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Platonic. What an ugly word.
If he could think of a single word to describe what he has with Yushi it would probably be that. Except it’s more. It deepens like the ocean waves nobody but the horizon sees. It’s one-sided affection he has to tone down because Yushi’s not ready, and Riku’s starting to think he’ll never be.
Riku’s a lot of things, at his best he’s a loving son, brother, friend and idol. At worst, he’s an overthinker with complex emotions who needs time and space away from everything. That’s not the expectation given to idols, who have to bare their souls at every given time, have every moment captured on camera because that sells and everything undocumented is money forgone.
Yushi has said multiple times to him- “Riku, whatever it is you do with Sion and Jaehee…. I don’t want it.” Riku respects him for that, but at the same time thinks it’s impossible to hide. Yushi’s the Thelma to his Louise. The Bonnie to his Clyde. The Kaworu to his Shinji. They laugh, they sleep beside each other, chat about everything from the weird to the wonderful.
Yushi knows he likes guys.
Yushi’s cool with it.
Sometimes, they spend hours on end just hugging and cuddling. Completely platonic. Yushi taking in his scent and vice-versa. That’s what friends do right? Just a normal hangout when there’s no practice and there’s time on their hands. Normal things friends do, nothing to write home about.
Riku thinks it’s normal. Making playlists and sending them to Yushi. Bugging Yushi to watch a romantic movie with him and Yushi’s just phasing out so Riku has to narrate all the things he’s missed which is almost everything.
“And it’s romantic Yushi, because the guy doesn’t know the girl liked him all along when it was so obvious.”
“Maybe the guy didn’t want it and the girl’s pushing something else when she promised friendship. That’s selfish of her..” Yushi jokes, and Riku just smiles because maybe it isn’t romantic. Yushi said it wasn’t.
So when Riku starts feeling butterflies when Yushi calls him cute or when he wears that blue bracelet once in a blue moon during practice, it feels wrong. It’s an unwelcome change Riku didn’t want. An attraction that goes beyond platonic, making him hate that word entirely. It’s love, all the butterflies that’s supposed to signal danger but it doesn’t register because he’s so in love.
The heartache later- Riku thinks he can endure it.
When Yushi casually drapes his arm during practice, or when he hesitates to hold Riku with longing stares and glances, Riku thinks maybe there’s something there. Maybe if their eyes meet, they’ll kiss it out and Yushi would want him too. There’s a desire that wants to be reciprocated. Because Riku loves so much, loves everyone that singling it out on one person makes him scared. What if he can’t love again after Yushi? What if Yushi can’t love him back? In that way, in the way he longs for. What if their friendship dynamic changes and Yushi just cold turkeys and stops talking to him altogether?
Riku knows how that feels. He’s done it to multiple ex-boyfriends when he’s no longer interested and thinks this is karma. Here you are, saddled with a boy that will confuse you to no end, but you love that about him.
Love makes you want to understand.
When Riku spends time with him, the feelings get stronger. It turns possessive. There’s hurt somewhere when Yushi choses other members over him even when Yushi doesn’t mean to. Yushi loves Wish so much. Riku should be more understanding, but on some days, he isn’t. He feels the age gap between him and Yushi more and more, like there’s a whole world he’s not privy to as much as he tries to pry himself in.
Reflection. Riku’s learned this a lot in therapy. How to internalize things. How to have healthy coping mechanisms so you don’t displace anger and hurt towards people you love and care about. That's what the notebook Yushi gave him is for these days. He used to write lyrics on love before, but it was cheesy and he'd rather die than let anyone see it. These days, it feels more real.
When they’re drunk one night after an award show, Yushi gets a little too tipsy. It’s usually Riku who’s a mess so it excites him to see a side of Yushi he hasn’t seen before.
Alcohol makes people brave. It also lets them make mistakes because there’s something to be blamed, that hides the elephant in the room nobody wants to talk about.
Yushi leans forward, not to fall, but to kiss Riku. It’s not a casual smooch or a soft peck the way drunk straight frat girls would when they thought they were being revolutionary with pretend queerness. It was Yushi, his lips on Riku, intoxicating Riku with tongue, making out like he was there to devour. Riku didn’t even know how this happened. The previous moment, they were just laughing at how cute Yushi did TT and how he’s the MVP for anything cute wish has to do. Yushi cradles Riku’s head like he’s been thinking about it too this whole time. Lips locking, tongues dancing, and for a brief moment, Riku thought he understood.
It was electric, paralyzing, realizing that he could surrender everything to Yushi and not be laced with regret. Yushi’s lips were fuller than anything he’s imagined. He thought it would be a different thing completely as a romance afficionado, that he’d do the confessing and that Yushi would realize he’s worth loving too.
Yushi stops talking to Riku the morning after. Riku thinks it’s the hangover, or the stupor carrying over into the morning but it stretches for a week and Riku gets scared. They’ve never fought before. Yushi’s still interacting with the members but only interacts with him when they have official group activity.
This was what Riku was scared all along- losing Yushi. Losing Yushi as his great love, as someone he has unresolved feelings for which he now has to go through alone, because he lost his best friend too and it’s not like he’s going to the other members and telling them how he fucked up everything with Yushi.
He calls his mom. He asks if his mom loved his dad, not that they ever fought because that was obvious. His mom tells him she’s grateful for him. Grateful for all three of her wonderful children.
“I love you, Riku.” his mom says.
Riku cries. He needed to hear that from anyone at this point.
It takes two weeks and Yushi comes back. They never really talk about it, but they piece things back together. Yushi’s still his best friend. They still hang out, doing things they’ve always done together.
But it’s different somehow. Yushi’s loading the horror movies and Riku has to get through it, closing his eyes through most of it and having Yushi narrate it to him. There’s a boundary now. Yushi doesn’t hug or cuddle him or hold his hand like they used to. There’s a distance to how close they are now. Riku misses it. He misses it so bad. But it doesn’t hurt as much as he thought it would because he still has Yushi. Yushi who he loved and respected, with all his need for personal space and boundaries.
These days, Yushi has a boyfriend. But there’s still layers to it. Riku thinks Yushi likes him somehow. He can’t prove it, but he thinks that as an idol, part of his job description was to make everyone like him.
“Yushi, remember when you drunkenly kissed me? Whatever happened to that?” Riku asks jokingly while they were watching Scary Movie, which can be argued as both horror and a romance if you squinted far enough.
“It wasn’t a mistake. You were a good kisser.” Yushi says seriously. “Maybe one day, we’ll do it again.”
“Or not. I have a boyfriend now.”
Riku still doesn’t know a lot of of things about Yushi. He’s a perplexing enigma, a scientific problem one could spend their whole life on and never truly understand. It’s weird, and confusing, and it bites at Riku at nights and makes him sweat more than he has to.
That at a point in time, Yushi would’ve like him back.
Riku’s still sees Yushi everyday. He still loves him. He’s still in love with him. He’s gotten a bit used to Yushi and Jaehee dating while feeling that what he has with Yushi is something between friendship and this unknown territory they never really got to explore. It’s a complicated friendship, but what gay friendship isn’t? Riku, despite the constant mixed signals, the wrenching heartache, and the unspoken feelings which is bursting at the seams held together by his consideration and love for both Yushi and Jaehee breaks him inside.
Riku’s grateful. He’s happy to have Yushi in his life. He’s more mature now. He thinks that romance is also good when it endures. Except he knows it first-hand now. Loving someone doesn’t necessitate they love you back the same way. Besides, he’s pretty sure Yushi loves him in his own Yushi way. It’s far from perfect, and Riku’s still adjusting to it.
But he can’t dwell on it too much, he still has miles to sleep and a fanmeeting to do tomorrow.