Work Text:
Like some of the best things that have ever happened in Ilya’s life, coming out to his team started with beating Shane Hollander at hockey. Once the husbands had decided they were finally ready to come out to the team after they had secured their spot in the playoffs, they had a very thorough debate over exactly how they would do it.
Shane wanted to keep things light and professional. A team meeting held with all the players and the coaches - give everyone enough time to ask whatever questions they had and let them really process it. Ilya wanted to prank the team a little bit and do something crazy - like “accidentally” making out in the locker room as the rest of the team walked in for maximum drama.
After hours of discussion (in between coercive blow jobs, trying to get the other to agree to their version of the plan), the two men chose to let hockey be what decided it. They had 3 or so games left until they would qualify for the playoffs - whoever scored more goals in that time would win and come out to the team their own way. Ilya won, scoring 5 goals to Shane's 3, and he was more than a little smug about it.
After a little bit of thought and a little bit of going down Instagram rabbit holes, Ilya had refined his plan and perfected it. He just needed an accomplice. Which is why he was standing by Harris office door at 9 am with Starbucks in hand. Harris’s eyes narrowed on the star center.
“Ilya, you have never once brought me coffee and sweet treats this early in the morning… Did you “accidentally” leak a sex tape or something, and now you need my help cleaning up the social media shit storm? God, how bad is it?”
“You know Harris, it is very rude that you have this kind of impression of me. Can a man not just bring one of his favorite co-workers a sweet treat in the morning?”
“The last guy that did that ended up becoming my boyfriend. I have a feeling you have less noble intentions.” Ilya smiled, if only Harris knew.
“I just need your help. I want to pull a… small prank on the team this week, and I need to do it under the guise of a social media video. We will not be able to actually put it online of course, but I need you to pretend like we are. Let me show you.” Harris looked at him with an intense amount of wariness, but let Ilya walk him into his office and show him the video.
The video was a group of 4 guys with full cheeks of water. The first man set down a toilet paper holder while the rest of the group tried not to laugh. The second man pulled out an urn and the other three burst out laughing, water flying everywhere. Harris had to admit, it was a funny video - he’d almost wished that he’d come up with the idea for their social media himself so they could actually use it. While Harris was still fairly wary of how Ilya was going to turn this into a group prank, he had to admit it seemed pretty fun and harmless.
“I will help you do this on one condition: you tell me what it is that you’re bringing to prank everybody with.”
“No, Harris, you are part of the team, you are part of people being surprised. I want to catch everyone's reactions on camera, including yours. You get to know then too,” Was all Ilya had to say. And fuck, that kind of made Harris’ heart melt just a little bit, so he folded.
“Fine, but promise me that whatever you are bringing isn’t too traumatizing. I don’t need footage of Luca Haas looking at a russian sex doll or something.” Ilya only smiled, but unlike what Harris was expecting, it wasn’t one of his bringer-of-chaos smiles. Rather, Ilya looked genuinely happy - more than Harris had probably ever seen.
“Oh, I promise, Harris, you will like this, I think,” and Ilya swept out of his office.
Harris typed out the email.
To: Centaurs Team
From: [email protected]
Re: Upcoming Social Media Video - Bring a Random Item to Work Challenge
Hello Centaurs Team,
After the end of the next practice, we will be filming content for the official Instagram page. It will be a lighthearted video in which you will all attempt to surprise each other or make each other laugh, to the point that you spit out water. Please bring one random item that you think will get a reaction from your teammates. (for the love of all that is hockey, please keep it PG13)
Thank you, see you next practice!
~~~
Just because Shane knew they were ready didn’t mean that he wasn’t nervous about revealing their relationship to the team today. He had to admit, he very much preferred this fake social media prank that Ilya had devised over some of his other plans - like “accidentally” sending a selfie of them together in bed to the team group chat or pretending to get into a fight so bad that Ilya threatens to divorce him in front of the team.
Maybe there was no version of coming out to the team where Shane didn’t feel at least a little nervous. Still, he was ready to just go for it. It helped that, technically, Ilya was the one telling the team in his own way. Shane just had to sit back and watch the chaos unfold.
Once practice was done, Harris told them all to grab their items and head back out to the rink where he had pulled out a small carpet and set up a table and tripod. After reviewing a lot of videos, Harris anticipated water getting absolutely everywhere and figured the Zamboni drivers would mind a lot less than any of the cleaning staff.
“Alright, guys, here's how this is going to go. You are going to skate up to the table, show the camera your item, and then turn it around to show it to the rest of the team. Once everyone is done reacting, you’ll grab it and then the next person is up. Who wants to go first?” Everyone but Ilya looked enthusiastic about getting the first chance - Harris had agreed for him to go last. Maybe Harris would still be able to use some of this footage, but the evil grins on some of the team did not look promising.
“Everybody drink up. Boyle, you’re up first,” Harris said, and started getting things rolling.
Boyle did not start out strong. From his bag he pulled out a golden frog figurine in a yoga pose. When he showed it to the group, a few chuckled under their water-filled mouths, but not a single drop of water was spilled.
Tanner Dillion was up next - He plopped down a toilet plunger with little fanfare. It wasn’t until he started plunging it up and down aggressively that Bood and the rookies laughed hard enough to spray a little bit of water.
Wyatt skated up next and threw on his wife's Drs coat over his hockey gear, which, to be fair, did look ridiculous. Choinard let out a little bit of water, until Wyatt pulled the stethoscope out of his pocket and that got most of the guys laughing and groaning through their noses.
Holmberg went up next, with a small tube that no one could really read. It wasn’t until Harris read out “Hemorrhoid cream” from the label that the men started doubling over.
Dykstra went next, setting a strange-looking, almost phallic-like purple fishing lure on the table. There were a few chuckles, but no water flying until Dykstra shook it just a little bit at he was taking it up off the table. These men may be famous millionaires, but they were complete children at heart.
Shane was up next, and surprisingly, he was the first to really get all the guys laughing and spraying water everywhere at once. First showing it to the camera and then turning it around for the guys, he pulled out a “Scott Hunter Fan Club” t-shirt sporting the man’s face surrounded by pride flags, the shirt clearly a few sizes too large for Shane. Every man had spewed their water and laughing from their stomachs?”
“Where the hell did you get that, Hollzy?” Bood laughed, doubled over.
“More importantly, why do you have it?” Dykstra followed up, trying to catch his breath.
“I gave it to Ilya last Christmas, but I stole it back after he threatened to burn it” Shane said. And that had the team roaring with laughter, this time with no water to dampen the sound. It took the group a long minute to pull themselves back together, every man loading back up with water for the next turn.
Boodram got a few people laughing when he threw on his newest BBQing apron, which read “This guy rubs his own meat”. Ilya was laughing the hardest at that, but most of the guys had given up on attempting to really keep their laughter in - riding the high that was this goofy ass team.
Choinard got a small chuckle when he pulled nunchucks out of his bag. The laugher grew just a little bit when he proceeded to attempt to use them extremely poorly.
Luca Haas stunned them all when he pulled out his childhood bedroom poster of Ilya, looking to be from around 2012. A few did a small spit take at that, until Young skated up quickly with his copy of MLH 19, the video game with Ilya himself on the cover. No one had even a second to catch their breath as LaPointe skated up with his copy of MLH 18 with Shane on the cover.
Every single man was dying with laughter again, not a single mouth still containing a drop of water. Water had first come blasting out of Shane's nose, and it had promptly made everybody else on the team just completely lose it, laughing so hard that a few almost had tears coming out of their eyes. Bood was so doubled over in laughter that he had dropped to his knees on the ice. Wyatt looked like he was going to piss himself; he was dying so hard.
Ilya just looked out at this beautiful, shining team with so much fondness and joy. Leaving Boston had been one of the hardest things he’d ever had to do, but it had been worth it a million times over for Shane. And now, it was worth it even just for these men.
Before the men filled up on water again, Bood quipped, “How the hell are you going to top that Rozanov?”
“Oh trust me, I am very good top. I think I will have you all surprised”, Troy burst out laughing at that, spurting water all over Luca Haas right next to him. Troy was probably the only man on the team, other than Shane, who could even suspect the hilarity at the truth behind that joke. As all the men filled up on water, not really noticing that neither Ilya nor Shane drank again, they got back in place to finish the video. Harris held his breath, knowing that something was coming but not really sure what.
Ilya skated up to the camera and showed it a thick piece of paper with large, loopy script at the top in shiny gold. When he turned around with it, it was hard for the rest of the team to really make out, so he handed it to Harris. “Read it out loud for them please,” Ilya just smiled.
“Certificate of Marriage. This certifies that -” Harris stopped and just looked up at Ilya, completely stunned. His eyes were shining just a bit.
“Oh my god, Ilya, is this a joke?” Harris asked. The rest of the team looked on in confusion.
“No, Harris, this is the truth. Please continue.” Harris started again, his voice an octave higher.
“Certificate of Marriage. This certifies that Ilya Grigoryevich Rozanov and Shane Hollander were united in marriage in accordance with Ontario law on this day….” No one really made a sound as Harris took a pause.
“On this day June 23rd, 2022” Harris finished. The rink was completely silent, almost like everyone was too afraid to move or even breathe. Then Shane just skated up to Ilya and planted a kiss on his cheek.
Suddenly, all 12 men all did a spit take at once, a few laughing but most in just complete shock.
“What?”
“Are you kidding me?”
“This is a joke right?”
“Good one captain”
"Cap, are you gay?"
“Holy Shit, how did you rope Hollzy into this?”
“How the fuck did you bag Hollander, Roz?”
Most of the men had spoken all at once, but the last one had been Troy.
“Barrett, you don’t actually believe they are married, do you?” Dykstra laughed.
“I mean, it’s surprising that they are married, but it makes sense since Ilya is…” Troy quickly shut his mouth, not wanting to out Ilya even under these circumstances. Ilya saved him and spoke up.
“He is right, it is true. First, you all should know that I am bisexual. I would’ve told you all sooner, but given that it doesn’t take a huge leap to figure out the truth once you see Shane and I together and know that we both like dick… well we needed to keep things a little more quiet”
Shane spoke up then.
“I am sorry we didn't tell you. It’s mostly my fault that we couldn’t. When Montreal found out, we were together at the end of last season, things ended… poorly. For a long while, I didn’t want to risk telling anyone until we knew we were safe,” Shane said.
“And you’re telling us now?” Bood spoke up, his eyes burning but clearly holding back tears.
“Yes, well, I know now that we are - with you guys,” Shane responded. Fuck, Ilya was so in love with this man, he just wanted to devour him. Knowing everyone was looking, that everyone could see, Ilya ducked his head down and swept Shane into a deeply romantic kiss, one that held echoes of the cottage and summer and safety. Of home. If any of the Centaurs had been questioning the truth of their relationship, they couldn’t deny it now.
The Centaurs skated towards them and buried the pair in a huddle on the ice as if they had just won the fucking cup. There would be time enough for questions, but right now the Centaurs wanted to show their two biggest idiots that they were happy for them. That they were loved.