Work Text:
Scar tissue that I wish you saw
Sarcastic Mister Know-It-All
Everyone had their bad days.
Bob's were far more than he'd ever cared to admit, but that didn't mean the others were somehow better off than him.
Bucky was the one who hid them the best, but everyone knew he still had nightmares pretty much every night.
He'd just gotten awfully good at hiding them.
Ava's were more specific to her condition, days spent in bed where her bones hurt too much to even stand and she couldn't even steady herself in her suit.
Yelena and Alexei seem to be doing better, but everyone knew there was a particular day of the year when they both regressed in all the progress they'd made.
Alexei always isolated himself in his room on the anniversary of Natasha's death. The guilt and shame made him terribly depressed, which was unusual for someone who was usually so cheerful.
Yelena was even worse. Bob and Ava had to physically babysit her the entire day before, on the anniversary of Natasha's death, and the day after.
Then, as if nothing had happened, Yelena would put a smile back on her face and everything would return to normal.
John mostly expressed his problems through sudden outbursts of anger.
In the early days they had caused too many problems, at least until Bob and Yelena learned to recognize the signs.
They would cling to him in a single group hug, and it seemed as if whatever was bothering John disappeared like a soap bubble.
It was weird to see him depressed, however.
He would go from expressing whatever was on his mind to complete apathy. He and Bob had already been together for six months when Olivia warned him.
"It's the anniversary of Lemar's death in a few months," she told him. "Just to prepare you for the worst."
He'd seen him depressed before, but he was still mentally preparing for the worst.
First, he began to respond rudely to everything Bucky said.
Bob knew that, deep down, he still felt responsible and that, at least in a small way, he blamed Bucky as well.
Then he began to isolate himself, not responding even to the stupidest jokes from Lena or Ava.
When Bob woke up late as usual that morning and saw that John was still in bed with him, and not out on his usual morning run around the neighborhood, he already knew the worst was coming.
Moreover, he wasn't cuddled up to him like always.
Bob woke up on his side of the bed and the first thing he saw was John's back.
He was completely turned toward the wall and ignoring him. Bob had expected sobs, or even silent tears.
When he saw the little pop-up on his phone reminding him of the date and rested his chin on John's shoulder, John was staring helplessly at the wall, not moving a single muscle.
"Good morning, honey," Bob said, kissing his shoulder.
"Morning," was all John said.
He held onto him for a few minutes, his arms wrapped around John's stomach and his nose buried in his neck.
"Let go of me, please," John said, sighing.
“I’m sorry,” Bob said. “I’m giving you…”
“I hurt everyone who loves me,” John said, without even looking at him. “We’ll have to break up. I don’t want to hurt you.”
“Oh, that’s never gonna happen, Big Guy,” Bob said, kissing his shoulder again. “Let me talk, okay? Olivia’s prepared me well. I know, it’s a tough day. But I’m here for you. If you want to stay in bed all day, we’ll stay in bed all day.”
“You don’t have to do all this for me,” John said.
“It’s not a problem,” Bob said. “You always take care of me when I’m sick. Let me do the same for you.”
John took his hand and kissed the knuckles. He squeezed it tightly, holding it close to his chest.
“I don't deserve you,” he said. “I love you so much.”
“I love you too, baby.”
He began to sob, finally turning to him. He had never seen John cry like this.
Bob kissed both his cheeks, then rested his forehead against his.
“I don't deserve you,” John said again. “You're too good to me, you're the best thing in my life. I love you so much it hurts my heart, I don't deserve something so beautiful after what I've done.”
“I don't blame you for what you did,” Bob said, sighing. “And you've done so many good things since then. John, you're an avenger. You save people for a living now. You're back in your son's life, and so many kids look up to you now.”
“That's not true,” John said. “No one does that.”
“I do,” Bob said, shrugging slightly. “For what it's worth, I'm proud of you. I'm proud that someone so special loves me so much it makes his heart hurt, even if we might have to see a cardiologist, honey.”
He finally managed to get a smile out of John.
“It's an honor to be your partner, and I haven't had the pleasure of meeting Lemar, but I'm sure he's proud of you, too.”
“You would have been best friends and made my life miserable if you had,” John said, with a small smile.
Bob finally managed to leave the bed only after promising John he'd return with a bowl of cereal for both of them, the best he could manage without John.
When he reached the kitchen, the girls were already eating.
“Good morning, Bobert,” Lena said. “What happened to Walker, and why didn't I wake up to the smell of pancakes?”
“It's not a good day for John,” Bob said, opening the refrigerator door.
“What the hell would confine a super soldier to bed?” Ava asked. “They can't get sick.”
“He's not sick,” Bob said. “At least not physically. He's a little depressed, but that's understandable.”
“Depressed?” Lena said, “Oh, that’s my territory.”
“Walker’s never depressed,” Ava said. “He’s too much of an asshole, sarcastic mister know-it-all ,to have any kind of weakness.”
“Not today, Ava,” Bob said. “It’s that day, if you know what I mean. Leave him alone and let me work. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him like that.”
“What day?” Ava asked, confused.
“Lemar’s death anniversary,” Bob said. “Behave, at least for today.”
He took the cereal box, two bowls, two spoons, and the milk bottle and went back to their room.
“Wait for us,” Lena said, standing up.
She pulled Ava up with her by the sleeve of her pajamas, their nearly empty cereal bowls with them.
When they returned to their room, John was where he’d left him.
Bob was quite tall but John was still taller and bigger than him, in every way.
In the middle of the bed, curled up as he was, he looked so much smaller.
He sat up as soon as the girls came in, wiping his cheeks.
“Good morning, sleepyhead,” Lena said, jumping onto the bed.
“Bob told us it wasn't a good day for you,” Ava said, stroking his bearded cheek.
“And since you weren't in the kitchen making pancakes, we brought breakfast to you,” Lena said. “Technically,it's my second bowl, but I'll make an exception for you.”
“You don't have to do all this,” John said.
“I swear, they followed me of their own free will,” Bob said, pouring them a bowl.
“If there’s one thing you’ve taught me when it’s my turn to be miserable over someone’s death, it’s that you don’t have to go through this alone, John,” Lena said.
“We’re family, even if we’re unbearable sometimes,” Ava said.
“We love you.”
“I don’t think I deserve this, though,” John said.
“Hey, none of that,” Lena said. “Who baked me my favorite cake to celebrate when I came home with my six-month sobriety medal? You.”
“And who brings me food in bed when I can’t move? Always you,” Ava said.
“Let us take aggressivly care of you for once,” Lena said, smiling.
“You’re not alone anymore,” Bob said, kissing his forehead.
And for once, John believed him.