Chapter Text
Love and lust.
These two things can be confusing.
Love is an unexplainable feeling of affection, care and admiration for a special little someone that gives you that warm happy feeling when you’re in their presence.
It could be platonic or romantic, physical or emotional.
Love is love no matter the situation as long as it's appropriate.
Love is given from both sides in a relationship, not just one.
Both must care for each other rather than the other just disregarding the one for their selfish needs
On the other hand,
Lust is generally depicted as one seeking sexual intimacy with another without concern about the other person, a selfish sexual act you could say.
It could also be a deep want for something (lust for power) similar to greed in a way, but the line can be very blurred between the two.
Lust is selfish, that's what sets itself away from love, only caring for your wants in most cases your sexual gratification.
Chasing to get that adrenaline when having intercorse with another not intending if they’d enjoy it or not, only caring that it made you feel better.
John struggled to tell the difference at times.
Even after being reassured by his own god that he’s done nothing remotely wrong with the relationship he’s currently in, he still held fear for that dreadful sin. Each reassurance made him more and more skeptical.
Was this a way to get him to fall into sin again? To take him back to that purgatory, away from the loves of his life? What was he thinking? His god wouldn’t do that. He shouldn’t question his god’s word but after his whole life and more he can't help but wonder.
Is his relationship sinful? Loving two people at once? Those two people that happened to be men too?
Oh he was spiraling again, he didn’t know where he was anymore but did it matter? He’s gonna suffer no matter what, he’s close to losing his hope, his light. The only thing shining in his dark pitiful life is the two he loved oh so dearly.
He’s so goddamn selfish
He could hear the rain already.
“John…?” A soft voice came from next to him. The priest nearly jumped out of his skin, or what he called skin, at the sound of his name, whipping his head around to find the origin.
“Hey John, it's just me!” Guests soft voice said from next to him, giving him a reassuring pat on his shoulder. John let out a sigh pulling away from the touch.
“Geez didn’t realize you were that skittish today Johnny boy, what's up with you this time?,” Expendable said from the arm chair he was situated on. John looked at the both of them, letting his shoulders relax slightly. “I’m sorry, just got lost in thought…” he signed, his hand movements slowing towards the end.
He slowly etched towards the doorframe to stand underneath it. He can still hear the roar of red droplets in his head, it looked like a sorrowful thunder storm today…
The other two men oblivious to the internal suffering of their other partner began discussing what to do next.
“You know we should take a break from walking, call it a night,” Guest started looking up at expendable. Expendable nodded slightly fiddling with a flashlight. “I suppose so, it’s been a while since we had a decent rest, plus it would be a good idea considering someone here is a bit out of it,” the convict flatly said, looking at John who was shaking slightly in the doorframe completely lost in thought. A dry humourless chuckle escaped his lips at the sight of the strong priest shaking in his boots.
“Sometimes I wonder what he’s been through at his place that made him so paranoid in general, maybe that explains some of his habits? Like hiding behind stuff for no reason? Or flashing his flashlight at absolutely nothing.” Guest murmured, with a look of concern for John. “Don’t worry love, he’ll tell us when he’s ready, whether it’s sooner or later,” Expendable said, getting up and placing a uncharacteristicly soft kiss on Guests forehead.
Guest nodded worry etched on his worn face, John had been much more alert to say the least since they made their relationship official, more on edge than he was normally, and that’s saying something for the already paranoid priest.
Guest had assumed it was because John had never been in a relationship with two other people, let alone two men. But then his strange habits started acting up more.
“Alright let’s go find a room with a bed in it for us, hopefully John decides to actually sleep with us instead of the floor.” Expendable joked with a hint of concern as he ran his hand through his hair.
Guest let out a humorless laugh at the memory.
It had happened once before, the trio found an opportunity to rest but could only find a room with one bed. The three decided, with John's reluctance, that they’d all sleep in the bed together.
John looked physically uncomfortable in the middle of Guest and Expendable, but he had been trapped between their cuddles, unable to move. His mind raced at the mere touch of his two partners. Thoughts, dirty thoughts passed through his head, oh how much he wanted to kiss them both, to let their touches roam his frame exploring every inch of him.
Static filled his vision, it got more and more cloudy with each moment and each thought
His breath sped up slightly, on the verge of a minor panic attack, his chest tightened as sweat rolled down his forehead, dripping down to his chin. As much as John would rather not wake the two loves of his life, he couldn’t take this, the elk would get him, grasp his thoughts and twist them into greedy lustful ideas that plagued his mind.
Static continued to fill his vision in layers of a migraine, he slipped through the two pair of arms and legs that held him bound to the bed and got out situating himself on the floor. The static cleared, slowly but surely. John sat against the wall wide awake until the last spec of static left his sight. He spent the rest of the night on the floor in a pitiful attempt to not let it happen again.
When guest woke up that morning he noticed that something or rather someone was missing from their spot on the bed.
Guest had asked John about it the day after but the priest brushed it off as he was “uncomfortable on the bed” which the tourist doubted. Expendable had also found it strange but in the end brushed it off as John’s religious beliefs or whatever. To him it wasn’t a terribly big deal since the trio had other things to focus on.
Expendable got up walking over to the priest giving him a tap on his shoulder to snap him out of his mental spiral. A small flinch emitted from John as he snapped back to reality at expendable’s touch.
“Oi, John, we’re gonna get some shut eye. Then tomorrow we head on, is that cool?” Expendable explained giving the other man a small smile. John nodded, fiddling with his fingers nervously. Expendable chuckled, giving John a pat on his back before gesturing for Guest and John to follow. The two followed the convict into another room within the hotel that had a bed that could probably fit the three of them.
John fidgeted nervously, he could already see static filling his sight.
But he pushed it down for the moment.
Everything is fine…