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Justin daydreamed during class, though he knew he shouldn’t have been. There was an exam at the end of the week that he’d yet to study for, but he couldn’t seem to pay attention, not when he had more pressing matters to attend to.
For the past few weeks Justin had been gathering up the courage to confess his feelings to Andrew.
There were plenty of reasons why it was a bad idea. For one, Justin wasn’t very sure that Andrew actually liked boys, at least, not in the way that Justin did. There were a few indications that he did, and he certainly never said anything rude to Justin about the manner. Another reason was that he didn’t want to ruin the friendship that he and Andrew had.
They’d been friends for years, that wasn’t something Justin simply wanted to toss away. He couldn’t imagine what it would be like to lose Andrew. Carving out his place at Grange Hill had been near impossible, it wasn’t even until he met Andrew that he felt like he was being put on the right path.
Justin twirled his pencil between his fingers, chin resting in his hand. If he really was going to confess his feelings to Andrew, then he had to go about it the right way. He couldn’t be stupid about it, nor could he be too blasé – Andrew deserved better than that. What were the sorts of things that boys did when they asked people out?
A small pout formed on Justin’s lips. Andrew wasn’t a girl though, so he wasn’t too sure that the same tactics that worked on them would work on Andrew. He couldn’t exactly ask one of the boys in his class for advice.
Well, if he couldn’t ask the boys, he could ask the girls – they would have more experience when it came to confessing to boys. Justin’s brow furrowed. He’d have to be careful in his questions though since this was a secret – a poorly kept one though – that he’d like to keep. Now there was just a question as to which girl he was going to ask. Maybe he should–
“Bennett, would you like to tell me what’s so much more interesting than my lecture?”
Justin jumped in his seat as dozens of eyes turned to look at him. His cheeks grew flush at getting called out in front of everyone. He ducked his head. “Nothing, Sir.”
“Very well then. Let’s continue, and do try to pay attention.” The scrape of chalk on the board continued, and Justin began to take notes.
It wasn’t long until he started doodling and making little notes of the idea he had to confess to Andrew. He kept his shoulders hunched, boxing himself in, since Andrew sat right behind him. It was rather daring to be partaking in such activities so close to the very person he was trying to hide them from.
The rest of the class period passed quickly as Justin stayed stuck in his own mind. There was a tap on his shoulder. “What’s got you so focused?”
Justin scrambled to cover his notes as Andrew gave him a confused look. “Nothing, just, thinking about this week’s exam.”
Andrew shook his head. “You’ll do great just like you always do.”
A pang rang through Justin’s chest. Sometimes, most of the time really, it seemed that Andrew didn’t have the faintest idea what he was doing. Justin didn’t understand how he could be so smart yet stupid at the same time – it was honestly impressive.
“Are you going home for lunch?”
Justin stood from his desk. “I was planning to. Would you want to come along?” The question jumped from his mouth before he could stop it. Inviting Andrew along to lunch? That was a terrible idea. Taking the question back was out of the question though. He would look like a fool and a bad friend if he were to do that. Justin gripped his back and chewed his lip as Andrew thought over the options.
“If it wouldn’t be an imposition.”
Justin smiled as he pushed in his seat. “It never is.” He didn’t think there was ever a time that Andrew being there was something bad, sure there were a few times when he was annoyed at the other and it was a little awkward, but never bad. Andrew didn’t have it in him to be a bad person.
Justin took a breath as he prepared himself for the walk back to his house and then the hour or so that he would spend with Andrew. That was an awfully long time to be alone with the other. Sure, they’d spent plenty of time alone together in the past – whole afternoons more than once – but it felt different now that Justin was really trying to figure out how to confess to the other boy.
Every little touch was over analyzed, every word, even the length of time Andrew looked at him for. Each moment Justin was trying to find confirmation that the other returned his feelings, or the crushing realization that he didn’t.
Justin tried not to think too much about the latter, but he still kept it in the back of his mind just in case. It was better to be prepared for the worst than to be caught completely off guard.
He listened to Andrew talk about the latest school play that he’d unsurprisingly got a rather good role for – Curly in Oklahoma!. Justin didn’t have the faintest idea what the show was actually about, nor did he find it all that compelling, but he loved hearing Andrew speak about it because the boy could make even the most mundane topics sound lovely. The passion in his voice was infectious.
Justin found himself being swept up in Andrew monologuing, so much so that he’d almost missed the turn down his street.
Andrew nudged his arm. “Are you sure you aren’t coming down with something?”
“Just a bit tired today I guess.” There were only so many times that would work, but for now it was enough. Andrew let the question go, and Justin was able to lie his way through the afternoon. Everything was fine.
***
Justin decided to talk to Trisha. He didn’t know if that was really the best option, but she had that thing with Simon a few years prior so if there was anyone with experience he guessed it would be her.
He stopped her before lunch. “Trisha?”
“What is it?” Her friends also turned to look at him.
Justin’s hands got clammy. “Could I talk to you alone for a moment?”
Trisha rolled her eyes. “Fine, but it better not be for long.” She said a few words to her friends that Justin didn’t catch because he was already rethinking his decision.
Maybe he should have just done everything himself. He’d seen romance films before, perhaps it was better to take something out of their book. His feet moved without his brain though until he found a secluded space to talk.
“If you’re about to pull some mess like Simon did, you better rethink your choices, Bennett.”
Justin pulled a face. “I wouldn’t.”
Trisha crossed her arms. “Then what is this about then?”
Justin pressed his back against the wall until his spine ached. “You know a thing or two about relationships, right?”
Trisha was quiet for a moment, pensive. “Is there a girl you’re keen on?”
“Something like that.” It would have been much easier to be pining over a girl, at least then he wouldn’t have to hide it so much.
“You’re planning on telling her.” There wasn’t a single question about that.
Justin nodded, not trusting his voice. Part of him wanted to correct Trisha, to tell her that there was no girl – it was Andrew and always had been. But he couldn’t exactly do that. Instead he listened to what the girl had to say and mentally marked it all down, trying to figure out which techniques would work on Andrew.
This needed to be perfect, Justin thought as he listened. Andrew deserved all that and more.
***
Justin’s parents were going to be out for the night, and he thought that was the perfect time to invite Andrew over. He couldn’t profess his feelings to the boy in public – there was always the chance that someone could hear and that was exactly what he didn’t want. Doing it at his own house was more than a little stressful still, especially if things went poorly, but it was the best thing that Justin could come up with.
He’d gone out and picked up Andrew’s favourite takeaway to put him in a good mood – and to show that he was the kind of person that listened. Justin knew that was rather important for relationships. He practically gave Andrew free reign over how they would spend the evening too.
As they sat on the sofa together, twin takeaway boxes in hand, Andrew gave him a look. “Are you planning something?”
Justin nearly dropped his fork. “What would I be planning?” He found it was hard to swallow. A lump formed in his throat.
Andrew’s eyes on him were piercing. “You’re awfully relenting tonight.”
“Maybe I just want you to have a good time.”
Andrew shook his head as he placed his container down on the coffee table. “No, it’s more than that. Something’s up. So, what is it?”
Doing his best to avert his gaze, Justin set his container aside and took a deep breath. “It’s true that I wanted you to have a nice night, but…” The words evaded him. In the moment they were most necessary, Justin couldn’t figure out how to string a sentence together.
“But what?” Andrew inched closer on the sofa.
Justin didn’t back away, though he knew it was likely a good idea for him to do so. “But… but nothing!” He slipped off the sofa. Justin ran a hand through his hair. God, he was so stupid. He shouldn’t have listened to Trisha or thought that it was a good idea at all to confess his feelings for Andrew.
Maybe if he pushed them down for long enough then they wouldn’t bother him anymore. Yeah. That sounded like a great idea. He wouldn’t have to languish over every thought he had about Andrew – their friendship could go back to normal.
He tried to take a few more steps back, but Andrew reached out and wrapped his hand around Justin’s wrist. “I’m not daft. Now I know something’s going on.”
Justin tried to rip his hand away, but Andrew was stronger.
“Come on then. I can’t possibly be that terrible.” There was a horrid smile on Andrew’s face as he said the words.
No, it wasn’t horrid; Andrew’s smile was perfect just like the rest of him. A full body shudder ran through Justin. “If… If I tell you, you can’t hate me.”
Andrew’s grip loosened. “Hate you? Nothing you could say would make me hate you, Justin.”
“Well you don’t know what I’m going to say.”
“You’re thick if you think I’d hate you.” Andrew withdrew his hand, but he was slow to do so. His fingers ran across Justin’s wrist, down his hand, until the warmth was gone.
Justin swallowed. This was it. This was the moment he’d been preparing for for months – if he was being completely honest with himself it had really been years.
He’d been in love with his best friend for years. Truly in love.
He felt close to tears as he spoke. “I like you, Andrew.”
Andrew was quiet for a second. “We are mates. I would hope you like me.”
Justin’s jaw clenched. “No. I like you.” Saying it the second time was no easier.
The realisation slowly dawned on Andrew. Justin could make out the exact moment when it clicked. His eyes widened, and his jaw fell slightly. “Oh, oh. Justin, I-”
“It’s stupid, I know.” Justin squeezed his eyes shut. “If you don’t want to be friends anymore I understand. Well. It would hurt an awful lot, but I would understand.” He couldn’t look at Andrew, not if he opened his eyes and saw a look of disgust on the other boy’s face. “And if you never want to see me again, that’s okay. I can find a way to switch seats if you really want to. I’ll even-”
Justin’s words were stolen by the chaste press of lips against his. The kiss was awkward since he was caught mid sentence. His breath was stolen from his lungs.
Andrew pulled back as Justin’s eyes opened. “I thought you’d never stop talking.”
The world came to a screeching halt. “You kissed me.”
“Isn’t that something you wanted?” Andrew’s hands were on his cheeks, palms warm.
“You kissed me.”
“I’ll do it again if you really can’t believe it.” Andrew leaned in but didn’t close the distance completely. “I was worried you’d never tell me.”
This time Justin leaned in. The next kiss was more frantic, full of unpracticed movements and clashing teeth. He was breathless when he pulled away. “Wait a second, you like me too?”
“No, I just go along kissing all my best mates.” Andrew’s smile broke out again. “Of course I like you, Justin; I have for a while.”
That was a comment that was certainly going to need more explanation, but Justin found that he didn’t care all that much at the moment. Andrew liked him. Andrew kissed him. It was all of Justin’s biggest dreams wrapped into one.
He smiled against Andrew’s lips as his stomach filled with butterflies. He couldn’t have planned for this, but that made it even sweeter.