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Even in the darkest hours of the night, New York City was alive with movement. People and cars hustled and bustled about at all hours in the city that never sleeps. It wasn’t just the city that never seemed to rest, though; the same could be said for some of its residents.
Leo hadn’t slept in days. Every time he tried, his own thoughts plagued him. Though that wasn’t entirely fair; any time he tried to do anything, they came. Every quiet moment, every game with his brothers, every tiny slip-up, sent him into a spiral. If his brothers ever noticed anything, he would just laugh it off, say he was fine, and they would shrug and continue on with their days.
Typical Leo. Always laughing, always quipping, always the funny guy. He’d gotten so good at the act, even his own family couldn’t tell his smile was plastered on, his laugh fake.
He cursed them under his breath. Maybe if they’d been smart enough to notice, he wouldn’t have found himself standing on the George Washington Bridge in the dead of night.
But, no, it was unfair to blame them for his own failings. It wasn’t their fault he was so messed up.
He looked over the edge of the bridge, at the dark, murky water of the Hudson River below. Even with his shell, the fall would likely kill him on impact. If he somehow managed to survive, he would be too injured to swim to shore.
Donnie hadn’t even batted an eye when Leo had asked for the details of his own death.
How fitting, for a semi-aquatic turtle to meet his end in a river.
He hadn’t even left a note before he left. Maybe he should have. It wasn’t like they’d find it until the morning; Donnie was the only one who stayed up this late, and he never bothered to invade his twin’s room.
By then, he would be long gone.
He took a shaky breath, and hopped up onto the guardrail.
His heart thundered in his chest as he peered down at the inky darkness far below. The wind of cars rushing past behind him tugged gently at his bandana in a weak attempt to hold him back.
One more mutant, gone to the world. One less brother, but still three left.
Suicide wasn’t an uncommon death for mutants. In fact, Donnie estimated that 70% of them died by their own design.
Who would care if one more mutilated body washed up on the shores of New Jersey?
He tried to ignore the obvious answer to his question.
He shook his head, as if trying to shake out the thoughts that plagued him.
This was for the best.
No more suffering, no more dragging his brothers down.
Nothing more.
Even so, his breath caught in his throat as he pitched forward.
He closed his eyes, not allowing himself to fear the river below him, not allowing himself to regret.
The wind rushing past him drowned out nearly every sound. The only other thing he could hear was a muffled voice, shouting.
A passerby, he guessed, who didn’t know who or what he was. If they did, they certainly wouldn’t be shouting after him.
Any moment now, he would crash into the---
Arms wrapped around his torso. A flash of light, an instant before---
********
Leo awoke with a start, hacking and sputtering. He turned his head just in time to vomit polluted river water across the sand. The cold river still lapped at his feet as he rolled onto his stomach with a groan.
Was this the afterlife?
No, he was in too much pain for that.
So he was alive.
But how?
He opened his eyes, and they slowly adjusted to the low light of the night. He was on a beach, just south of the bridge, if he had to guess.
Something unusual caught his attention from the corner of his vision.
A hulking figure, lying unmoving on its side.
That wasn’t just any figure---
“Raph!”
Leo scrambled to his feet as fast as he could, racing only a few paces across the beach before his legs gave out, just a few yards from his brother. His chest, limbs, everything ached as he dragged himself across the sand.
He grabbed his brother’s shell, using the last of his strength to pull him onto his back. Leo all but collapsed on his elder brother’s chest, listening, praying for a heartbeat.
Slow and steady, there it was.
But Raph--- oh, God. He wasn’t bleeding, but the bruising---
He reached into his satchel, grabbing his phone. He scrolled through his contacts, got to the D section, and…
Calling for help meant admitting what he’d done.
He could already see Mikey’s terror, Donnie’s disappointment.
He looked from his phone to Raph, still lying motionless on the beach.
He had to get help. For Raph’s sake.
He hit the call button.
One
Two
Three rings.
“Hello, this is Donatello speaking---”
“Donnie, I need help.”
********
Raph was still unconscious by the time the tank got there. Of course Donnie had to bring Mikey in tow.
“What happened?” Donnie demanded.
“It doesn’t matter. We just have to get Raph back to the lair.”
Donnie narrowed his eyes. “Fine. But you’re going to have to tell me eventually.”
Leo knew he was right.
They drove back in silence, the only noise Mikey’s sniffling as he watched over their eldest brother.
It was a horrible thought. He knew it was. But secretly, Leo wished Raph might be brain-damaged enough that he forgot everything that happened.
He wished he could forget what happened.
********
“Raph will have to spend a few days in the med bay, but he should be okay.”
Leo let out a sigh of relief at his twin’s words, “That’s good to hear.”
“He woke up a few minutes ago. He’s disoriented, probably has a concussion, but he remembered exactly what happened.”
Leo stilled at that.
“How could you be so stupid?” Donnie spat.
He had never heard his brother so angry, “Look, I’m sorry---”
“Sorry isn’t going to cut it. You could have died. Raph could have died saving you.”
The words slipped out before Leo could stop them. “Then maybe he shouldn’t have tried to save me.”
“What was that?”
“Maybe I didn’t want to be saved.”
Donnie seized his plastron, hoisting him off the ground. Angry tears welled in his eyes. “You don’t know what the hell you’re talking about.”
“You don’t know me!”
“Of course I don’t! You think I haven’t noticed you acting off? That all of us haven’t noticed? We’ve seen the bottles in your room, we’ve noticed your wrists.”
“Then why didn’t you say anything?”
“We tried! You were the one who pushed us out!”
“Then maybe you should have tried harder!”
“Don’t you fucking dare try to blame us for this.”
Leo froze. He’d heard his brothers swear before, but never at him.
He fell hard on his ass when Donnie dropped him.
“I thought you’d talk to us before it got this far. We’re your brothers.”
“I didn’t want to hurt you.”
“No, you didn’t want to deal with your problems! If you didn’t want to hurt us, you wouldn’t have tried to kill yourself!”
Donnie’s breath hitched when he finally said the quiet part out loud. “Goddammit, Leo. You’ve always been so selfish. I just didn’t think it would extend this far.”
“I’m… I’m sorry.”
Donnie sighed, crossing his arms. He turned to leave, and made it about three steps before he turned back around and walked over to Leo.
“What are you doing?”
“I’m not going to leave you alone right now.”
“What if I want to be alone?”
“I don’t care. I didn’t look after you before, so I’m going to now.”
********
The twins sat outside the med bay for hours. Neither dared to say a word. It was only when Mikey finally pushed past the curtains of the med bay that Donnie got up and left.
Mikey stopped in his tracks when he saw Leo, sitting with his knees to his chest.
“Leo…” he whispered, just loud enough for his brother to hear.
Leo didn’t bother to turn around.
“Are you… doing alright?”
Leo only pulled his knees closer.
“What am I saying? You tried to---” He cut himself off with a choked sob.
“Look, I’m fine. Don’t worry about it.”
“But you’re not!” Mikey yelled, “How can you just tell me to not--- ”
“You’re just going to hurt yourself more by worrying about me!”
“Stop treating yourself like a burden!”
“I am a burden!”
“No, you’re not! You’re my brother!”
Leo dared to turn around. His heart ached as he watched Mikey sob. Had he really made his littlest brother cry?
“You’re my brother, and I love you and I need you. We all do.”
Mikey walked the few paces over to Leo, and sank to his knees, wrapping his arms around his older brother’s shoulders from behind. “Please. Don’t leave me.”
********
Mikey spent the next few nights on the floor of Leo’s room. Even so, Donnie poked his head in every few hours to check on his twin.
Leo couldn’t sleep.
Guilt tore at his stomach. Donnie was right. It was his idiotic decisions that had gotten Raph hurt.
He couldn’t muster the courage to enter the med bay. For days, he walked by, stopping briefly by the curtain before continuing on, clutching his bicep.
The brothers rarely talked, even though they almost never left Leo’s side. At any given time, Mikey or Donnie--- if not both--- followed him around. He wanted so badly to tell them to leave him alone, to give him time to himself, but he knew they wouldn’t let him. He’d lost that privilege.
It was on the third day that Mikey finally spoke up. “You need to go see Raph.”
“What? Why would he want to see me? I almost got him killed.”
“He sacrificed his own safety to save your life,” Donnie said, “The very least you could do is apologize.”
Leo stared down at the pizza slice he’d barely taken a bite of. He knew they were right.
His stomach ached as he trudged to the med bay, though he wasn’t sure if it was from stress or hunger or both. He looked over his shoulder, at his two brothers following behind him.
Mikey put a hand on his shoulder. “It’ll be okay.”
But it was already so far from okay.
Leo swallowed.
He was the leader. He had to be brave. If not for himself---
No. He had to be brave for himself.
He sighed, keeping his head low as he pushed aside the curtain that led to the med bay.
Every step echoed as he walked down the hall. The green sliding doors of the med bay seemed to tower before him. The walk there felt endless, as if it were getting further away with each step---
Leo practically jumped when the doors slid open before him.
Raph looked up from his phone.
“Leo. You’re here.”
“Hi.”
Leo could barely look at his brother, laying in the makeshift hospital bed. His left arm was in a sling, and there were bandages wrapped around his torso and right thigh. His body was otherwise littered with bruises.
“You can come over here. I won’t bite.”
Leo hesitated before forcing himself to take a step, then another, then another. His feet felt heavier with each one.
Exactly seven steps, and he found himself standing at his brother’s bedside.
The silence was deafening. Leo had to break it before it blasted his eardrums out.
“Look, I’m sorry. I was being stupid, I shouldn’t have---”
“Don’t apologize. I’m the one who should be sorry.”
Leo looked up. Raph refused to meet his eyes, instead staring at his lap.
“Why? You’re not the one who…” Leo trailed off.
“‘Cause I failed you. It’s my job to look after you, and I didn’t.”
“You’re not the leader.”
“You think I don’t know that?” Raph snapped. He sighed, “Look, I may not be your leader anymore, but I’m still your big brother. It’s my responsibility to care for you.”
“You shouldn’t blame yourself for my mistakes.”
“Was it a mistake, though?”
“Of course it was! You got hurt!”
“When you did it, though. It wasn’t an accident, was it?”
Leo swallowed. How was he supposed to respond?
“You knew what you were doing. So why?”
“I-I.” The words felt like cotton sticking to his tongue. He felt a hand on his shoulder.
“It’s okay. You can tell Raph.”
For the first time in months, Leo felt a hot prickling in the corners of his eyes, “I feel like a failure. No matter how hard I try, I can't be a good enough leader. Everyone’s depending on me, but I can’t keep everyone safe. Every time I try to do something, I fuck it up and someone gets hurt. I’m so scared someone’s going to die because I was being an idiot. I can’t even keep myself safe.”
“Leo…”
“I thought if I… if I died, then everyone would be safer without me---”
Raph wrapped his good arm around his younger brother, pulling him into a hug.
“You’re not a failure, Leo. Sure, you mess up sometimes, but so does everybody. It’s a part of being alive. You’re a good leader, just one who’s still learning, too.”
“You could have died because of me!”
“And I’d do it again. I’d do it a thousand times if it means keeping you safe.”
“Why?” Leo asked, his voice cracking, “Why would you put yourself at risk to save me?”
“‘Cause you’re my little brother. It’s my duty to protect you.”
“Fuck duty! It’s my job as leader to protect you too!”
“It’s also ‘cause I love you.”
Leo’s breath hitched.
“We all love you. Even if you weren’t our leader, we’d be lost without you.”
Hot tears slid down his cheeks, “I’m--- I’m sorry,” he whispered.
“Let it out,” Raph said, pulling him closer.
“I’m so sorry!” Leo sobbed, “I fucked up, and you got hurt and--- and---”
“You’re okay now. Everything will be okay.”
Leo wasn’t sure how long he bawled into his brother’s shoulder before the doors of the med bay hissed open. He looked up to see Donnie and Mikey walk into the room.
“H-how long were you waiting out there?” Leo asked.
“We were there the entire time,” Mikey said, smiling sheepishly.
“You were so preoccupied with your own thoughts that you didn’t notice us following you,” Donnie informed him.
Raph smiled, “Typical Leo.”
Mikey stepped forward. “Can we…”
Raph opened his arm, “Of course.”
Mikey immediately rushed into the hug. Donnie hesitated, but joined when his eldest brother waved him over.
Leo let out a shuddering sigh as his brothers held him close.
“It’ll be okay. We’ll be okay.”