Chapter Text
I never dreamed that I'd love somebody like you
And I never dreamed that I'd lose somebody like you
Now I don't wanna fall in love (this world is only gonna break your heart)
No, I don't wanna fall in love with you
--Wicked Game, Chris Isaak
Rico sat down on the unforgiving sofa, resigned to the reality of another night of fitful napping in the hospital waiting room.
Waiting.
He'd never thought about how apropos the name was before. It was the Waiting Room. Where people waited (to hear if their loved ones were going to live or die).
You're losing it, Rico, he chided himself, rubbing his eyes. Gotta hold it together.
For Sonny.
It was futile to even contemplate getting any real sleep, and, truth be told, he didn't want to, fearful of what dreams might await. Even awake, the bittersweet memories were swamping him as he wondered if they would ever get the chance to make any new ones.
The couch dipped, shaking him out of his thoughts. He was unsurprised to turn and see Trudy there. She'd been providing silent support all day.
He smiled tiredly at her.
"Rico, you need to get some real sleep," Trudy told him gently. "In a bed."
"I'm fine here," he countered, shaking his head.
"Come home with me," she pressed. "My place is closer to the hospital; you can be back here in a few minutes if need be."
"I'd rather stay."
"I've got fresh fruit," Trudy coaxed with a smile. "And juice."
Rico glanced at the coffee pot on the table, mouth watering at the idea of eating and drinking something besides the vile coffee he'd been subsisting on for over 24 hours now.
"You're not doing Sonny any good by running yourself into the ground. What would he think of this, huh?"
Trudy had pulled out all the stops by using that logic. Because Rico knew exactly what his partner would say. He could even hear his voice in his head, a gruffly affectionate order: Go get some rest, Rico.
The threat of tears stung Rico's eyes, and he blinked to banish them, but it was about more than Sonny. Out of everyone on the team, Trudy was the only one who seemed to see beyond his stoic exterior, to acknowledge the pain he was keeping inside. It was hard to remain stubborn in the face of the kindness that was wearing him down. He didn't really relish the idea of another night of being alone with his thoughts and fears.
"Maybe for a few hours," he capitulated.
Trudy smiled like the sun coming out, and it broke Rico's heart.
MVMVMV
Rico had known it was a bad idea as soon as Trudy had suggested it, but he was vulnerable, his defenses weakened by worry and lack of sleep. The food she plied him with rejuvenated him, and the easy, light conversation was a balm to his raw nerves. For a brief time, he could almost pretend…
"You're gonna take the bed, and I won't hear a word about it," Trudy told him firmly. "I'll be fine on the couch."
"I want to call the hospital," he said instead of responding to her statement.
There was no change in Sonny's condition, of course, but it eased Rico's anxiety somewhat. He sat on Trudy's sofa and stared into space, too many thoughts crowding through his mind, all screaming for attention.
Seeing Sonny get shot also brought memories of his brother's murder – a loss he hadn't really dealt with. Just another thing locked away deep inside. There was an easy distraction at hand. Sonny. Sonny offering a lifeline, a job and a partnership, Sonny needing him, Sonny…
Out of the frying pan and into the fire, his grandmother would have said.
Rico didn't want to think about what her opinion of his choice of fixation would be. The heart makes its own choices, she was fond of advising, but he had no illusions that this was what she meant.
His brother would be even less poetic about it.
Jesus on a crutch, Ricardo, bad enough you into this queer stuff, it's gotta be with a lily-assed white boy?
Yeah, bro, don't you think I know that's a double whammy?
Although now that you mention it, he told the Rafael in his head, from the glimpses I've seen, his ass is just as golden tanned as the rest of him…
Rico felt the ghost slap upside the head the quip would've earned him and nearly smiled. It wasn't that they disapproved of interracial relationships or were rabidly homophobic; they just loved him and wouldn't want to see him go through the extra struggles they knew it would bring to his life.
Not that it was a choice, either. Rico wasn't even sure how or when it happened, only that it took him a long time to realize how deep his feelings for Sonny had become along the way.
A hand on his shoulder started him out of his thoughts.
"How are you holding up? Really?" Trudy asked with a knowing look.
Rico was a pro at hiding his feelings, so why was he suddenly grappling to keep a lid on them? "I'm not the one lying in a hospital bed fighting for his life," he deflected.
"That's not what I asked you," Trudy told him. Her hand slid up to his head, coaxing it down onto her shoulder, and against his will, Rico felt himself allowing it, curling into her embrace. She was warm and soft and smelled of Yves Saint Laurent.
"I'm… I don't know how I am," he finally admitted.
"You can talk to me, Rico. I care about you, and I'm here for you. It's just between you and me."
The compassion was a balm to Rico's soul, telling him he could let go of the iron grip he had on himself for a while.
For once.
Rico had to say it; he couldn't keep his silence any longer, and it might be enough to make her understand. To see reality.
"I love Sonny," he whispered his confession into her hair.
"I know you do."
You could tell them, and they still wouldn't believe, couldn't you? "Like I've never loved anyone," he clarified.
"I've got eyes, Rico," Trudy chided gently.
Was everyone else struck blind? Was Sonny willfully unseeing? Or maybe Trudy was the only one who'd bothered to look.
"And?" he prompted when nothing more was forthcoming.
Trudy didn't answer right away. Rico had a feeling she was choosing her words carefully. Perhaps finding them, then discarding them as she formulated her response.
"There's nothing I can say to make it any easier." The hand that wasn't holding his head moved to his leg, stroking soothingly. "What can I do for you?"
Trudy's tender caress and words made alarm prick at Rico's consciousness, even while a wisp of desire curled in his groin.
Rico reached down and covered her hand, halting the movement. "Trudy," he murmured, discomfited.
"You're hurting, and I want to help you, at least for a little while. That's what friends do."
Rico was both uneasy with the advance and tempted by the offer at the same time. He wasn't stupid either; he'd known Trudy had a pash on him for some time now.
"Not like this."
"Tell that to Sonny and Gina."
Rico raised his head, putting some space between them. "You need to ask yourself why you're offering, and I need to ask myself why I'm considering it."
The friend he could have, the love he couldn't. His life was full of irony.
Trudy jumped up, grabbed a throw pillow, and threw it at him. "Fine, sleep on the damn couch, then!"
Rico went after Trudy as she headed for the other room, grabbing her arm and turning her to face him. She was insulted, and that's not what he'd intended.
"I'm sorry," Trudy said, surprising him. "This isn't about me."
"I'm sorry too, I didn't mean to imply you have ulterior motives."
"Yeah, well, don't get too full of yourself," she told him in a huff.
They grinned at each other.
"Haven't you ever taken comfort from a friend?" Trudy pressed.
Haven't you ever accepted comfort?
They both heard the unspoken implication. Rico didn't answer.
Trudy reached over and took his hand. "I'll tell you what. Come to bed -- just to sleep. I don't think you want to be alone tonight. And we all love Sonny, we're hurting, too."
It was the invoking of Sonny that decided him. Rico nodded and followed Trudy into the darkened bedroom.
It felt weird to be stripping down to his underwear in Trudy's bedroom, listening to her moving around in the bathroom as she got changed. Why was he doing this? He was beginning to think he had no clue who this stranger in his skin was anymore. Probably hadn't since he'd come to Miami. Since Raf died.
Trudy came out dressed in a blue silk babydoll and rooted around in a drawer for a moment before tossing a plain white T-shirt at him. "Left over from an old boyfriend," she explained.
He nodded his thanks, appreciating her thoughtfulness until the absurdity of it hit him.
Rico was standing in the bedroom of a beautiful, willing lady who'd offered to have no-strings sex with him, and he was acting like a Priest. He shook his head at himself with a laugh.
"I can't even think straight right now," he admitted as he shrugged into the shirt.
"No pun intended?" Trudy asked with an impudent grin that made her nose crinkle up adorably.
"Oh, there it is," he said with an eye roll, and they shared a laugh, easing some of the tension.
There were a few awkward moments as they got into bed and tried to work out how to position themselves. In the end, they settled on their sides, facing each other.
In the ensuing conversation lull, Rico admitted to himself that it felt a lot nicer than the hospital sofa. He was rabidly independent but thought maybe he could get used to letting someone help... once in a while.
"I sometimes imagine what it would be like to kiss Gina," Trudy confessed into the quiet room.
Rico couldn't help the grin that spread on his face, enjoying the image that invoked, and the momentary diversion. "You're a good friend, Trudy."
"We all stick together. I remember what Sonny said to that South Beach guy, the people on this team practically breathe for each other."
Some, more than others.
Rico's breath caught on a wave of fresh pain that blindsided him. "What if he dies, Trudy?" he blurted.
Trudy slid her arm around Rico, urging him closer. "He's gonna be okay," she whispered like a prayer. "You know Sonny, he's tough, and too stubborn to give up."
Rico wished her words could reassure him, but it seemed only he knew, saw how close to the edge Sonny lived, the depression that led to self-destructive behavior. Rico suspected even his marriage was a form of self-sabotage.
Rico started to sit up. "I want to go back to the hospital." He needed to tell his partner a few things, even if the man was unconscious.
Needed to make sure Sonny was fighting to survive, to avoid the potential outcome the doctor had warned them about.
If Sonny were paralyzed, there was no doubt in Rico's mind that he wouldn't be able to live like that. He'd find a way to…
Trudy grabbed him to keep him from leaving the bed. "You need to rest."
And where the hell is Caitlin?!
Rico imagined she would set Sonny up with the best round-the-clock nurses in that big house of theirs that money could buy. Come back from her concerts every few months to spend some time being Mrs. Crockett – or Mrs. Burnett, whichever name she was remembering that day. He had no illusions that she would stick around too long after that, once the fantasy of the knight in shining armor who'd saved her from the monsters was shattered by the reality of a man who no longer fit the idealized image. She and Sonny probably deserved each other if he was honest; they both wanted to live a fairytale.
Rico slumped back down, ashamed of his unkind thoughts. It wasn't fair to Caitlin, and it was petty of him. He didn't much like this side of himself. He rested his head against Trudy's as she tightened her embrace. "God, I'm messed up."
Maybe me and Sonny deserve each other, he observed internally with a watery chuckle, focusing on the disparaging meaning and determinedly ignoring the other one.
Maybe Rico was looking for a fairytale too, in his own way (pun intended or not, he didn't know). He had reality, though, and that was enough for him. He knew it, because he was still here, still orbiting Sonny's shooting star and valiantly trying to keep it from crashing and burning, no matter how futile.
No one else seemed to want to.
Sometimes Rico felt like that's what he was put on earth to do. How do you argue with that?
Rico settled down again, putting his arm around Trudy and finally letting some of the tension drain out of his body and mind.
"One foot in front of the other," she told him.
"Amen, baby."
Later, Rico would give Sonny his pep talk, awake or not. Things were quiet for the moment, and here, in this safe space Trudy had provided, he would fall apart a little and regain his strength and equilibrium.
He would need them.
There, in the shelter of a dear friend's arms, Rico allowed some tears to escape. Took a few hours of rest.
Tomorrow the fight would continue, and he aimed to win it.