Archive of Our Own ^beta

Hi Mark

I guess this marks the start of our email adventure, since you insist on not using your phone anymore. I can’t say that I don’t support that decision. I wanted to ask about home yesterday, but I forgot you don’t have a phone anymore and I was busy with work, so I finally found time to write to you today. I hope your parents are well. Being home should feel good. I’m sure Chicago is all crazy about you, and they’re probably working on a sculpture for you city center. I know how much you’ve missed home. We miss you here, too.

Work is work. When I’m not at the lab I’m teaching, and when I’m at home I’m writing my paper. I won’t tell you what it’s on, so it’ll be a surprise when it comes out next year or so. I have the best research partners I could ever ask for. I also love teaching young, aspiring medical students. It’s just so great to see their little horrified looks when we do practicals.

I’ll hear from you soon, I hope.
P.S. Why is your personal email address this?
Chris.

Hi Chris!!!!!
Ian Happ is a Cubs player. I thought it was pretty self-explanatory. I’m really happy to see that you mention how much everyone misses me multiple times in your email. It made me feel important again. Home is great. I get to see Wrigley Field everyday. My parents are amazing. They want to meet the crew. Soon, hopefully.

I’m very excited for your paper, which, like, just tell me what it’s on. If not, I’ll just find one of your writing partners and find out. I’ve waited too long in my lifetime. I’m also happy to know you’re still teaching. I wish I could teach. They wouldn’t let me. You almost die on another planet and now all of a sudden you’re “not fit to educate and influence”. If anything, I think I’m the PERFECT person to educate and influence.

Anyway. Miss you. Email when you’re at work or something. Attach a nice snippet of your writing, and also a nice photo of your face when you’re at it, handsome ;)
Mark xx

Hi Mark

Checking in again. How is this chronically offline lifestyle working out for you? It is actually torture to not be able to text you throughout the day. I barely have time to go out for coffee as it is, let alone open up my computer to email you. As a doctor I genuinely think this is a good move for you, but as a friend I really really hate it.

Anyway. A bunch of us from work went out with Melissa on Monday to celebrate her pregnancy. She won’t let us come to the baby shower when it happens because it’ll be at Robert’s home state and maybe she’s embarrassed of her family or something, so we threw her a little party. Johanssen brought her new boyfriend. His name is Mark.

Other than that the week’s been pretty bleak. I was bitten by one of my patients during a consultant. I called my parents. I rewatched Severance. I bought a new CD.

I hope you’re doing well. We still miss you.

Chris.

Hi Chris!! No phone has been hell. Actual, literal hell. The Nokia brick phone my dad dug out of the basement for me has failed my on many occasions. I don’t even have your number on it yet. I’ll get to it soon, so we can at least call sometimes (if it decides to work).
I think my head is getting better. As in like, my therapist says I’m improving. She says the no phone rule is helping. Disconnecting, you know? Disconnecting to reconnect.

And excuse me? Johanssen’s new boyfriend’s name is MARK?! Is she TRYING to piss me off? Did it make things weird in the group??? Tell me more you dickhead. This is good stuff. And is he good looking? Is he decent? Did he seem appreciative of the fact that he’s with one of the greatest mathematicians (and nerds) of the century? TELL ME MORE YOU FREAK WHY AREN’T YOU INTERESTED BY THIS!!!

AND! What do you mean you didn’t have in interesting week? A patient literally bit you. Did they have rabies? Are you okay? WHY did he bite you? Is it some freaky House MD shit? What CD did you get? Do you even have a CD player?

With every email I just have more questions, Chris. Email back this second because I need to KNOW, Chris!!!! >:(

I didn’t know you’d be that interested in all that stuff. Sorry, I should’ve expected that. I’ll brief you as detailed as I can, promise.

Mark, Beth’s boyfriend, is a nice guy. He was very friendly. They met on Hinge, which is still baffling to me and everyone else. Maybe we really are old. He definitely is not as smart as her, but he definitely knows that, and he definitely is proud as shit of her. She did mention the name coincidence and it did make things sort of weird for a hot minute, because your name is like Voldemort's around this place. He Who Must Not Be Named.

A patient bit me because he wanted to get out. I won’t bore you with details but it was far from a House MD situation. I don’t know why he went for me and not his actual attending. It hurt. It wasn’t rabies and I’m okay. I got a Radiohead CD because I’m experimenting. It’s weirdly comforting.

Hope that covers everything.

They should retire my name. Radiohead is cool.

Mark xxx

Chris,

I heard from Johanssen you’ve been getting busier. I hope work isn’t too much for you, teaching and writing and doing all that doctor stuff. Hope you’re making time to have fun too.

Last weekend my parents and I adopted a dog! Her name is Rover after my wife, the Mars rover. She really saved my life, and it’s only fitting to give our new dog that name, something about rebirth bla ba bla. How pathetic is it to be thirty and live with your parents? I wouldn’t know because I was stuck on Mars so I am far, far from pathetic.

Uhhh what else. Not much. Lots of video games. I cannot believe I am playing Zork in this day and age. I must really love Johanssen. I’ve recently started grocery shopping for all of us instead of my mom. I fucking love a good market. I think I want to start learning how to cook.

Write back when you have the time. I want to know how your paper’s coming along.

Mark x

Chrissy poo. No email in two weeks? Wowwww. One moment he’s pulling you out of a literal moving spacecraft, the other he ghosts you. Through EMAIL, no less. Men.

Anyhowwww… Rover’s a big girl, if you’re wondering. She’s a golden retriever/ anonymous breed, who’s the happiest person I know in my life right now. Much happier than me, that’s for sure. I take her out every day from five to seven, which doubles as my exercise for the day. She is an awesome running partner.

I’ve quit going to the gym, because like why the hell do we go to gyms when nature is the greatest gym there is?

Cubs won yesterday, watched the game with my dad. Miss you. Don’t let work screw with your head, okay?

Mark x

Mark,

So sorry for the lack of emails this month. I’ve been really busy with the paper and my writing partner Ellis. I barely check my messages or personal emails and the only way to get a hold of my lately is to knock on my door. Which is such a shame, since you don’t live here anymore.

I’ve read your updates. I love the fact that Rover seems to have brightened your life. I can’t wait to meet her some day. Work is really fucking screwing with my head, but Ellis is wonderful and she’s probably my closest friend I have right now.

Hopefully after all this is over I can take a trip to IL. Miss you lots.

Chris.

CHRIS! UR ALIVE!

Your paper is going to be awesome. You need to write a book. You know, I’ve been approached probably ten million times for book rights and movie rights and everything rights but I’m not sure yet. I’m barely back on Earth.

You’ve always been a super hard worker. Please take care of yourself, or I’ll get Johanssen to yell at you and you don’t want that. It’s like having the nerdy chipmunk from Alvin and the Chipmunks yell at you.

And this “Ellis” person being your closest friend is honestly kind of insulting. What does she bring to the table? Will you jump from your spaceship into the vast void of space to save her? (Jokes aside, I’m sure she’s a wonderful person).

Don’t worry about talking to me too much. I know you’re busy. I’m always here if you need me.

Mark x

I’m emailing on my phone because I know you’d enjoy this one. One of my students got a hold of the beta version of the teaching curriculum derived from your Martian farming, the one you wrote before you left. Begged me to teach it like I was the one who wrote it. Made copies, shared with the whole class. They left smiling their heads off.

Don’t get full of yourself when you read this.

Chris.

That. Is. Awesome. I really hope they’ll let me teach my own curriculum one day. If I ever pass their stupid evaluation. If they don’t, you are absolutely the one I’d want to teach it, even if you’re only an okay-ish botanist. Handsome man, pretty shit botanist.

Soy milk

I’m not your shopping list.

Chris, I can’t lie to you. Living in your hometown where you haven’t lived since your life fucking took a turn so dramatic you get stuck on a different planet is kinda rough. I have no friends here, everyone I knew from school has either moved away or has emailed me asking for recommendations within the past month. I have no job. I’m a freeloader. A really rich freeloader balling from all of that NASA money, but still a freeloader. All I do all day is walk my dog and feed my dog and talk to my dog.

I really think I undersold how much I’d miss you guys to my therapist. I thought I’d be more okay to be honest, because I was okay on Mars, wasn’t I? It’s just different back here. Up there, I had no purpose but to come back. Now, I have no purpose at all.

I feel like everyone is moving on without me. I am stuck, once again. Sorry for dumping all this onto you when I should be asking how your week was. I have a therapist (and a psychiatrist and psychologist all on speed dial, but I digress) but she’s not a friend, you know? I want a friend.

Miss you so much, Mark x

I want to start off by saying I miss you too, Mark. We all do. It’s shocking to me that you’ve only been gone two months. How did we survive when you were up there for over a year?

First of all, you are not whatever kind of loser you seem to think you are. You’re always too hard on yourself when really, everyone can see that you’re thriving. I can’t imagine how difficult finding your purpose now must be, no one has ever been in your position before. Taking time to work through these things about yourself doesn’t make you fall behind in life. Personally, you’ve lived life 14 times over.

Second of all, you are the funniest, bubbliest, most outgoing and most loving person I know. I know that you are super famous… everywhere, but one hour with you and everyone will see how brilliantly smart, attentive and humble you are. Don’t let the magnitude of your reputation hold you back, because when have you ever?

Don’t feel bad. I will always take time out of my day to respond to you when you need me. I freaking love you Mark, okay?

Chris

I want to hire you as my side chick therapist <3

I don’t know if Martinez has told you already but J broke up with her boyfriend. No more 2nd Mark around. I think I’ll miss seeing him. I might have a problem with missing people named Mark.

Keeping a boyfriend for only 3 months? We didn’t teach her well…

And don’t miss fake Mark too much. Real Mark is still here ;)

Don’t say that you’ve warned me about this and I ignored you because that’s not what happened, okay? But the human psychology is weird. I’m okay for a long time it feels like and suddenly I can just be… not okay. Just like that. Boom, I’m weird now.

It’s almost a delayed psychological response. For months it feels unreal, being home and being safe, and I think now it’s all hitting too hard and too fast. Repression is a great coping mechanism when you’re facing the danger itself, but repression when you’re just sitting home jobless all day? Not fun. It manifests itself in disgusting ways such as binge watching a bunch of Christmas romcoms at midnight, waking up in cold sweats and panic attacks.

All this to say that I wish I’d taken that Psychology class when I was at UChicago. It’d help me understand my situation a lot better. But then again, is it my job to understand myself? Or is it my therapist’s? Is it the whole world’s?

Mark.

You scare me sometimes when you say these things, but I’m going to assume by the lighthearted tone of your email that everything is under control between you and your therapist. I do hope your night terrors are getting better. They were pretty bad the first few nights back aboard…

But you’re right. The human psyche is fascinating. They should study you extensively to make incredible breakthroughs in the field. Repression can only harm you right now. I’d rather you feel everything all at once, say whatever you want to say, be scared, be afraid, be lonely. I’d rather you let yourself feel all these things and really let it sink into your bones. I’d rather be there with you to help you experience it all, but Dr. Lucille is an amazing therapist who I know is taking great strides with you.

I hope you remember that it’s okay now, Mark. You’re home. We got you. We’d never let anything hurt you again.

Chris x

Chris, do you want to hear something insane?

I miss you most when I look at my dog.

Mark,

Kerry’s birthday was this weekend, I know you know, but I’d like to give my two cents on it if you don’t mind. Yes I know Martinez already told you everyone’s well and what presents they got Kerry, but I’d like to tell you myself.

Kerry is such a bright and beautiful girl. She’s incredibly smart and talkative and she’s not even afraid of the clown Martinez got her for the party (which J was more afraid of than any of the kids). She misses you, and really wants to see you. I think you’d want to see her too. She’s gotten so big.

Marissa wants me to let you know that she’s thinking of you always, because your number doesn’t work when she texts anymore. I told her you got rid of your phone, and she thought I was joking.

Other than that it was nice to just let loose and celebrate Martinez and his kid for a bit. Paper is coming along. It might even be coming to an end, who knows.

Give Rover a hug and a kiss for me.

Chris

Chris,

I think it’s interesting your sister’s birthday was on the same weekend, yet you chose to talk exclusively about Martinez’s kid’s party. What kind of a brother are you?

Don’t talk about my literal goddaughter Kerry, because I will cry thinking about her. I told Martinez I really wished I could be with her. She breaks my heart, that little monster.

And don’t worry, I did reach out to Marissa through Martinez. It was nice talking to her after a long while. Very happy your paper is almost done! After, you can focus on teaching full time. I’ll even fly out to be your model if you need one.

Rover misses you (pretend she knows who you are).

Mark x

I’ve been thinking a lot about this. About stuff, in general, but about this in particular. I’m going to say everything, so beware of a long email.

I know we’ve been friends for a long time. We first met during the crew first look. I have to say, I was enamored from the start. You were funny, quiet, smart, way too humble for someone so smart. Everyone else was super smart and welcoming too, of course, but I think we both felt drawn to each other. I got really close with Martinez, of course, but throughout training you and I probably got each other best. We were closest in age and both beautiful single men, me especially.

And I’ll even address the elephant in the room, which I KNOW is very difficult for us to talk about so LET ME BREATHE. I know we had this weird thing… like a weird THING the entire outbound trip. It was real, and we felt it, I know. We never… talked about it or were semi straightforward about it whatsoever, so I guess nothing ever came out of it. Except how much I adore you. I think everyone could tell. I don’t know if you could.

I want to apologize for this. I’ve thought of one million ways of how I could apologize to you while I was on Mars, when every day could’ve been my last. I felt incredibly stupid and pathetic that I couldn’t put a title on it or even admit to you why I was doing all those things like sneaking into your room at night. I kept thinking I should’ve told you, even when I didn’t know what I was feeling, I could’ve told you something like “I care about you” or “You are so important to me” or SOMETHING. But I said nothing. And I regretted it deeply.

When you grabbed me from out in space it didn’t feel real. When I saw your face from inside your EVA suit it literally felt like I ascended into heaven. It wasn’t until you guys hauled me on board and almost started doing CPR on me that it hit me, that it was all real. That I had another chance. That was the first thing on my mind, because your face was the first thing I saw. You looked different, older, more tired, and I couldn’t imagine how different I looked to you. I wondered if you still loved me, if you loved me at all.

I guess this is a confession of sorts. I have lived my life way too dependent on jokes and laughter, which is amazing and works because I’m really fucking funny, but it’s rare that I feel the need to open up. I need to tell you, because I need you in my life. I need you the way I want you, and I am past waiting. I have wasted too much time being a coward and shutting up, and my time home has reminded me that I am deserving of everything.

Everyone in my life has told me it is good for me to tell you. That they think you are good for me. Dr. Lucille, Melissa, Martinez, Vogel, even J. Everyone. I miss you deeply every day. I miss the short weeks you let me stay at your place before the trial was over and I was finally free from NASA’s grasp. I miss your kindness, laughter, your intelligence. And every time I miss, I’m afraid that I won’t get again. Missing reminds me of being so far away. If I miss, I want to have as well.

I’ve loved you before I could even say it.

Mark.

Mark,

I’m sorry it’s taken me a couple weeks to respond. It is so hard to type this right now. I’ve reread your email over and over and over, and every time it amazes me a different way. I am so hurt. And happy. And sad, and so filled with love it feels painful. I feel so loved in a way I could never have imagined.

I am thankful for you. I am thankful you chose to say everything that I could not. I’m not as good as you, you’d like to think you’re not good at expressing yourself but you’re actually insane. I want to be as open and honest as you were with me, because I treasure that so much.

I want to have you forever. I’ve known this since the drill where we were locked up with the crew for three days in a pod together. I knew this when I watered your plants on the Hermes when you were away. I knew this when I cried at your first email to us. I knew everything, and I was too sure that you’d come back to ever think of telling you.

I don’t think distance is good for us after this. I really don’t. Distance is the worst thing to ever stand between you and me. I love you so much I never thought I could say it. I love you so much I’d do it all over again, years of my life in space, everything.

I need you to drive up this weekend. I need to see you and Rover.

Chris x

I heard you and Beck finally sorted it out. Excited to see you this weekend bro ;) You’re the man.

Rick.