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The feeling of bloodlust was something that Rachel reveled in.
It was an escape. A way out, if only for a moment. She could slip out of herself, out of her body, fall into the endless expanse of the animal’s basest instincts. She didn’t know where she stopped and the bear began. It was comforting. It was terrifying. It was addicting.
The moment between battle start and battle end was a blur of red noise. It was like listening to your favorite music on blast and getting so much homework done that you don’t even remember doing it. It was the purest sense of the word autopilot. Rachel brain clicked off, bear brain clicked on, and the human that shared the space with the several ton grizzly didn’t have to worry about a thing. She put up her hands and sat back, letting the animal make the decisions.
It was one of the only times she didn’t have to worry about anyone other than herself.
When she stared in the mirror in the morning, she made sure to go over every feature of her face. From her eyes, to her nose, to her ears. She’d pull up her lips to reveal her teeth and gums, inspecting her incisors. Sometimes she thought they might transform permanently into fangs. It felt like after each battle she felt a little more like the bear even after demorphing. She wasn’t sure if she should be exhilarated or scared.
It gave her confidence. It gave her an aloofness she couldn’t achieve otherwise. It was easier to let go of hard feelings, to surrender them to the bear to rend and tear and dispose of. A bear did not care about hurt feelings. A bear cared only about herself. Even so…
A bear did not have friends.
Rachel thought of Tobias, Cassie, Marco, Ax, and Jake. Even in the haze of blood and static, she could recall their faces in pristine detail. Even as the bear ran the show, it remembered her friends. It remembered what they fought for. It remembered the insurmountable pressure on their shoulders. And it fought harder.
Rachel was as much the bear as the bear was Rachel. They were inseparable. They were different sides of the same coin. One could not exist without the other. Rachel found herself thanking the bear every day for the courage it lent her, and in a way felt the bear thank her for showing it what companionship really meant.
Rachel loved the bear, therefore Rachel loved herself.