Work Text:
“Sounds like you were quite lucky.” Clara said with a smile. “When he took me there, the park was much less fun and much more dangerous.”
“Let me guess, Cybermen?”
“Oh, did the Doctor tell you?”
“No but she was a bit anxious and threw a few comments that now begin to make sense.”
The two of them were chilling in Clara’s bedroom, sitting on her bed while she was doing Yaz’s hair into two neat braids and Yaz was telling her about the most recent adventure with the Doctor. It felt nice, Yaz had to admit, to simply relax in the presence of her girlfriend – just a quiet moment for them two, as the Master was in the middle of his day and a half long nap, blissfully unaware she was even on board. Of course, she enjoyed his company (which was still a little bizarre thought to have so she tried not to think too hard about it) but liking both of them didn’t mean she wanted to always spend time with both of them. Just like they often hung out without her present.
“Well, then perhaps we should go there together some time. So you can see the Hedgewick’s World that’s not Cyber-infested?”
“Maybe some day.” Clara said evasively, securing the braids with red ribbon. “For now, I very much intend to ruin my work entirely, if you don’t mind.”
“Come on, it’s going to be fun…” Yaz gasped a little, feeling her girlfriend’s chill lips pressing against her nape. “And you’re not ruining anything, I want to admire it for a while.”
“Okay, I can work around it.” Clara’s mouth was moving to the side of her neck, her breath nice and cool against Yaz’s skin. “And you just came back from that park, don’t be too greedy.”
“Then we can go out and do something else. You told me about that forest made of mist, we could go there.”
“We could. Or I can keep doing what I’m doing and kiss every inch of your skin, you know. I got myself a pretty new set of underwear, I bought it specially for you.”
Yaz let out a shaky breath as Clara’s words, deepened by a pair of hands that sneaked under her jumper to cup her chest through the bra, sent a pleasant warmth through her core; still, she tried to compose herself, fully aware that all of this was meant to distract her. “We go out so rarely nowadays. What’s going on, honey?”
“Nothing. I’m just jealous and don’t want to share you with the world.”
“That’s not– Clara!” Yaz moaned softly when those sneaky hands squeezed her breasts gently. “I’m– can you stop? Please?”
Her girlfriend listened, although she didn’t look too happy about it; when Yaz turned to face her, she saw a pout curving her lips downwards. “Why? You’re looking very hot and I feel very horny today, you know. To think of it, the second statement actually might be connected to the first one.”
“I just– I want to talk.” Yaz tried her best to ignore the blush that creeped up her cheeks; their recent deepening of the relationship made Clara’s compliments even worse, which she thought was impossible. And yet. “I noticed, you know. We used to travel out fairly often, you showed me so many amazing places but– recently, it just stopped. So suddenly, too. Why is that? What’s going on, Clara? If it’s about something I’ve done…”
“No! Of course it’s not. You did everything great, I swear.”
“Then what?” She pushed, reaching to take Clara’s hand in her own, watching her face closely to try to read anything from it.
Her girlfriend was biting her lip, fighting with herself on whether or not she should say the truth. “You won’t like it.”
“Well. I’ll try to be brave about it, pinky promise.”
Clara laughed, but it was a forced one, her shoulders tense; she looked like someone who just got caught red-handed – and apparently, she was. It took her a couple of moments of fighting herself, and Yaz was about to speak again to try to convince her to open up when she finally asked, her voice quiet and eyes avoiding Yaz’s: “Remember Ellen’s Garden?”
“Where we caught those criminals hiding from Judoon troops? Yeah, why?” But even as she asked, Yaz began to have a feeling why, a feeling that rested heavy in her stomach. Clara was right, she wasn’t going to like it.
“Well.” With a sigh, Clara dropped onto her back, loose hair spreading on the pillow like a dark halo around her head. Her gaze was on the ceiling, avoiding looking at her girlfriend. “Ever since then, I… I think about it a lot, you know. How little it took to hurt you so badly. How close we were to losing you, forever, and in a place that was supposed to be so safe and peaceful! I know you don’t want to be treated like a fragile piece of art, but… It scared me. It scared me I could lose you, in a blink of an eye, with no warning. It broke my heart, to imagine what we would find of you if the Master didn't get to you first. To imagine my time with you ending so abruptly… Your life, my fault.”
A tear fell from her eye, down her temple, and disappeared in her hair; Yaz watched it in silence, feeling as if her guts were punched once again. She understood where Clara was coming from; and she hated it nonetheless.
After a while, during which none of them moved, the still moment filled with nothing but their own thoughts, Yaz moved, crawling on the bed until her head was above Clara's, forcing her girlfriend to look at her. “What was the plan, then? To keep me in the golden cage the whole time I'm with you? Force me to stay in the TARDIS?”
“No!” Clara shook her head hard, then sighed. “The plan was to talk about it with you, explain my side and come up with something together. But I knew it would upset you, because we talked about it already and I promised not to treat you like you’re made of glass. So… I kept promising myself, next date I will talk to her about it, be open about how I feel. And the next time we met, I’d just chicken out and never touch the subject… And it kept happening, on each date, ever since that accident. The Master said he’d strangle me for keeping it so long if he were you, but I still couldn’t do it.”
“So you talked to the Master about it but not to me?”
“And why do you think he’d been showing up to our dates less recently? He’s trying to push my hand.” Clara groaned. “And besides, you have to admit, it’s much easier to talk about it with someone who isn’t directly involved.”
“Probably.” Yaz sighed with resignation. “Look, I won’t strangle you. It wouldn’t make sense anyway, and would possibly turn you on.” Clara considered it, then nodded; Yaz shook her head in disbelief; she was only beginning to discover the lengths of her girlfriend’s preferences and some still managed to surprise her. It wasn’t the time for this, though. “But I am upset that you didn’t just talk to me. It’s unfair to keep me in the dark like this, and just talking about it would be much easier than constantly worrying about my reaction and letting it eat you alive from the inside.” Now she felt like a giant hypocrite; she still didn’t tell the Doctor about who she was dating, despite her regularly asking about it; despite the Master making fun of her for that when Clara wasn’t in the earshot. Only Clara herself never touched on the topic and Yaz began to wonder if it wasn’t perhaps another source of pain for her. Because, from what Yaz gathered from Clara’s story, the Doctor wasn’t supposed to remember her, the memories taken for their own protection; of course, why would she be interested in hearing about the Doctor’s reaction to them dating when the Doctor would just blankly stare at the mention of her name?
That was also one of the reasons why Yaz didn’t have that talk yet, to be honest. Having to explain to the Doctor who Clara was seemed to be a painfully exhausting experience, and she didn’t feel too excited about the prospect of it.
Those thoughts, about the Doctor and keeping things secret, nudged at her mind until the next words forced themselves out of her mouth: “Don’t be secretive like this. I have enough of the Doctor keeping things away from me as it is.”
Which, again, was beginning to stink of hypocrisy.
“You’re right, of course.” Clara sighed. “And– I'm sorry about the Doctor. Sometimes I think that deep down, they do look down on us, just like the Master does openly, and that's why they act the way they do sometimes… Maybe it's getting to me too. Maybe it's coming with immortality, at some point of life. Sorry, I'm trying to avoid the subject. I'll stop.” Gently, she pushed Yaz, so they could both sit up, legs crossed and facing each other. “You’re absolutely right. I should've talked to you long ago. I'm sorry I didn't and I want to talk about it now… Hear your side. If you do want to talk, of course.”
“Why wouldn't I? I'm not upset enough to pout in silence.” Yaz offered her a light smile; Clara copied it, looking relieved. “I understand where you are coming from. I know, I'm just a human, so breakable–”
“There's nothing just about you, babe.” Clara assured her immediately. “I'm a human too– and truth be told, sometimes I think that perhaps being a mortal with an undecided moment of my end would be so much simpler. I know I could take my time with the choice of when to return but… It sounded suicidal, almost.”
“You can't choose anymore, though.” Yaz pointed out, raising an eyebrow.
“Yes– and it also means I cannot die. At all. My death has been decided, it's waiting for me on the other side of the river – and the bridge has fallen, and the water runs so wild, I can never have hope to reach it. I don’t even know what that means. Will I be able to watch the end of the time itself and see what happens next? Or will its end also rewrite my stillness? Will the rope I hang on to the second to last second of my life snap then and I can be free? Sometimes it’s tempting to discard my TARDIS, go and see it for myself. Which… Again, feels suicidal.” She reached out, took Yaz’s hand and gently pressed it, open flat, to her own, chilly chest. “Or… Sometimes I wonder, with the way my body is getting colder, so slowly but inexorably. What will happen when its temperature finally drops to absolute zero? Maybe that will make it still, finally, allowing the body on the trap street to finally move – allowing that one last second to pass.”
“Are you scared?” Yaz asked, quietly, her hand gently resting just above her girlfriend’s heart, still in-between two beats. She remembered the first time Clara put her hand here, to prove how still it was; she remembered how embarrassed she felt at the moment, touching the chest of a woman she just met. This time, she didn’t even blush at that touch. “About… The possibilities of what’s going to happen to you?”
“I’m scared of the unknown.” Clara whispered, gravely serious, like she rarely was. “It’ll be brutal, but… I don’t envy you the mortality on its own; I envy you the way you know how it’ll end some day, to a point. How will you die? Not even the Doctor knows. But you will, one day, that way or another.”
“Unless I happen to be pulled out of my timeline a second before my death. I heard that happens, sometimes, to the Doctor’s companions. One of the job hazards in this field, I guess.”
Clara laughed. “I’ll share with you my notes on immortality if that happens. Still… I don’t have that certainty that any normal – meaning, one that wasn’t their companion – human has. I don’t know if I’ll die, or… Whatever.”
“Do you… Resent the Master for destroying your way out?”
“Sometimes.” She answered immediately, like she thought about it often. “When I’m not rational with my own emotions. I mean… He had no idea, back then. We lost contact, then the Doctor forgot about me so couldn’t tell anything to Missy, then– well. Things happened between them.”
“They always do.” Yaz muttered and was surprised to hear a tone of jealousy in her voice.
“Infuriating, isn’t it? Anyway… He didn’t know, not until we met again and he came on board. So mostly, I don’t resent him. But sometimes… Sometimes, I can’t help it.” After that, Clara took a deep breath and shook her head. “You know, I feel like we strayed far away from the original subject.”
“I don’t think so, not really.” Finally, Yaz dropped her hand from Clara’s chest so they could hold hands instead. “We were talking about me getting hurt so it feels suiting to discuss your death as well. One that happened during travels like the ones we do, too. Look… I understand the worry. Which doesn’t mean it doesn’t frustrate me. I don’t want to be treated like someone weaker than you two. Yes, I could die back there, but it’s not like I wasn’t holding my ground for quite a while; I’m strong and clever enough to get myself out of at least some situations. And I love the thrill of the adventure. This is why I stayed with the Doctor when she gave us the choice to get back home. This is why I once again stayed when Graham and Ryan decided to leave. Danger, as scary as it sometimes may be, is part of the thrill; I’m sure you of all people understand that.”
“Oh, yeah.” Clara smiled, a little dreamily and a little sad; Yaz knew that she was now thinking back to her own adventures with her Doctors.
“Exactly. I don’t insist we keep running into danger all the time. That’s what I have with the Doctor and it’s both incredible and terrifying. What I ask is that we don’t avoid life just because there’s some risk to it. There’s a risk in going to work or taking a bus and yet no one avoids it just because there might be an accident.”
“This is a fair point.” She bit her lip; it wasn’t something she admitted easily, the worry still gnawing at her.
“I might have a compromise, though.”
At that, Clara frowned, a curiosity lighting up those beautiful big eyes; Yaz tried not to look directly into them, their darkness always seemed to pull her deep in like there was some sort of charm being put on her. It wasn’t the time to get lost in her girlfriend’s gorgeous eyes. “Okay, I’m all ears.”
“Get me a sonic, like the one you have, and a stun gun. Something that won’t harm anyone but will work at least on most of the species. With those two, even if I get stuck on my own, I will have the means to get myself out of trouble much easier without you two having to run to the rescue.”
“Oh!” Clara’s mouth opened in surprise and stayed parted for a moment, eyes widening very slightly. “Oh. Okay, honestly I didn’t think about it– it’s so obvious, why didn’t I– anyway, of course! It would be the easiest thing in the world to get you those, I can even arrange an actual gun for you, I mean, with your police training I believe you’d know how to use it right–”
“No, I don’t want that.” Yaz shook her head. “A stun gun will be sufficient enough. Something small I can carry on me easily.”
“Oh don’t worry about that, we will get infinite pockets to your jackets, you can carry a whole cannon in those. No, I’m not going to give you a cannon, don’t worry, I was just saying. Okay! I feel really silly, you know.” Clara laughed. “It didn’t even cross my stupid mind– oh, nevermind. You’re a genius, babe.” In a swift move, she leaned in to peck Yaz’s lips, then jumped out of the bed.
“Come on, it wasn’t that unthinkable of an idea…” Yaz watched with amusement then yelped when her hand was grabbed and she got pulled out of the bed too.
“Absolute genius, and I’m going to praise you all evening for that. Now come on, let’s ask the TARDIS to make you a custom sonic, something that’ll suit you the best.”
“Right now?”
“Why wait?” Clara smiled at her, gently. “You having more means to defend yourself and get out of risky situations won’t cancel my worries but it will certainly ease them. I promise that next date, we will go out somewhere– not the Hedgewick’s World though, somewhere fresh. We will try to aim for something peaceful but if we fail – I promise to try to be cool about it and not get overprotective.”
“That's all I ask for.” Yaz reached out to hug her, then added with a chuckle: “And for you to tell the Master it's solved so he can join us on that future trip.”
Clara groaned. “Oh God. You will confirm we solved it peacefully and you didn't yell at me for keeping secrets, right?”
“No promises. Now come on, someone promised me a custom sonic and I can't wait!”
They left the bedroom holding hands; Yaz hoped that this time the conversation stuck and Clara would really try to do better and have more trust in her abilities to keep herself safe. The time would tell, she supposed.
And if not…
“By the way, if it happens next time, I'm going to really yell at you. Right in front of the Master, so he can laugh at you.” She informed Clara, who winced at the idea.
“Yes, mum, I'll behave.”
Making jokes meant she wasn't really upset at Yaz for saying that; still, it landed home and made her cringe at the prosperity of being the target of the Master's jokes.
Good.
Perhaps embarrassment would finally help her see the reason.