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Hajime’s mind had been drifting lately– with a situation as abnormal as his, reality was not something he had wanted to be confronted with. It was easier to get lost in the expanse of his own mind rather than facing the cruel despair in front of him.
Jabberwock Island was objectively beautiful– everything from the glistening waves to the projection of the night sky. A void of blacks with splotches of indigos and violets– complete with glittered stars. Despite the vivid imagery, none of these aspects had given Hinata any comfort– but instead only adding to his bubbling apprehension. No matter how much Hinata tried to be soothed by the crashing waves, he still remained restless. Tossing and turning in his bed too warm– stuck in a battle between sweat and damp skin. Bangs clinging to his forehead– sheets and throws left in a state of disarray.
A chain of events which had ended with him now absentmindedly wandering the dimly lit Jabberwork Park– a mess of brown hair in the shadows, a walking corpse– a ghost. He had no doubt in his mind that his current state was nowhere near presentable– but that also happened to be the very last thing he wanted to bring concern too.
The quiet aftermath of the first trial was quiet, a silence which did not speak. Yet lingered– in the form of melancholy, slowly weighing down on his shoulders. The oddly-lit trial room had sucked every ounce of life out of him– the events had become a blur in his mind.
It was sickening.
His world was sickening.
It was all artificial. Colors too bright– sand which felt too grainy beneath his feet. A plastic smell which lingered in the seemingly tropical air– giving him an unexplainable sense of nausea with every inhale. Hajime saw through the facade of beauty– fading away to reveal the bones which lay underneath. Everything seemed to fade and blur at the edges– each step being forgotten after the last.
For the main source of Hinata’s distress– his woe, did not manifest in despair. For as much as Hinata wanted to pretend for the sake of his peers that it had. The only thing Hajime could let his mind drift too was the boy who stared down at him on his very first waking moments– a gap in the sun. That smile that seemed sweet but now distant– burned permanently in his brain. Reality seemed to warp around him.
Despite being nearly as ordinary as Hinata himself, he managed to stand out near uncannily– even among such an odd crowd. The boy with eyes all too knowing— a smile which carried more than it let on. His soothing gaze— which now held another edge to it.
His pale-white hair– which stuck out sporadically in all directions. Hinata wondered about the texture on more than one occasion. Would it be dry? Perhaps brittle– he hadn’t seemed like one for intense hair-care, or perhaps it would be soft– like a cloud twirling around his finger.
His eyes– they held something heavy he couldn’t pinpoint before. A full world contained in just those two, muted orbs–
how quickly they could flash to manic in an instant.
His smile– polite, but not overbearing. That knowing look in his expression– somehow being aware of exactly what would make Hinata a flustered mess. His teasing smirk which appeared warm at a glance– now felt hollow, a cold imitation.
He was also deathly pale– in the brief moments Hinata caught him in a swimsuit, refusing to let his eyes wander too far where they shouldn’t– he noticed the tone of his skin nearly matched his hair. He appeared near gray ,and almost sickly– sticking out like a sore thumb on the bright beach horizon.
But most of all– the way he talked. The light rasp in his voice– a small laugh that never felt completely genuine. The subtle jabs he said directed towards himself– at the time were able to be dismissed with an awkward chuckle, now took on a whole new meaning. His voice replayed in Hinata’s head— addicted to his airy laughs and tone which was never serious enough for the situation at hand. He felt compelled to reach out and touch him at the time– wondering if such an enigma of a being could really exist, or if he was just Hinata’s imagination personified as a way to keep him sane.
It didn’t take long for Hinata to fall for him— at that.
The other boy etched his way permanently into Hinata’s mind— carving a permanent spot in his subconscious. Never quite being able to pinpoint— yet always
fleeting.
He wanted nothing more than to see his smile again— to see him without knowing who he really was. To look up to the stars— and see a version of him which wasn’t tainted, fragmented.
He wished for ignorance.
Hinata made an abrupt stop— to what he assumed was Jabberwock Park. He was beginning to really ponder his location upon taking quick glances in all directions. Where really was he?— Whispering trees towered above him, different from the artificial palm trees he saw prior— something much denser, somewhere he couldn’t help but think he wasn’t supposed to be.
Shadow’s looming over him— branches which took on shapes much more sinister. In his haze of emotions, he shook his head left and right— trying to rid himself of his sudden pang of anxiety with no avail.
He quickened his pace— cold air embracing him, wrapping around his bare arms and making him shiver. He followed whatever semblance of a path remained— taking sharp turns with no destination. The tangy aroma of saltwater flooded his senses immediately. He absentmindedly approached the sound of rippling water— gleaming. An endless abyss which seemed to stretch on forever. Erie— yet the sight had given him an unexplainable comfort. Crashing waves echoing in his mindspace— mesmerized by the sight, he approached closer. To an opening, a patch of grass by the coast surrounded by bushes.
Despite the melancholy still present in the air— and the despair weighing down on his shoulders, Hajime found it within him to relax. Staring down to the open sea— the void helping him rewind, the lump in his chest feeling lighter. Matching the ocean’s breathing with his.
However, his rest hadn’t lasted long— for he could feel eyes boring into his skull.
Hajime instinctively turned his head with the reaction speed of a cat— all senses on high alert, skin prickling. His breathing felt too loud—his heart flaring in his ears. For the figure in front of him— concealed by shadows, yet still recognizable— blended perfectly into the surroundings. Looming trees giving him cover— the moon painting him in a light blue, his sporadic hair bright at the edges.
Hajime’s eyes remained on the shadow— his figure relaxed, not an ounce of worry reflected in his demeanor. Hinata waited patiently for him to walk into the light.
As he approached Hinata— the first thing he noticed were his sly eyes, locked into his. They had brought Hajime comfort before— but now sparked something unfamiliar within him. The same crooked smile was plastered on his face— polite, noncommittal, yet the moon showed it in a much different light.
Hinata’s breath hitched— Komaeda stood in front of him, close enough for him to touch. Wispy white hair— even messier than before. He didn’t dare to breathe, as if he could shatter this moment with a simple exhale— Komaeda’s eyes still on him, burning into his own. He looked like a painting– as if looking away would make him disappear.
Komaeda was the first to move, innocently tilting his head— looking somewhere past Hinata, as if lost in his own world. “It seems you’ve discovered my spot, Hinata-kun. Of course, it’s presumptuous to say it was mine in the first place!”
His voice. His voice— whatever he actually said hadn’t even registered to Hajime at all, he was still hung up on just the way his mouth moved, curling around every syllable. He finally found it in him to speak— but his voice came out cracked. K-Komaeda.’ He croaked— Komaeda drew his gaze back to him, his prior solemn features lit up immediately.
Komaeda’s eyes scanned his face— Hajime felt heat creep up his neck. “What are you doing out here?” He got out— trying his best not to sound as abundantly nervous as he felt. Komaeda paused. His quiet smirk falling.
“Sorry, did I disturb your peaceful walk, Hinata-kun? That really wasn’t my intention.” He said— Hajime narrowed his eyes.
“Don’t dodge the question.” He said— much more assertive than he had intended, as Komaeda’s eyes widened. His shock was short lived— as he quickly regained his passive smile.
“My apologies. I always come out here, Hinata-kun.” He said— facing the rippling water, away from Hinata. Hajime watched him carefully— the way the gentle breeze ran through his hair, and his melancholic gaze locked on the horizon. Komaeda’s gaze flickered towards him. Then— his smirk stretched to a grin, yet it looked wrong. Plastered on- not matching the rest of his face. “Of course, I don’t mind leaving. You likely don’t want to see my disgusting face, so I don’t mind excusing myself-“
“No!” Hajime interjected— Komaeda turned fully towards him, confusion written all over his features. Hajime said the word on impulse— he felt an unexplainable dread at the thought of Komaeda leaving, slipping out of his grasp once again. He wanted to cherish any moment he had with him— even if it was just watching him stare blankly into the ocean. Komaeda stood— awaiting an explanation, anything Hinata could give him.
“I have to keep an eye on you. To make sure you don’t do anything.” He said— yet the words felt wrong. He couldn’t let him know the truth—Komaeda’s sharp gaze lingered on him, his resolve weakened by the moment. Komaeda’s analytical prowess was near unmatched— Hajime knew he would never be truly convinced, but he prayed that he would brush it off.
Of course he wouldn’t.
“Okay, Hinata-kun.” The words were robotic— and his calculated eyes didn’t lay off of him, but only softened ever so slightly. Hinata resisted letting out a sigh of relief. “I understand if you need to keep tabs on me! Yet I apologize that you must tolerate my presence for longer.” He turned back towards the ocean, voice far too cheery. but Hinata knew his tone, he knew how he talked— he wasn’t convinced. The way he said it— it was mocking Hinata through every sound, every rasp and every half-chuckle. Patronizing— in a way that was impossible to catch.
He sucked in a breath. “You said you come out here often.” Hinata asked— attempting to steer conversation somewhere safer, while still also in a desperate attempt to hear his voice again. Komaeda’s eyes looked in his direction— analytical, cunning. Like he knew something about Hinata buried deep in his own subconscious he himself hadn’t even known about. Hinata felt his palms dampen.
“I have trouble sleeping, Hinata-kun.” Hinata hated the way he said it— like it was the most obvious thing in the world. Dry, in the worst way possible– like a parent patronizing a child who’d done wrong. “But I don’t see how that should concern you! My health is irrelevant.” Hajime tensed at the words— yet Komaeda still wore his regular, wry smile.
“I.. see.” Hinata replied— tugging at his short collar. “Like.. nightmares?” Hinata immediately cursed himself for opening his mouth at all— Komaeda sent a curious glance his way.
“Ah. Not always, it’s just painful for me, sometimes. Especially since I don’t have medication here, and I’d rather not accept any offered by that rabbit.” He replied with a strained smile. “How about you, Hinata-kun? Do you get nightmares? Is that why you’re out here?” Komaeda’s probing gaze returned, too inquisitive for his own good— Hinata’s breathing quickened.
“Well, I guess. “ Hinata looked away— Komaeda didn’t.
“I suppose that’s to be expected. This is quite a taxing situation.” He said, staring solemnly at the grass. “So much hope wasted.” The sadness on Komaeda’s face was not that of grief— but instead disappointment. Which only stirred more fear in the other boy.
That’s one way to put it– Hinata thought. Another prying question lingered in his mind.
“You’re not afraid of dying?” Hinata asked– not cynical, but curious. The question came up unprompted– but Komaeda didn’t seem to mind. Facing the other boy, whose expression shifted only slightly.
“Of course not.” Komaeda replied– the lack of a pause and his dreamy expression made Hinata shiver. Komaeda locked eyes with him– an unwavering smirk seeping onto his face. “If I were to die, it would be in the name of hope. It’s simple.” Simple. He said the last word with such certainty – as if it was second nature.
He let out a chuckle– which was not reciprocated.
“What does it mean to die for hope?” Hinata asked– voice laced with desperation. Komaeda tilted his head– but didn’t leave his gaze. He only stepped forward– Hinata’s legs refused to move.
“I could think of one example.” Komaeda’s eyes bored into his– glinting with something unfamiliar. “Dying by your hands would be dying for hope, Hinata-kun.”
Hinata paused– the only thing anchoring him to reality being the silver irises, too compelling to be anything earthly. He searched his eyes with his own– then his words hit him all at once. “What the hell?” He nearly stumbled back– but caught himself. Komaeda stayed unmoving– his odd eyes didn’t waver.
“You asked what it meant to die for hope.” Komaeda’s eyes seemed to fog– wrapping himself in his arms. “I couldn’t think of anything better than dying for you.”
Komaeda shuddered– his gaze trailed back to Hinata, who was near trembling. Komaeda’s breathing was ragged– eyes glossed over with something akin to anticipation. Hinata stared down at him– their breaths mixed together. Anyone else would have left– Komaeda’s manic, blissed state would be enough to send anyone running out of disgust–
Hinata couldn’t look away even if he tried.
Komaeda was a flustered mess beside him– near panting. Hinata’s composure was at threat of shattering. He only continued to stare– his eyes, despair and hope swirling in crude ways. “I could only imagine…” He said, breathless.
A pale hand came up to grasp his face. “How would Hinata-kun kill me? I wonder…” He let out a shaky exhale– turning into an airy, manic laugh. “Would he be kind and gentle? Show someone as disgusting as me mercy? Or would he enjoy it?” Hinata remained frozen, hyperfocused on every breath and every whimper that came out of his mouth. Komaeda’s eyes were lost– somewhere in their own world.
“Would he watch the blood drain out of my worthless body?” Another shaky exhale. “Laugh while doing so? Would you carve a hole into my chest– stick your hand inside me, take what’s left of the contents and listen to my pitiful screams? Watch as the life leaves my eyes and listen as my voice dries out? I didn’t take Hinata-kun for a sadist!” Hinata didn’t dare to move– only continuing to shudder.
In an instant– his eyes snapped back to reality, locking into Hinata’s once more. Hinata felt cold, slender fingers grasp around his wrist– pulling them up to Komaeda’s neck. Still staring Hinata down with a smile– Komaeda placed his hands over his, so his fingers were wrapping around him.
Hinata was terrified at how simple it would be.
Komaeda let out something adjacent to a cracked moan– which only made Hinata’s gut twist more. “It would be so easy for Hinata-kun. So easy to get away with…” Komaeda’s grip on his hands tightened– Hinata didn’t dare to move his.
Komaeda remained staring at him– every instinct in Hinata’s body screamed at him to run and not look back, but he dreaded the idea of losing him again.
He didn’t care what shape or form– all he wanted was him. He’d told himself over and over that the person he’d fallen for was gone. Eradicated. The moment Komaeda revealed his true self– Hinata should have lost all of his feelings, but they were still there. No matter how much he tried to convince himself– for the sake of his peers, for the sake of not feeling disgusting, no matter what he tried to tell himself and how much he hated it– he’d always love him.
Hinata let out a cracked sound from his throat– trying to shake his head.
Komaeda suddenly dropped his hands from his neck, pulling Hinata’s down with them. Hinata tensed– dread filling his senses. His hazed stare turned cold– now using his height to his advantage, towering over Hinata, despite only being a few mere centimetres taller. His icy gaze remained on Hinata– bursts of adrenaline coursing through him. Hinata’s breath got caught in his throat– mind going blank.
“Are you scared of me, Hinata-kun?” The question hit like a bullet– his tone was something he’d never heard before, almost condescending. It left Hinata in a daze– a mix of fear and anticipation pooling in his gut, a croaked sound coming out of his throat.
“What?” He gasped. The question repeated in his head– echoing through his mind. He didn’t want to confront the truth– he couldn’t. Not here.
Komaeda stepped forward– Hajime instinctively stumbled back. Komaeda narrowed his eyes. “I asked if you’re afraid of me.”
Another step.
Hinata felt his breathing quicken. “I don’t…”
Another step.
Komaeda cut him off– his tone sharp, something he’d never heard from him before. “Am I really the subject of your fear? Is that the limit of your hope?” His heartbeat began to rise.
Another step.
He tried to avert his eyes– but Komaeda was still all he saw. “I.. I don’t- maybe. But I-“
Komaeda’s voice deepened. “Answer me.”
He was out of steps— harsh bark jabbed into his back. He pressed himself against it— without any more means of distance, Komaeda’s face stood inches from his own. He felt his knees weaken— his heart in his ears. Komaeda leaned forward– enough for his bangs to tickle Hinata’s forehead.
Hinata felt like a patient awaiting a brutal fate– eyes analysing him, sharp and unforgiving. Komaeda stared him up and down– a leg then planted between his– making his position even more compromising. Hinata’s breath hitched– Komaeda seemed to drink up every one of his reactions. He let out a soft hum, as if observing how he affected him.
Komaeda knew if Hinata wanted– he could easily overpower him. Yet he chose not too– perhaps paralyzed out of fear or disgust, but that couldn’t be farther from the truth. Despite the daze he was in– Hinata knew, more than anything– he let this happen.
Hinata resisted the urge to whine– to let him know how much he wanted him, to let him know how desperately he’d wanted to be close to him. Shamelessly imagining this ever since he laid eyes upon him. Hinata didn’t care about muffling his noises anymore– they were only accentuated by Komaeda’s cold gaze on him, his long eyelashes fluttering– narrowing on Hinata as if he was staring directly into him.
Komaeda’s brows furrowed– his expression only grew continuously frustrated. “I don’t…” He began. “Understand…” the more he grew aggravated– the more Hinata sank in deeper. The way his leg pressed harder– causing him to whine and make his knees threaten to buckle. All the while– Komaeda only watched, the same painfully neutral expression on his face.
Hinata’s patience was wearing thin– he finally found it in him to bring his gaze back to Komaeda, he was frankly the picture of desire. Lust? Anticipation?– Hinata didn’t care to put a label on it, all he wanted was to feel him closer– just for his touch to last a moment longer. The heat pooling in Hinata’s gut caused him to nearly groan his name. “Komaeda…”
Komaeda finally seemed to catch onto Hinata’s desperation– practically writhing beneath him. A hint of worry was still present in his expression– unsure of such a major loss of a boundary. He leaned closer– eyes lidded, still staring at Hinata– and brushed their lips together.
It could hardly even be called a kiss– a simple peck at the edge of his mouth. Testing the waters– simply seeing how far Hinata would go. Their position remained stagnant– their breaths meddled together, not caring about consequence. Trapped in each other's heat– the sensation of Komaeda’s cold skin still fresh on his lips.
Hinata leaned in again– with more fervour, his hands finding Komaeda’s waist.
It wasn’t practiced– not out of care, or even love– but something deeper. Mouth on skin– teeth clattering, little to no breaks in between. Saliva coating both their lips– high on each other, eyes fluttering shut. A dirty secret only for the stars. Komaeda’s cold hand found his neck.
It felt wrong– it felt so wrong. It felt filthy to have him so close– to be indulging himself like this. Discomfort bloomed in his chest with every passing moment, yet at the same time– he couldn’t help the heat pooling in his gut with the intimate contact, or how dizzy he felt off of him.
Hinata gasped at the slender hand making its way under his shirt– the cold contact on his warm stomach made him shudder, bucking into the touch. He made a greedy sound and grabbed Komaeda’s jaw– causing the other boy to let out a muffled noise Hinata would kill to hear more of. He continued their passionate kissing– Komaeda’s hand sliding farther up his stomach, grazing over sensitive skin– causing his heart to flutter.
Even as he tasted more of him– got everything he wanted, Hinata couldn’t help the bile rising up in his throat
fleeting
pressing their chests together– gripping him impossibly tighter, as if he’d slip out of his grasp the second he let go
fleeting
Hinata closed his eyes.
Fuck fleeting.
Hinata let the hand on his jaw travel to his hair– finally getting what he’d craved for so long. Grabbing from the base of his scalp and pulling– Komaeda melted into his touch, near moaning into their next kiss. Hianta could tell Komaeda was running out of energy– but he himself had no intention of stopping, Hinata grabbed Komaeda’s arm– removing it from under his shirt.
He suddenly flipped their positions– so Komaeda was the one under him. Komaeda let out a grunt at the harsh shove– but it was cut off by the force of Hinata’s mouth. Biting– gnawing, taking full advantage of the pliant boy beneath him, shoving his leg between his as he’d done prior. Komaeda swung his arms around his neck– Hinata’s hands wandering his body– sliding up his side, his abdomen– his neck. He wanted all of it.
Hinata broke away from him– stopping to admire the mess he made. Komaeda was staring at him with half-lidded eyes– mouth parted and his cracked lips red and swollen. Hinata dragged his gaze to his neck– frowning seeing it obscured by the heavy green jacket he always wore. Slowly, he unhooked Komaeda’s arms– looking for permission to take it off. After being given a shaky nod– Hinata slid it down his thin arms with trembling hands, a strangely intimate act he couldn’t help but savour.
He admired the delicate skin– his collarbones struck out almost uncannily, shirt deathly loose. He remembers catching glimpses of it– back on his very first day, but to see him exposed so close to him sent heat directly to his chest.
Hinata went in for another kiss– holding his forearms. Feverishly colliding their mouths over and over– then tracing small kisses down his jaw. Komaeda let out a deep sigh– tilting his head up. Hinata dragged his mouth across the skin there– leaving deep kisses and bites. Komaeda being extremely responsive to each of his movements– which only encouraged Hinata more. “Hah– Hinata-kun.” Komaeda groaned, Hinata didn’t dare stop. “I still don’t understand-” He said– practically exhaling the words.
Despite his blissed-out state, Hinata still made an effort to listen. “Why you would do this with me…” He said breathlessly. Hinata bit a particularly sensitive spot– causing the other boy to audibly moan.
Hinata lifted himself from his neck– facing him directly. Komaeda’s lips were parted– eyes narrow and his expression was clearly skeptical– but not rooted in malice. “I need you.” Hinata said– exasperated. “So much.” Before Komaeda could process the words– Hinata leaned in again.
This time was softer– now full of care, Hinata stroked his jaw. Komaeda opened his mouth pliantly– allowing Hinata more access. Hinata moved in deeper– pressing his head into the bark. Sweeter than anything he’s ever tasted– sweeter than anything this artificial island could ever give him. Holding him with such care,
fleeting.
Hinata almost thought he could have this forever.