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“It’s another cloudy day in Fair City,” the narrator narrated, “the type of weather we schedule for written versions of this city so it doesn’t mess with the lighting in the actual episodes. At the city jail, Dr. Two-Brains is in for a happy surprise…”
Or rather, a very confused surprise. “I’m… getting released already?”
Warden Chalmers shrugged. “Someone bailed you out.”
Dr. Two-Brains blinked. “We have that?” Most of the time he didn’t even actually go to trial, since most people who had acquired the label of “supervillain” were just sort of expected to be in jail half the time. The last time he’d actually been in a courtroom, D.A. Sally Botsford literally hadn’t said anything other than, “He’s Dr. Two-Brains,” so he wasn’t really surprised that due process had been chucked out the window to hang out with the show’s fourth wall. So when the pattern of commit crimes, battle WordGirl, go to jail, escape jail, commit more crimes, repeat was broken, he didn’t know how to respond.
Warden Chalmers shrugged again. “Maybe. Actually, I think it was more like… the mayor owes someone a favor and I’m being told to let you go.”
That really didn’t sound right, but seeing as the man talking had a diet mainly consisting of hats, Dr. Two-Brains was less surprised than he could have been. That was probably even less healthy than a diet mainly consisting of cheese.
“Well then,” Dr. Two-Brains said, shrugging and rubbing his hands together, already plotting how he’d next get his hands on some form of cheese. “Guess I’m out of—”
“Aren’t you forgetting something?” the narrator asked.
Dr. Two-Brains glanced at the ceiling. “Uh, no?”
“Boss?”
Behind him, Henchman 1 and Charlie were making puppy eyes at him.
“Oh, yeah,” Warden Chalmers said. “All three of you are out. The directions came from the mayor himself!”
Even though it was objectively in Dr. Two-Brains’ interest to take the blessing and go, the whole thing was too irregular for his scientist mind to not inquire about. “Are you sure the mayor called you and specifically told you to release me and my two henchmen?”
“Yes. And I know it was the mayor and not you pretending to be the mayor again, because you are right here. In fact,” he said, “if it was not the mayor on the other end of the phone, I’ll—”
“Can we change scenes before I have to watch him eat his hat?” Dr. Two-Brains asked the ceiling.
“Sure thing,” the narrator replied. “Later, back at Dr. Two-Brains’ evil lair, WordGirl anxiously awaits the evil scientist’s arrival, and Henchman 1 is still trapped in the body of Captain Huggy-Face…”
“I will admit,” Henchman 1 said, “there are some upsides to your monkey’s body. It seems like he can eat all the food he wants without even getting full! I just wish there was any kind of food around here that wasn’t cheese.”
“Does Dr. Two-Brains literally eat nothing else besides cheese?” WordGirl asked skeptically. “I mean, I could have sworn I caught him drinking orange juice once.” Though come to think of it, given the state of his voice and the nature of the advice he’d proceeded to give her, the mouse brain was probably less in charge at that moment. “And he used to love pastrami.”
“Well, he has crackers and bread,” Henchman 1 said, “mostly to go with the cheese.”
“You know, it is really disconcerting to hear your voice come out of my monkey,” WordGirl sighed. “I hope the three of them get back soon. I mean, at some point, a basically limitless pile of keys to the city has to gain me some kind of influence.”
Right on cue, the rolling steel door to the lair raised, and Dr. Two-Brains entered, followed by Charlie and Captain Huggy-Face in the body of Henchman 1. “Oh, hi W—WordGirl?!” Dr. Two-Brains did a double take, glancing around like he’d suddenly find evidence that he’d been doing something evil without realizing it. “What are you doing here?!”
“You have my monkey,” she said, even though that was so far from the heart of why she’d asked for his release that it wasn’t even funny.
“I what?”
Huggy screeched.
“Oh… yeah, in hindsight, that does explain… that,” Dr. Two-Brains admitted. “Uh, do you have the mind-exchange ray, or should I—”
WordGirl zipped away, and two seconds later, accompanied by a flash, she landed in front of him again, holding the mind-exchange ray. Henchman 1 and Huggy offered no resistance, obviously both eager to get their own brains back. WordGirl found the on-button and aimed the ray carefully. When the buzz of energy from the ray ceased, Captain Huggy-Face rubbed his head and slumped with relief, indicating the exchange worked.
“Now you can go to that concert you were worried about!” Henchman 1 said brightly, giving her a thumbs up.
WordGirl tilted her head. “I can… what?”
“I’m not gonna lie, WordGirl, I’m really confused right now,” Dr. Two-Brains admitted.
“You said hearing me talk as the monkey was dis…” Henchman 1 failed to reproduce the word he was thinking of, but WordGirl suddenly remembered what he was talking about.
“Oh! I said it was disconcerting. That just means it was unsettling. It made me a little uncomfortable to hear the voice of my archnemesis’ henchman coming from the body of my sidekick, so it was—”
“—Disconcerting.”
“Exactly! It has nothing to do with concerts.” WordGirl beamed the way she always did when she successfully taught someone a new word. Then another look over at Dr. Two-Brains reminded her of the real reason she’d requested his early release. “And… now I…” For the first time in her life (not counting the speech she really really hadn’t wanted to do), she couldn’t find the right words.
“So,” Dr. Two-Brains said slowly, like he was trying to put the pieces together in his mind and they weren’t making sense, “are you the one who got me un-jailed?”
“Rel—”
“I know the word,” he deadpanned.
Right. “Can we, uh… can we talk alone for a little bit?” WordGirl asked the henchmen and Huggy. “You guys can bond over… um… crackers?”
“You can eat the crackers, just don’t touch the cheese,” Dr. Two-Brains added as the henchmen skedaddled, followed by a reluctant Captain Huggy-Face.
After they were left alone, there were a few seconds of uncertain silence.
Then Dr. Two-Brains said, “So… you put me in jail, and then immediately got me back out again.”
“Technically, I didn’t put you in jail,” WordGirl pointed out. “I just didn’t stop the police from taking you.”
“And then…?” he prompted.
And then I actually had time to slow down and remember the events of the day as the adrenaline subsided. She wasn’t sure which aspect of that reflection she wanted to start with. She just knew there was something that needed to be said, and it was going to nag at her emotionally until she did.
“Never thought I’d see you at loss for words,” he commented. “Why don’t you sit down? I can get you some cheese, if you’d like.”
“Nah, keep your cheese,” WordGirl said, though she took his offer to sit on his couch, where he shortly joined her. “The longer it lasts you, the longer it’ll take for you to need to steal more.”
Need, because…
“So, wanna tell me why you bailed me out?”
Okay, WordGirl. Time to find the words. Which should not be hard. You are literally from planet Lexicon. “I guess I felt like I owed you.”
“You owed me?” he asked, sounding perplexed.
“Oh, well, if you owe someone something—”
“Okay, let me re-emphasize,” he interrupted. “You owed me?”
“Well… yeah.” At least that part felt obvious. “You didn’t have to take care of the city during the mix-up, while I was in your body in jail. You could have used my powers to ruin the entire city, or turn it permanently into cheese. But you didn’t. You captured the Energy Monster and got Tobey re-grounded and…” She took a deep breath. “And then you saved the city from me. Because I was trying to make the city into…” she tried to recall her exact wording. “A permanent cheesy paradise?”
“Not you,” Dr. Two-Brains said, shaking his head. “That was all Squeaky.”
WordGirl hadn’t heard him refer to his second brain by the mouse’s actual name in a long time. She’d almost forgotten it. “Yeah. Being in your shoes—or, brain, I guess—really made me understand that. Because it wasn’t really Dr. Two-Brains who switched minds with me, was it?”
Dr. Two-Brains didn’t say anything to that, but pointedly didn’t look at her, which WordGirl took as a sign that he knew where she was going with this. “Two-Brains has two brains, but we only switched one brain. It was Dr. Boxleitner who took over my body yesterday.”
That was another name neither of them had said in a really long time.
“Have you forgotten what it means to be a hero?” he’d asked her while she tried in vain to fight against the influence of the mouse brain and its insatiable craving for cheese and affinity for atrocities. If that was what addiction felt like, maybe the health class videos weren’t all that overdramatic.
And when she’d managed to fight back long enough to free him, he’d congratulated her. “You did it!” he’d exclaimed, like he’d never been more proud of her.
She used to love making Dr. Boxleitner proud. Apparently, she still loved it, maybe more than ever.
Dr. Two-Brains shrugged. “I guess.” He fiddled with the fingers on his gloves.
“Look, I know Professor Tubing asked you a long time ago if you wanted him to help you get rid of the mouse brain, and you said no. But that’s not… really you. I get it, now. When you have the mouse brain on your head, you don’t want to be helped. But—”
“Don’t go there, WordGirl,” Dr. Two-Brains grimaced, patting the small brain on the side of his head as though to soothe it. “This is just the way things are. I don’t mind it.”
“Yes you do,” she said confidently. “I know that because you minded it when you were finally separated from it for the first time in forever. And I know that because I remember what it was like to have it attached to me.”
He was silent, and she grimaced when she realized there probably wasn’t a lot he could say to that as the professor that Squeaky wouldn’t immediately reject harshly and painfully.
“There’s got to be a way to create something that would reverse what happened in the lab that day,” she said. “And if anyone can make it… well, you’re the most brilliant scientist I know.”
The narrator chose this moment to chime in with, “Meanwhile, in the—”
“Hang on,” WordGirl said, waving her hands, “don’t change scenes. We’re having an important moment.”
“Relax, I’ll come back soon,” he promised. “I just want to show the readers what your sidekicks are up to.” Before she could protest again, he finished saying, “Meanwhile, in the other room,” successfully changing the scene.
“You know, Charlie,” Henchman 1 said, “the monkey’s not half bad at singing. I just wish this karaoke machine had more songs. I mean, we have WordGirl’s theme song and some song in French that sometimes sounds like it’s saying ‘miraculous,’ but I don’t know French, and singing about how powerful our boss’s archnemesis is is only fun for…” he paused. “Well, I’m not bored of it yet, so I guess we’ll have to keep going and find out!”
“Meanwhile, Dr. Two-Brains and WordGirl are in the middle of a highly sentimental, very impactful, emotional conversation,” the narrator said as he switched the scenes back.
“I’m being practical, not sentimental,” WordGirl said, glaring at the ceiling.
“Uh-huh,” the narrator replied, unconvinced and amused. “Want to define sentimental?”
Unable to resist, WordGirl immediately smiled. “Sure. Sentimental means impacted by tender or nostalgic feelings, kind of like…” she slumped. “Kind of like me remembering what Dr. Boxleitner was like before he became Dr. Two-Brains and implying that I want our friendship back. Okay, fine, maybe I’m being sentimental. But I’m also being practical.”
“Never said you weren’t,” the narrator said.
“Whatever.” WordGirl turned back to Dr. Two-Brains. “So… I’m guessing you can’t build a get-rid-of-the-mouse-brain ray without Squeaky giving you a massive migraine?”
He sighed. “Yeah. Trust me, I tried. Right after the mishap in the lab, I used to argue with the mouse brain as much as I could, but it just gave me a massive headache. So then I tried figuring out how to create a Holy Cow, DEFINITELY Press This Button button—”
“Are you ever going to explain why you had a Holy Cow, Don’t Press This Button button right outside your vicious lab mouse’s cage to begin with?”
“—but every time I tried, I got an even worse headache, so I just decided that if cheese would make it stop nagging me, I’d give it cheese. And over time I’ve sort of forgotten how to have any other personality. I don’t even do other research anymore. It’s like nowadays I’m more evil mouse than neuroscientist. The mouse lets me invent things, but definitely doesn’t let me do non-cheese related lab experiments or publish articles and books like I used to.”
“You clearly want to do those things again,” WordGirl said tentatively. She had a feeling that moment of reflection was something he needed, whether or not he’d realized it. “What if I asked Professor Tubing if he’d help come up with a way of reversing whatever it is you did to yourself? Or I could handcuff you to the table and we could switch minds again, and I can snack on cheese while you use my superspeed to—”
“Nope,” he said immediately. “I’m not subjecting you to that again.”
“Subjecting,” she noted. “Meaning forcing someone under something else’s control, usually with a negative connotation. Interesting word choice for someone who theoretically doesn’t want me to look into finding a solution.”
Dr. Two-Brains grimaced. “I mean, fine, but let’s say you succeeded, which I obviously don’t want you to do,” he said pointedly, glaring not at her but at the left side of his head. “A professor who spent multiple years repeatedly committing crimes, trying to destroy a city or turn it into cheese, occasionally threatening the life of a ten-year-old—”
“—I’m almost twelve and I’ve never been scared you were actually going to kill me—”
“—and rotating in and out of the city jail doesn’t get to just go back to being a professor. My peers in the field aren’t going to just be like, oh, cool new research by Steven Boxleitner! Let’s assign that for class next week!”
“I don’t know. Years of personal experience with an evil mouse brain attached to your head feels like something your fellow neuroscientists would be very interested in reading about, even if you can’t strictly say you followed the scientific method.”
“Maybe.” He still looked uncertain, but he wasn’t going to ever be certain. Not when more than half his conscience was being operated by a brain that had a vested interest in maintaining its control over the scientist.
“I’ll look into it on my own, okay? I’ll talk to Dr. Tubing. I might even talk to Tobey,” she admitted, loathing the concept but recognizing he was the only other highly intelligent scientifically-minded person she knew. “But until then… consider this a gesture of gratitude. I don’t think you deserve to be in jail right now. Not right after you saved the day. From me.”
“Oh, it’s nothing,” he said modestly.
“You don’t have to—”
“No really, it’s nothing. It’s not like one heroic action means more than years of unrepentant villainy. Which isn’t over, by the way, in case this conversation gave you any ideas,” he warned.
She didn’t respond to that part. Instead she said, “The heroism actually does mean more to me than the years of villainy. It means more to me because it was actually you. Or, well… my old mentor and friend.” She rose from his couch, floating a few feet above the ground. “Thanks, Doc. I still owe you, and I do have an idea for how I might fix that.”
She kept her wording vague so he’d have the opportunity to respond as himself without the mouse brain headache. Dr. Two-Brains smiled hesitantly. “I’m sure whatever it is, it’s a marvelous idea.”
“Oh, right, that was supposed to be the featured word and we didn’t use it yet,” she realized. “Mind if I…?”
“Yeah, go ahead.”
“Marvelous means extremely good, or wonderful.” She looked toward the audience of readers. “When Dr. Two-Brains tells me he thinks I have a marvelous idea, he’s saying he thinks he’ll really, really appreciate it.” She looked back over at her old friend. “And if we’re on the same page… I’m going to really appreciate it too.”
“And so,” the narrator began to close out as WordGirl zipped away in a flash of light, quickly stooping to pick up Captain Huggy-Face in the middle of a karaoke run, “WordGirl successfully had a… conversation…”
“You really don’t have to close this out like an episode,” WordGirl said with a frown as she flew through the sky. “I didn’t even battle anyone.”
“I have a special way of closing out fanfictions, but I lost my script earlier when I was trying to find the French lyrics to that song Henchman 1 mentioned.”
“Did you find them?”
“I did, but I don’t speak French.”
WordGirl brightened. “I do! I can tell you what—”
“In a later fanfiction,” the narrator interrupted. “This one is ending. Join us next time for another exciting, possibly crossover-enhanced, episode of—”
“Fanfiction.”
“Fanfiction of WordGirl!”