you wanna- I- What was it that you asked me earlier? Uh… yeah! I can- I can be your wingman. The girls on my team are super nice, and… and…”
She went quiet. It didn't mean anything. Stupid hope was the only thing that had her asking to go back to normal. Stupid hope was the only thing in her that let her believe she could still be normal at all. She hadn’t been normal the last ten years, why did it matter now? Stupid. She felt so stupid.
I’m just so-
Minako blinked. She had to work on that as well. They were at the front steps of the dorm, now. It was after dark, and something warm was heavy in her hands. It was… her leftovers. From Hagakure. Had Junpei warmed it up for her? Speak of the devil, the loudmouth sat right next to her, slurping down his own leftovers. She hated how loud he was when he ate… she always told him so, but he’d just laugh and get louder. Just to piss her off.
“You eat too loud,” she mumbled, finally starting to eat her own ramen.
Junpei’s expression soured only for a second before he smiled wide and laughed the way she was used to. A brash chuckle that annoyed her and made her so fondly happy all at once.
“Welcome back to the land of the living, Leader. You’re spacey, huh? Is that why you’re dead quiet in Tartarus? You don’t gotta answer. Oh. Sorry, not dead quiet. Er- really quiet. Man, is that why you got the highest score for midterms? Can’t believe you didn’t fill me in on all the answers, not cool, dude!”
Why was he talking as if it were all normal? Why wasn’t he looking at her funny? She gritted her teeth for a moment, swallowing the last bite of her food. She didn’t understand. Minako could never understand Junpei. Honestly, she always wondered what it was that drew him to her. She was some class transfer nobody, and she hadn’t gotten the hang of her mask yet. It was easy now, being the outgoing leader everyone wanted, but when Junpei came up to her for the first time, it made no sense. He was just kind, and it made her stomach churn in some new way she didn’t understand. Maybe it was Ryoji, jealous as he was. Maybe it was Death, wishing to understand. Maybe it was just a scared kid that hadn’t moved on from her years of foster care and loneliness.
That was a hard thought. She had a tendency to forget about those years of her life. Well, in comparison to everything else that was going on, it seemed so… meaningless. It was pointless to talk about, and it made even less sense to her to bring it up to anyone else. Minako had seen her fair share of houses, fair share of faces. It was how she’d gotten so good at gauging people and what they needed. There was always a right thing to say, and she always knew how to find it. It was always hard when people figured her out. Like with Shinjiro. With Ryoji. And now, with Junpei.
“Why me?”
The question was weak. Minako knew she had to get a hold on the thoughts she tended to speak aloud, but now wasn't the time for that.
For a second, she was sure that Junpei hadn’t heard her. Then, he sighed. So, she knew she was at least heard. Minako nearly mumbled out an apology, either for changing the topic or ruining their friendship. She wasn’t too sure, yet. It was a selfish question, she knew that much.
“Man, you really don’t listen, do you, leader? I’ve been telling you over and over again, and you still aren't getting it.”
He said it with a smile, but he didn’t look at her. He finished his food first, it seemed, as an empty container sat next to him. Junpei was looking up at the sky. From the dorms, it was pointless to look for stars. The pollution of the city lights made the sky pitch dark, not a light in sight. But then Minako saw it. A small sliver of the moon. Minako’s heart ached.
I used to love the moon.
Junpei was quiet for a moment as he thought. Then, his eyes widened in a way that told Minako that he had an idea. His breath was uneven as he searched for the words, and Minako was on the edge of her step waiting for his voice.
“It’s nice, isn’t it? The moon? I mean, for some people it’s like- this huge symbol. It means something ginormous in their lives, a monument. It’s crazy strong, too. The tides revolve around it, and when you think of the sun, you think of the moon. It makes the night so… bright, and everything would be darker and scarier without it, y'know?"
He was so spirited as he spoke, eyes not breaking away from the sky. Minako didn’t grasp his point just yet.
“But… for some people it’s way more than that. I mean, it’s always there, right? It never leaves and it just hangs in the sky, making everything brighter. Sure, there’s stars and the small planets in the sky around it, but when you look up into the night sky, do you look at the stars first, or the big, bright moon? The moon that’s always there for you, and the moon that’s strong enough to pull and push the ocean around.”
Junpei’s breath stuttered again, as if he’d been holding it the whole time, or forgotten to breathe.
“You get what I’m saying?”
She felt bad saying no, so she stayed quiet. If she thought about it, maybe she’d understand, but thinking was a chore at that point. It stung to think.
“I really hope you do, because that was like, the sappiest shit I’ve ever said in my life, and I’m not doing it again.”
Finally, he turned to her, smiling just as wide as always. A smile that brightened her nights. One that was always there. One that was strong and so very kind.
In a flash, she understood.
Minako smiled back, softly, and it felt real. More real than the mask she’d grown so used to. Damn Junpei for getting under her skin. Damn him for being the best friend she could ever ask for. She smiled and she started to laugh. It started quiet, gentle like her smile, but it slowly got louder and louder. Heavy with something Junpei wouldn’t understand. Tears filled her eyes, and started rolling down her cheeks. She was happy. She felt lighter than air.
Damn you, Junpei. Damn you for being the best guy in the world.
It was a whisper in her mind, and as her eyes finally reopened and looked at Junpei, she realized she’d spoken aloud again. His smile was fond. She could tell in his expression that he wanted to laugh along, that he wanted to share the feelings with her, and she let him. Minako simply smiled wider at him and took a deep breath.
“Don’t let it get to your head, okay, Ace Detective?”
“We’ll see about that one, Leader.”
She took another breath and stood quickly, stretching out her body. Tension felt like nothing, now that she was sharing the weight.
“I owe you for Hagakure. Wanna walk to Paulownia? We can stop in the cafe. My treat.”
He chuckled at that and stood with her, excitement rushing through him and bouncing in the heels of his feet.
“I’ll never say no to free anything, man. Let’s get outta here.”
Maybe some other night she’d explain it all better. But for now, this was enough. And it was perfect.