Work Text:
Endless artificial fun erodes even the strongest mind's here.
That's what he'd known since he first showed up. Back then, it was different. The edges used to be more rugged, hardly as realistic as it had gotten nowadays. He didn't know if it was a good or bad thing- it was like watching a 3D movie without the special glasses.
When he'd first joined, it had been a small group. Himself, Kinger (with a bit more sanity), some dog guy (Scratchy, or something childish like that) and Kinger's wife, Queenie. Many more came and went. If he dwelled on everyone who abstracted, he'd go insane.
How years had he been stuck here? Time itself got hazy around the third. If he had to guess, maybe eight. At a certain mark, his old life, his old name (which he'd since forgotten), his job and family all felt like a misremembered dream without any connection to him. As long as he could remember- he was Jax. He wasn't sure if he'd even recognise himself- his real self in the mirror anymore. Even in his sleep, he was this cartoonish rabbit. Or maybe a hare.
It had been a year since the last newbie. The longest he'd ever seen without anyone abstracting. It wasn't perfect, of course and it certainly wasn't without infighting. Maybe it helped that Pomni's first day was so utterly chaotic. Usually Caine spent months buttering them up before even mentioning anything about abstraction. Some people never even got to that.
He knows this routine because he'd seen it many times before and he was sure he'd see it many times more too. Caine was like a child playing with toys. The moment they broke, he tossed them away, never be seen again and bought a new one. For all the intelligence in the world, he certainly was childish: his adventures was reflective of that. Everything had such a sanitised look and feel to it. No profanities, or sex, or graphic violence, or alcohol or drugs. It was like being stuck in a PG movie. Even still, Jax remembered Zooble's warning; the adventures were only the way they were because Caine liked them. It could be a completely different story if he didn't.
But that never answered the question- what if Caine got bored of them?
Caine already knew each member inside and out. He was a machine endlessly twisting and tasting itself. But there was never anything new to digest. Surely it would grow stale. At least the members kept things interesting.
That's how he got here.
Ragatha had joined a few years ago. He wasn't exactly sure when, but he remembers it was sometime before Zooble but after Ribbit. She used to be sort of highbrow, but always nice. She'd softened a lot more over the years. The first day she was here, she absolutely freaked, like he'd never seen her since. When he'd made some playful (by his current standards) comment about her new dolly look, she realised what she'd become and, mixed the fact she couldn't seem to wake up from this nightmare, she completely lost it. He still sorta chuckled when he remembered it.
She always had an apt skill for getting under his skin. Her voice was always so honeyed, that any actual sincerity came off as fake and ingenious. It wasn't like she couldn't be nice: it was a second nature to her. It was only when she forced it did it annoy him.
Even still, for all her faults, he remembers how she was when Ribbit abstracted. She came and sat by his door for two weeks after, not saying anything at all, at the detriment of her own sleep (even if she didn't need it, she always looked like a wreck the morning after.) But she came every night, without fail. On the last day, she slipped Ribbit's bow through the door and neither of them talked about it again. It was the only time he ever felt her being kind without her incessant need to people-please.
For better or worse, he always knew Ragatha as someone strong enough to handle herself. She'd certainly be one of the last people he'd expect to abstract, behind maybe Hoo-ha himself for his sheer inability to comprehend what was happening. He'd even think he was closer to abstracting than she ever was.
That's why it blindsided him so much to see her cry.
It was late- far later than they were expected to go to sleep (just another example of how childish Caine was. They had a curfew, which, per usual, he didn't follow.) The sanctity of night and lack of any light, artificial or natural cloaked him. That's why his ears sprung up so quickly when he heard crying.
He put his back to the door, as if to blend into the darkness itself, and strained his ears. For all the complaints he had about his body here, he couldn't complain about the perks it came with. His hearing was impeccable- and he could see pretty well in the dark. A trait which wasn't shared with the rest of the cast, as far as he was aware.
There she was- goody goody Ragatha, breaking the curfew. He bit his tongue, relishing in the newfound dirt he'd found on her. He could toss it out whenever he wanted, in any conversation. Oh yeah, Ragatha sneaks out at night. Strange, isn't it?
His train of thought broke when he remembered what had alerted him to begin with. Her crying.
He'd seen her cry before- mostly just at funerals for the past members. She'd work herself into a stupor and bawl her eyes out. This time, however, it sounded more like a wobbly attempt to keep herself quiet. Her sobs came with little hiccups and gasps for air. He stood in the darkness, and squinted. She was fumbling with the door's lock whilst completely falling apart.
It took her a few minutes to open the door and fall inside. Jax stuck his foot in the way and followed after her, slight curiosity dancing in his steps. It wasn't like he particularly cared about her, the opposite if anything, but it wasn't every day he saw the famed Ragatha bawl her eyes out without a reason (or a new thing to taunt her for.) She laid on the bed, hugging the pillow close to her torso.
A few seconds passed, before her eye caught the figure standing in the doorway. She shot up, her red curls bouncing with the sudden movement. She looked to her right and grabbed the first thing she could- a small, porcelain lamp, and held it up above her head.
"I wouldn't do that if I were you." Jax hummed, clicking his tongue on the backs of his teeth. She stiffened at the sound of his voice, although slightly relieved. She brought the lamp to her chest, which was currently doing rapids.
"Jax." She spoke, her throat contracting as it fought to catch her breath. "I'm sorry- you, uh, you scared me. I didn't hear you come in."
"Yeah, that was on purpose." He shrugged, staring around her room. It was rustic in design, decorated with wooden blocks and cabinets. He'd never actually taken the time to give it a proper look inside before. He usually just tossed things inside before she caught on he was in her room. The bedside tables were carved with horses and engravings- it all screamed Ragatha.
"So?" His teeth click again. "Why were you crying like that? I could hear you from across the hallway."
Her tear-soaked cheeks turned a milky red, as she rubbed the back of her neck like a child being scolded. She'd tried her best to be quiet. She couldn't even get that right. Her bottom lip wobbled.
No- her resolve wouldn't let her cry in front of Jax. She could feel the tingly sensation grow in her nose as her eyes got wet again. She mumbled some pathetic excuse, before the tears began to roll again. Jax stood and stared at her. He didn't like ever saying it, but, he felt awkward. He'd initially came to poke some fun at her, but she sat before him, wailing. He felt the embarrassment creep up his neck.
"Sorry." Came from between a hiccup and another sob. "I just. Guess I felt sad." She'd taken to using simplistic language.
"Yeah, go figure." He rapt his fingers against his arm. "Why?"
A quiet spread across the room and engorged the two of them in it. Jax stood his ground, waiting for a response, and Ragatha was looking everywhere in the room but at him.
"Just a lot of stuff."
"What stuff?"
"Just.. things.."
"What things?"
".. Why do you care?"
His nose twitched slightly at the bluntness of her voice. It wasn't intentionally harsh, but fatal nonetheless.
"Wow, no need to be rude." He drew his voice out, waving his hands with the flow of his voice. "Can't I be concerned for a dear friend?"
Ragatha didn't buy it. Her previous tears were replaced with a slight scowl drawn across her face. She clutched the lamp again, fingers working their way around the delicate base. He took it as a warning to step back.
"Alright- I heard you in the hallway. You didn't even lock your door properly." He hummed. "On a better day, I'd take it for advantage. But.." His eyes glossed over her. It was off-putting, seeing her so down. Curled up on her bed, eye still heavy with strings of tears. "You, uhh.. you.."
[####] it. He couldn't think of a single way to say it without sounding like he cared. I was nervous? I was scared? I wanted to check up on you and I heard you crying and I got worried you'd abstract in the middle of the night? All of them gave way far too much leeway and care.
"You woke me up with your crying."
She turned her head, giving him a half-lidded look. "I'm sorry." Her heart wasn't in it. Neither was his. She placed the lamp back on the stand with a slight thud. "I didn't mean to be that loud."
"Well, you were." He snapped, maybe a little too harshly. She didn't even flinch at it.
"Like I said, I'm sorry." Her tone got angrier: her voice raised to match his. He could hear the way her words wobbled. "If all you're going to do is argue with me, then just leave." She was working on a far shorter fuse than what either of them were used to. He could hear the way she sniffled back phlegm between breaths.
A few moments of silence passed, before either of them said or did anything. Then Jax laid flat on her bed.
It creaked slightly under his size (which wasn't a lot to begin with.) complaining about the added weight. He grabbed the side of a blanket, and yanked it over himself. It was hand woven- a cute scrap tapestry.
"What are you doing?" She gasped, trying to push him off. But he was cemented to place, his body as indignant as his mind. Her straining was useless.
"Nothing." He laughed, putting his head on his hand. "Nothing. Well, until you tell me what's wrong. Then I'll do something."
"Do what?"
"Leave, probably." He rolled his shoulder with a click.
"Jax-! I'm serious!" She huffed, but he could hear the little bouts of laughter as she attempted to roll him over. He remained cool, simply giving her a wide, yellow grin. "There's not enough space!"
"Hm? It looks more than enough." He responded. She was almost entirely off the bed by now. "I didn't think you'd be so heartless, not even sharing a bed?"
"I just-" She started.
"Uh-huh-huh. Now, enough foreplay. What's on your mind?"
Ragatha gave a defeated sigh, staring back at the lamp again. It grew wobbly and distorted as her eye swelled again. Her hands twisted, taking fist-fulls of her nightgown.
"Everyone here hates me. I can tell. They're- they always- they always look at me with these forced smiles. And I'm stuck here.. if I have any fall out with anyone, I'm still stuck seeing them every day. So I have to stay positive. But even that's not enough because then they hate that too."
"No winning with them." Jax added kind of lazily. He didn't know what else to say.
"At least you're honest with what you think about me. Usually. But the others- sometimes it feels so hot and cold. Like I can't ever get it right. And sometimes at night, I just walk around thinking about them." She picks at the seams along her arm. "About arguments. Or things they said that stuck with me. And I know it doesn't matter, but they keep playing over and over. I guess that happened again tonight."
Jax's frown dissipated slightly, trying to think of a quip but coming up futile. He watched awkwardly as she put her head in her hands and sobbed. Louder then ever. Louder then he'd ever heard. Surely someone else would hear it. It took her a few minutes to spit the next sentence out between cries.
"I don't know why I'm even telling you this. I hate you."
"But you don't want me to hate you back?"
Ragatha nodded. "I felt like after.. after Ribbit, that I'd failed you. You got so cynical and cruel. I mean, you were always like that, but it got worse. So much worse."
Jax sat up from his position, blanket slipping from his shoulder. The mention of the name Ribbit always sent him on high alert. His eyes narrowed slightly. "I thought this was about you- not me."
"Right."
Jax lolled his head away from her, putting a gloved hand on his chin.
"It's not like I didn't miss you." He muttered. "It just doesn't feel right without them here. Just us hanging out. It just got easier to start something new than brute something between us again. There's always going to be a hole where they were. Where they should be."
Ragatha scooted slightly closer to him. "Whenever I'm walking around, I keep replaying it in my head. What I could've done or said or did differently. They both went so.. angrily."
"I know."
Ragatha knew she didn't have to ask him if he missed them. It was written deep in his eyes, which stared at the bedsheets.
"I think they'd be.. angrier if they saw how we ended up."
Jax's ears flattened to his head. He knew she was right, but wouldn't ever admit it. Not here, not ever. "Whatever. They're gone now. I didn't come here to ask about them. I came here to ask why you were crying so loud."
"Jax, I told yo-"
"Whatever." His mood had dropped entirely now. He clenched and unclenched his fist. It always seemed to happen whenever Ragatha mentioned Ribbit. That's why she never did. Jax stood up and watched the way Ragatha's face changed. It was twisted into a look of sympathy- no- pity. He'd come to ask her if she was okay, and here she was now, pitying him. It felt like ice-water down his back.
He took a few steps to the door, turning back to look at Ragatha on the bed. She looked so hurt- fretting she'd said the wrong thing. She'd keep herself up all night over this, wouldn't she? He'd just given her another reason to go on late night walks. In his attempt to fix her up, he'd torn her down tenfold.
He grabbed the brass of the doorknob and turned it. She opens her mouth to say something, but is muffled by the door closing behind him.
It almost catches his tail.