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I Will Love You Like The Ashes In My Cigarette Box
By the time their group made it to the drow woman, Karlach was seething.
They didn’t exactly have the time for a good old-fashioned brawl over differing opinions but that didn’t make her any less likely to punch someone’s face in if they so much as breathed in her direction. Hey, keeping feelings inside was a bad thing, right? Gods forbid she try to express herself with a little bit of bloodshed.
Also, it was awkward, and that annoyed her even more.
Wyll couldn’t look her in the eye, and Astarion’s face kept switching from furious to ‘having-an-existential-crisis.’ Well, that made two of them.
Most of- definitely not all of but most of- her anger went out the window when they met the drow. Karlach had a bit of self awareness- definitely enough to know that she was a bit of a guard dog. Her careers included ‘bodyguard to a greasy moron’ and ‘enslaved warrior’, so she knew how to swing an axe. The thing was that she wanted to swing. She latched onto people like a bloody baby duckling and was absolutely willing to chop off a few heads for them.
Look where that got her.
And still she kept doing it. It was as much a part of her as her cracked horn or her furnace- she could bitch about it all she liked, but it wouldn’t stop her from baring her teeth every time someone tugged on her lead.
So, yes, she was fuming at Astarion for meddling and throwing a tantrum over her morality as if he wasn’t a blackhearted little cunt himself-
But he was hers.
And also Wyll’s, and also himself’s.
For some reason, that drow couldn’t get that into her thick, blue head. Karlach already wasn’t interested in being chummy with her- one bloodsucker in her life was quite enough, thanks, and he was on think fucking ice- and she got a bad feeling. Moonrise Towers and the Shadowlands were a pain, and tended to make her and everyone else gloomy, but that wasn’t it.
They let Wyll take charge. He was a charismatic bloke, make no mistake, and some of his fancypants diplomacy could come in handy if Araj Oblodra got sarky.
Also, neither her or her leech friend were feeling chatty.
Something about Araj set her teeth on edge. The grandiose act, the workshop, the way she looked at people like potion ingredients instead of people-
Oh. Ohhh.
She reminded her of Enver bloody Gortash. Great. Just the little trip down memory lane she needed when there were still a hundred things to worry about. Like, for instance, just how insistent she was that she could brew up something with their blood. Wyll turned her down. It was technically more of a trade- some blood for some power- but none of them were fond of deals.
Also, Wyll would be one hell, (ha,) of a hypocrite if he started making dodgy swaps.
Gods, camp was gonna be gloomy later. Karlach couldn’t wait to eat half a berry, courtesy of Gale, then debate whether or not to swallow her pride or go sulk in her own tent.
She hated that she already knew the answer.
Seriously, did she want to be on a lead her whole life? It was sure bloody looking that way.
She needed to get a lid on herself before she exploded. It was bad enough she was a sentient engine and that their resident wizard with a bomb- they didn’t need to add ‘accidentally blew up Moonrise Towers’ to their list of problems.
Eventually, Araj gave up on stealing their yummy blood. Yummy according to Astarion, anyway.
Instead of telling them to fuck off, though, Araj put on the smarmiest smile she possible could and asked; ‘Although, there is perhaps one more thing we could discuss- your friend. He’s a vampire, no? Or one of their spawn, at least.’
Astarion snapped out of his sulk so quick it gave her vertigo. ‘Don’t worry, we’re all friends under The Absolute. I won’t bite.’
Something in the gap where Karlach’s heart used to be twinged. She knew their vampire wasn’t okay. He had to be as exhausted and angry as she was. Instead of showing it, though, he just… slipped right back into a disguise. She and Wyll hadn’t heard him sound like that since the early days. She hated it.
‘Oh, I’d prefer if you did.’ Araj replied. Wait, what?
Karlach didn’t get a chance to say that out loud before the crazy blood woman turned to Wyll and asked; ‘I assume he belongs to you?’
Wyll stiffened. ‘Excuse me? He’s his own person.’ He said, all heroic.
She looked amused. ‘I’m sure he really believes that. How utterly adorable.’
Fucking hell, she was cuckoo. Karlach’s hand twitched around her axe. She didn’t really want to start all-out pandemonium- the mess alone would be a nightmare- but if she had to…
Araj finally addressed Astarion himself. ‘Do you have a name, spawn?’
‘Astarion, but hold on-’ He put his hands up defensively. Araj didn’t even notice.
‘Good. Now, Astarion, I’ve dreamed of being bitten by a vampire since I was a young girl.’
His affable mask slipped for just a second. ‘I’m sorry, you want to be bitten?’
Araj said dreamily, ‘To feel your life’s blood slipping away? To dance on the edge between life and death? Yes. I want it. I’ll even compensate you- a potion of legendary power that forever increases the strength of the one who consumes it. It’s not for sale, but it’s yours- if you bite me.’
‘I will have to… decline.’ Astarion said quickly. Too quickly.
‘Excuse me?’ Araj scoffed in disbelief. ‘This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity and you’re squandering it!’
‘I gave you my answer.’ He practically spat.
‘Can’t you talk some sense into your obstinate charge?’ She said to Wyll and Karlach.
‘He said no. There’s nothing more to discuss.’ Wyll said, unconsciously moving closer to Astarion.
Araj looked at Karlach with her eyebrows raised, as if to say ‘These silly men. Surely you’ll see sense?’ Well, no-one had ever described Karlach as sensible and she wasn’t about to give them reason to now.
Instead of answering the blood-drunk weirdo, Karlach turned to Astarion. ‘I’m surprised, Fangs. I thought you’d jump at a chance like this.’
The friendly nickname slipped out. Fucks’ sake.
‘I’m sorry, but could you excuse us a moment?’ Astarion asked, mask back on.’
The three of them shuffled as far away from Araj as the room would allow. They probably weren’t even properly out of earshot, but it was better than nothing.
Astarion fixed Karlach with a glare. ‘Are you actually asking me to do this? Trading me for some potion?’ He practically spluttered.
‘You’re not usually one to turn down a snack.’ She replied.
‘No. But this is different. Because there is something wrong with her blood. I can smell it from here- it’s rank.’
She shared a look with Wyll before she said; ‘This is your choice. Do what you want.’
Wyll nodded. ‘I’m with Karlach.’
Astarion’s entire being visibly relaxed.
‘Alright. Um, thank you.’ He turned back to Araj. ‘It’s still a no, I’m afraid.’
‘How very disappointing.’ But no-one was listening to her anymore.
‘Thank you. I… appreciated that.’ He said to his travelling companions in what sounded like disbelief.
Oh bloody hell. She was gone on him, wasn’t she?
-
Just as she predicted, Karlach couldn’t keep her distance once they got back to camp. It’d been a long, trying day, and she didn’t have the self-preservation not to go crawling back to a vampire she was still annoyed with.
Wyll saw her leaving their miserable campfire, and joined her.
He didn’t need to ask her where she was going- he already knew. Credit where credit was due- he was a lovely man, and an observant one at that.
Astarion had pitched his tent at the far end of camp. Apparently, everyone else snored, and it was getting very difficult for an elf’s sensitive ears to drown them out. Gods, what a primadonna.
Karlach was expecting some snark, maybe an actual argument. There was also the possibility that Astarion was too worn out and would settle for some mild bitching before proposing an early night. That sounded pretty good, actually. She was sore in muscles she didn’t even know she had, and she had a lot of muscles.
Despite spending so much time with their vampire, he still managed to surprise her.
‘I want to thank you.’ He said.
Well, that was a turn-up for the books. Also, he sounded different. She knew a lot about the way his voice worked- the way it rose or fell depending on how he was feeling, and the way it sounded false to her ears when she knew he was playing a part. There was none of his usual playfulness or sarcasm- it was pure sincerity.
Beside her, Wyll was looking equally confused. ‘For what?’
‘For what you said- While I was in front of that vile drow.’ He clarified. ‘I spent two hundred years using my body to lure pretty things back for my master. What I wanted, how I felt about what I was doing- it never mattered.’
Another bit of her not-heart splintered. If she was feeling sappy, Wyll must’ve been damn near suicidal.
‘You could have asked me to do the same.’ Astarion continued. ‘To throw myself at her- what I wanted be damned!’
He blinked, and said in a voice that was low and gravelly; ‘But you didn’t. And I’m grateful.’
‘Are you getting sentimental on me, Fangs?’ Karlach sniffed.
‘Perhaps a bit. Wyll must be rubbing off on me.’ But it lacked any real bite. Ironic, considering he was a vampire.
Wyll, of course, was looking at Astarion with enough tenderness to melt a bloody ice golem. ‘I don’t want you to do anything you don’t want to do. Ever.’ He said.
‘It’s a novel concept, I will admit. And a… little intimidating. It would have been so easy to bite her, to just go along with what I was being told to do.’ He put on a care-free and borderline bored voice. ‘A moment of disgust to force myself through- And then I could’ve carried on. Just like before.’
Karlach scrunched her nose. ‘Just repressed it n moved on? Sounds healthy.’
Beside her, Wyll looked properly pained. ‘Answer me honestly, Astarion- why did you ask me to sleep with you?’
‘I needed protection.’ Astarion said simply.
‘And you thought that was the way to get it?’
He scoffed. ‘People don’t trust vampires- perhaps understandably- So I needed someone on my side. What I didn’t consider, however, was that you’d be too fucking gallant to even lay a finger on me.’
Karlach had to chuckle at that, even with the dire circumstances.
Astarion continued, ‘I mean, for gods’ sake, you’re clearly interested in men, and I’m quite certain Karlach would jump at the opportunity-’
She nodded. What? He was pretty and she was fond of him.
‘But alas, you only seemed interested in a mild-mannered little courtship, if that. Posies of flowers and love songs and all that tosh. Absolutely ridiculous. But…’
‘You like all that romantic tosh.’ She grinned.
He sighed, and said in a put-upon kind of voice, ‘... So imagine how stupid I felt when I genuinely started to feel something for you. For both of you.’
If Karlach wasn’t already red, she would’ve blushed. As it was, she felt all fluttery inside.
‘Trust me, I was not happy about it.’ He said. ‘You were a complication I didn’t see coming. And yet…’
He cut himself off. He was still looking at her and Wyll with the biggest, saddest eyes. Fuck it, she couldn’t stay mad at him. Not right that second, anyway. They could sort out all the angry feelings tomorrow but right that second she wanted to hear what they had to say.
Both of them. About her.
Gods above and below, she was a hopeless sap.
‘We care about you.’ Karlach said, blunt as ever. ‘As- like- more than just a gossip buddy or a fling. Like it or not, Fangs, you’re stuck with us.’
‘Unless you don’t want to be,’ Wyll clarified.
‘But if you do-’ She continued. ‘We’re here.’
Astarion stared at them in disbelief. ‘Really?’ He said, barely audibly.
That was when Wyll swooped in. Well, actually, he just very carefully stepped forward and wrapped his arms around Astarion- and their vampire looked absolutely gobsmacked.
Was he expecting a kiss?
Seemed like it.
But it was Wyll. Of course he knew exactly what soft, sappy thing to do in the moment to make the lad he fancied feel better. Of course a bit of platonic touch was exactly what the cleric ordered.
And she couldn’t participate.
It wasn’t that she begrudged them anything- Hells, she’d been the one who encouraged Astarion to try his luck with Wyll, back when she thought that was something he actually wanted- but something in her ached when she saw the two of them. She didn’t want less for them, she wanted more for her. She wanted to lean in close and feel a cold cheek against her collarbone and a sword-calloused hand on her arm and she wanted to inhale that powdery smell that came from Astarion’s little routines instead of just catching a whiff of it off his pillow and she wanted to feel Wyll’s darling smile against her own lips.
She wanted. She wanted so hard she must’ve been starving with it. Was that how Astarion felt, when he hadn’t fed in a while? Hungry and desperate to feel another person on his teeth?
Instead of losing it, she let them have their moment. ‘Sorry, fellas, can’t join the little cuddle session. Not unless you want to get charred.’
Just a while longer, she reminded herself. They’d fix her engine and she’d be able to snuggle up to her… friends? Companions? To her heart's content. Well, to her furnace’s content. She was just a couple of feet away but she might as well have been on the other side of camp. Did either of them actually want her there? Was she interrupting something sweet and private?
Wyll drew back from Astarion, who said; ‘You… you are full of surprises, aren’t you?’
Oh Hells. She probably needed to scarper before they started actually snogging. Maybe they wanted to put on a show but she was not in the mood to be in the audience.
She wanted to be centre stage there with them.
Her thoughts stopped spiralling when Astarion looked right at her. ‘Honestly, I have no idea what we’re doing. Or what comes next.’
He ducked his head.
She wanted to kiss the top of it. Plus a couple other places.
Astarion reached into his tent, and pulled out one of his spare shirts. Instead of saying anything, he looked almost… shy? As he wrapped it around his hand. Karlach didn’t cop on to what he was getting at until he tentatively reached out.
He held her hand.
Indirectly, sure, but he was holding her hand. Even with the barrier, it had to be uncomfortable, but he didn’t so much as flinch.
Wyll smiled at them, and gently rested his hand on Astarion's shoulder.
Astarion glanced back at him, but kept his eyes on Karlach when he said. ‘I don’t know what we’re doing- but I know that this? This is nice.’
And she couldn’t have agreed more.