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“What’s up, losers.” Venus swaggered up to the other rocky planets. They were all in the middle of a card game. Earth’s moon was reading a book about himself. Pretty self-centred, but he was in no position to judge.
“Oh. Hey, Venus.” Said Earth, completely missing his new look. Whatever. Venus totally wasn’t annoyed. Not at all.
Mercury glanced up from his deck. “Woah! When did you get a ring, Venus?!”
That caught the others’ attention. Venus did a slow spin to show off his new asset. “Yup. Impressed?”
“How?” Mars looked confused. “I haven’t seen any large enough asteroids near you.”
“Oh, you know…” Venus smirked, “Let’s just say I had some help.”
“You got it from Saturn, didn’t you?” Earth said flatly.
Venus glared at him, but continued anyway. “Well, it doesn’t matter how I got them. I’m still one of the only two planets in the Solar System with a ring.”
They all heard a faint shout coming from the outer Solar System, but nobody bothered to acknowledge it. For once, they were too busy to mock Uranus.
“Well I used to have rings,” Earth argued. “And if the Earthlings keep going the way they’re going, I’m probably going to have them again soon.”
“It’s ‘ring’ singular, not ‘rings’ plural you dingus,” Venus corrected. “Saturn’s only got multiple because he has shepherd moons between them.”
“Oh my bad. Hey Luna, do you want to be my shepherd moon if and when my orbit becomes so polluted nobody can leave my surface?”
Luna set his book down. “Earth, your gravity would kill me.”
“Technically speaking, you’re already way past my Roche Limit. Especially since it’s canonically confirmed that you’re not even a Mercury’s distance away from me most of the time. Actually – now that I think of it – all four of you are way too close to me. If this was realistic, I would become the true ringed planet of the Solar System. You guys have WAY more mass than Saturn’s rings.” Luna ignored him and went back to reading. Venus was wondering if he should leave the conversation too. He only really came to fish for compliments before his new ring inevitably melted from his proximity to the Sun. Guess that was all out the window now.
“…Hey Mars,” Mercury turned to the red planet. “Didn’t you also used to have a ring?”
“Dude!” Earth hissed at the smallest planet. Mercury sent him a puzzled look despite Earth’s perfectly reasonable reaction.
“Not that I can remember...” Mars said.
“Ugh, you’re so lucky,” Earth whined. “I wish I could forget about that.”
“Ditto.” Venus muttered. He wouldn’t mind going the rest of his existence without ever being reminded of that incident. It took all his pride and strength not to shudder.
Mars was naturally perplexed. “What are you guys talking about?”
“You don’t wanna know.” The Venus grunted. Hell, he didn’t want to know. Why were Mercury and Mars of all planets the ones who got to forget the incident?!
“I was ashamed to be your neighbour for several millennia after that.” Earth added.
“As was I,” The faint sound of Jupiter’s voice carried across the asteroid belt.
“What did I do?”
“Which incident was that?” Mercury questioned. Earth leaned in and whispered something to him. It was too quiet for anyone else to hear. After a few moments, Mercury’s eyes widened. “Oh yeah! That incident! Jeez. I can’t believe I forgot…”
“What did I do?!” Mars asked again, more desperate than before.
“Look, I get that I’m the resident therapist and that I shouldn’t recommend suppressing your memories and emotions, but this is one of those instances where it’s honestly for the best.” The red planet gaped.
“Yeah Mars.” Luna chimed in. “That was really fucked up of you. I couldn’t sleep for years without getting nightmares. It’s honestly a miracle that anybody tolerates you anymore after that shit.”
“I… I… Wha..?” Mars choked on his words. He was clearly at a loss of what to say. Especially with this fellow planets nodding at Luna’s statement approvingly. Nobody even brought up the profanity.
“You know, I considered banishing you,” They turned to face the Sun, who’d apparently been listening in on the whole thing. “But I was worried for whatever poor soul you’d stumble across.”
- - - - -
Hundreds of astronomical units away, in the far reaches of the Solar System, one mysterious planet heaved a sigh of relief that he was living in the current timeline and not that one.
- - - - -
Mars looked as fed up as Venus felt. He turned to the asteroid belt. “Jupiter! What are they talking about?!”
“Uh…” The gas giant hesitated. Thick clouds, rolled down his surface, reminiscent of a nervous sweat. “I think that story is best saved for another time…”
“Forget this. I’m asking Saturn.”
“He has an even worse memory than you do,” Venus pointed out. “The guy doesn’t even remember how he got his rings.” And he knew, because he asked Saturn that question 15 minutes ago.
“I’ll just ask his moons, then. He’s got hundreds. At least one is bound to remember something,” he glanced back at the other rocky planets, “Say, do you guys know any of their names?”
Earth scrunched up his face in concentration. “I think he mentioned a Chrysalis once? I remember because it’s one of the stages butterflies go through.”
“Alright, thanks.”
Venus sighed. He just wanted to feel superior to everyone else for once in his life. Was that too much to ask for?
“Aw, don’t worry Venus,” Mercury floated forward with a smile. “I think the ring makes you look beautiful.”
“Seconded.” Earth grinned widely. “You are absolutely gorgeous, m’lady.”
“I hate you both.”