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1.
[What does “love” mean to you?]
Soyo read the question over and over again, then simply close the book Tomori gave her.
Isn't this the kind of question teacher ask elementary student?, she asked herself, isn't this a philosophical book?
Recently, Tomori found an interesting philosophical book. She liked it so much that she even started to write song about it. Soyo was curious about it, so she asked Tomori if she could lend the book for a few days.
…
What would others answer if they were asked this question?
The white-haired girl loved matcha parfait and cats, and playing guitar, too. The vocalist loved collecting things, writing her thoughts as a poem, and singing. The drummer loved music and anything related to pandas. And there was Anon, everyone would agree that Anon truly lived up to her name (which is written with the kanji "愛"-"love") because Anon literally loved everything.
Then, what was Nagasaki Soyo's interpretation of "Love"?
2.
"Have you decided which university to apply for? I'm planning to do double major on business and fashion design so that I can create my own brand Anon Tokyo in the future. But music college sounds cool too! I'm sure everyone will be impressed by a college student who can do both designing and playing guitar. There's so much thing I want to do I can't decide."
As an unspoken rule for them, after every band practice session, Anon and Soyo always walked together to the train station. In most cases, they would chat about anything, life, school, cat, trend on social media, etc.
Anon would always be the first one to initiate the conversation, and Soyo would listen to everything she said then replied her with the same phrase over and over again ("uh huh, is that so") that Anon started to complain that Soyo's responses sound like those automatic message on shopping app.
"I remember Soyorin said you wanted to help your mom manage her company right, so maybe Business Management will suit you, or maybe Law, Economics and Business Administration. Wait, what's even the difference between Business Management and Business Administration? Aren't they the same?
Soyorin? Soyorin? Soyoriiinnn?"
Soyo was so absorbed in her thoughts to notice how silent she was the entire way to the train station. Lost in her thoughts of the book's question, Soyo was unaware of her lack of response to Anon's question.
Sadly, Anon mistook that silence for displeasure, interpreting Soyo's lack of response as a sign of anger. But, after recalling their recent times, she remembered she did not do anything wrong, nor say anything that made Soyo uncomfortable, right? Lately, they've been occupied by exams preparations and university application, and since this was their last high-school year, so they didn't have much time to hang out like before. But this wasn't the first time this happened! We all know how busy Japanese high-schooler get during their exam season, especially in a prestigious school like Tsukinomori and Haneoka.
Anon made sure that she called Soyorin at least 3 times a day, sent her good morning and good night every day, not to mention the occasional selfies too. Hmmm, is there anything else she forgot to mention? After overthinking for some time, Anon arrived at the worst possible conclusion: Soyo had lost interest in her, and her silence was deliberately distancing herself.
This couldn't be the truth, right?
Knowing that overthink might lead to misunderstand, it would be better if she just ask her directly.
She reached out to take Soyo's hand, looking at the other with a sad face, eyes glistening as if she had floppy ears and a hanging low tail like a cute puppy, then she asked,
"Why are you ignoring me, Soyorin? Do you hate me now?"
"Huh? W-what?", Soyo blinked, pulled back to reality by Anon's unexpected move.
"I was just called you but you didn't answer me nor my question! Why are you doing this to my vulnerable heart?", Anon pretended to be hurt, clearly exaggerating it just to tease Soyo, "My girlfriend ignored my question nor when I called her name! I think she hates me now."
"I-I didn't mean to. I was thinking about the book Tomori-chan gave me", then she added, "sorry"
"Waaahhh, Soyorin was thinking about other girl when she is next to her girlfriend!", Anon pretended to cry, "If Soyorin won't let me stay over tonight I'll never call Soyorin 3 times a day again."
"Ugh, fine", she replied, then glared at the pink-haired puppy, "you're so annoying."
3.
What was her life like before meeting Anon and the others?
For a long time, Soyo felt like she was just existing.
The Soyo at that time did not know what was "love"- the act of to be loved and to love.
She never understood why some people waited so impatiently for special days to come: her birthday, Valentine, Halloween, Christmas Day, or New Year's Eve. For Soyo, they were just another normal day passing by the same way all others did.
As time went on, Soyo eventually grew tired of celebrating those events. Part of it was because she had no one to spend with; the other reason was that since she couldn’t say out loud her thoughts, she had to pretend to be excited and to act like those occasions felt memorable when they didn’t, or the others would think she was a weirdo.
Nothing ever happened. Every day felt the same, repeated like an endless cycle. People always said high school was the most beautiful days in their lives, but for her, it wasn't.
She still remembered how every birthday was something special for her back then, when she had to wait a year, which felt like an eternity to her and in which so much has happened.
Is it because she lacked of love? of the "romantic feeling reserved for an important person" ? or "the happiness of sharing warmth an important person in our life"?
4
How did life feel like after Anon?
Until one day, that one person just walked into Soyo's life, unexpectedly and uninvited.
At first, she found that girl quite insufferable. Soyo saw her as nothing more than a means she could use to achieve what she wanted. She treated her with tenderness disguised by indifference and coldness. She was irritated by how loud and annoying that girl was.
In philosophy, Matter is understood as everything surrounding us, that exists independently of our consciousness, including animals, humans, the laptop on which I'm writing this and the chair I'm sitting on.
Matter is always in motion, even when it appears completely motionless. Engels argued that motion is an inherent property of matter, which implied that matter cannot exist without motion. Therefore, although we may perceive moments of matter at rest, in reality, motion is constant and unavoidable. In brief, matter is constantly shifting, whether we wanted or not.
As the time went by, something has changed within her, something was not the same.
Is that… her reluctance to say goodbye when they parted way at the station? Her wish to spend more time next to Anon? Or the warmth in her heart when she saw that idiot smile in that cute face? Maybe the excitement before their practice session and during the MyGO performance? Without realizing it, she began to grow fond of her.
Why did my chest tighten at something that shouldn't have mattered? Soyo asked herself, again and again, to the point it distracted her during her classes.
The time they spent together no longer irritated her. Instead, it became the highlight of her days. Since then, Soyo found herself looking forward for their practice sessions with eagerness. Coincidentally, Anon was the one who always picked her up from school to RING. Every lesson seemed unbearably long plus the fact that she had to put on a friendly face around her classmates, just made her impatience building up as she waited for the moment she'd see Anon again.
Being around her felt like relief like a desperate miner stumbling upon diamonds in a pitch black dark cave. Around her, life seemed lighter. Soyo didn't need to show her practiced smile, nor to care about how the other one would judge her anymore. She found herself smiling more easily, laughing more freely, as if she was finally like a normal person.
…
In the early days of their relationship, things got quite…awkward between them? Soyo thought Anon would be the one who always took the initiative and never held back anything, but turn out Anon easily got flustered around her, even when exchanging calls and messages, which Soyo found quite amusing and often teased her about that.
They still walked together to the studio and the train station, except that, their conversation always ended with an awkward silence and occasional glances from Anon. During band practice, the time their eyes met, even for a second, was enough to make them lose track of the song, resulting in playing off tempo or wrong notes and getting scolded by Taki.
One day, Soyo invited Anon to stay overnight at her house. Anon was flabbergasted at first, since normally she'd just go into Soyo duplex apartment whether she agreed or not and this might be the first, one and only chance, that Soyo invited her over.
They cooked dinner, doing the chores and watching movies together that night, nothing special happened until Anon turned her head around and saw that Soyo was staring at her. Gathering all her courage, she leaned over, cupped Soyo's cheeks then kissed her. After the kiss ended, they continued to stare at each other's face, unable to form any thoughts.
Soyo couldn't help but giggled.
"W-why are you laughing at me?", Anon felt the heat creeping up her face as she heard Soyo's giggle, "D-did I did it that bad?"
Didn't know Anon has this cute side to her, Soyo thought, She really looks like a cute puppy.
"No. I just did not expect that", Soyo answered, her lips curved into a teasing smile, "Anon-chan would have this cute and nervous side, like a puppy."
Anon flushes, but instead of backing down, she decided to return the teasing, "But since Soyorin's ears are burning red right now, she must like that side of me a lot, right?"
A hint of pink spread over Soyo's cheeks as she realized the tables had turned. What started as her teasing Anon, somehow ended with her being the flustered one.
"Sh-shut up", she turned away quickly to hide her blush.
"Soyorin, your face and your ears are even redder than before.", Anon still not let that slide easily, leaned in with a grin, "Soyorin is so cute when she's blushing."
Soyo turned her gaze back to the pink girl. Their eyes met, and Soyo realized that Anon was blushing as red as her too! Soyo had planned to fire back in return, but it seemed that Anon also realized how reddened her face was. They both laughed almost instinctively, as if their shared embarrassment made it easier to bear. People do say that when you're in love, you're not in your normal self, right?
"Hey you know, Soyorin, if just one of us blushes, it feels like you're caught doing something embarrassed right? But when that is mutual, it doesn't feel embarrassing anymore."
The contradictory words successfully made Soyo laugh louder, she didn't even bother to hide her blush nor her laugh anymore. "Anon-chan, that's so dumb, it doesn't make any sense if you think about it seriously."
"But there was a second when you were convinced right?"
"Your point being?"
"I mean that, it's normal for us as lovers to express their feelings to each other and there's nothing embarrassing about it. And since we promised we'll be together for life, clarity in communication is necessary to maintain a healthy relationship."
Soyo fell into silence. Would it be okay for her to express her true feelings? Can she love and care for the other one like a normal human, without fearing their disappearance and avoidance?
Now return to the question mentioned at the beginning, Soyo would put her first definition of love was "mutual feelings".
Soyo did not need to put on a kind and polite mask around Anon, and Anon also didn't need to put on a smart, reliable and the I-can-do-anything mask around her. Soyo soon discovered that Anon didn't just hide her nervous side but also her childish side. When they're together, and if no one was watching, Anon would cling to her like a 5 years old, always asking to be praised and stroke her head every time she did something remarkable or just simply help Soyo do anything.
If Anon was a puppy, would she be a Labrador or a golden retriever?, Soyo wondered. (Anon didn't know that Soyo set her nickname as "cute pink puppy" on her phone)
Anon also asked to be hugged to sleep, to hold hand when walking, to make her fruit sandwich as her breakfast and her lunch's dessert, to dry and brush her soft pink hair,… And how could Soyo ever refuse that expectant look and sparkling eyes ? Soyo was wrong. Taking care of Anon was more like taking care of a 5 years old kid than a puppy.
A healthy relationship must be built on mutual effort, so it's unfair when only one person benefit from it. Soyo had never been good at putting her true feeling into explicit words, she'd rather show it through actions and the way she treated Anon. And Anon knew that beneath that indifferent and nonchalant facade was a lonely fox who longed to be loved and cared for.
Is being a human simply be about loving and being loved in return?
If her first understanding of love was about reciprocal feelings, her second found meaning in shared warmth.
Soyo thought she only yearned for affection in words and gestures. She didn’t realize how deeply she desired the simple warmth of physical interaction until Anon offered it without hesitation.
Love was the simple act of holding hands, of the shared embrace and the kisses too. Soyo learned that affection wasn't only about feelings returned, it was about the comfort of being cherished, the warmth that could be felt against her skin.
In those tender moments, love stopped being an abstract concept. It became real, like something that she could hold, and that held her back.
So is this what being a human supposed to feel like? I think I don't hate it at all.
The act of thinking and defining what love is to her made Soyo felt like she was an elementary student. But Tomori, who is deeply interested in philosophy and plan to major it in university, explained that philosophy is kinda like answering questions of a curious 6 years old kid, like "which came first, egg or chicken?" or "why do we exist?" kind of question, but in a complicated way.
After discovering the warmth in their shared embraces, she found herself beginning to anticipate the days that had once meant nothing but ordinary days to her, slowly becoming the ones she longed for with the most anticipation.
For a long time, Soyo had grown accustomed to not caring. It happened almost every year that her mother is too busy with work to celebrate birthday with her, there have even been times when her mother forgot it until the next day. She couldn't blame her mother for that, she understood how busy her mother was, so she decided to convince herself not to have unnecessary expectations.
It's better to lower my expectations than to be disappointed, birthdays are just like any other day.
It was because of Anon that she gradually learned how joyful and warm it could be to celebrate those memorable events with someone she'd love and treasure for life. And Anon, considerate as always, would surrounding her with gifts and tenderness, turning those days into something unforgettable.
Anon always had her own way of surprising her, not just once but over and over again. It was never about how luxurious or extravagant her gifts were, but the thought behind it, the realization that Anon had been remembering every details of Soyo herself that left her stuttering in astonishment. Time after time, Anon proved that those days mattered.
But those events weren't just about gifts. Countless time Anon gave her gifts, using the most random excuse possible, like "5 months 27 days anniversary" or "I got a 100/100 today so I just want to shared my happiness with you".
In truth, what mattered more was the eager to spend those moments together.
Anon, who is obsessed with social media, every year she would come up with a new way to celebrate those days. In the early days, she took Soyo to attend orchestra concerts and a musical project called " Shoujo Kageki Revue Starlight", where the cast would sing while acting and fighting on stages, assuming that that was what rich girls from a prestigious school Tsukinomori like Soyo would enjoy. In fact, what Soyo found amusing more was watching Anon pretending to understand what happened on stage.
"Do you enjoy the show today, soyorin?", Anon asked as she reached her hand to Soyo to help her stand up.
She took Anon's hand, intending to say it was boring and she'd rather stay at home, but saying that would make Anon sad, since she had put effort on planning for today and even pre-ordered the tickets 2 months earlier. Soyo decided to just say "it was okay", then added "I don't mind if we just stay at home.".
"Heh, so soyorin just want to cuddle with me at her house? I knew it since the whole time you just stared at my face.", Anon teased.
"…"
"Soyorin? Soyorin??? Where are you going? Wait for meeee."
After that time, they just hang out in a restaurant Anon found on social media then went straight to Soyo's home. Anon always brought something to play with Soyo, sometimes board games, game console and there was time where she brought her guitar there and sing romantic song for Soyo (Anon did not know how much Soyo tried not to laugh).
It didn’t have to be extravagant, no need detailed plans, fancy restaurant, or any orchestra music . Just wandering on streets, laughing at random thing, stealing glances when the other wasn’t looking, finger intertwined and sharing small sillies conversations were adequate to make Soyo feel loved. In those small moments, she felt a kind of happiness that was real. The day itself became special not because of the event, but because they spent it together.
Epilogue:
"I read the book you lend me, Tomori-chan."
"Do you like it? I like how it approaches love and the beauty of it. I'm impressed that the author explains that while love is often associated with romance, its true essence lies in anything providing a sense of purpose, joy, and emotional connection. It does not necessarily be romantic feelings for another human in our life, it can be anything as long as it makes us happy, anything we enjoy or like very much, or the pleasure of engagement in an activity. Some would define it as a passion for something we would dedicate our whole life to it, others would interpret it as the affection for another person in our lives… Ah, did I talk too much?"
"Not at all", Soyo gently smiled as she replied Tomori, "Then, would you like to hear my answer of it? I think it could give you inspiration to write the new song."
"Of course! Thank you, Soyo-chan."