Archive of Our Own

“You said you had something to tell me,” Taejun said, his heavy gaze boring into Wonyoung’s face as they sat at the hotel bar together and the sky outsider grew even darker. He sounded a bit more intense than usual.

A bit of paranoia hit Wonyoung, but he tried to reassure his racing heart. There’s no way he knows. He’s… He’s probably worried I’m mad about him hiding his identity or… or something. Too many things were racing around his head for him to figure anything out. He was scared of being another Cheon Inho. Scared of screwing this all up even worse. He just didn’t know.

And drinking more for some liquid courage seemed really appealing…

“Tell me…” Taejun continued, “Before you get drunk.” He actually almost… sounded afraid, which didn’t make sense.

He can’t know and be afraid of me being honest, Wonyoung thought. So… what would make him afraid? Wonyoung knew he could do that, if Taejun knew how Wonyoung had been abusing knowledge of Taejun’s identity already… but there was no way Taejun knew, was there?

It would hurt Taejun so much.

Wonyoung thought of how bold Taejun’s ex had been. How twisted. And the last person Wonyoung wanted to be like was Taejun’s ex, but… at least the snake had spoken.

Am I more of a coward than a guy like that? Wonyoung thought. He imagined how miserable Taejun had been. And he handled it so gracefully now.

Wonyoung blinked and looked around the bar and restaurant, as if seeing it for the first time. Because we’re in public. That’s why he didn’t make a scene. He couldn’t. People would stare. It would be even worse.

And he realized he had them sitting here, about to drop horrible news, basically ambushing Taejun into politeness. Sure, it meant Wonyoung would be safe if Taejun got really upset, but even now, in an attempt to air the truth, he was being manipulative. It had been his idea to go to a restaurant, after all… But he also hadn’t know where they’d stay for the night, since he couldn’t take Taejun back to his apartment without revealing the scheme…

“Shit…” He muttered, frustrated with himself again. And the mess he’d made of everything. Even being honest.

“What’s wrong?” Taejun asked.

“Can we go back to the hotel room?” Wonyoung asked, instead.

Taejun’s eyebrows rose in surprise. “Sure, if you’d like.” He sounded wary, now.

Wonyoung continued, “I just don’t know if it’s something we should talk about in public. I don’t want you to feel pressured.”

“…Okay.” Taejun was frowning at him, but still stood up.

Wonyoung twisted his fingers as he walked around the hotel room. It was bigger than his apartment, but still felt too small. Too closed in. At least in the restaurant, he could almost breathe through his panic.

He knew Taejun wasn’t happy with the stalling, but getting started was hard.

“Is it about the reunion?” Taejun asked, suddenly.

Wonyoung’s heart raced and he turned to Taejun, who was also standing a short distance away, with his arms crossed in front of his chest. “What?” Wonyoung thought of Yeonhee, who’d encouraged him to be honest. But Taejun wasn’t psychic. He couldn’t know that.

“You saw your ex,” Taejun explained, not helping Wonyoung’s anxiety. “She’s beautiful. Do you miss that?”

Wonyoung was so focused on trying to remember the speech he’d made up in the bathroom that he had nothing left over to figure out what Taejun was getting at. “Sorry, I’m not sure what you mean?”

“Dating a woman,” Taejun said, a bit sharply.

Wonyoung just stared at him for a long time. Then he snorted and covered his face in his hands. “What are you…? No that’s… No.” He almost wished it was that simple.

“I don’t think it’s funny,” Taejun muttered.

Wonyoung winced and put his hand down. He would have moved closer to Taejun, but he was afraid to. “Sorry, I know that with your ex… I mean… I know it’s not funny. Sorry.”

“Then what is it?” Taejun asked, still frowning at him. “You look like you’re going to fall apart.”

“Because I’m afraid of losing you,” Wonyoung explained, though even that made his heart race more.

Taejun’s eyebrows rose in surprise again. “Why?”

Wonyoung breathed in deeply. He was shaking so hard. “Please don’t get angry. Please just… Just hear me out first.”

Taejun took a step closer, but stopped when Wonyoung grimaced. “Okay.”

Wonyoung looked at Taejun. His handsome face. His brave expression. He was so bold and strong and… and Wonyoung was going to hurt him. Again.

“I’m sorry,” Wonyoung said, quietly, and saw Taejun’s lips part in surprise. “I’m so sorry, I…” He swallowed and looked away. “I don’t deserve your apology about keeping your identity a secret. I am… the last person to…” He breathed in deeply. “I’ve been lying about so much more.” Everything he rehearsed was gone. He should have practiced it more.

“What were you lying about?” Taejun asked after a moment.

Wonyoung thought back to when this all began. About how stupid and cruel he’d been. “We didn’t meet by coincidence. Not exactly, anyway.” He shut his eyes. “I was suspended from work.”

“Suspended?” Taejun asked, sounding confused. But of course, he thought Wonyoung had never worked before Donghee hired him.

“My boss,” Wonyoung continued, “he was being investigated for corruption... I was… well, I was basically his gopher. I didn’t know what he was doing, but I was the person who worked closest with him. So I was suspended during the investigation.” He still was, but well, he wasn’t sure how that’d end up at this point… “A friend told me to take a vacation before looking for a new job. Clear my head or something. So I picked Gangneung, because it was scenic. And…” How had it all begun, really? “My landlady gave me a meal on one of her plates, which I broke. And I was trying to replace it. So she sent me to your store. And I had no idea, honest, that it was you, that you were there…” He swallowed, feeling too nervous and like this was all a mess and made no sense at all. “But while I was at Taepyung, one of my coworkers, Jung Sunho, roped me in on a project to find you. Because the chairman loves your work and wanted to get a contract with you. So after talking with you for a while, well… I recognized you.”

Taejun was eerily silent now, likely processing everything.

“I was a complete asshole,” Wonyoung said. “But I had loans and other bills and…” It all sounded so stupid. “It doesn’t matter. I contacted Mr. Jung about it… And he said that… that I should become your acquaintance so I could find out why you stopped working, when you were planning to come back, if you already contracted with another gallery…”

Taejun made a soft noise then, and his eyes were narrow. He was angry.

“Mr. Jung said they’d give me my job back if I helped get a contract with you,” Wonyoung said, lamely. “I felt guilty at first, but I just… I wasn’t thinking about it enough. You were a stranger then, I was stupid, I…” I didn’t love you then. It was easy to use you for my own gain.

He really was horrible.

“You what?” Taejun asked, sharply.

“I never thought I’d end up having feelings for you,” Wonyoung said. “It doesn’t matter, though. I’m sorry, Mr. Yoon.” He couldn’t erase all the awful he’d done. And how had he thought it would be better to hide it? It was horrible.

Taejun still gazed at him, steadily, clearly not accepting the pathetic apology.

“You don’t have to talk to me again or… or anything,” Wonyoung said, not quite sure what he was saying anymore. “I—”

“You said you worked for Taepyung?” Taejun asked.

Wonyoung froze for a moment, before gazing downward and saying, “Yes. But not anymore.”

“Ah,” Taejun said.

Wonyoung imagined he was getting the company in a bit of hot water… but it wasn’t like he’d been working alone! And they had suspended him for something that wasn’t his fault, after everything he’d done for them! Why should Wonyoung have his feet in the fire on his own?

The silence stretched between them. Everything Wonyoung felt he could say felt meaningless.

“Why are you telling me this now?” Taejun asked, sounding angry. “I haven’t signed a deal with them yet.”

Wonyoung grimaced. “I um… I’ve wanted to tell you for a while. But I didn’t know how.” And clearly, he still didn’t.

“Did they retract their offer?” Taejun asked, seemingly ignoring Wonyoung’s comment. “And you wanted to see if I’d convince them for you?”

Wonyoung frowned at him. “No? No, that’s not… No. I stopped taking calls from Mr. Jung, I stopped… I hoped it would all go away if I just ignored it. I was going to find another job somewhere else, but I still… I still hurt you. Regardless.”

“So it was guilt,” Taejun said, coolly.

“Well, yeah,” Wonyoung replied. “And I… I wanted to be honest with you.” He smiled sadly. “You thought something happened at the reunion? Well, my noona, she… She told me to be honest. Not to build relationships on sand, like I was trying to do.” He looked down sadly. “And I was a coward…”

Taejun breathed in deeply and turned away.

It’s over, Wonyoung thought bitterly, as he gazed at Taejun’s back. Maybe it’s for the best. He deserves someone better.

“You didn’t think you’d have feelings for me,” Taejun said.

“Yes,” Wonyoung said, pained. “You… I didn’t expect that…”

“So you didn’t seduce me on purpose?” Taejun asked. His expression grew angrier. “Did you know I was into men?”

“What?!” Wonyoung asked, alarmed. “No! I thought you were straight!” He’d thought that for so long. “I just wanted to be friends or… or something… And it just spiraled and… And I ended up liking you a lot. So much. So… so much.” His eyes felt hot. “I’m sorry. I’m just as bad… I’m worse than your ex…”

Taejun was quiet for a while then, to the point Wonyoung wondered if he should say something, but nothing felt right. At last, Taejun asked, “What did you expect to happen, then? Once you confessed?”

Wonyoung blinked. “I…”

“So you confessed and then what?” Taejun asked. “You say you don’t expect me to get you a job at Taepyung. You say you have feelings for me. You say you’re sorry. So what? What did you expect my response to be?”

Wonyoung just stared at him, not sure how to respond. He just wanted to come clean, and hoped they’d move past it or…

Taejun grimaced. “Did you expect me to forgive you? To believe anything you’re saying, after everything you’ve lied about?”

A part of Wonyoung honestly had. Even though he knew better. “No,” he said quietly, making Taejun raise an eyebrow. “I wanted your forgiveness. But I expected you to leave. To… To be angry. To try to hurt me. It’s why I was afraid of saying anything…”

“And this had nothing to do with losing your deal with Taepyung?”

Wonyoung’s eyes were hot. Taejun seemed so distant now. And that was how things were just going to be. Wonyoung had something good, and ruined it before it even started. “I don’t care about that. I know you don’t believe me, but I don’t.” He swallowed nervously. “I was going to tell my Mr. Jung to drop this. To leave you alone. I can call him now or… You can listen in on the call if you’d like—” He pulled out his phone.

“No,” Taejun said. “You’re a mess. Don’t do it now.”

Wonyoung clutched his phone, not sure what else to do.

Taejun didn’t walk up to him or anything, but he looked away. “I need some time to think this through.”

“O-Okay,” Wonyoung said. Thinking it through could mean a lot of things…

Wonyoung didn’t want to hope. If anything, he imagined Taejun might just be thinking how to properly punish Wonyoung.

“And I don’t want you to contact me until I’m ready,” Taejun said.

“Of course,” Wonyoung said. It hurt, recalling they’d only just started dating. And Taejun had followed him back to the city because he couldn’t bear being apart for so long. And now, he was acting like Wonyoung was dirt on his shoe. It was fair, but still hurt.

“…You’re a mess,” Taejun said.

Wonyoung looked up when Taejun walked closer.

But then Taejun stopped, before standing too close. He gazed down at Wonyoung, and his expression was just… sad.

Wonyoung had made him look that way.

“Use the room,” Taejun said, distantly. “I got it for the night.”

“But it’s yours,” Wonyoung said, alarmed. “I can leave, I—” The last thing he wanted was to keep relying on Taejun’s resources and name.

“You’re in no state to be outside right now,” Taejun said. “Just use it. I’ll figure something else out.”

Wonyoung swallowed. He felt like such an asshole. Worse than that, really.

“You should eat something,” Taejun said. “You’ve just had a lot of alcohol and not much else.” He grimaced and turned away, before leaving the room. The door clicking shut behind him was loud.

It felt wrong to just use the room Taejun was paying for, after everything, like Wonyoung was taking advantage of the potter’s feelings, but it also felt weird to leave it to waste, especially after Taejun had told him to stay. And Taejun had told Wonyoung not to contact him first, so it wasn’t like Wonyoung could tell him, “I’m leaving” again or something. And he couldn’t stomach the idea of food. So Wonyoung showered in an attempt to clear his head, though it didn’t help. After he’d dried his hair and put on a bathrobe, as he didn’t have any spare clothes, he just lay on the huge bed, staring at the ceiling in the dark.

The room was so nice. And Taejun had got it for them. All those promises he’d hinted at before they went down to the restaurant… All the things he’d wanted to do. But Wonyoung had ruined it…

He deserved to know, Wonyoung thought, miserably. It’s better this way.

He wondered if it was safe to sleep. Taejun might come back angry. And then what? Wonyoung knew he could be pushy, but he wasn’t cruel. He wouldn’t hit Wonyoung, would he?

Wonyoung wouldn’t blame Taejun if he wanted to, though.

He wondered if Taejun went to sleep in another hotel room. Or maybe drive back to Gangneung…

Wonyoung also wondered if Taejun had talked to Donghee. And Wonyoung realized he’d need to talk to Donghee to explain things. There was no point in keeping up the lies. And maybe Donghee would somehow have advice, since he was pretty smart and had known Taejun longer…

“But wait,” Wonyoung said. “Does he know who Taejun really is?” Of course Donghee had never told Wonyoung, but maybe it was a secret Donghee and Taejun kept between them, even more than Taejun being into men…

Wonyoung clutched his phone, and realized he couldn’t risk it. If he fucked up even more, Taejun would hate him even more. All the permutations of speaking vaguely about it – that he’d lied about something in his past in order to use Taejun – would make Donghee ask more questions. If he knew Taejun’s real identity, that was one thing, but if he didn’t…

“I just won’t talk to him,” Wonyoung said to the empty room. “When Taejun gets in touch again, I’ll ask if I can talk to him, just to explain things…” He put a hand over his face, imagining returning to Gangneung just to get his stuff and say goodbye to people because Taejun hated Wonyoung’s guts and never wanted to see him again.

It hit him then how he could probably never talk to anyone about this. His parents wouldn’t understand any of it, let alone his going out with a man, and his friends wouldn’t either. Potentially no one in Gangneung knew Taejun’s identity, and they’d think Wonyoung was horrible for what he did. Taejun would likely never speak to him again, and Donghee would likely do the same if he ever learned the truth.

The thought of losing Taejun forever felt like a knife in Wonyoung’s heart.

In the end, Wonyoung was too stressed out to sleep. He got up and walked back and forth, browsed online, put on soothing music… Nothing worked. He kept thinking about what he should say to Taejun, to Donghee, to Sunho… How he should handle finding a new job. What he’d say to his parents, his friends…

When the door opened around 6 AM, he turned to it, startled, and was grateful he’d worn the bathrobe.

Taejun walked in, looking angry, and like he hadn’t slept much either. He stopped nearby and stared at Wonyoung in confusion. “Why are you up so early?”

“I didn’t sleep,” Wonyoung said, too tired to pretend nothing was wrong.

Taejun frowned at him.

“If you give me a minute,” Wonyoung said, realizing he was just in a bathrobe and Taejun probably wanted to check out the room, “I can put on clothes, just uh… Stay there.” Wonyoung half-ran to the bathroom and cleaned up. He was a bit woozy from weariness, but he got himself together. His face in the mirror was exhausted, and splashing it with water didn’t fix much, but he did it anyway.

When he got back out to the main room with his slightly rumpled clothes from the previous day – given he hadn’t been able to stop at his apartment for the night, like he’d planned – he found Taejun sitting on the bed and staring into space.

Wonyoung wanted to go up to the older man and hold his face or brush his hair or tell him to lay down. But he knew that was a bad idea. So instead he stood back and asked, “Mr. Yoon?”

Taejun looked up at him, his expression still tired. “Yes?”

“I uh… I can leave if you wanted to check out,” Wonyoung said, not sure what else to say. When Taejun didn’t move, Wonyoung continued, hastily, “Or we can talk some more!”

Taejun breathed in heavily and said, “I contacted a friend at Taepyung to verify parts of your story.”

“Oh…” Wonyoung said, somehow not surprised. Rich people knew everyone, really.

“She didn’t know about any special projects involving me,” Taejun said. “But she knew about you and your old boss.”

Wonyoung grimaced, remembering his shitty old boss. “I wasn’t involved in his stuff! I was just his main gopher, so everyone assumed I was involved…” It was fine if Taejun was angry at Wonyoung for what he’d done, but if he thought worse of Wonyoung just because of his old boss…

Taejun laughed softly, “Yeah, I can’t imagine why anyone would assume something bad about you.”

Wonyoung bit his lip, knowing that was fair. “I’m sorry. I… I was an idiot about the stuff with you. I can’t apologize enough.”

“Yeah,” Taejun said. “You can’t.”

Wonyoung tightened his hands into fists. “Is there something you want me to do? Like… pay you back somehow for all the grief I caused or… or just never appear before you again or something?” The very idea made him want to disappear into the ground. He wanted Taejun in his life, and he wanted to be in Taejun’s life. He’d never felt this way with any of his girlfriends… and he didn’t know if he’d feel it again. Yes, it was Wonyoung’s fault things were like this, but it still hurt so much.

When Taejun was quiet, Wonyoung looked up at him, and saw his expression was considering.

“And I can still talk to Mr. Jung with you, still,” Wonyoung said. “To fill in the rest of what you don’t know, if nothing else.”

“How do I know that’d be honest?” Taejun asked.

“I…” Wonyoung suddenly wasn’t sure. “I don’t know. But if you were on the phone or… Or if we went together to meet him, maybe?” When Taejun looked skeptical, as if Wonyoung would somehow set the whole thing up in advance, just like people assumed Wonyoung was as corrupt as his old boss, Wonyoung said, “He lent me money to stay in Gangneung, and I have loans and an apartment here to pay for. He’s also the one with a job, and I’m not. There’s nothing I could offer him that would get him to lie to you for me.” There was little else to prove his own innocence.

When Wonyoung imagined Sunho’s face when he learned of all this, Wonyoung winced. “Actually, he’s probably really pissed off at me for telling you everything… So he’s less likely to lie on my behalf to you.”

“And you’d still visit someone like that?” Taejun asked.

“If you wanted to, yes,” Wonyoung said, firmly. “I don’t want any more lies.”

Taejun watched him for a bit, and then pushed himself up. “Okay. Let’s get breakfast, and then we’ll meet him if he’s free.”

Wonyoung felt a little hopeful with that. Breakfast together was a start…

“I’m mostly saying this because it’s still early and we’re both exhausted,” Taejun clarified. “And if I’m going to be driving, I need to wake up more.”

Wonyoung grimaced and nodded. Of course things weren’t better. This was all about practicality.

“You told him everything?” Sunho asked incredulously as they all sat around a fancy table at a restaurant Taejun had picked out for their meeting. Sunho wore a nice sweater and looked warm and awake, unlike Wonyoung and Taejun, who were still quite ragged, even after breakfast and coffee.

The table was in a secluded room with a door, up on the 7^th floor of a high-rise, so no one could spot them. Sunho had been surprised by Wonyoung’s phone call, given how much he’d been ignored, and initially excited when Taejun arrived with Wonyoung. But then his face fell as Wonyoung explained the situation.

“Yes,” Wonyoung said, holding his hands in his lap to make them stop shaking. “He knows everything.”

“I…” Sunho glanced between Wonyoung and Taejun. “Mr. Yoon, you have my full apologies. I did not mean to… um…”

“Spy on me?” Taejun asked as he sat back in his chair, gazing at Sunho without any sympathy. “Use me for your own gain?”

Sunho grimaced in discomfort. “Yes, it was very foolish. But it was all my… our idea. Not the company’s. Please don’t let this be a reflection on your feelings for Taepyung.”

“You’re quite loyal,” Taejun said, making Sunho smile awkwardly. “Or are you just hoping they won’t fire you when I tell them about my feelings on the whole matter and you claim that you tried to save face for them?”

Sunho blanched, then.

“It was my idea,” Wonyoung said, suddenly afraid for his coworker. “And Mr. Jung even lent me money for this.” When Sunho turned to him in surprise, Wonyoung said, “I returned the deposit money you gave me while we drove here. For the interest…” He wanted to say, “Please count it as a fee for what I’ve done,” but it was different saying that with Taejun sitting next to him.

“It’s fine,” Sunho said, waving him off. “Just count it as a fee for… for all this.” He looked at Taejun and bowed his head. “I know I cannot apologize for all that’s been done, Mr. Yoon. But I still must apologize as I can.”

Taejun breathed in deeply and then said, “Fine. Then we’re done here.” He stood up and moved towards the door. But there he paused and looked back at Wonyoung. “Are you coming, Wonyoung?”

Wonyoung blinked at him in surprise. He glanced at Sunho, who also looked confused. Then Wonyoung looked back at Taejun, who was still waiting, and quickly stood up. He quickly stood up and nearly ran to the door, which Taejun shortly went through.

As they were in the elevator alone, heading to the garage, Taejun stared at the door and asked, “So what are your plans now?”

Wonyoung’s heart was racing, but he was glad at least Taejun was talking to him, even if he wasn’t sure why. “I um… I don’t know.” Because that was the truth, wasn’t it? He gazed at the door. “I was planning to go back to Taepyung for so long…” He realized Taejun was staring at him, and quickly said, “But when I was suspended, before I went to Gangneung, it was just a break before I went looking for somewhere new to work, so I’ll just… do that, as planned.” There was no way Sunho would help him now.

“Will you move back to the city?” Taejun asked.

Wonyoung felt his chest tighten. He wants me to leave after all… “I… If you don’t want to see me again, then yes, I’ll move back here…” He still had his apartment, his parents, and his friends. He’d figure something out. And he might as well tell his parents about things at last… Just rip off the bandage all at once…

“But only if I didn’t want to see you again?” Taejun asked.

Wonyoung blinked in surprise. “Sorry?”

“What if I didn’t want to never see you again?” Taejun asked. “Would you still move back here?”

Wonyoung felt his heart race again. “You… You want to keep seeing me?” Perhaps the exhaustion was getting to him.

“I’m not sure,” Taejun said, his expression still cool. “I’m still very angry and hurt. And I don’t know that I can trust you.”

Wonyoung nodded. “I know. I’m sorry…”

Taejun sighed. “I’m trying to ask myself, are you sticking around for some other reason? For my money? My connections?”

Wonyoung blanched. “No! I… No!” That was the last thing he wanted! “I really do care about you as a person! I like you!” It sounded pathetic even to him and he winced in embarrassment.

“I almost think I believe you,” Taejun said. “But after everything, I just don’t know.”

Wonyoung gazed miserably at the ground. “I don’t know what to do to convince you…”

Taejun pressed his lips together, but didn’t say anything. He looked exhausted.

“You should sleep,” Wonyoung said, making the other man look up. “You look like you’ll fall down at any moment.”

Taejun snorted. “You too.”

“I…” Wonyoung grimaced.

“So you have an apartment here?” Taejun asked. “Where is it?”

Wonyoung stared at him in surprise.

“It’s a mess, since I haven’t been back in a bit,” Wonyoung said as he flipped on the lights, showing his rather tiny home. It felt a bit cold, too. “And there’s nothing to eat given I’ve been gone for so long.” Even though I didn’t plan it that way outside a vacation…

Taejun gazed around the place, and Wonyoung imagined he was criticizing it for how small it was compared to Taejun’s giant house.

“Are you thirsty?” Wonyoung asked as he put down his phone and coat, rather than, “If you don’t want to stay, you don’t have to.”

“I’m fine,” Taejun said as he stepped in carefully, eying the place skeptically.

“You can take the bed if you want,” Wonyoung said as he walked to the kitchen to make sure things were okay there. “It’s clean. I did the sheets before I left.” The kitchen looked fine and he got a glass of water himself for his nerves, though he realized he was flagging. It hadn’t fully hit him yet that he’d flushed his prospects down the toilet with that conversation with Sunho.

I can work somewhere else, he thought, dismally. There are other places.

He went to check on Taejun, who was sitting on the bed with his jacket half-off.

“I can take your coat,” Wonyoung said, stepping forward. “If you’d like…” Maybe he’s still planning to leave? 

“Hard to think the mastermind of everything lived in a place like this,” Taejun said.

Wonyoung winced at the cut. “I’m not a mastermind. I’m just… I recognized you. That’s all. It was Mr. Jung’s idea to watch over you more.” After how Taepyung had treated him, and knowing he’d be unlikely to see Sunho again, he didn’t feel bad being honest about this.

“But you still did it,” Taejun said with a frown. “Did you really feel guilty at the start?”

“Yes!” Wonyoung said. “I know you don’t believe me, but I did!” He grimaced. “Mr. Jung had to talk me into it. And I was so worried about money… But just about every time we were together, I felt guilty, especially when you started being nice…”

“So if I’d been crueler, then you wouldn’t have felt guilty?” Taejun asked with a smirk.

Wonyoung shrugged. “I don’t know. That’s not what happened. You were handsome and smart and wonderful…” And I ruined it…

Taejun stared at him for a while before asking, “You really liked me?”

“I really like you,” Wonyoung said, feeling his eyes burn. “I liked you then and I like you now.” He put his hands to his face in embarrassment. “It was hard confessing. Telling myself I was overthinking things. That I couldn’t think such things, because of what I was doing. That you’d never forgive me once you found out about the plan with Taepyung, anyway. And that someone like you wouldn’t like someone like me in the first place, and not just because we’re both men, but also because you’re you and I’m just me.”

“You put me on such a pedestal,” Taejun murmured. “It’s not like you’ve never dated. You’re attractive and smart enough to get into a place like Taepyung, and your ex is quite beautiful, too.”

“Yeah, well…” Wonyoung sighed and said, “I’m… You’re attractive and talented and rich and I’m just not. That’s how it is.”

Taejun gave him an unreadable look.

“I’m sorry I ruined our outing,” Wonyoung said. “I’m sorry for everything.” He thought back to their happy moments. “I’m sorry I ruined everything. I was so happy when you told me you were happy for my coming into your life. But I just… ruined it all.” The apartment felt a bit too close then, and it was a bit hard to breathe.

“Wonyoung…” Taejun began, sounding strangely sympathetic.

Wonyoung stepped back, grabbed his coat, and said, “You should stay here and sleep. I should… I’m going to go for a walk.”

“Wonyoung!” Taejun called behind him as the door shut behind Wonyoung’s back.

Wonyoung walked without any real direction. He knew this area by heart, so he wasn’t lost. It was a normal day, and people were out walking to get early lunches, to go to work, to school. There were dog walkers and runners. People selling food and shopkeepers. Birds cried overhead and cars honked.

Life went on around him and he felt like an island amidst it all. A stupid island who made a dumb decision and just hurt the man he loved.

Wonyoung stopped walking and ignored the people grumbling as they walked around him.

I love him, Wonyoung thought, almost numbly. And I hurt him before I even knew that. He wondered if the pain of it all would destroy him. He’d deserve it, if so.

He got back to his apartment some time later, after he’d realized he’d left his phone at home before he’d run out.

He found Taejun glaring at him from within the apartment. “Where were you? Are you okay?” Taejun walked up to him and yanked Wonyoung’s collar, looking him over.

Wonyoung’s face burned, and he was confused why Taejun was so close to him. “I’m fine! I just went for a walk!” He was surprised Taejun hadn’t left or at least fallen asleep. “What?” He stepped back, putting space between them. Touch only made his heart race.

“You left your phone here,” Taejun said, pointing at the kitchen counter, where the phone was sitting. “I couldn’t contact you. And when you left, you looked… Like you might be making some really bad choice.”

Wonyoung frowned at him. “Some bad…? I just went walking…” After a few moments, he realized what Taejun meant and his face paled. “I really just went walking…”

“But I didn’t know that,” Taejun said. He ran a hand through his hair. “I didn’t know whether to run after you or wait in case you got back or if I should just leave after everything, and I hated myself for all of it.” He stepped forward and wrapped his arms tightly around Wonyoung. “The thought of losing you was just…”

Wonyoung froze, unsure what to do. Taejun was hugging him. And he felt so warm.

But… “I hurt you,” Wonyoung said, numbly. “I…”

“Yes, you did,” Taejun said, calmly. “And I’m angry still. But seeing you in pain hurts, too.”

Wonyoung slowly reached out to put his arms around Taejun. He thought he’d never have this again. And he still might not, if Taejun decided it.

“You’re shaking,” Taejun said, quietly. He sounded sad.

“I’m sorry,” Wonyoung said.

Taejun sighed and squeezed tighter. “We’ll figure it out, Wonyoung.”

Wonyoung’s eyes were wet from more tears. He didn’t know what that that meant. He didn’t know what the future would be like. He just wanted to stay like this forever, if they could.

After a time, Taejun said, “We should both get some sleep. I imagine we’ll be saner after that.”

“Okay,” Wonyoung said, though he wasn’t really able to move.

Taejun pulled back enough to guide Wonyoung back to the bed, and pulled him down onto it. They lay like that, chest to chest, with Taejun gazing at Wonyoung with an unreadable expression. He was so tall that he filled Wonyoung’s tiny bed.

Wonyoung wiped his eyes hastily. He probably looked like a mess.

Taejun reached out to hold Wonyoung’s right hand, and gently rubbed the knuckles there, without saying a word.

“I love you,” Wonyoung said, knowing he might not have another chance to say as much.

Taejun looked at him in surprise.

“I’m not some mastermind,” Wonyoung continued, “In large part because I love you too much. And… And I wish I hadn’t already done so much to ruin it all.”

Taejun reached out and pulled Wonyoung close. “Stop. Just… just sleep, Wonyoung. Beating yourself up isn’t getting either of us anywhere.”

Wonyoung breathed deeply, trying to relax and not ruin Taejun’s clothes.

“I love you, too.”

Wonyoung’s eyes widened in shock.

“Even after everything,” Taejun said. “I still do.”

Wonyoung breathed in shakily. He really loves me? Still? "But your ex... He did less than this, and-"

"That's different," Taejun said in frustration. "It's..." He sighed. "For all the lies, Wonyoung... you are a bad actor."

Wonyoung frowned.

"I could tell you had feelings for me," Taejun said, "even though maybe some of what you were badly trying to hide was probably this scheme of yours..." Taejun gazed ahead. "But I still knew you were hiding something. And now... I can still see the discomfort. But I don't think after everything that you have anything to gain by pretending to be in love with me. It's not like you're a potter, yourself."

Wonyoung almost smiled at that. Taejun definitely knew how little skill Wonyoung had.

"So forcing yourself to be around me for some monetary or work gain can't be what's making you uncomfortable," Taejun continued, "Which leaves the option that... you're really in love with me, and truly sad about it all."

"I am," Wonyoung muttered. "In love with you and upset about this whole thing." He held Taejun's shirt tightly.

"I think I believe you," Taejun said.

It hurt to hear that caveat, but Wonyoung understood it.

"And at least you told me, in the end," Taejun said. "If I'd found out on my own, well... Things might have been different."

Wonyoung winced, glad he'd taken Yeonhee's advice at last.

"And I remembered, too," Taejun said, "that you were the one who confessed your feelings first. And you did think I was straight." He laughed quietly.

Wonyoung's face burned. "Yeah, I know I'm hopeless..."

"I thought it was very brave," Taejun said. "Which made it hard when I wondered if... if it wasn't real, in the end."

"You made me brave," Wonyoung said, leaning his head on Taejun's chest. "I couldn't bear to be quiet anymore."

Taejun rubbed Wonyoung's back. “We’ll talk more later. Rest, Wonyoung. Just rest. I’m not leaving.”

Wonyoung shut his eyes, imagining he wasn’t going to get better than he had. And Taejun was holding him. Maybe, for now, they could be islands in the storm together.