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It started with an argument that broke out, not long after Jun Wu’s fall.
The Xianle trio maintained a precarious peace that only survived because of Xie Lian playing peacemaker around the clock and it was starting to wear him down. He sighed. Any other day he wouldn’t mind, but Feng Xin and Mu Qing always had to pull him into their petty arguments and open old wounds, and it was starting to be too much. They had been at each other’s throats for hours without pause and his patience had almost run out.
And then they said something that set him off.
Hua Cheng was not there, only a butterfly. The trio was alone in the big hall and he was done.
“Xie Lian did everything for you. He pulled you from the streets and made you into who you are today. Show some respect.”
“Oh, like you do? Should I sit at his feet like a dog and beg for scraps? He never cared anyway. Our relationship was wonky at best and he held a grudge-”
That was enough. Xie Lian knew that they spoke out of anger and old emotions that never really got processed, but they were hundreds of years old for heaven’s sake – they should act like it.
The newly appointed heavenly emperor couldn’t hold himself back.
“You know Mu Qing; I would never reproach you for looking after your mother. I knew I had to let you go, that it wasn’t fair, that you had to care for us while your mother was alone. I also never expected that of you. I was grateful, truly, and I had no hard feelings when you left.” His words rang with his honesty. There was not an ounce of mockery or resentment in them. “But the moment you broke my trust was on that mountain. I will not make you remember the details, just know, Bai Wuxiang was there. This mountain is what hurt our relationship the most. And sadly, it broke my trust. And at that time resentment was not a stranger. I was angry – at you shunning me, at the humiliation, at the pain that didn’t seem to end – and what can I say? I’m sorry. I’m sorry about how I treated you back then, but at that moment, I didn’t know any better – No wait, that is wrong. I did know better – I just couldn’t do any better. I was at my limit. I didn’t have any capacity for sympathy and kindness anymore. I was sick of playing the martyr. I didn’t want to have to give myself up for everybody else. I was scared. Like a cornered animal, really, and I didn’t know better than to lash out. For that I am truly sorry and I will always try to amend for my mistakes.”
Silence.
Then suddenly Mu Qing lost his patience.
“Because your life was so awful. You never knew a day of hardship until the fall of Xianle and look at what that did. You would have never survived my life.”
Xie Lian didn’t miss a beat.
“Maybe I wouldn’t, but I am pretty sure that you would also not be able to survive being a prince.” Xie Lian was done with the pretence. Done with being nice when they just greeted his blossoms with thorns and ripped his carefully curated petals apart for no other reason except that they could. Just because he was royalty did not mean that he didn’t experience hardships. Yes, surely, he did not experience the same kind of hardships as Mu Qing or Feng Xin, but being royalty was not fun.
He had etiquette lessons since he was a child, spoke seven languages at the age of ten and was drilled to be the perfect heir and prince. Having the hope of a nation resting on one’s shoulders was not funny. He couldn’t allow himself to even slip up in the slightest. Yes, his kindness was honest, but his perfection? No, that was not natural, that was honed. Hours upon hours of training, of lessons, of trying, failing and correcting his behaviour, his looks, his whole being were invested into becoming the perfect figure that would be presented to everyone. Nothing except perfection would and could be tolerated. Nobody knew the real him, not even his two peers. Hundreds of years nobody truly knew him. Not the version that was too hurt to keep up the pretence and only knew how to lash out to defend itself, nor the picture-perfect royal and God – but the true version beneath all of that.
Nobody tried.
Only his husband took the time to look beneath the exterior and the walls he built up.
But of course, Feng Xin and Mu Qing only ever prodded skin deep and took what they saw at face value.
He continued, wanting to end this farce.
“I am not going to argue about who had the worst life. Comparing pain is never a good thing. Nevertheless, I will say that I think that the last eight hundred years that I was alone were taxing and taught me a lot.”
That seemed to ignite something in the other two Gods, who often accused each other of finding joy in his disappearance.
“Why didn’t you pray to us?!” Mu Qing shouted.
“But I did.”
It was nothing but a whisper.
A breeze.
But at the same time it was the most damning confession of them all.
The generals froze.
In a dangerous whisper Feng Xin asked, “What did you just say?”
And Xie Lian, who was at his emotional limit, did the one thing he shouldn’t and hoped that he wouldn’t do. He pulled everything good back, leaving his face blank and out came only a snarky retort.
“I said I prayed to you two numbskulls. Probably didn’t hear me over the sound of your fighting destroying a newly rebuilt heavenly avenue.”
He remembered. His memory supplied him with every single prayer that he sent to the two martial Gods. They had ignored him. Every. Single. Time.
Xie Lian still remembered screaming his throat raw while begging for them to get him out of the coffin, sacrificing his own blood in an attempt to make them notice his prayers. He remembered begging for them to kill him after he got trampled at Banyue Pass and his body was slowly reforming.
Both went red and Xie Lian saw the guard that went up. Good. He was going to finally break them down and make them see behind their ignorance.
He had enough of playing nice, of trying to mend their sharp edges with his own soft ones and only hurting himself in the process. Hua Cheng was right. At this point they didn’t deserve his patience anymore. Xie Lian had tried for months and what did he get? Snarky retorts, where he only offered honesty. Mockery where he tried to talk about emotions and old conflicts. He extended his hands again and again and was rarely met with anything else than a cut to the palm.
Now it was time to once and for all end this. If they couldn’t be civil because they held onto grudges, then he would not try anymore. Xie Lian was tired and had better things to do. Qingxuan was again the wind master and the new literature Goddess seemed very nice. He already had some talks with the new thunder master and the civil God for healing. The new heavenly emperor had all these people, who were better company than his old – he wouldn’t even call them friends anymore – acquaintances. They at least tried when he offered a deep emotional talk or reflected on the past.
If Xie Lian was honest, the admittance wasn’t hard that he could easily find better people to surround himself with. Maybe Hua Cheng was right and his desire for closure was only his own and not shared with his former friends and that he should let go.
Mu Qing was the first to recover and was ready with a sneer. “How dare you. You always thought you were better than us. Than me. But you were and still are only a spoiled brat.”
The scrap God’s retort was like an arrow being let go. “Better a spoiled brat than a bitter hag.”
They gaped. Never had Xie Lian snapped like this. Never.
“You can’t talk to him like that!” Feng Xin yelled.
Xie Lian’s voice was mocking and condescending when he started talking, but the longer he talked the emptier he sounded. “Oh Feng Xin. So loyal, but just so you know, I saw you two as my friends, confidants, hell, even brothers. And look where that got me.” He spread his arms “Eight hundred years no meeting and the first thing I heard out of your mouths were either something in disbelief that I was still around or an insult.”
Both of the martial Gods had already forgotten.
They had indeed done that. Mu Qing had started insulting him and Feng Xin was stunned when he saw him in the array. They could see what kind of impression that had left on the brunette.
“Still. We were your friends too.”
Xie Lian laughed, a cruel, mocking laugh without joy.
His voice sounded empty when he next spoke.
“You were never my friends. For Mu Qing I was duty, he only believed the worst of me, he thought he was my charity project and that I used him to make myself look better in the eyes of the people when I just wanted him to be my friend and did everything to shield him from any prejudice – that’s not friendship. And you, Feng Xin,” he pointed at his former bodyguard, “left the moment your illusion of the infallible prince on a pedestal burst and you saw that I was neither a crown prince, God, nor moral role model, but just a human with limits and mistakes. The moment I hit my breaking point you said that you didn’t know why you followed me anymore. If you had been my friend, you would have not said that. You might have said ‘stay with you’ or why you are still friends with me but not follow. Follow implies duty, Feng Xin.”
For a moment there was only silence as Xie Lian's words sank in.
Then the brunette sighed. “Ahhh, it’s good to let out built up frustration, I get why you always act like this Mu Qing, it’s easier than playing peacemaker.”
The God in question looked at him in disbelief.
“I do NOT act like that!” Mu Qing was indignant, taking great offence at being compared to that.
“Oh really. When I asked you two if you truly wanted to join me on my first mission I asked out of goodwill if you two knew who I was back then. I knew my reputation and didn’t want two poor middle court officials suffering because of me and what did you do? You ridiculed me and mocked me to my face. You say I am arrogant and a brat, and I might be all that, but I have one question for you? If I am an arrogant, ignorant brat – what are you?”
Noone had an answer for that.
Xie Lian spoke the truth, didn’t he? The raven-haired martial God had immediately mocked him, assuming that he had asked out of narcissism instead of actual concern for the officials that had joined him.
Mu Qing and Feng Xin only looked at him in silence.
They had never heard him lashing out like that and they couldn’t rebuff him because, if they were true to themselves, they knew that everything he said was right.
If they were friends, they would not have acted like that.
They were as much at fault as Xie Lian was.
After their silence lasted for a tad too long Xie Lian stretched and let out a sigh.
“I think we are done here. I do not have the energy for another pointless argument. If you’ll excuse me now, I have a city to rule with my husband.”
With that he turned around and made his way out of the hall, leaving two speechless generals in his wake.