Chapter Text
The Old Dudes
10:34 AM
Jack added GoldenBoy, Babygirl, VolcanicAsh, FriedRice, Piggy, Bonnie, Clyde, Moroni.
Jack: alr new old island folk gc now that simon got a phone
VolcanicAsh: wtf is my name
Jack: idk i js named everyone
FriedRice: My names stupid
Babygirl: Hello??? Why am I Babygirl??
Babygirl renamed themself to Simon.
Simon: That’s better
FriedRice renamed themself to ‘Rice.
VolcanicAsh renamed themself to Roger.
Piggy renamed themself to Peter.
Jack: omg hi piggy
Peter: Peter please
GoldenBoy: Wait, when’d u get my number??
Jack: simon gave it to me
GoldenBoy: Simon whyyy
GoldenBoy renamed themself to Ralph.
Jack: you guys are boringgg
‘Rice: Says the guy who named himself Jack
Jack: ok so stfu
‘Rice: Wait Jack
Do u have the video of me falling over the hurdle??
Jack: ya
y
‘Rice: I want to make a tragic edit
Jack: r u still at urgent care
Moroni: why is rice at urgent care?
Roger: is ‘rice ok?
Ralph: Who’s rice?
Jack: maurice
Roger: maurice
‘Rice: Maurice
Moroni: maurice
‘Rice: Im fine
I js fell over a hurdle
Obliterated my arm
And Jack laughed at me
Jack: IT WAS FUCKING FUNNY
‘Rice: WHAT IF I DIED
STUPID JUMPER
Jack: STUPID HURDLER
‘Rice: STUPID SPRINTER
Jack: THATS U TOO
‘Rice: Not my fault Im js too good
Moroni renamed themself to Robert.
Jack: damn robert too
Robert: can we stop bullying me bc i’m mormon??
😔
Simon: ‘Rice r u good?
‘Rice: I been waiting for like 3 hours now
Theyre not gonna get to me anytime soon
Should I start screaming so they think its serious?
Jack: please
im so bored rn
only interesting thing thats happened is some fat bum from high jump broke the bar
Simon: Is there a track meet rn?
Jack: yeah
15’5” on long
‘Rice: damnnn
Jack: thank you thank you
Ralph: Is that good?
Jack: i think so
Clyde: whos bonnie?
Bonnie: and clyde?
Jack: like two thieves
Clyde renamed themself to Eric.
Bonnie renamed themself to Sam.
Jack: ok so js say you all hate my naming
Ralph: I hate it
Roger: you named me volcanicash
Jack: but it describes u
Roger: ???
‘Rice: Jacks a mystery
Simon: Jack, ur my white mystery
Jack: DUDE WHAT
‘Rice: NOT THE AIRHEAD JOKE
Roger: FROM SIMON??
Ralph: What is the airhead joke??
Jack: gotta be on xc
Simon: XC guys know
‘Rice: Its all from xc Ralph
Roger: i think xc is the freakiest sport bc what goes on
Simon: I’m a different person on long runs
Jack: he went feral
‘Rice: Jack fell in a bush one time
Jack: do not leak that
rog u should do xc
Roger: i fucking hate running
never suggest that again
Sam: language
Eric: language
Peter: Language
Roger: jackass literally said the fuck word earlier
Jack: “the fuck word” ☠️
yall get the reference??
‘Rice: Yessss
Ralph: “Yall” ☠️
First the American accent and now this
Jack: ur js jealous ive assiminlated already
Ralph: I guarentee u Jack listens to bro country
Jack: truck jeans beer girl creek boots truck
‘Rice: GOT A BEER IN MY BEER AND A CHEVY IN MY TRUCK
Roger: wtf does that mean
‘Rice: Country
Wait
Omg
The doctors calling me in
Lets see if my arms rly broken or not
Peter: Are you okay?
Jack: hell be fine
Sam: language
Jack: he’ll dipshit
Eric: name calling i see
Jack: eric i thought u were the chill twin
bestie u have highlights
Ralph: Eric has highlights?
Eric: ya, i’ve had them
Simon: You haven’t noticed??
Ralph: I don’t usually look at people’s hair??
Roger: nah mate
ur always staring at jacks
Ralph: No??
Jack: its ok
i already know im majestic
Roger: u look like a sunburnt walrus
Jack: thats a new one
rice r u done yett
i miss u
Roger: bro hes been gone for like 2 seconds
Jack: i miss my favorite bro
Simon: Cousin behavior
Jack: hes my therapist
Roger: i thought ur dad beefed w therapists
Jack: he beefs w rice
Simon: Ur dad hates everyone
Jack: ngl he prob hates u
Roger: ofc he hates me
Simon: Why would he hate me??
I’m like the nicest guy ever
Jack: dawg he only likes rowan and that one guy from the store
Roger: the guy from costco that one time?
Jack: ya the guy who was on abt politics and how it translates into food consumption
he had some valid points tho
Simon: Was that when ur dad took us to get smoothies?
Roger: ya
Simon: I had to explain what a seizure was to that guy 😭
Jack: i love knowing more than grown ass adults
like cpr
Roger: so can we stop braggin abt that
u pmo
Jack: thank you thank you
Simon: Can we drown Jack if he yaps abt that again
Roger: YES PLEASE MOM CAN WE
Jack: whos mom
simon or piggy
*peter
Peter: Thank you
Roger: both
Sam: peter texts like an npc
Eric: npc ahh message
Peter: I was just saying thank you.
Jack: oh hes mad
Peter: How am I mad?
Jack: u used a period
Roger: jack has pms
Ralph: HELP
Jack: WHAT
Simon: His hair is red from his period
Jack: I SWEAR IM NOT THE TRANS ONE
Simon: Jack no
Jack: jack yes
r any of u guys around??
the meets over and i want to go commit vehicular manslaughter or smth
Ralph: U do u boo
Jack: thanks
any takers??
rice pls be done soon
Roger: ill come if simon comes
Simon: When?
Jack: now
or later
or soon
‘Rice: Like the candy
Roger: ur back
Simon: Yay ‘Rice!
Jack: whats the verdict twin
‘Rice: Really funny
Its broken
Ralph: How is that funny?
‘Rice: Its broken near the funny bone
4 weeks til I can get the cast off
Jack: wanna go on a run tmr
‘Rice: Im down
Jack: rice no
‘Rice: Im not meant to run until I get it off
But what they dont know wont hurt em
Ralph: Rice ur gonna die
Jack: good
Roger: good
Simon: Good
‘Rice: Good
Eric: good
Robert: excellent
Ralph: U guys r all haters
What did Rice do to u
Jack: bc rice killed my grandma ok
Roger: U GUYS HAVE THE SAME GRANDMA
‘Rice: Nah the other one
Pushed her off a bridge
Actually the one we share had a heart attack after she heard abt how Jack skinned a raccoon at Christian conversion camp
Ralph: U went to Christian conversion camp??
Jack: ya
i like did the opposite of converted
i like deverted
‘Rice: He proverted
Ralph: What??
‘Rice: Like pros and cons
Jack: mmmmmmm
i see the vision cuz
Ralph: No way u js called him cuz
‘Rice: Way
Jack if I pull up to ur house can I have ice cream
Pretty please
🥺
Jack: ugh fine
cripple
‘Rice: Yippee