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She had heard his excuses, thousands of times before, and each time she grew even more sick of them.
"You can't just do this... over and over again and expect me to thank you, James!"
"Lily, I didn't mean to-"
"Yes you did!" she huffed. "When will you get it? I never asked for you to "come to my rescue" , you're not the "brave king of Hogwarts" you make yourself out to be." Her chest rose up and down, her fists clenching a clear sign of frustration. James looked like a kicked puppy, as if he was sorry she had to spell out to him how hypocritical it was to go after Severus the moment he felt slightly annoyed, no matter how much of an ass he was. Sure, Severus was horrible to her, and an overwhelming feeling of foolishness often consumed her thoughts because of him. But James had no right to use it as an excuse to go fishing for some drama of his own.
He wearily stepped forward, slightly reaching out his hand.
"Look, I-" James paused, cringing at himself. Lily shifted her legs and crossed her arms.
"What now?" she complained sharply, with a raised eyebrow and a condescending stare. The warm glow of the castles candles cast a light on his face that made his skin look as smooth as silk and his rich, chestnut eyes sparkle. A face far too innocent for a boy who just gave someone a broken nose.
James sighed, tilted his head, and his eyes became even more pathetic, if that was even possible.
"Just listen... not for long, I promise! Then you can leave, or- or tell me off or.. um, whatever I deserve!" he pleaded, his arms frantically wailing about. Thousands of expressions flashed over his face as he desperately tried to maintain Lily's eye contact, and her patience.
Lily bit her lip and looked to the side for a second, considering, the silence giving her time to collect her thoughts. James Potter was many things, but he was certainly not hard to read. Meaning surely there was at least a touch of regret eating at his heart. If not, then... well, she would never know unless she gave him a chance to speak.
"...Go on." A slight breeze brushed past as a flicker of hope appeared on James' face, easing her suspicion he might be toying with her.
"I know I can be reckless at times," he said. Lily scoffed. James gave an awkward smile, not quite knowing how to respond to that. "And... I was definitely reckless today and you- you don't deserve that!" His eyebrows raised as he said this, as if he was the one to tell her what she did and did not deserve, and she would never know on her own.
He hesitated for a second, then started again, "And I suppose my.. um.. past, with Snape, drove me to do some bad things to him, which he probably didn't deserve either."
"You think? Did you see him in the Hospital Wing James?" Her face grew hot, she knew she should give him time to speak, but James had been doing whatever he wanted since he arrived at Hogwarts, she needed him to realise there were some things he can't handle on his own. "Or did you just not even begin to think that your actions have consequences, and that- violence would just magically solve your problems?" The atmosphere of the hallway kept twisting and tightening the heavier the conflict became.
"I- no! I saw what I did, it was.." James took a deep breath, "awful. I was awful to him, I have been awful to him. I let my all of this get the better of me and.. I convinced myself I was doing something good, protecting you, in a way," he attempted to explain. It pained her, watching him realise a million things at once, which most people usually realised at, what, 12? It pained her even more to think about the fact that she felt a hint of guilt for speaking so harshly to him. But the odd aching of her heart didn't matter right now, James seemed to be making progress, and this might be the best apology she'd get from James Potter if she was patient.
"But I- I see now that that's not what you need, is it?" he said, his muscles loosening. Lily couldn't help but feel a flutter when he looked directly at her and softened, searching for something in her eyes. She froze, the breeze turned silent, the flames lighting the castle blurred into the background as she thought.
"Well, yes. As much as I appreciate your support... I don't need anyone to fight my battles for me," she expressed, her chin lifted slightly. "None of this would've happened, had you backed down and just... ignored him, or- at least not let him rile you up." James leaned back a bit, his eyebrows knitted as he lowered his head. The aching in her heart grew stronger, her limbs slightly weak.
A serious look appeared on his face as he looked up, "I realise that now and... I'm sorry, Lily. I don't know what I can do to- to make this better, if anything at all, and-" he paused before releasing his shoulders with a sigh. Not a soul walked by, no one to fill in this vulnerable moment, no one to answer James for her. Lily let her arms down and faced James with, what she hoped, was a forgiving smile.
"Thank you, James. That, um, that means a lot." A warm sensation spread slowly throughout her body, making the ache not feel so scary as she looked at James observe her with a hopeless gaze. "There's not much you can do now, since you know, he's already hurt, but..." James nodded, pursing his lips remorsefully, acknowledging the pain he caused. "Perhaps if you express some of this regret to him, or just apologise then... maybe we could have a chat, maybe," she decided.
"Okay," he said softly, just above a whisper. For once, he had relaxed and given his understanding to her. She just hoped this sympathetic version of James Potter didn't disappear by the morning, and maybe he'd go through with her request.
She stood there for a bit, just surveying him, taking it all in. His ruffled hair a mess, but soft and smelling of fresh grass. The moles on his face, like kisses from angels, drawing her in. His chapped lips, smiling wide, like a warm blessing. She felt wrapped in a cocoon, tight, no where else to go, but a part of Lily felt as if she could break free if she truly wanted to.
She straightened, "Well, it's getting a bit late now, and, you know, I have a test tomorrow." A complete lie. "So I think we should both head to bed. Because, I'm uh- sure you have stuff to do tomorrow as well and losing sleep is not really ideal," Lily said. She stumbled back a bit, before turning around completely and quickly walking off.
"Oh- um, yes, alright!" James replied. "Have a good night, Evans!" Just as she was about to go around the corner, she glanced back over her shoulder. James was awkwardly waving at her with a stupid grin on his face.
"You too, Potter," she chuckled. As she wandered off, her chest went fuzzy and her thoughts ran wild. Each step was light and hopeful as she made her way to her dorm. Lily wouldn't share exactly how she felt about this interaction to any of her friends, but maybe embracing the feeling with excitement wasn't so bad.
James Potter wasn't a changed man, but there was a part within him that shined now. Brighter than his ego, brighter than his stupid thoughts and weird pranks and all the ridiculous stuff he said. And there was a part of Lily that wanted to bathe in his sunlight.