Chapter Text
Eddie Kaspbrak swears his heart almost stops when he sees Richie floating in the air above him.
His body is only lit by the deadlights in front of him and the light on Eddie’s head, looking up at him. Eddie is embarrassed by the scared gasp he lets out, absolutely terrified for his best friend.
He takes a step forward to do something when his foot gets caught on the spear he's holding. Wait… the spear he's holding. He looks down at the spear, then up at the clown paralyzing his best friend.
He would never admit it to Richie or the rest of the losers, but he doesn't know what he’d do if Richie died in this cave. It's insane to think that they only saw each other again a mere 24 hours ago. That's how long they’ve been reunited, and yet Eddie can't even imagine going on with his life without him.
It's that embarrassing thought that spurs him into action. He reels his arm back, ready to throw the spear, and shouts “ Beep beep motherfucker” before throwing it as hard as he can.
For being a weak man (that's what his wife told him), the spear — or whatever the fuck it is— hits its mark perfectly. It goes into Pennywise's mouth, choking him and making him fall onto one of the sharp thingys, completely skewering him like a kabob.
Eddie is whooping and cheering from the little cave he's in, actually jumping for joy, he's so happy.
Holy shit, Bev was right… It kills monsters!
He lets out another laugh, so proud of himself for singlehandedly killing a space clown.
He looks for Richie, the whole fucking reason he threw the spear, and sees him land on the ground with a concerning thud.
Nothing else matters anymore. Eddie is sprinting towards him, murmuring “shitshitshitshit” under his breath.
He doesn’t think; he throws himself on top of the larger man, completely bracketing his body with his own.
“ Rich! Hey, there he is–hi buddy!” he can feel himself absolutely beaming like an idiot when Richie opens his eyes to look at him. “ I think I got 'em Rich! I think I killed it-”
Suddenly, he's on his back and Richie is on him, opposite of where they were moments ago. He feels the wind of one of Pennywise's claws slamming next to him but he barely registers it (or the fact that the clown is very much still alive), he's so distracted by Richie's watery eyes and brilliant smile.
“ Rich-”
“I love you too,” Richie says it with tears in his eyes. His hand moves to cradle Eddie's jaw (the good side) and now they’re just staring at each other.
What the fuck? What does he mean, “ I love you too”? I don't love him– oh fuck.
It comes to Eddie a moment too late. Richie's lips are already on his by the time he remembers Ben and Beverly in the deadlights. How Ben had kissed Bev to save her, using the power of love or something.
His eyes are wide open the entire kiss. He thinks I kissed him out of the deadlights.
When Richie pulls away, he buries his face in Eddie's neck, which is admittedly a little adorable. Well… it would be if Eddie weren't stuck in this predicament. Richie thinks that the very fake power of love just saved him, when really it was a shitty spear that Beverly had pulled out of a clown's face.
It’s while he lies here with Richie borderline cuddling him, he remembers what happened with the leper at Mr. Keenes. How he had choked the leper, how he actually hurt it, scratch that–how he almost killed it. He doesn't know why, but it all hits him right then.
“ Richie, you gotta get up man I think I know a way to kill the fucking clown.” he says it with the littlest bit of a teasing edge because he feels bad making the bigger man get off of him after their “ love confession”.
Richie places another kiss on the smaller man's cheek and now Eddie wants to kill himself; he feels so stupid. So stupid he didn't remember what happened when they were kids, and threw himself on top of Richie after he just came out of the deadlights.
Rich finally gets off of him, causing Eddie to let out the smallest sigh of relief before he runs to the rest of the losers to tell them how to kill It.
They did it. They killed the clown and it was because of Eddie. He can barely believe it himself. When they all escape Neibolt, every loser gives him a hug and a watery thank you. Eddie can't help it… he cries. He cries for his friends, for the people he lost once and won't lose again, the people whose lives he just saved. Okay maybe that's dramatic but that's how it feels to him as he openly sobs outside of fucking 29 Neibolt.
When everyone is done embracing, someone suggests they go to the quarry. Eddie thinks that's an absolutely disgusting idea but he's too elated and frankly too whiplashed to care. He's experienced every single emotion in the last 20 minutes for fuck sake.
Richie interlaces their hands on the way there, making Eddie sweat. He's too happy about their victory to tell Richie no right now. Well… that and the smile Richie gives him when he slips his big hand into Eddie's smaller one. He looks like a little kid on Christmas. The smile lights Eddie up as much as it tears him down, reminding him he will have to correct Richie on what happened in that cave.
When we get to the quarry. When we get to the quarry I’ll tell him I don't love him that way.
For now he’ll let Richie hold his hand though. Not for him, for Richie.
For as much as he hated this idea, the jump into the quarry was surprisingly fun. Or watching his friends jump into the quarry he means. He and Richie are the last to jump, the other five of their friends all yelling at them from the water down below.
“ Are you sure you can do it Kaspbrak? Or do you need your mommy to come save you?” Richie is smirking down at him.
“ You know for a fact my mother is dead asshole,” Eddie spits, still smiling. “ And if you think I’m too pussy to jump you're about to be shocked.”
“ My panties are dropping right now Ed.s”
Eddie can't help it; he lets out a loud laugh. It was worth letting it escape for Richie's beaming grin.
Richie puts out his frankly ginormous hand, “ Jump with me Spaghetti?”
Eddie sighs but still interlaces his fingers with Richie’s.
After a countdown from all 7 losers, Eddie and Richie are flying towards the water. Eddie is screaming while Richie is cheering, and he’s sure he’s gripping Richie's hand so tightly he's hurting the bigger man.
But the moment is perfect nonetheless.
After a few childish splash fights, they’re all quieting down and splitting off. Bev and Ben (it seems like something happened between them in the cave too), Bill and Mike, Richie and Eddie, and Stanley floating on his back between all of them.
“ Hey Ed’s…” Richie is looking down at Eddie's hands cleaning his glasses, not his face.
Eddie holds in a sigh. He does not like where this is going.
“ I was thinking that after everything that just happened in the cave with the deadlights… maybe you could come to California with me?” It comes out so softly– or softly for Richie, which is just normal volume. He says it gently and hesitantly like Eddie is going to say no.
Eddie should say no. He needs to say no. He has a whole life in New York with Myra, and he doesn't even see Richie the same way Richie sees him. It would be cruel to agree–
“ Eddie, I want to be with you,” he takes Eddie’s hand, “ I love you.”
The smaller man looks up at Richie, his soft expression, his gentle grip on Eddie's fingers, and he weighs the options.
He could tell Richie the truth and fuck off back to New York, back to Myra. Back to the wife that tolerates him and the city that absolutely hates him ( there are so many fucking germs in New York)
Or… he could go to California with Richie. The warm climate, the spacious house Richie told him about at the orient, being able to see his best friend every day.
“ Sure… yeah, I’ll come to California with you.” He doesn't say “ I love you” back to Richie, and they both notice it and ignore it.
A grin spreads across the sharp planes of Richie's face, and before Eddie knows it the larger man is scooping him into a tight hug. He has to hold in a wheeze but he still loves it.
He wraps his arms around Richie in return, it's a little awkward since they’re both absolutely soaking wet, but still plenty enjoyable.
Richie takes his face out of Eddie’s neck and looks deep into his eyes, like he did in the cavern. Eddie is too flustered to push him away before his lips land on his.
‘Our first kiss’ is the first thing that rings in Eddie's mind. Not this is wrong or what the fuck.
Even though that's what he should be thinking.
It's their first kiss– well, second to Richie– and Eddie lets everything sink in.
Richie thinks Eddie loves him. Richie is in love with him. They’re now living in California together.
Eddie is royally fucked.
Eddie Kaspbrak is officially the worst boyfriend ever. And that's coming from the man himself. He’s four months deep into this charade with Richie, and it's probably the hardest thing he’s ever done. Well, obviously the second hardest to the killer clown but alas.
The first week was the worst by far. When Richie had carried Eddie into the house bridal style, Eddie regretted his entire life almost instantly. His best friend gave him a hilarious tour of his weird ass house with special “ Eddie exclusive" details and stupid impressions of an Aussie tour guide, much to Eddie's delight.
“ And this is the couch, where every cushion has stains on both sides.”
It was the most fun he had had in a long time. He had laughed until his stomach hurt, at one point leaning on a wall to hold himself up, he was cracking up so hard at Richie's dumb impression.
All of it faded when they got to the last stop on the tour. Their bedroom. That's what Richie called it. Their bedroom, not my bedroom. It shouldn't have shocked Eddie so much, seeing as they were allegedly in love, but it did. All the happiness from before was drained from him instantly; the only thing remaining was the stomach ache he got from laughing.
“ Spaghetti? Where’d you go?” Richie whined.
Eddie sputtered for a moment before choking out, “ Our bedroom?”
Richie immediately understood what his best friend (his boyfriend) was thinking.
“ Oh my god, I did not mean to assume!!” he genuinely looked panicked “I just thought, after everything that happened– you know what, I have a guest bedroom is that okay?”
Eddie just nodded and saw the brief look of disappointment on Richie's face, like he was expecting Eddie to say “ no one bed is okay!” He almost said it just to make fun Richie come back, but his boundaries came first.
What other things happened that terrible week? Thank you for asking! Eddie had to tell Richie he wasn't allowed to kiss him ‘because of his hypochondria’, he had declared himself asexual so Richie would never come onto him (he is not asexual), expressed that he did not want their relationship to be known to anyone not even the losers, and secretly stayed married to Myra so he had a failsafe for when Richie eventually dumped him.
The hardest thing about that week wasn’t the looks of sadness Richie gave him, the worst part was the never-ending support and love he received from Richie.
He said he didn't want to kiss on the mouth? Richie kissed his forehead and said, “Okay my love. Whatever you want.” He said he was asexual? Richie just nodded and said, “ Consider this dick on lockdown honey. I would be willing to never have sex again as long as I could keep you” (that one almost made Eddie cry). He said he wanted their relationship to stay private? Richie said, “Okay! That's good now I know you only belong to me”.
Did Eddie say he almost cried? He lied, he meant that he did cry. A lot. In his separate room across the hall from Richie's. After they said goodnight, after Richie had smothered his face in kisses without actually touching his lips and saying “ I love you” to nothing in return.
He went into his room and cried at least once a week because if he didn't, he would cry in front of Richie. Which could never happen.
He had hoped and prayed that after all that, Richie would break up with him. But no. That first week was hard on them both, but Richie came out stronger.
So yeah, getting back to the point, Eddie is the worst boyfriend ever. He doesn't kiss Richie, he doesn't make love to Richie, and he never says I love you to Richie. Ever.
It had been weighing on him more heavily than normal. With the holidays passed and the new year fully started, he couldn't help but feel bad about taking these moments from Richie. The Christmas morning where they facetimed the losers and Eddie made Richie pretend they weren't dating, or the New Year's where Richie couldn't kiss his boyfriend on the mouth to celebrate the new year, just a chaste forehead kiss and a small “ Happy New Year Ed’s.”
He had been crying in his room more often lately. The drab and barren room did nothing to help stop the tears, but for some reason he couldn't let himself decorate it as his own. Every time he thought about hanging up a painting or putting a bookshelf in the corner of the room, he felt so sick to his stomach that he immediately disregarded the idea like it had personally wronged him.
Richie is his best friend. Hurting him this way– this incredibly selfish way– was hurting his soul. It may seem from an outside perspective that Eddie is being selfless by being with Richie to make him happy, but that could not be further from the truth. Eddie was selfish because he cherished and loved every second he spent with Richie. He greedily stole as many moments and laughs with Richie as he possibly could, all the while knowing that Richie was in pain being led on by the man he loves the most.
Because the thing about moments is that they end. Immediately after they would share something beautiful, the dark cloud that was their “relationship” would come over them. Either Richie would reach out to his boyfriend to only be met with rejection, or Eddie would remember the truth and walk away before he could reach out at all.
It’s a toxic relationship. That's what it is. And Eddie is the cause of it.
The weight has become too much. And it's today that the weight finally crushes him.
Eddie needs to get this load off his chest. He needs to tell someone, just so he can get screamed at and feel something. It doesn't exactly make sense, but he thinks that maybe he’ll feel better with someone else on the inside.
The losers had already suspected something between Richie and Eddie–even if technically there's nothing there– so he figures that it won't hurt too much to call one of them.
He chooses Mike, no rhyme or reason, just a gut feeling that Mike would give him so much shit for this. For being a nice, gentle librarian, he was protective of his friends to almost a frightening degree. Thats exactly what he’s looking for, someone to rip him a new one. He hopes he cries.
He clicks on his little icon for him ( pinned at the top with the rest of the losers) and impatiently rocks back and forth on the edge of his bed, waiting for his friend to answer.
As soon as he sees that Mike answered, he doesn't let him get a word in; he just blurts, “ Mike, I gotta tell you man, me and Richie are dating, but I want him to break up with me. ”
There's about five terrifying beats of silence before a voice that's not Mike’s speaks in a shaky voice.
“ Hi…um… this is Bill?”
Eddie shouts several colorful expletives before sighing and replying in a deathly calm voice.
“Bill… why are you answering Mike's phone…?”
He hears Bill take a deep breath, “ because he's in the shower…”
“Okay? I thought you were in California right now, not New York.”
Another shaky breath. “ Yeah, I kinda… lied to you guys.”
Eddie absolutely does not have time for this. “ Bill, tell me what the fuck is going on so I can bother you with my problems.”
“ You know what I do really want to hear about these problems, why don't we cut to the chase–”
“ Bill.”
“ Fine, me and him have been hooking up, are you happy? Now spill this whole Richie thing.”
Eddie wishes he were shocked, but he's probably just as shocked as Bill was at the beginning of this terrible phone call (not at all).
“ We’re gonna circle back around to that when I'm done” is all he says until he blurts out “ but I'm really happy for you.”
He can practically feel Bill sigh with relief all the way from New York, “ Thanks, Eddie.” A smile threatens to take over the brunette's face, but he wills it away so he can take shit from Bill.
“So the Richie thing…” he doesn't even know where to start
“So the Richie thing”, Bill mocks him. Jesus Christ, he wishes Mike wasn't in the shower.
“ He and I have technically been dating for four months,” he breathes it out, like there was an actual weight on his shoulders just lifted off of him.
“ I’m so happy for you two! I had a feeling something was up–”
“ Bill, I'm about to say some really fucked up shit, and I need you to be quiet and listen.” he doesn't mean to be so rude, but he knows Bill understands him, how worked up he gets. They’ve been best friends since 7th grade, technically.
Dead silence from the other line. Perfect.
“ Richie thinks I'm in love with him because I saved him from the deadlights. He assumed I kissed him like Ben and Bev when we were kids. I didn't want to correct him and upset him, so I've been pretending to be in love with him for four months.” It feels so good to admit it to someone. Of course, it feels twice as bad saying these terrible things he's done out loud, but he's gonna take the win on this one.
Bill is still silent on the line, waiting for an okay. Eddie has trained him well. He continues, “ I’ve been hoping that he’ll just… dump me eventually? I've seriously been a terrible boyfriend, but he's nothing but nice, and it's killing me.”
Bill speaks up, “ May I?”
“ Yeah, go ahead big Bill.”
“Maybe what you should do is–” Eddie doesn't hear what he says over the minute sound he hears from behind him and the rushing in his ears. He whips around and… oh fuck.
Richie is standing in the doorway, smoothies in both his hands, one red, one green. Tears are silently trailing down his face, and he doesn't even pretend he wasn't eavesdropping.
“ You don't love me?”
Eddie stops breathing. He's terrified for about a million reasons. “ Bill, I gotta go,” he hangs up and chases after Richie, who's clearly on the way to their liquor cabinet. He grabs Richie's arm to be completely shaken off like he's a disgusting pest. At this moment, he's pretty sure he is a disgusting pest. Based on the sobs Richie is trying to smother while he throws open the cabinet for bourbon.
“ Rich, let me explain,” he pleads from the other side of their kitchen island, watching Richie pour himself a generous glass of bourbon.
“That’s not necessary Eddie,” he never says just Eddie, the smaller man absolutely knows he's in deep shit. “ You made it pretty clear on your little phone call you want me to dump you and– oh, lucky Eddie, you won't be waiting long.” It’s a little mean, but Eddie more than deserves it. It's mean but it only saddens Eddie, hearing Richie's voice try to sound angry when the tears are pouring down his face at an alarming rate. The strongest person he knows completely crumpled in front of him.
“ Richie, wait a second–”
“ What? Literally what else is there to say Eddie?” It's a rhetorical question, but the shine in Richie's eyes gives him away, just the smallest sliver of hope.
“ I– fuck– I said that because…” he deflates, “ Because I never loved you, Richie.” He says it as if it's supposed to make everything better– he doesn't know what the fuck else to do.
Richie's breathing is so heavy it's audible in the room. He already knew it was true based on what he heard, but actually hearing it come from Eddie himself must make it real. It's what makes him white knuckle the glass of bourbon, what makes the tears fall faster before he downs the whole glass.
“Never?” he gasps.
Eddie panics, his hands raking through his short hair, “ Richie please don't cry–”
“ No Eddie!!” he shouts, slamming the glass down so hard Eddie is shocked it doesn't shatter in both their faces. “You don't get to tell me to stop.”
Eddie nods– he's already done enough– and braces himself, his hands gripping the edge of the counter.
“ We’ve been dating for four months Eddie! You can't fake what we had, you can't” he gasps the last part like it's physically hard to get out. “You're really telling me you don't love me?” he whispers.
Eddie shakes his head. “ I don't," he mumbles weakly.
Richie lets out a sad sound that sounds like a whimper before continuing to yell. “ You know what, Edward?” Oh shit, ”I don't believe you!”
Despite it all, Eddie still scoffs, “ Oh come on Richie. I think I would know–”
“ Dead serious, Eddie, I genuinely don't believe you.”
Eddie crosses his arms as if he's saying Prove it.
Richie huffs out a laugh, like he's not standing there sobbing in front of the love of his life. “Well– shit– I see it in your eyes, Eddie. In the way you look at me,” he softens, “ was that fake?”
Eddie knows he's not allowed to answer. Rich is not going to let him get a word in.
“ The way you always do the dishes for me because of my bad knees, the way you buy me more ugly Hawaiian shirts even though you hate them, the way you fucking cuddle me on the couch when we watch movies like a damn koala, oh, and don't even get me started on New Year’s Eve.”
Eddie winces. He should have seen that one coming. Richie is referring to when, around 2 AM (after Eddie got plastered), Eddie climbed into the larger man's lap and begged him to “make sweet love to me Richie” before realizing what he was doing and throwing himself down on the ground.
“ You know I was hammered that night,” Eddie murmured.
Richie scoffed, “You're not even asexual are you?” Eddie sighs and shakes his head no.
The larger man doesn't even have a response. “ After all of that… you don't love me?”
Eddie can't deny the evidence is stacked against him. He can't deny that he loves Richie– in the platonic way. He loves every single second he gets to spend with him, loves his sense of humor, his loud style, and how much care and love he has for Eddie and the losers. It— Its not like that though.
Eddie, ever the coward, simply shakes his head and watches as Richie’s face falls for seemingly the sixth time in this conversation.
“ Then I’m breaking up with you,” he doesn’t even say it like it's a joke— like he does 90% of the time. It makes Eddie recoil, even though he should want this.
“ Okay,” he breathes, “ can I still stay here-“
“ No.” The word is powerful and heavy between them. “ Actually, I would like you to pack your shit and get the fuck out.”
And that's exactly what Eddie does.