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Shane wasn’t his parents’ last try at having children.
He’s pretty sure they don’t know, that he actually remembers the last time.
His mother’s last miscarriage.
When he was older, they’d told him all about it, the four pregnancies that didn’t work out. Shane had asked how far along they’d been, then knew he’d messed up, when his mom’s mouth twitched, when his dad just…slowed for a second.
Most had been early. There is a certain number of weeks that doctors tell expecting parents to wait to tell their loved ones that a baby’s on the way.
The last one had been later.
Shane knew that, kind of, if he took the pieces from what they’d already covered at school, and vague memories of his mother’s hands on her stomach, the sound she’d made that night, his dad’s voice, the washer running even though it was so late and it was time for sleeping.
He’d been four, but he still remembered.
It was after he’d started skating, and before they bought the cottage.
Right before, like his parents needed to escape that house for the summer. The spare bedroom became a home office, and growing up Shane regularly heard his parents’ good natured bickering or laughter as he thundered up or down the stairs, on his way to or from school, for practice, or training, or just more time at the rink.
He is thirty-two years old. He is a five-time cup winner. He is out, and married to the love of his life. He is a national hero, or so he’s been told. He runs a successful hockey camp every summer with his husband, his mother and friends who he considers family. He is healthier, physically and mentally, than he likely ever has been in the past, with the way his thumb gets sometimes. He has everything he’s ever wanted.
Shane doesn’t think it's everything Ilya has ever wanted.
If he asked Ilya out-right, his husband would say he wants another dog. He might start complaining about their lines, since Ilya, Shane Wiebe and the entirety of the city of Ottawa aren’t happy with how the team is, or really isn’t, coming together on the ice.
(Things are still good in the room, but there is growing frustration. It isn’t anyone’s fault, but the current roster has too many different styles of play that don’t quite work together. There will probably be some mid-season trades that no one is excited about, even if it is for the best for the sake of the team and even the careers of the players who will end up leaving.)
Shane’s always thought Ilya was meant to be a father.
He’s not so sure about himself. Shane’s doubts, when he’s opened up at all, have been couched in how he’s not that great as a coach to the kids at camp, or when he fails as an uncle to the Pike kids, or just isn’t good with visiting kids.
Ilya always puts those doubts to rest, as do Hayden and Shane’s parents. He isn’t a good coach because he sees hockey so intrinsically. He’s not the first person with this problem. And he does great with the Pikes, especially Arthur. And Ilya’s not the one who says Shane is the best on the team at sitting with the quiet children when they visit the hospital.
(“I like how you color, Mr. Hollander. Everyone else does it so crazy.”
“You know, you can call me Shane. And I like how you color, too Jamie.”)
He mentions it, to Rose, that Ilya would be a good dad.
“Have you guys talked about it, like, getting a surrogate?”
Shane feels himself freeze.
“Ah, no, we haven’t talked about it really.”
He remembers his mom curled up in a tiny ball, the sound she made.
Shane doesn’t tell Rose. When he goes home, he doesn’t tell Ilya, though his husband knows something is on his mind.
When Ilya gives him a look, holds his hand, strokes his thumb over the back of Shane’s hand, Shane promises to talk about it with Marcus. Ilya nods, and doesn’t ask.
(The best part about both Ilya and Shane now having therapists is that they don’t have to force each other into conversations the other needs to have. They didn’t really do that before, but Shane knows he worried. And he knows, now, that Ilya worried about him too. They don’t do that anymore. It’s nice. Easy. Boring, Ilya might say.)
So it is one Shane’s mind the next time he sits down in Marcus’s office.
“I’ve been thinking about becoming a parent.”
Marcus leans forward, like a teammate waiting to hear your idea for a set play.
“Becoming a parent.”
“Yea.”
“Why did you say it like that?”
Shane, shifts.
Licks his lips.
“When I realized I was gay, that was one of the only good parts.”
Marcus’ eyebrows lift slightly on his face. Shane looks down at Marcus’ knee.
“Not becoming a dad?”
“No, Ilya can’t-”
Shane can feel his mouth snap shut. What is he even saying? Shane’s the one who, eugh, 'receives' in their relationship! He feels his face go hot.
“Becoming a parent; why did you phrase it like that, Shane?”
He tells Marcus, about his mom, about the sounds that came out of her, about the sheets he saw his dad carry out of his parent’s room. About how pale she looked after, delicate. And his dad looked so scared.
Shane had been scared. And confused.
“I don’t want to, to put someone I love through that. And I don’t like that-”
Shane looks at Marcus, then away. Marcus usually makes Shane put the words together, but sometimes he’ll step in, say something and ask Shane if he’s got it right. Shane wants him to step in this time.
He doesn’t. Shane tries to order his thoughts.
“If Ilya and I have a kid, someone has to go through that.”
Marcus nods and marks something down.
“Has it bothered you before, when your friends or your friends’ wives have been pregnant?”
Shane starts to shake his head then stops.
He’d been Hayden’s friend before Jackie got pregnant with Arthur. He’d become friends with both of them. When Hayden told Shane, and their whole team, about Jackie being pregnant again, Shane had… maybe hovered, just a bit.
Shane had bought a lot of the things on Jackie’s baby registry. He’d been over to their house more often, learned how to actually play with Ruby and Jade. His mom had helped Shane set up some meal deliveries and cleaning services throughout the pregnancy and the first two months after Arthur’s birth, and it had become his go-to gift for new parents on his team, both in Montreal and in Ottawa.
He hadn’t been as…freaked out, when Jackie had Amber. He knew what to expect, and Jackie's pregnancy with Arthur, and then with Amber, had been relatively easy as far as pregnancies go. Or so they'd told Shane.
Shane shares all this with Marcus. Shane feels that he’s clenching his hands.
Marcus writes something down.
“Lets talk it out, what your options would be if you and Ilya decided to add children to your family.”
Shane feels ridiculously grateful for phrasing Marcus chooses to use.
“Surrogacy is… kind of messed up, right? Paying a person to… go through that for you, like they’re just-”
Shane just, can’t say more.
Marcus takes over.
“Okay, and adoption.”
“That’s… is it, really different? It’s taking someone’s kid?”
“But aren’t there kids who need better parents?”
He thinks about Ilya, after Irina was gone. Shane hates to think about that younger Ilya, all alone.
“Yes.”
“Okay, so, we see good and bad things about adoption. Any good parts of surrogacy?”
“I guess, you aren’t, aren’t, taking someone’s kid away….”
Marcus nods once.
Shane looks down at his lap.
“Is it bad that I'm still happy he can't...”
“That your husband won't go through something like your mother went through?”
Shane nods.
“Something very emotionally, mentally and physically difficult happened to one of the most important people in your life when you were very young. It is not unreasonable you would not want that to happen to your partner.”
Shane nods again.
“Shane, do you think this is something you need to worry about right now?”
Shane considers Marcus’ question. He’s been seeing Marcus long enough to understand the other man is not asking a rhetorical question. They both know Shane’s anxiety sometimes pushes him to worry about something that he does not need to worry about at all, or not yet, or not as much as he does. But Marcus doesn’t tell Shane he’s wrong if there is something Shane decides is a pretty immediate concern.
He just helps Shane work through it.
“No, not right now, but maybe soon.”
“Do you think it will help to prepare, or will it make it more difficult later?”
Shane shakes his head.
“Not sure.”
Marcus leans back nodding.
“Okay. Do you want to set any action steps for the next two weeks? They don’t have to be about this.”
Shane thinks about it.
“I think… I want to talk to Ilya about it.”
Marcus smiles at Shane.
“I think that’s a great action step.”