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“Whuh- Mercury?!” Mercury looked up from his phone to see Venus staring at him incredulously. Or at least, he assumed he was. It was kind of difficult to tell with all the hot red gas separating them.
“Oh hey, Venus.” He greeted casually.
Venus proceeded to make a series of baffled noises before he relearned how to speak. “But how?! We’re inside the Sun right now! Shouldn’t we both be like… vaporised?”
Mercury set his phone down. “Well, sure, it’s a little hot in here…” Venus snorted. “But you do know that a red giant’s outer layers can be even thinner than Earth’s atmosphere was 7 billion years ago, right?”
“Weirdly specific metric, but no. I didn’t.” Venus admitted. He looked back out at where the Solar System probably was. “So, you’ve trapped in here for the last few million years alone, then?”
“Oh no!” Mercury told him. “I’m not trapped. We can leave whenever we want.”
Venus popped halfway out of the Sun’s surface to see if he was right. The other planets were grouped together nearby. From the looks of it, they were hosting his funeral. It would have been more tender if the casket wasn’t currently on fire. Somehow.
Surprisingly, the gas giants were the most vocal in their mourning. Or maybe that was just because they were all boiling alive and in extreme pain. Venus preferred to think it was the first option, though. He made brief eye contact with Mars, who gawked at him. Venus backed back into the Sun.
He spun around with an accusatory glare. “Wait a damn minute! If you’ve been able to leave this whole time, then why didn’t you?!”
“Well, you guys went through all the trouble of planning a funeral for me, and I didn’t want to make things awkward…” Hm. Loathe as he was to admit it, Mercury made a compelling case. Venus did spend a lot of time writing his obituary.
“Okay fine! Whatever. But what have you even been doing in here, then?”
Mercury flipped his phone over so Venus could see. “I’ve been maxing out my clash of clans account.”
Venus squinted at the screen. Didn’t that game require internet? Wait. Scratch that. How was that device even still functional?! It was billions of years old for crying out loud!
“Wow. It’s cozy in here!” Venus and Mercury turned to see Earth, who was suddenly there for some reason.
“Don’t tell me you just got engulfed too.” Venus groaned at the same time that Mercury asked, “Wait, when’d you get a ring, Earth?!”
“Well, Mars said that he saw you popping out of the Sun to watch the funeral and I got curious.” Earth responded, completely ignoring Mercury’s question.
“That sounds risky.” Venus said, worried. “What if Mars was just seeing things…?”
“Oh, I don’t care!” Earth said, keeping his chipper tone of voice. “My life’s dead, my brother’s dead, and up until a few minutes ago, I thought the two planets who relied on me to keep their orbits stable were also dead. So, I don’t really have a reason to live anymore.”
“Well that’s depressing,” Venus muttered.
Mercury sighed. “Earth. Throwing yourself into the Sun is not the answer.”
They all looked around at their surroundings. “I think it’s a little late for that.”
“Okay… yeah…” Mercury admitted. “But you’re not supposed to be in here yet, Earth. I know it sucks, but you still belong out there. I’m sure Mars is waiting for you right now.”
“Y’know…” Venus interjected. “Maybe we could all leave? It’s gotta be way more fun than sitting in our orbits and slowly spiralling in towards the Roche Limit.”
“I dunno…” Earth disagreed. “I spent a lot of time writing your obituary…”
Venus picked Earth up and threw him out of the star’s corona. Or… well… it was more of a shove, since Earth had more mass than him. But since he was right at the edge, it did push him back outside.
“Alright. Good job Venus! Anyways, have you ever tri-“ Mercury was interrupted by Venus picking him up. Like, actually picking him up this time, since Venus was 16 times his size.
Venus hefted the rocky planet into the prime position, despite his complaints. With one strong burst of gravity, Venus flung Mercury with all of his might whilst screaming, “FORE!”
He then gracefully exited the red giant’s corona. Earth was sobbing while Mars was giving him the closest thing planets could do to a hug. Venus turned his gaze to Mercury, who was passed out next to a bunch of asteroids that were smushed together to look like bowling pins.
“Strike.” Callisto deadpanned. The moons, who were apparently in the middle of a game, seemed annoyed, but Venus didn’t care.
“Wait! You’re actually alive?!” The Sun squawked from behind him. He looked as gobsmacked as Venus had felt only a few minutes ago.
“Yeah. Turns out Mercury’s been doing nerd shit in your corona for the past few million years.”
“Oh.” He sounded put out. They looked back over at where Mercury was. Europa, Titan, Tethys, and Ariel were currently dragging him away from the court so Io and Dysnomia could set the pins back up. Ganymede was waiting impatiently with his bowling ball asteroid. The Sun aided the moons’ efforts by pulling the sleeping Mercury back towards him.
“So… any plans for our orbits?” Venus asked. “I don’t really want to orbit inside you again.”
“Yeah, that’s fair.” The star acquiesced. “You’ll probably have to find a spot past the Asteroid Belt. Maybe even past the Kuiper Belt.”
“I can live with that.” Venus said. What’s the worst that could happen? Besides going mad from the isolation and forgetting everyone he’s ever cared about, of course.
“Sounds good!” The Sun grinned. He then looked over at Earth and Mars. “Hey Earth! Do you want another moon?”
Earth tossed the tissue box aside and smiled like he hadn’t just been crying his core out. “Really?!”
Mars was a little more wary. “Uh. Not sure if that’s the best idea, Sun. He’s still mourning Luna.”
Without a second thought, the star tossed Mercury to the unsettlingly eager rocky planet. “Yippee!“
Venus decided to leave the unhealthy coping mechanisms talk to Mars and instead find himself a new orbit. Maybe he could even get one in the Goldilocks Zone again! The rocky planet passed through the asteroid belt, accidentally knocking the bowling pins down again. One of Pluto’s moons swore loudly. Venus didn’t care, though.
Despite bearing witness to his own funeral, he’d had a pretty good day overall. Or as much of a day as he could have, since he was tidally locked to the Sun. Still, it was nice that he no longer had to worry about his death as much as he had been earlier.