Work Text:
Dear Diary,
Today is
Are you there God? It’s me, Dean Winchester
Fuck it. I’ve been having all these chick flick moments recently and I just need it get it out. Maybe writing all this down will help me move past whatever this is.
This is stupid but it’s the kind of stupid I can’t tell anyone about. Not even Sam and especially not Dad. So, here am I spilling my feelings into a diary like some sort of girl.
But whatever this is has been building up inside since I’ve met him. Mick’s been dating this guy Cas since October. And I don’t have anything against gay people, I swear! Charlie’s my best friend and she’s gay. It’s just…. Shit, I don’t know how to explain it but the guy is so fucking weird and I can’t stop thinking about him.
Look I know how gay that sounds but I swear it’s not like that! Cas is weird but he’s good kind of weird. He grew up homeschooled cause his folks are the kind of religious nuts who thinks anything but serving God is a waste of time. Somehow he turned out alright though. He’s so serious looking but when you get to know him, he’s just a weird, dorky, little guy. Sensible shoes and all.
He doesn’t get my refernces most of the time. The one time Charlie found out he’s never seen Star Wars, all three of us binged the original trilogy and sequels for hours. When he’s doesn’t always get my jokes, he does this squinty head tilt thing.
He always wears that dorky trenchcoat. I told him it made look like a holy tax accountant. He asked about the holy part and I was like cause your name, Castiel. Then he-I..I don’t know how to explain it. He just fucking smiled and asked “Do you think I’m an angel, Dean?”. And I froze. Actually froze like a deer in headlights. How the hell was I supposed to answer that?! Then the fucker just laughs and explains the angel was Cassiel not Castiel. It was fine cause he didn’t notice but it was weird right? Like why would another guy ask another guy if the other guy thinks they’re an angel. It weird and stupid but whatever. Maybe that’s what gay guys do.
I promise I’m not homophobic. In fact I introduced Mick to Cas. Sort of. We were at a party. There was spin the bottle it was my turn it landed on Cas who was just some guy at the time. Cas isn’t a bad looking. Like if I was into dudes he probably be one of them. Blue eyes and black curly hair are attractive on anybody. But as I was about to turn him down Mick stepped in. At first I thought he was just taking one for the team. I didn’t even know he liked dudes like that. It started off slow but then they start going at it. Frenching in front of the whole party. For someone that looks like a prude, Cas is kinda a freak. Finally, they broke away for air and have pretty much been together ever since.
I wasn’t sure what to make of Cas at first. I didn’t even think we were going to be friends. Mick is a dick from time to time but he’s still a good friend. So, I trusted his judgement.
Cas didn’t really talk much in the beginning. I didn’t even think he liked any of us. He spoke when spoken to but he mostly kept to himself or at Mick’s side. Oh and staring. His staring really skeeved me out. Those big blue eyes become pretty damn unnerving when they’re glued on your back. Can’t remember when it was but one day when everyone was suppose to meet up Mick and Charlie had to bail. Guess Cas didn’t get the memo because he showed up at the door soaking like a wet cat. I got him into the house to dry him off. He knew Mick wasn’t coming but wanted to show up anyways. Guess he already thought we were friends.
Turned out Cas is funny in a straight man sorta way. Sammy wanted to watch some documentary about bees or something. I said it was for nerds or something and Cas just deadpans “Bees pollinate 80% of the world’s flowering plants, Dean. You should show them more respect”. I don’t think he meant to be funny but it was hilarious. Offended about bees of all things! And then…I don’t know we became like friends, friends. You know?
Long story short he’s my best friend now. More than Benny even. But the problem is sometimes this thing happens when he kisses Mick. I don’t know how to really explain it. It’s not like I’m angry at them for kissing. That’s stupid. But like I kinda am? If I really had to put it into words, I get a little irritated at them I guess. I’m not homophobic, I just don’t want them to kiss in front of me. God, just writing that sounds bad but I swear it isn’t like that. I don’t like PDA in general. It’s none of my business but if I had the choice I rather not see it, you know? That’s normal. I know plenty of people like that.
I don’t have a problem with Mick or Cas being gay for each other. I just really don’t want to see it. Damn. I really do sound like a dick. But I promise it’s not like that. Mick is my friend too but these days….I don’t know I just don’t feel like being around him. He hadn’t changed. I think. It’s just every time I see him, there’s this part of me that wants him to go away. He’s a little snarky at times but a good guy. Usually. I just don’t understand what Cas sees in him sometimes.
In a friend kinda (Not gay!) way I do think about Cas a lot. When I get good news I might even call him before Sammy and trust me very few people are on that list. He’s got a dry sense of humor that kinda addicting even when it throws people off sometimes. He weirdly philosophical at times which just shows off his earnest view about life (Bees too. Apparently). Then there’s his eyes. They’re just so fucking blue. They just light up you know? When he sees cheeseburgers or makes someone laugh or…Mick. You don’t want to look away cause it’s like all the tones of the sky and ocean kaledioscoped together. (Okay that was the girliest thing I’ve ever written.) Like if Cas was a girl I probably would have a a big crush of her. Him? That normal to think probably. I mean guys usually get along better with other guys. So, if one of those guys was a girl, it would normal to want them, right?
Maybe I’m just jealous that my buddy is in such a good relationship. This lone wolf shit isn’t what it’s cut out to be.
If there was someone like Cas. Tell me, where can I find a woman like that?