Chapter Text
school was always hard on days when you couldn’t focus, couldn’t keep yourself in the present. you didn’t think much on it. shutting out your friends gossips during lunch break, zoning out during math, legs bouncing under the table, snacks that barely leave any taste in your mouth. you knew it was serious when you simply couldn’t pay attention in literature class. and you loved your teacher, loved the stuff you read in class. your state had gotten so obvious that jonathan had to ask you what was wrong during recess.
he called out your name as you walked back into class after a quick visit to the bathroom. “hey! what’s wrong? you seem kinda- off?”
you huffed out a breath. that was a word to describe it, off. last week over your house hasn’t been that easy. your parents fought, like constantly, there was barely any fresh food in the fridge **and to top it off your little sister was just beginning elementary school, causing her to be so anxious and dependent on you. you were lucky today at least. your sister was gonna be picked up by one of her friend’s parents after school. so you didn’t have to go home immediately, you had time for yourself. but it felt off. like you didn’t deserve that alone time. didn’t deserve to give yourself a break during a time when your father was absent, whose presence never really contributed much, your mother was drinking again, you thought she quit two months ago, and you were all your sister had in a house that was so lonely.
you gave jonathan a shrug with a tight smile. “stuff’s confusing at home- i guess?” you tried to laugh it off but he could always tell when stuff were wrong with you. the two of you had grown close over your shared love for photography and the clash. you seemed to be the only girl that didn’t treat him like a freak, he seemed to be the only boy that didn’t push when you said you weren’t into him, the only boy that understood when you said you liked other girls, and didn’t judge. and it was always fun to hang out with him, listen to music till your ears hurt, go out into the woods in hopes to snap shots of deers you spotted or just sit in silence as you shared one of the cigarettes he stole from his mom’s pocket. you knew he was different, different like you in a way, like he liked boys as a boy, but you never mustered the courage to poke him about it.
he gave you a shrug in return, his mouth shaped in an understanding smile and the two of you went back into the classroom as the bell rang. the last period didn’t seem to end, minutes stretching out when suddenly jonathan passed you a note from the seat next to yours. you looked at him in confusion only to see his teeth glinting in a giddy smile plastered on his face.
wanna eat dinner at our house after school? mom’s not taking the shift tonight, she might cook some stuff up :)
oh. you thought. dinner at jonathan’s sounded great. he knew you weren’t eating properly and it was very sweet. but there was a problem. jonathan’s mom. joyce byers.
no no. it wasn’t like you didn’t enjoy her company, it was that you enjoyed it a little too much. when she would prod you with questions about your life and family, about school. when she would pack you food alongside jonathan’s lunch because she knew you would barely bring anything. when she would invite you in whenever you came to pick jonathan up. when she would tell you stories about work because you could listen to her forever. that last christmas when she got you a gift too, the latest fleetwood mac cassette. when she knew what you liked, how you liked your food heated, what films you watched. when she hugged you or dropped a farewell kiss on your cheek alongside her two sons. when she asked if you wanted a ride to school. when she hanged your photo with jonathan and will on her fridge, colorful magnets scattered around.
everything she did towards you were so caring, so maternal, something you were not used to receive. your feelings on the other hand, dangled on something not so domestic. tethering on the edge of being platonic because you simply couldn’t live with yourself if you grew a full blown crush on joyce byers.
but the reminder of her presence in your head, the lingering taste of her meals, the warmth of her embrace hindered you from refusing. what could go wrong? you gave jonathan the thumbs up with a warm smile. maybe you could stop thinking about the guilt after all.
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you biked over to the byers house with jonathan, leaning your bikes against the porch and jonathan let the two of you in. you heard ms. byers speaking on the phone with the chief.
“i’m telling you hop, you gotta give the girl some space first. let her come and talk to you."
she saw the two of you standing in the hallway and her face immediately lit up. you could feel your stomach doing somersaults at the way she scrunched her face with a tiny smile. "gotta go now jim, the kids are here. i’ll call you back.”
you stopped paying attention at the kids are here. will wasn't home, he had told you he was gonna play d&d at the wheeler’s after school. she was referring to jonathan and you. suddenly everything that happened today pieced themselves together. suddenly you wanted to cry. jonathan writing “dinner at our house tonight" on the note he passed you, will telling you that he wasn't gonna come home early when he couldn't find his older brother, ms. byers calling you one of her kids. you didn't want to ponder too much on it but it was impossible not to. the way she was gazing over at you didn't help at all either. her eyes growing soft, standing up by the table to walk over to the two of you. she pulled jonathan into a tight hug to which he left out an annoyed squeak.
“mom!!" as he tried to squeeze out of her tight hold. “okay okay." joyce giggled. “then i will give [name] a hug. how about that?" she turned to you with her open arms and warm, huge brown eyes. you got shy instantly, drawing your thighs together from where you stood, your hands finding each other on your front, giving ms. byers your best sad, cute smile. " oh come here sweet girl.” she said, her arms flung open and around you, pulling you in. you held onto her flannel, letting her woody scent comfort you. she knew. and you knew that she knew in the way her hands soothed over your hair and she refused to let you go for a while.
jonathan was hanging your coats in the rack, coming back to stand next to you, now free from joyce’s hold. “so what's for dinner?" he asked his mother. then he adds, pointing a comedic finger towards you “i have an inkling this one right here might have not eaten well this whole week at her place." joyce gave you a stern look at that but it quickly morphed into a soft one when she saw your eyes gazing over the floor.
“hmmmm… how abouuut some mac n cheese?” she beamed "and i can heat up some meatballs that i had in the freezer!” jonathan nods enthusiastically and runs over to his room to get changed. "i’m guessing you wouldn't want any more takeout?” her voice was soft now, gentle in the way she spoke to you. her head lowered and she tried to catch your eyes. you nodded as an answer to her question, still not feeling very well. because why was she doing this for you? she didn't owe you anything, you didn't have anything to offer to her. you didn't deserve the care. "look at me sweetie.” she whispers without moving. "is that okay? would you like to eat now?” you started into her eyes in disbelief.
"yes.” you croaked out. "but why are you doing this?” you asked. "doing what?” you wanted to answer her but your throat was dry, eyes were getting better by the second. she noticed, of course she did. "oh-” she whispered "oh my sweet girl.” and this time you walked over to her, letting her arms wrap around your form, afraid of crying. "how about i make your favorite tomato salad and we talk a little after dinner?” you nodded in her embrace. she pulled you back a little and you stared up at her through your half open lids. “plus we would get real good protein and vitamins in our tummy this way. huh?” she said chuckling, tickling your belly with a single finger. you giggled, face heating up in shyness.
if you were being honest, you absolutely loved it when she treated you like a kid smaller than your actual age. jonathan wouldn't agree with you on this but the way ms. byers occasionally let you in as a caregiver was something you couldn't refuse, something you wanted more of. and she knew you liked it in the way you didn't protest like jonathan or will did when she tried to do the same with them. but your affection for her complicated everything.
“what do you say sweetie? you're gonna be the sweet, clever girl that you are and eat up your veggies?” her voice grew even more gentle, her finger booping your nose at the end of each sentence. you smiled up at her now, a bright, full of teeth smile.
“there you go baby. now go wash your hands and grab something comfy from my wardrobe as i make dinner for the three of us. okay?” you nodded sweetly again and rushed behind jonathan to the hall.
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you now sat on one of the stools in the byers house, wearing one of ms. byers’ flannels that fit too loose on you. she kept teasing you about it saying stuff like “aww is the little girl not big enough for grown up clothes??” which led jonathan to blush heavily, casting you uncomfortable looks. he tried to keep his mother from saying stuff like that with “momm stop it!” but you were enjoying her words very much.
you ate in front of jonathan as she sat in between the two of you. she had made some quick tomato sauce to go with the meatballs, the salad she promised and mac and cheese, which was practically her area of expertise by now. she made it everytime you came over with jonathan. and you were eating so quickly, not wanting the food to grow cold. just when you were about to finish the remaining of your food your fork slipped with your hurry and the pasta smeared onto your face and her flannel. shit. you scrambled in worry. your mother always got so mad when you made a mess of your clothes with your clumsiness. you tried to wipe it off quickly, hands trembling slightly until you heard both jonathan and ms. byers’ giggles from the other side of the table. you lifted your head in a question.
“it’s okay silly girl.” joyce reached over to you, grabbing the napkin from your still shaking hand, “here let me get it for you.” and she wiped your greasy chin and the side of your mouth. jonathan was still laughing and you cast him a dirty look paired with a playful pout. “it’s okay.” joyce spoke, dropping the napkin on the table, your face now clean. you looked down to her flannel with an anxious stance. “okay angel, we can deal with that after you finish your dinner like the silly girl you are. how about that?” you nodded and looked at her eyes. she gave you an endearing smile and reached out a hand, stroking your hair. all of you finished eating in silence.
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“common [name]!! let’s go to my room you need to listen to my newest mixtape!” jonathan told you. “not so quick jonathan. i need to give her a new shirt first, then the two of you can do whatever. alright?” ms. byers called over from the sink. jonathan gave a shrug to you and left for his room. you were bringing the plates from the table over to the sink. “oh sweetheart you didn’t have to.” she told you. “it’s okay ms. byers i wanted to.” you responded with a smile. “common, let’s get you changed up. i’ll deal with these later.” and with that she ushered the two of you to her bedroom.
you sat on the bed as she shuffled through her closet. you watched her talk to herself, your stomach tight with something you couldn’t place. she murmured half to herself, “not this, too colorful. not this. not this, too baggy. aha! this would do.” she said and turned over to you with a red plaid flannel that looked smaller than the one on you. “couldn’t you find this one on your own my silly little girl?” she asked and the shyness washed over you once again. hands still uneasy on your lap, cheeks flaring with the heat.
“you aren’t mad?” you asked, finally finding the courage. she walked over to you on an instant, eyes hazy. “why would i be mad?” she asked with that soft voice again. suddenly you wanted to cry. “i don’t know. i ruined your favorite flannel?” your voice was so small, your body closing up on itself. she put a hand on your shoulder and bent on the knees in front of the bed, her eyes level with yours.
“look at me sweet girl.” she said and you complied. “i would never get mad for something as small as this. i can wash it and the stain will just fade away. i have too many favorite flannels anyway.” you chuckled at that. “there you go, i need you smiling like this… plus, what matters the most is that you got your tummy full and happy now. finishing all of your big girl meal!” she was tickling you on the stomach like she did before dinner and you laughed again. her presence filled you with all the comfort you needed.
“you like it when i treat you like this don’t you?” she asked. you could feel she was getting nervous at that question too. “yes. very much.” you let out shyly. you would do anything if it meant her caring like this more for you. “i do too.” she confessed. “it reminds when will was much smaller, coming home with mike and playing board games.” she smiled, her eyes going blank for a second. you opened you arms and motioned to hug her, she got the message instantly and pulled you in for a warm hug. you held onto her, head resting on her shoulder blade as you inhaled her woody scent in a few breaths.
“okay now arms up! we need to change you.” she said, pushing you back gently. you complied once again, raising your arms high in the air. she lifted the shirt and threw it away, putting the new, clean one on quickly so you wouldn’t get cold. she smoothed the material and your crossed your arms in reflex, trying to warm yourself up. she giggled. “such a silly girl.”
“why do you keep calling me that?” you asked, not protesting because you didn’t ever want to stop being her silly little girl. “because you’re so silly at times. and i love to tease people i love.” she said and left the room with a smile plastered on her lips.
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“mom! mom! mom! look at the photo [name] took the other day at the forest!” jonathan shouted basically as the two of you came back into the kitchen after an hour or so. joyce took the picture from his hand. it was a photo of a baby deer laying on it’s mother’s belly. you were proud of that one, the two of you were rarely able to catch deers let alone a mother-child duo. “awww. that’s so sweet, look at the little one sleeping on top.” she said turning to you. “such a great one, good job sweetheart! i love it!” you gave her a shy smile, looking at your feet. “thank you ms. byers…” you said, gazing up at her now, “uhhh, do you have any sweets? we wanted to have some with jonathan.”
ms. byers pointed over to the kitchen counter. “yeah sure! there are strawberry chip cookies in the jar. and if you don’t like that, chocolate mousse cake in the fridge. karen came by yesterday, bringing them both… though she ate like 4 of the cookies just while talking to me…” she giggled. you skipped over to the cookie jar as jonathan got a slice of the cake from the fridge. “i have some homework to finish. you can do whatever you want meanwhile.” he told you. you nodded as he left for his room. you sat at the kitchen table once again, facing ms. byers now. she didn’t make you nervous, no. more like she calmed you down.
“can i keep this?” she asked, holding up your photo. “yeah, sure. we make a few copies of our nicer pictures anyway.” you said, voice small again because joyce byers was asking to keep your picture, validating, praising your work. she got up, walked over to the fridge and hanged your photo in between another one jonathan took and one of will’s newest paintings. you melted away in the moment, the way she let you in on her space, cared for you just like her own children. it was overwhelming.
“mhm, that looks beautiful up there. don’t you think so sweetie?” she turned back and walked towards the table. “now… i need you to talk to me, tell me what’s been going on.” her voice was gentler, encapsulating. you swallowed as images of your parents fighting in the kitchen, your sister wailing, cold food sitting in the freezer, your mother’s empty wine bottles came back flooding your mind. joyce reached out a hand over the table, holding yours next to your now empty plate of cookies you munched on within 40 seconds. her eyes were hazy, understanding, even a little glassy. “my mother-” you started, head laying low so that she couldn’t see your eyes. but she leaned her body further on the table and lifted your head with two fingers under your chin. “look at me sweetheart. it’s okay. you’re safe. you can look at me.” she tucked a hair behind your ear. you kept going, ignoring the hitching of your breath.
“…she started drinking again.” joyce nodded, keeping her hand on top of yours. “i thought she had quit. and… my sister is- god- she is i don’t know… not taking it well.” joyce listened silently, without interrupting. you tried to keep your eyes on her, not moving your head away. “and my dad. you know how he’s like… not much of a help either… i just- don’t know ms. byers. i try. i try my best to take care of my lil sis but nothing i do is enough. and it’s like i can’t save her- i can never save her. i feel so guilty because i can’t just take her and leave, away to a place where neither of them could find us. and i feel so guilty because i should do more. nothing i do is enough. i should be there with her tonight, she’s probably alone at home doing god knows what, alone and i feel so guilty-” you were full on sobbing by now and you just wanted to get up and sit on her lap and cry. on the other hand her heart ached for you. a girl your age, burdening such guilt that wasn’t even justified for. because there wasn’t anything you could do. she opened her arms, signaling for you to come by her side. “come here-” she let out and you couldn’t get up fast enough. you were hesitant but she held you and pulled you down to sit sideways on her lap. landing on just one of her thighs, one half facing her as you hugged her. your arms locked against her torso and you buried your head on her neck, letting your tears fall. she combed through your hair, drew circles on your back while whispering into your ear. she didn’t stop till your breathing calmed down, saying things like, “it’s okay baby. you’re safe now. i’m not going anywhere. breathe with me now.” into your ear. and you breathed, three in, hold and 4 out. she counted as you kept going. “you’re doing so good.” she said one last time before you pulled back a little, still hesitant to look at her in the eyes.
“i want you to listen to me now my sweet girl. there’s nothing you need to feel guilty for.” she said, looking directly into your eyes now. you wanted to drift your gaze away but she put a solid hand on your cheek. “nothing. do you understand? nothing you need to feel guilty for…” she swallowed. you watched the wheels turn behind her head, trying to soothe you in the best way possible. “i felt that way too.” she started. “with lonnie- i know it’s not the same but i felt there was so much more i could have done for my kids, for myself. back then. i felt so bad, so guilty-” you could see her eyes getting glassy now, her words wavering. you squeezed her side harder, signaling you were here. she gave you a tight smile.
“but there’s nothing you can do sweetie. nothing. you are- you are just a kid. you have nothing you need to feel guilty about… and you’re giving yourself way less credit than you actually deserve.” she chuckled with an inhale, sniffing her nose. “you’re such a smart girl. and you care for your sister, way more than your parents. you’re great at school, you take great photos, you always make sure to do your best. and i have to thank you for keeping jonathan company too. he has been having a hard time lately. ever since-” her words trailed off. she smiled brighter to you now, stroking your face and hair. you leaned into her touch with tears in your eyes, her words found their way to you like the morning sun, hopeful and shining bright every morning nonetheless everything. she leaned in to give your forehead a kiss, you sighed gratifyingly. “you’re enough baby.” she whispered one last time against your skin. “and just so you know,” she booped your nose sweetly, “if things ever get suffocating at home, you and your sister are always welcome here.”
you smirked up at her, teeth showing through. “can i-” you started, hesitant, “can i have some of the cake too ms. byers?” you asked, anxious thinking she’ll say no because your mother wouldn’t even allow the amount of cookies you just ate. but joyce patted your thigh in a playful manner and ordered “scoot up baby.” you got up quickly as she walked to the fridge and cut you a huge slice of the chocolate cake herself. she dropped the plate on the table with a soft smile hanging off her lips. “you can eat as much as you wish sweet girl, as long as you don’t get a tummy ache. because you deserve it. and sweets are always fine with me.”
you heart melted harder with every minute you spent in her house. like you couldn’t believe how lucky you got to be cared by someone like her. you ate up the cake quickly, making a little mess. you heard ms. byers giggling at you, standing with arms crossed in front and her eyes scrunched up.
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the night came to an end and you had to go back home. you said goodbye to jonathan in his room and went to see yourself off. just as you were about to grab your coat and bike back home joyce walked over to the porch.
“just where exactly do you think you’re going? i’m dropping you off.” she said, matter-of-factly. “but ms. byers i can just bike-” you tried to protest. “no buts. i’m gonna pick will up from karen’s too. just pack your bike in the trunk.” you stared at her, mouth agape. you knew she has been wary about letting her kids go out after dark, ever since what happened with will. but seeing it first hand was truly an experience. “common silly girl.” she said, closing your open mouth with a quick hand, “the bike is not gonna get in the car by itself.”
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the road was pretty short, and quiet other than the low humming of the radio and the whooshing of the trees outside. joyce parked the car right outside your house and turned to you just before you left. “i’m serious honey. you should come over more. don’t hesitate. pick your sister up whenever your parents get weird and i will cook the four of you kids some dinner from time to time. okay?” she said her voice soft, her hand finding yours on your lap, giving them a squeeze. “i don’t want to be a burden to you too ms. byers.” you said, looking at your entwined hands on your lap. “look at me baby.” you heard her say and your head lifted up on it’s own. “you’re not a burden, not to me or to jonathan or will for that matter. okay?” you looked at her, a little shocked but heart filled with warmth. you instinctively went in to hug her and she returned it, pulling you in one last time. you tried to memorize her scent to keep you company in the lonely night. but she already let you keep the flannel you were still wearing. that would be enough, you thought.
“now, make sure you go to sleep early and get enough of it. alright angel?” she asked when you drifted back. she placed one last kiss on your hair. you perished under the warmth of her lips, nodding softly. you finally got out the car, taking out your bike and waving her off from the yard as you watched the car drive away.
you didn’t even want to think about what was going on inside the house just behind you. you wished you could stay on the porch forever. not here. but not exactly there either.