Chapter Text
(Pepe's Pov)
Three races with consecutive DNF would be a downer for anyone…
For Dan?
It was.
The first time it happened was at Sao Paulo, I had a massive crash and it wasn't a good preview for a rookie.
He crashed before me so when I entered the garage he immediately came towards me and asked if I was okay and such.
On my second race I already had points
Dan? DNF again.
The same on the third.
And it worried me in a manner I could never admit publicly.
His sarcasm disappeared, his attitude seemed forced.
And oh my God he was getting absolutely eaten up by the social media.
Hate, passive-aggressive comments, and so many nicknames I didn't even know someone could be called.
Every time Dan had a phone screen nearby I could see the look of distress on his face.
And it hurt.
What did this British man even do?
…
Dan didn't show for the media filming day after Miami’s race.
That wasn't normal, he showed up late most of the time but…
What was happening.
I managed to find his hotel room after the team told me to go check on him.
With the door not even being locked I could make myself an idea, a scary idea of whatever happened.
…
When I walked in the silence was so oppressive my breath hitched.
I walked to the living room and then the smell of alcohol filled my nose.
Dan was sitting on the couch, a beer can in his hands and at least 10 of those on the floor.
… Was he an alcoholic…? I mean, he always made “jokes” about getting drunk and drinking until fainting…
He didn't seem to see I was standing there until I spoke.
(Third person)
—Dan…? —Pepe mumbled, noticing how Dan turned around as if he was yelled at.
—Pepe… Y-you weren't… —he hiccupped— supposed to see me… like this… —he slurred, standing up and stumbling.
Not even five minutes later and Martí was already scared of what Dan was saying, his drunk appearance and his dead looking eyes.
(DAN'S POV)
Pepe was never supposed to see me like this, he never had to see me weak.
Why the fuck do they gave him my hotel room and why did I never locked the door?
I'm so fucking ashamed and disgusted of myself I could just throw myself out of the window.
And yet the hand keeps raising to my mouth and I keep drinking.
I can't control it, nor this fucking addiction.
(Third person)
Before Pepe could even say anything Dan spoke up.
—What, hadn't you ever seen an alcoholic, Josep? —He kept on slurring, trying to get a bit closer— go away, and tell everyone I'm fine… fine with drinking my career away…- —He laughed at his stupid joke, hiccuping in between it.
Pepe tried to get closer, Dan pushed him away weakly.
—Don’t come near me… I'll probably just puke everything… that would be gross and I don't have spare clothes… —he started with— just go away… I'll be fine…
Yet, Pepe kept on insisting.
—Dan, you're not okay, take medicine or something, please.
—Last time I took medicine it almost ended in an overdose… —he suddenly mumbled, quickly shutting up.— You didn't hear anything. Go away, now.
—Dan…-
—Go away, Josep!! Leave me alone with my fucking- —A hiccup— with my fucking misery!! LEAVE ME ALONE AND TELL THE TEAM I'M NOT COMING OUT OF THIS LIVING ROOM TODAY.
—Dan what the fuck are you on about!? Are you high!?
—I'M JUST DRUNK AND I DO NOT NEED YOUR PITY, AND I DON'T NEED YOU OR ANYBODY ELSE!! GO. THE FUCK. AWAY.
Dan could seriously go on a rant now, Pepe, more confused than with answers, just left, holding in the tears.
(Dan's pov)
There it is. He left, just like everyone else.
What did I even do to be an alcoholic, why is everything my fault.
Why the fuck i'm such a disappointment for everyone.
When did everything go wrong?
I swore I would go on recovery, and yet yesterday I spent almost 50 dollars on beer.
Something is wrong with me, and I don't do anything about it.
I just have this intoxicating liquid and nobody else.
Because I've pushed everyone away.
and also this 20 year old man that I met almost 3 months ago.
(Third person)
Pepe was back in his hotel room, actually not so far away from Dan's one, he was thinking about what to do with it, thinking, crying, frowning.
He made a decision 2 hours later.
He would go to that department, he would go whenever Dan was.
And he would take care of him, whenever Dan liked it or not.
He stood up, packed up some towels and medicine he somehow managed to find and he made his way there.
(Pepe’s pov)
Knowing this door was unlocked at first weirded me out, later, it relieved me.
It was still unlocked.
I took five steps like I did 2 hours ago.
But this time…
Dan was not on the couch, nor the floor.
—Dan? —I mumbled, checking in—
Nowhere to be found.
Yet… there's a place I didn't check.
His bedroom.
Once outside, it was closed.
—Dan? —I knocked in.— Dan, it 's me, Pepe.
No answer.
Weird.
—Daniel. —I called out, maybe that would make him notice.— Daniel, open the door.
Nothing.
Well, I don't have another choice.
I gently open the door.
—Dan, are you-...
…
Oh.
Oh…
Dan was lying in his bed, under the blankets.
But that relieved me the most, it wasn't what I expected.
And it calmed me down that much I feel even wrong for thinking Dan would do… that.
(Dan's Pov)
Why is he here again?
I don't want to see anyone, I'm still drunk and I'm feeling like shit because of the hangover.
I would just sleep now, but I don't even feel like sleeping.
And I don't feel like existing anymore.
Pepe approached, he drew the curtains, the sunlight burning my eyes.
—Fuck… —I mumbled, covering my eyes with the blanket— Don't do that, please.
He didn't fully draw them, thank God, it still was annoying though.
He opened that small bag and took out pills, not the whole jar, he didn't bring a whole jar.
He just brought a small box with 3 pills.
And he went to the bathroom with a towel he also brought, wet it and passed it around my face.
—What are you doing? —I kept slurring, feeling the coldness of the towel.
—Cleaning your face, what else? —Pepe answered back, now the towel was on my cheek.
I definitely did not blush.
But it felt so… weird…
To be taken care of.
He made me sit up, handed me pill after pill and a bottle of water I think he had from before.
And he made me swallow them.
After that, he made me lay down again, like I was before, he sat at the edge of the bed
—I’m not making you affront this day up, not like this. —He started, taking out his phone.— I'll tell them you're sick, I left you some medicine and that's why you won't show up. Today I will take care of you, it's the bare minimum I can do for you.
…
No one ever did something like this for me.
I swore I could have cried, but I guess I was too tired for that too.
—Thanks… —I only managed to get out.
Pepe was surprised, but he also smiled, that fucking smile I think I'm starting to love.
—Don’t worry, I'll prepare something for you.
Then, he stood up and left.
5 minutes later I heard movement from the kitchen.
What an idiot.
I guess I'm starting to love him.
(Third person)
Pepe didn't take long enough to make something for Dan to eat.
The hard thing was finding something TO eat.
Pepe almost had to go back to his apartment and return just to get something.
Fortunately, he found a soup, nothing too heavy for a hungover stomach.
Twenty minutes later Dan was sitting up in his bed, a tray with a bowl of soup in his lap.
His hands were so shaky that when he tried to feed himself the soup fell and burned him.
Pepe was near, but Dan wouldn't lose his dignity in being feeded by someone like some sort of toddler.
Well. Destiny had other plans.
—Dan? —Pepe spoke— you've been insulting something or someone for ten minutes straight, are you okay?
—I am!! —Dan yelled back almost immediately.
Too quick, too fast.
Pepe walked in.
(Pepe's pov)
Dan was an absolute mess.
Probably half of the soup was on the tray, the other bit still in the bowl.
—Daniel…- —I said, softly, sitting on the bed like I did some time ago— Please just let me feed you. You can't, your hands are too shaky.
—No —He answered back.— That's so pathetic, I don't need you, I don't need other people.
—Dan, please.
The discussion took about 10 minutes until Dan finally let me feed him.
He didn't look at me at any moment, he just opened his mouth and swallowed.
The only moment he did look at me, his eyes were glassy, teary and angry at the same time.
Did this ashamed him so much…?
As soon as he finished, he lay down again, now not even looking at me, but I could see the tears in his eyes.
—Real men don't need other people… and real men suck it in, you know…? —Dan murmured I almost couldn't hear him— They don't flinch or bleed in public… I guess I'm a real man. (Yes this is a Mitski reference)
—What’s a real man to you, Dan? —I finally asked.
Silence.
For probably 5 whole minutes.
He never looked at me, but I did, and he looked so... annoyed? Sad?
(Third person)
—I'm going to the bathroom. —The British man spoke out, standing up and staggering a little.
—You didn't answer my question. —Pepe also stood up, trying to get closer, but not threateningly, just… confused— Dan, please-
—I said that I'm going to the bathroom!! —He pushed Pepe, the drunkenness making it unsteady and with more force than necessary.
Pepe didn't fall, but he did let out a gasp as he took a step back.
Dan took that moment and walked away as fast as he could to the bathroom.
Pepe didn't follow.
(Dan's pov)
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
I'm such an idiot.
Why did I do that.
He's going to go away, he will leave, I always ruin everything.
I closed the door and I slid down to the bathroom floor.
My chest is hammering, my head hurts so much.
I want it to go away, I want everyone to go away.
I need them to.
Please, someone…—
—Daniel?
…
That man Pepe is never going away, doesn't he..?
—The fuck do you want…? —I tried to scare him off.
Silence, for a second, it seems like he went away.
But no.
—Can I enter? —he said, muffled.
I could just say no, I could stay silent with the door locked.
Yet, my hand slid up to the latch.
—Enter, I guess you want to see a broken man…
He did.
He did enter.
Sat down in front of me, he didn't speak.
—You never answered my–
—I don't want to. —I didn't let him finish, I didn't even look at him.
Though I felt his eyes burning my face.
—Dan. —He started again.— I'm not stopping, you know it, just give me an answer or tell me what the heck you're on, what you're feeling.
This man isn't giving up. Ugh.
—Pepe…–
—DANIEL!! —he suddenly yelled, I looked up because what the fuck… He never was like this.
—Daniel, please, you're driving me crazy. —He grabbed my hands— just tell me, are you ok? Are you hurt? Are you desperate? Are you…–?
…
That was the moment when I told him every single thing.
Probably the worst thing I've ever done.
Or well, it would be it if he just told me that it wasn't so much and that I'm exaggerating.
But…
(Pepe's pov)
Holy fuck.
Truly, I don't even know how this man could endure so much.
...
My arms wrapped around his back and I pulled him towards me before I could think anything.
I could feel his breathing, how it suddenly stopped and how he tensed up.
—Dan… Holy shit, Dan…
(Third person)
Both men were there, on the floor, one holding what was barely sane from the other.
Then, the British laughed.
—Why can’t it just be like it’s always been? —He said, with a laugh again— This is all my fault, Pepe. If I didn’t get so weak and accidentally express my feelings like now… Then you wouldn’t have been worried about me at all.
—Dan…-
—You wouldn’t have even been thinking about me right now… Just about your points in Miami and as a rookie.
—Dan…!
—But this is just my punishment or whatever they call them, isn’t it? —a sad smile— I’m getting “punished” for being so selfish, so immature and risky in all these years. I think that’s why the world decided to have you come over today, my rookie teammate who has done so much in his first year. The world just wants to torture me, doesn't it? —He finished.
—Dan what the hell!? —Pepe grabbed him by his shoulders, then his face, forcing him to look into his eyes— are you listening to whatever you're saying!? This is worrying, just tell me whatever is happening to you!!
Silence.
—Hah… Hahaha… You don't get it, Pepe, you don't care.
—I care, Dan. —He said as he pulled the British tighter to him.
—You don’t understand at all, Josep. —he mumbled again.— Why do you think I didn’t tell you? If I did, you would focus on me instead, instead of in your performance… You don't understand my feelings, not at all.
—You're right, Dan, but just tell me what I need to know so I can help you through…–
—Do you still want to help me? I just showed you how horrible I am. And you still want to help me…? You're the most persistent person I've ever met.
—And I'll keep being persistent if it's what I have to do to be close to you, because I care more than you could ever imagine, never underestimate it.
…
—No… —Dan started to sob.— Don't do this to me, Pepe… Don't do this, please.
—If you keep saying you're selfish, you have to let me be selfish with you to understand each other, because I want to help you. I must do it. Tell me what to do to keep you away from those thoughts. —Pepe felt the tremors of Dan as he hugged him even closer.
—I'm so scared, Pepe. —A sob— I'm so scared it hurts… I don't want to let anyone near me because I know eventually they'll see this, I know they'll care… And care is the thing I almost never got in my life… The only time I don't feel anything is when I'm racing, when I'm drinking, when I'm in pain… But… Your hugs… —Dan wiped away some tears, before hiding his face in Pepe's neck.— Your hugs are so warm… That I feel even better than when I get drunk and just pass out…—
Pepe had to hold back his tears too, he never expected this.
—Go ahead. —Pepe suddenly said.— Cry, let out everything, I'm here, Daniel, and I'm not going away.
…
Dan finally let himself go, finally hugged Pepe back.
And let his emotions get him, not as surrender, but as relief.
That someone would be here for him when he started to cry and when he finished.
That's what he always needed.
—Now you're stuck with me. —Pepe mumbled out as a joke.
—I’m so glad I am… —Dan mumbled out.