Work Text:
2/21/26
2:00 PM? WATCH STOPPED WORKING
LOCATION: HERESY
INTERVIEWEE: "IXAEL"
BEGIN
[TAPE RECORDER CLICKS ON]
[HELL IS QUIET. DEVOID OF ANY SOUND.]
ANONYMOUS: Hello?
[...]
ANONYMOUS: Ixael?
[...]
ANONYMOUS: You were here just a second ago, I just started the recording, where did—where did you go?
[SHUFFLING CLAWS]
IXAEL: Is it not gonna hurt me?
[ANONYMOUS LAUGHS]
ANONYMOUS: I had a feeling you'd be like that. Come on, we have an interview to do.
IXAEL: I don't trust that thing.
ANONYMOUS: This isn't powered by blood, just don't turn it off, we need it for the recording.
[...]
IXAEL: How should I believe you?
ANONYMOUS: Just trust me. I'm here to bring some good news, anyways.
[SOUND OF APPROACHING BOOTS]
IXAEL: Well, it's hard for me to trust anyone nowadays, but I'll give this a shot. Talk to me.
ANONYMOUS: Alright. Let's begin.
[PAPER UNFOLDS]
ANONYMOUS: First question: do you know your origins? Has anyone told you where you come from?
IXAEL: Well, gee, that's hard. Where is this going?
ANONYMOUS: Just making sure these next questions don't baffle you too much. Leaning into it, y'know.
IXAEL: Well, I know that I'm from Fraud. I don't know who my direct parents are, but I'm assuming I'm probably one of the millions of children directly descended from Hell itself. No human or angelic soul.
ANONYMOUS: Doubt an angelic soul has ever become a husk.
IXAEL: Well, I'm not a husk, and I doubt that's ever happened. Hell'll spit that soul back out faster than the Garden of Forking Paths shifts.
[IXAEL CHORTLES]
ANONYMOUS: Yeah. Now second question: Do you know about that machine you ran into once?
[...]
ANONYMOUS: I'm sorry, Ixael, but this question's pretty important for the progression of this interview.
IXAEL: Okay. Well... Uhm...
[IXAEL CLEARS THROAT NERVOUSLY]
IXAEL: Yes. I don't know its name, but I do remember its face. Especially when it...
[...]
ANONYMOUS: Do you remember it killing you?
IXAEL: Yes. I don't know how I'm still alive.
ANONYMOUS: Are you aware that there is a second one?
IXAEL: There's a what?
[...]
[...]
ANONYMOUS: It's called V2.
IXAEL: It better be fucking dead or else I am going to throw myself into the lava of Heresy faster than you can blink.
ANONYMOUS: It's dead.
IXAEL: Whew.
ANONYMOUS: Okay, fourth question: Are you okay with learning about your creator?
IXAEL: As long as it isn't too far out there. If it's not that damn God or something, I'm interested, but you better not say it's that damn machine or some rat or something. Make it seem believable, or else I'll rip your head clean off. I'm carnivorous, don't you forget.
[IXAEL CHORTLES]
ANONYMOUS: Nevermind, then.
[FLIPS PAPER]
IXAEL: What?
ANONYMOUS: How do you pronounce your name?
IXAEL: 'Iks-AY-ul,' like Ixayel, and now I'm really fucking curious, so go back to those previous questions and tell me who my creator is.
ANONYMOUS: Are you sure you want to know?
IXAEL: If I can come back from the fucking dead in Heresy, anything's possible, so tell me.
[ANONYMOUS CLEARS THEIR THROAT]
ANONYMOUS: You come from a fanfiction.
IXAEL: What?
ANONYMOUS: You know what a fanfiction is, right?
IXAEL: Yes, I do. My form is literally my persona. This I already know, so thanks for the buildup for nothing. I have been knowing this, ever since I took my happy ass up to Heaven for a mission.
[IXAEL CHORTLES]
IXAEL: Just hit me with the good news already, for fuck's sake.
ANONYMOUS: It wouldn't make sense yet.
IXAEL: What does that mean?
ANONYMOUS: You'll see.
[FLIPS PAPER]
ANONYMOUS: Fifth question: Do you know about the game ULTRAKILL?
IXAEL: Theeeeee fuck is that?
ANONYMOUS: Didn't expect you would. I'll explain what it is, but like—in my own words, okay?
IXAEL: Okay.
ANONYMOUS: Ahem. ULTRAKILL is a fast-paced shootergame developed by Arsi "Hakita" Patala, releasing in 2020 under the publisher New Blood Interactive.
IXAEL: Mhm? What's a shooter game, may I ask?
ANONYMOUS: You shoot stuff.
IXAEL: Should've guessed. Continue.
ANONYMOUS: It's a very bloody, explosiony, killy, and very fun game, in my opinion.
IXAEL: When was excessive killing ever fun?
[ANONYMOUS LAUGHS]
ANONYMOUS: The human spirit is a strange one.
IXAEL: I guess. You're the only human I've ever met. I feel like I should be more concerned about how you're alive, but I guess I don't want the answer to that question.
ANONYMOUS: Yeah, you don't. It's complicated.
IXAEL: Okay. Go on. I wanna see where this is going.
ANONYMOUS: The game takes place through the eyes of the supreme machine, V1, as you traverse the layers of Hell killing enemies for fuel. Sound familiar?
[...]
[...]
IXAEL: Oh my god.
ANONYMOUS: Yeah.
IXAEL: My creator is that fucking machine?!
ANONYMOUS: No, no. It's Hakita.
IXAEL: I am going to find Hakita and put them on a fucking crucifix for putting me through this torture.
ANONYMOUS: No, no. That's the game the fanfiction you come from is based off. There's another person to blame for this hell.
IXAEL: Who?
ANONYMOUS: The writer.
IXAEL: Yeah, I don't believe I'd write myself making that shit happen to me.
ANONYMOUS: No, this isn't the fanfiction you wrote I'm talking about.
IXAEL: What? I'm confused.
ANONYMOUS: You come from an actual fanfiction that a person—that wasn't you—wrote.
[SHUFFLING, LEANING FORWARD?]
IXAEL: So let me get this straight.
ANONYMOUS: Mhm?
IXAEL: I... A person who once wrote a fanfiction about my current self... Come from a fanfiction about this game called "ULTRAKILL?"
ANONYMOUS: I know this is a lot to take in, but yes.
IXAEL: This seems pretty hard to make up, so I'll believe you.
ANONYMOUS: Gabriel comes from the original game, alongside V1 and its clone, but I'm afraid that you, Quinesels, the other archangels, alongside many, many other angels are only original characters.
[...]
IXAEL: So I don't blame Hakita for this?
ANONYMOUS: No.
IXAEL: Who do I blame?
[FLIPS PAPER]
ANONYMOUS: Says here the fanfiction you come from is titled "As Above, So Below" by the user "relity_silver."
IXAEL: Reality, you mean?
ANONYMOUS: No, look, says there, "Relity."
[SHUFFLING PAPER]
IXAEL: Hmm.
[IXAEL SNARLS]
IXAEL: Yeah, Relity, you think this is fucking funny, don't you? Whenever I get my bloody fucking claws on you, I'll tear your flesh and sinew from your thin, wet bones—
ANONYMOUS: Ixael, please calm down—
IXAEL: And I'll pick them clean like the scavenger birds you filthy humans shoot with your wailing, booming weapons of mass destruction, the same creatures you wiped extinct off the face of the planet you once could've cherished, in a brilliant world you tore apart as we watched the fruits of your horror, your own personal demons, your drag path of futile chaos drip down through the layers and live a misery they were too ignorant to acknowledge was inevitable—
ANONYMOUS: IXAEL!
[...]
ANONYMOUS: You're getting off track.
IXAEL: Sorry. Where were we?
ANONYMOUS: Your creator, but we can just go to the next question.
IXAEL: Okay.
[FLIPS PAPER]
ANONYMOUS: Okay. Sixth question: Are you okay with all of this?
[SHUFFLING, SLUMPING FORWARD]
[IXAEL SIGHS]
IXAEL: I dunno. This is a lot to take in.
ANONYMOUS: That's fine.
IXAEL: I don't even know if I should believe you. I dunno if any if this is even real.
ANONYMOUS: No, everything here is still real.
IXAEL: Okay.
ANONYMOUS: I feel like I should get through some filler questions, first.
IXAEL: [TIREDLY] Why the fuck not?
ANONYMOUS: Okay. What defines true love?
IXAEL: Hm. Fuck if I know. You like a person and wanna have someone to support you. Reciprocate and shit like that. Cherishing. Whatever it is, I never figured it out.
[IXAEL CHORTLES]
ANONYMOUS: Alright. How would you describe yourself in three words?
IXAEL: Fraudulent yearning P.O.S.
ANONYMOUS: I don't think that's three words.
IXAEL: Hey, bud—let's not get technical, shall we?
ANONYMOUS: Well then, good enough. If there was one thing in your life you could do, what could it be?
[...]
IXAEL: Ah shit, this one's hard.
ANONYMOUS: Take your time.
[...]
IXAEL: Either spend more time up in Heaven or let Quinesels come to Heaven with me.
ANONYMOUS: I see. How do you feel about the other archangels?
IXAEL: Don't hear that much besides the mopey whines that Gabriel gives about he misses them. From what I've gathered, Uriel's a pathetic moon-dog-thing loser, Raphael's a hippy-dippy super religious body-hair-don't-care loser, and Michael's the big one with the big sword and big shield and big status.
ANONYMOUS: Okay—
IXAEL: And Uriel's the yellow one, Raphael's the green one, Michael's the red one, and Gabriel's the blue one.
[...]
[...]
ANONYMOUS: ...Okay.
IXAEL: Just give me the good news already, I'm getting bored.
ANONYMOUS: A few more questions.
IXAEL: Give 'em to me straight, doc'.
[IXAEL CHORTLES]
ANONYMOUS: Okay. Do you understand how may people out there love you?
[...]
IXAEL: People what now?
ANONYMOUS: You have fans. I could even be bold enough to say some would wanna be your romantic partner.
IXAEL: Woah, hey, I know that Gabriel's gone and all that but I'm not up for grabs. I plan to live that sad soppy widow lifestyle for a bit. Not saying I don't appreciate the support, but I'd rather appreciate some time to mourn and not rebound, let alone have five different people tryna get underneath my armor. Love you guys, too, just—it gets to a point.
[IXAEL LAUGHS]
IXAEL: Didn't know I was that popular.
ANONYMOUS: You're pretty damn interesting, and the game you're from is popular, so it's only fair.
IXAEL: Other people deserve the spotlight.
ANONYMOUS: You earned it fair and square, Ixael.
IXAEL: Just give me the next question.
ANONYMOUS: Is there any life advice you'd like to give to those listening?
IXAEL: Fuck shit up and see what happens, good or bad, doesn't matter. Reap what you sow and all that. People aren't always what they seem and anything can happen, so be prepared, and did I mention how much shit people take for granted? Be grateful for what you have, folks. Education, friends, family... Hell, even a roof over your head, because I knew that back in Fraud I either had a negative amount of roofs or too many to count.
ANONYMOUS: Are you ever interested in looking at Earth?
IXAEL: What is there to look at?
ANONYMOUS: Like... Whenever it was inhabitable. New peace era and all that.
IXAEL: If I get to bring Quinesels with me, sure. I know I always talk 'bout how I loathe humans but I'm a bit curious.
ANONYMOUS: Okay. Last question.
IXAEL: Is it the good news?
ANONYMOUS: Yeah.
IXAEL: Sweet.
ANONYMOUS: So, ULTRAKILL is actually still in development, and there's a little fact about the fanfiction you come from.
IXAEL: Yeah?
ANONYMOUS: Beyond teasers and hints at the layer Fraud, there actually is no content from it, meaning the layer you come from—in this world—is entirely made up by the author Relity.
IXAEL: ...Wow.
ANONYMOUS: And, as of recording this, the layer is supposed to come out in a week, around March 1st.
IXAEL: Can I play it?
ANONYMOUS: I doubt the terminals would let you, but maybe soon. I just need you to, like, say a thing real quick for the recording.
[RECORDER SLIDES CLOSER TO IXAEL]
IXAEL: Whadda I have to say?
ANONYMOUS: Just like... 'Happy Layer Eight' or something.
IXAEL: Happy ULTRAKILL Layer Eight or something. I doubt I'd be there, but look for the shapeshifter or the bigger cooler shapeshifter that isn't me. Also, read my story, the one about the pathetic wet dog of a demon and the pathetic wet cat of an angel. We do stuff. Whoopee-doo.
ANONYMOUS: Alright, and that should be—wait.
[FLIPS PAPER]
ANONYMOUS: There was a note I wrote here, oh my god, I forgot to tell you.
IXAEL: Hmm?
ANONYMOUS: I'm actually Relity.
[...]
[...]
IXAEL: [GROWLING] Oh, you're just fuckin' asking for it—
ANONYMOUS: NononoNONONONO—
[SCREAMING]
[RECORDING ENDS]