Work Text:
Richard brought me back to the hotel that night.
By the time we had gotten a treat, my adrenaline had run out, and I felt like I was asleep on my feet. Richard offered to guide me back to the room, which I was very grateful for, as I couldn’t remember the room number. We trudged through the first floor, and I didn’t care if anyone stared at us.
“I am sorry for keeping you out so late,” Richard apologized as we stepped into the elevator.
I yawned, shaking my head, and rubbed the sleep from my eyes. “It just hit me all of a sudden. I haven’t been sleeping well.”
Richard didn’t need to ask me why. We both knew that the stress and fear of the last few days would be difficult for anyone to sleep through. He nodded, probably as a way to acknowledge he had heard me. The silver doors shut in front of us, and Richard pressed the button.
The elevator bolted upward, and the sudden movement made me stumble. Richard reached out, pulling me forward so we were hip-to-hip and holding my waist to keep me upright.
“Sorry!” I quickly said, gaining my balance.
Richard told me it was no concern and moved his hand away, which should have prompted me to step to the side. I didn’t.
The elevator ride was quick, and the door opened back to the familiar floor I had seen for the first time a few hours before. He nudged me with his hand, prompting me to move, and I did without thinking. There was an elegant rug right outside the elevator, and just my luck, the toe of my shoe caught the edge, and I was falling forward.
Before I could even understand that I was in danger of a possibly broken nose, Richard had me around the waist, pulling me back.
“Seigi, be careful,” Richard gently scolded me, but his arm remained around my waist, and he guided me forward.
It was a strange feeling in the way it wasn’t strange at all. Richard’s arm around my lowerback, his hand innocently on my hip, didn’t feel invasive. It felt comforting, almost like I had been buckled into Richard’s body as we moved, so I didn’t tumble to the ground. Which I suppose meant I was thinking of Richard as a car, probably a green Jaguar.
I was clearly tired if I was comparing Richard to his car.
We approached the room, and Richard swiped the key, opening the door in front of me. I walked in, but paused after I crossed the threshold and felt Richard’s body leave mine. I turned, confused, and found him standing in the doorway.
“Richard?” I asked.
Richard didn’t move. I wasn’t even sure he was breathing. He had just been in this room a few hours ago while I had been embarrassing myself… no, I hadn’t embarrassed myself, had I? I had been honest and vulnerable, which still felt like embarrassing myself, so what had changed between then and now?
I was tired. I was so tired and confused and staring at Richard. I wanted to say, ‘Aren’t you coming in?’ but I wasn’t sure why he would come in. What would be the point? To sit with me and talk? Watch the night sky from the expensive hotel room and wait for the sunrise?
Or, perhaps, to ask Richard to tell me again how he loved me so much he couldn’t help himself? Ask if that was all angry talk or if he meant it. Ask what kind of love he meant? Ask if this warmth in my chest was also burning in his own?
He said none of those things, but instead sighed. “I think it would be wise for you to take tomorrow to rest. Job hunting will still be there next week.”
No, right, that would be a cruel thing for me to ask. I was simply tired and had a very long day.
But…
“Richard-”
He took a step back, and I felt like the air had been taken from my lungs without my permission. I reached out to him, but Richard took a second step back.
“If anything happens, call me. I believe your phone charger is in there, so please charge it. Anything at all, I will answer.”
A strange passing emotion crossed Richard’s beautiful face, like a spark of lightning in a dark night. So clear and bright that its memory lived on in my vision.
I tried again. “Richard-”
In English, Richard interrupted me. “Good night, Seigi. Sleep tight.”
He turned, and I watched him walk down the long hallway. I watched until he turned the corner and disappeared from my sight.
I sighed, feeling like a fool, and shut the door.
***
I woke up at nearly three in the morning feeling like I had been hit by a truck. My head felt stuffy, and my chest was heavy. It hurt to breathe. I groaned as I got out of bed and stumbled to the little table for a drink of bottled water. My throat burned as I drank it, and I coughed at the sensation, which only caused me more pain.
I tried to find some pain relievers in the few boxes that were brought over while we searched for a new apartment, but came up short. I was tempted to message Richard, but I didn’t want to disturb him, as it was early in the morning. Saul had said that Richard used to be someone who liked to sleep in, and though I didn’t know if Richard still held that habit, I decided it wasn’t fair to assume.
So I got back into the unfamiliar bed and closed my eyes, hopeful that I would feel better when I woke up.
***
I did not feel better.
It was almost eight am when my phone rang. I sat up too fast, and the world spun ever faster. The loud ringing seemed to penetrate my brain and rattle around like a snake. I quickly answered just to make the noise stop.
“Good morning, Seigi.”
It was Richard, thankfully, as his soft voice couldn’t hurt a fly. Well, not physically, but he often throws verbal scolding my way, but truthfully, I didn’t mind it, because it meant I had Richard’s eyes and attention on me.
I tried to clear my throat to answer him, but it felt swollen and sore. If I tried to act cool, perhaps Richard wouldn’t notice how horribly I felt.
“Good morning.”
“What’s wrong? Are you ill?”
I wasn’t sure why I thought I could get away with it.
“I don't know,” I said, my voice sounding hoarse. “I woke up like this.”
“How long have you been ill? Why didn’t you call me?”
“If I’m ill, why are you scolding me?”
Richard “hmm’d’ and I could hear him tapping his fingers against the counter. I wondered if he was in the store yet.
“Do you need me to bring you anything?” Richard asked.
Sure, Richard, let me just ask more of you after you’ve done so much for me. You saved my life last night in multiple ways, you reconnected my relationship with my step-dad which made my piece of shit father get off my back, brought me to his hotel, and more than likely would be doing the heavy lifting of finding me a new place to live, and I dare to think I could ask you to bring me some cold medicine?
“No, I think I just need rest.”
Richard loudly inhaled. “You are stubborn.”
“I am very sorry.”
“No, you are not. If you were sorry, you would tell me what I can do to help you.”
“Richard, please,” I sighed. “It’s just a headache. I am going to take a shower and take a nap. I will be good as new after that, I promise. Yesterday was just…”
I didn’t know how to say what yesterday was, or what the yesterdays before that were. Richard must have understood, for when he spoke again, it was with a new softness he didn’t have before.
“I understand. Rest.”
I thanked him again before saying goodbye. I then set my phone on the nightstand, took in a breath, and felt my stomach heave. I managed to get to the bathroom just in time to throw up. I almost regretted all the rich food I ate with Richard yesterday.
After a time, when there was nothing more I could have in my body, I pulled myself from the toilet and melted into a puddle on the bathroom floor. The tile was cold against my cheek, and I let myself rest there. If Hiromi knew I was doing this, she would certainly give me a talking to about how gross bathrooms are and that the bed was only a short walk away. Come to think of it, Richard would say the same thing. Funny how similar they could be.
I didn’t know how much time passed when I found the strength to push myself up off the tile. I worried that I had fallen asleep, and with how the tile formed squares on my bare arms, I wouldn’t doubt it. There was no clock in the bathroom, so I was living in a space where time was meaningless.
“A shower,” I whispered to myself. “I told Richard I was taking a shower.”
I suddenly grew nervous at the thought that I had told Richard that. Was that too much to tell Richard?
I wasn’t sure. I mean, it was clear I took showers. Most people kept up with their cleanliness. I wondered if Richard took showers or baths as I tore off my shirt. He looked more like someone who took a luxury bath with bubble bath from Italy and towels from Russia or something fancy like that. Was Russia known for its towels?
“You aren’t making sense.” I took off my bottoms and let them fall by my discarded shirt. “You don’t know anything about anywhere.”
Which wasn’t true. I knew alittle about England now. I had even been to England. I knew that Richard grew up in a large manor estate with servants and fancy clothing, and stayed up late into the night talking to me while we were there.
I knew what his lips felt like against my cheek.
I shook the thought from my head, groaned at the shot of pain, and told myself to let it go.
The bathroom had a large tub separate from a standing shower with large glass doors. I decided on the shower because I didn’t want to wait for the bath to fill. I reached in to turn the shower on and waited for it to heat up before I stepped inside.
“I hope Richard is proud of me for taking care of myself,” I said.
The shower filled up with steam, and I leaned my head back to have the hot water try to soothe my pounding head.
It didn’t help.
Instead, I felt cold, as though all my blood was leaving my body. I was so dizzy, far dizzier than I had been. I tried to lean forward, afraid I would fall backward, but lost my balance. I reached out for the wall and collided against the glass shower door. I felt it latch open, and it was almost like I was gliding through the air.
The last thing I remembered was thinking, “If Richard were here, he would surely catch me,” before everything went black.
***
The next thing I remembered was cold hands grabbing my shoulders and shaking me. It was a strange feeling and quite unlike being on a roller coaster or an airplane. I would say it was closer to being in a hammock.
“Seigi!”
I heard my name being called as though from far away. It sounded like Richard was yelling at me from down the block, which would be funny, as he seldom ever yelled. I had perhaps only heard him raise his voice a handful of times. He much preferred using his gift of a harsh tongue over volume.
“Over here,” I mumbled. Or at least I think I mumbled.
He called my name again, only closer now, and in a tone I hadn’t heard before.
Things got blurry after that. I was being lifted in someone’s arms, that’s about all I knew. I couldn’t quite see what was happening, but I realized midway through the walk that it was because I had my eyes closed. I groaned, knowing that Richard would think me ridiculous for making such a foolish mistake. I blinked, trying to push away the hazy fog, and found myself looking up at a very pale, very familiar, very beautiful face.
“Richard?” I muttered.
But he was setting me down on something quite soft, and it was the comparison of such comfort that I realized I was shaking rather violently, which wasn’t good. Upon further reflection, I discovered I was naked.
I tried to reach for the covers, ashamed to be in such a state in front of Richard, but he returned moments later with an armful of towels. His eyes looked frantic as he sat on the bed next to me, threw a towel over my head, and scrubbed.
I whined, trying to get him to stop as the motion was causing chaos on my pounding head, but he hurriedly moved the towel over my body. I had seen this once, when a neighbor's dog gave birth in an alley, and a kindly housewife used a kitchen towel to rub the silent, seemingly lifeless puppies alive. I learned later it was to warm them up, which made more sense than the alternative answer I had: ‘magic.’
“Richard.” I tried again, but it only prompted him to wrap his arms under my bare back and pull me into a seated position on the bed.
My head felt too heavy, and when he brought the towel around to my back to scrub my shoulders, I went limp against his chest. My damp hair spattered against his clean suitcoat, and I saw that his white button-up was also wet.
Oh, that was most certainly my fault.
“Emperor…” I tried to joke, but it came up as a cough, which turned into a loud, hacking fit.
Richard threw the damp towels from the bed and wrapped his arms around me. I tried to protest that this was more than crossing a line, but then Richard was pounding on my back with a cupped hand, a loud ‘bop!’ noise following each attack. I didn’t understand why, but it seemed his efforts were helping, as my coughing was actually making some sort of progress in the sluggish feeling in my lungs.
“Damn you,” Richard whispered in English as he continued to pound on my back. “You stubborn fool.”
I wanted to tell him he was right, of course, he was right, I had once again gone against his wishes, but I was too busy coughing so hard I felt like I would puke again.
When the fit passed, I lifted my head enough to see I had ruined his shirt completely with my tears, spit, and whatever he managed to get out of my lungs on top of the water mess.
I managed to pull back slightly to finally see him better, and I was surprised by what I saw. Richard didn’t look angry, no, but an emotion even deeper than that. I could only label it as devastated. Tears rimmed his eyes, and he looked both determined and distraught. My heart clenched, and my face burned knowing I had done that.
“I told you to call!” Richard snarled, speaking again in Japanese. “Why are you such a reckless man, Seigi. What would you have done if I hadn’t come? Where would you be now?”
Richard’s expression was stern, and the attention he bore into me made me feel warm.
“I’m sorry-”
Before I could say what I was sorry for, he was bringing me back into a tight hug, thankfully pulling me into his dry shoulder. I tried to hug him back, but I didn’t have the strength. Instead, I nuzzled against his neck and breathed in his scent, clean and sweet and gentle.
I heard a strange noise, like a sharp intake of breath, and I realized that he was crying.
I had made Richard cry.
“Please don’t-”
I really couldn’t get a word in edgewise without Richard cutting me off. He held me out at arm's length without wiping away the few tears streaking his face, and scanned my face as though he was making a decision. Finally, he grabbed a few of the fluffy pillows, stuffed them behind my back, and guided me back until I was in an inclined position. He grabbed the blanket that had been discarded on the bed and carefully put it over me, apparently unconcerned with my nakedness.
I, on the otherhand, was very concerned about it.
“I’m sorry you are seeing me this way.”
Richard shot back. “Be quiet.”
Right. I could do that.
Finally, Richard found my wardrobe and, after digging around, selected items he seemed satisfied with. He placed the clothes at the end of the bed before removing his suit jacket and unbuttoning his shirt.
I sputtered out something, and Richard responded with a gentle ‘you got my shirt soaking wet,’ before pulling the shirt from his hands and discarding it on a nearby chair. He was in a white undershirt and his suit pants, and I was surprised that seeing him outside of his normal attire didn’t make him any less beautiful.
I also noticed he was no longer wearing his shoes, which made me feel a little less exposed. Richard instructed me not to move, and I didn’t have the energy to disobey him. He moved into the parlor area, and I could hear him seemingly ordering room service before the language shifted into one I had only heard him use with Saul.
Great. I remembered the story Saul told me about a younger Richard learning that Saul was a doctor, and I could deduce that Richard was likely getting some sort of telehealth diagnosis for me. I thought I should be annoyed, but I really wasn’t. Not even close.
Richard’s blond head popped around the corner a few times as he spoke, his face stoic, as he checked in on me. Each time, I would offer a little wave, and he would nod before turning back. I thought that one day, this would be funny: me naked in bed after passing out in the shower and Richard furiously calling Saul to find out what was wrong with me.
Well, maybe it would be funny. One could hope.
I must have dozed off for a few moments as I woke to the sound of a tray being set on the nightstand next to me. I could smell the gingery shogayu and saw another bowl with what had to be okayu. There was also a pill bottle of what was clearly an over-the-counter product, and far too many bottles of water.
He opened the pill bottle and handed me a few pills before giving me a water bottle. I took the pills, grimacing as they went down, and then took a few more sips of water.
“Let's get you dressed,” Richard said, his tone much softer than the last time he said anything to me. “What would be easiest for you?”
My mouth went dry when I realized he meant to help me dress. I told him I could do as much, but he glared daggers at me.
“I had thought you could take a shower by yourself, and you proved me wrong,” Richard said as he grabbed one of my plain undershirts. “I shall not make that mistake again.”
I groaned but accepted my fate. Being out of the hot water and in bed, I felt far more ridiculous over the whole incident. I hadn’t expected to faint in the shower and frighten him, but I obeyed by lifting my arms over my head and letting him pull the shirt down. Next, he grabbed the pair of briefs, and I felt like dying all over again.
“Seigi,” Richard said softly as he came closer to me. “If it's more comfortable, I can turn around while you put these on.”
“Yes,” I said rather quickly.
Richard nodded and handed me my underwear before turning around. With the blanket still over me, I attempted to put them on, and I am sad to say, I struggled. Reaching down made me breathless, and after my third attempt, I began to cough. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see Richard tensing, but he remained facing the other wall.
Screw it. I was in far too much pain to care if Richard saw me. Hadn’t he already?
Oh goodness, he had already seen me. He had seen me passed out in the shower, naked as the day I was born. The lines of our professional relationship were blurred a long time ago, but I apparently erased them completely.
“Could you help me?” I asked.
He immediately turned around with a gentle grin on his face. It wasn’t one of ‘I told you so’ but the same one he wore when I answered one of his questions correctly about gems. A ‘Good for you’ expression, only this one was reading something different. I would say it was almost grateful that I allowed him into my vulnerability.
Feeling either very brave or rather foolish, I pushed back the blanket. Richard reacted as professionally as anyone could, and it made me wonder whether he had training in caring for the ill. He swiftly dressed me, making me feel neither embarrassed nor overexposed, before replacing the blanket and adjusting the pillows.
“May I sit next to you?” Richard asked.
I nodded, and was surprised to see he meant on the bed next to me. He sat on the edge close to my waist, and he lifted the shogayu and brought it to my lips.
“I am told this drink will help,” Richard said.
“This isn’t royal milk tea,” I answered.
Richard smiled with a little chuckle and said. “No, dear Seigi, it is not. You get better, and I will make you all the royal milk tea you can handle.”
“I would much prefer that I make it for you.”
“Hush. Drink.”
I drank it, doing my best to deal with the harsh burn it left against my throat. It was only a little sip, but Richard was satisfied with that.
“What did Saul say?” I asked, my voice barely a whisper.
Richard placed the cup back on the saucer and rubbed the space between his eyes.
“Do you tend to have low blood pressure?”
I told him no. In fact, I was pretty boring medically. I seldom got sick, so being ill twice in Richard’s presence was already a strange thing.
“I am happy to hear that,” Richard answered. “Saul said he couldn’t tell without seeing you, and reminded me that he was not licensed in Japan, but if he had to wager a guess, you either have or are on your way to developing pneumonia.”
“Is that bad?”
“It could be.” Richard crossed his legs, and even though his foot was pointed away from me, I found myself entranced by the pale flesh of his feet. I had never seen his feet. I had seen his hands hundreds of times, but his feet? Then I thought, I had seen his knees? No, surely not. His stomach? What would be the reason for me to see any of these parts?
“Are you listening?” Richard asked.
“Sorry,” I answered. “My mind is foggy.”
“I can imagine. Saul thinks that the hot water was a sudden shock to your immune system. He suggests you rest, and if you don’t start to feel better, we should seek medical attention.”
“I will do that,” I said, then pointed to my phone. “Let me just message Shimomura-”
“Allow me.”
Richard took my phone, and after some back-and-forth, I allowed him to type up a message to Shimomura requesting notes for the next few days of classes. Richard then had me take a few more sips of the now lukewarm tea before he told me to rest. I watched him move to my belongings, rummage through a box, and pull out a paperback novel of Hugo’s Les Misérables.
“What are you doing?” I asked.
“Reading.”
“Oh yes, I see, forgive me for my confusion.”
“Always glad to help.”
I groaned. “You do not need to wait on me.”
“I am aware,” Richard answered.
“What about the shop?”
“Don’t worry about the shop.”
“Richard.”
“Seigi.”
I eventually gave up. It was clear Richard would not be leaving, and I was far too tired to argue how he should run his business. Instead, I thanked him, closed my eyes, and fell into a deep sleep.
***
I woke up to a soft beeping noise. Richard had something pressed against my forehead, and his eyes were focused on it. After a moment, he pulled it away and wrote something down on a little notepad with the hotel’s logo on it.
“Is it bad?” I asked.
Richard shook his head. “It isn’t great, but not yet worrisome.”
“I feel I’m already worrisome enough for you.”
The beautiful man before me let out a very soft chuckle, though I doubted it was because I was funny. It sounded more relieved. He sat next to me on the bed again.
“What time is it?” I asked.
“Four in the afternoon.”
“Seriously?”
“Quite.”
Richard helped me up and offered me water. I sipped it, thankful for the cool sensation, and was even more thankful when Richard guided me back to the pillows and placed a cold pack under my neck. Just like he had at the hotel in London, he placed his hands under the cold pack and then placed his chilled fingers against my warm face.
“This feels familiar,” I said.
Richard nodded, not looking me in the eye. The air felt tense between us, and I hated the feeling. To me, Richard was comfort and safety, and to feel the buzzing of discomfort made me feel worse than whatever illness I had.
Richard repeated the process, cooling his hands and then placing them on my face and my neck, before I felt brave enough to say anything.
“I’m sorry.”
Richard’s shoulder flinched, which was not the reaction I wanted.
“Please don’t apologize to me,” Richard said, cupping my jaw and pressing his cold fingers against my skin.
“You said I should call, and I didn't.”
Richard moved his hands to lightly cover my eyes, and his cold skin felt heavenly against me. I let my eyes flutter shut.
“You don’t owe me anything,” Richard whispered.
What a lie.
I answered him. “I owe you the world.”
Richard’s hand left my skin almost like my body was too warm for him. I blinked hard, staring at him, and found he was staring back at me. We were both motionless, frozen in a moment I didn’t understand that held such fire to burn us.
I did owe him the world, and I would happily give it to him, but suddenly I feared he didn’t want it.
Finally, he answered. “You need to take more medicine.”
Richard handed me a few pills and a bottle of water. I took the pills, took a few sips of water, and handed them back to Richard. He immediately rose, said he had a call to make, and left the room.
I felt like crying, but I had nothing left in me, so instead, I slept.
***
I was in my apartment again, on my bed, staring up at my ceiling. I sat up, took in a deep breath without pain, and placed my feet on the floor.
“Now, what was I looking for?” I asked myself.
I looked around, searching for the unknown, but I couldn’t remember what it was. I looked under my bed, in my small kitchen, and out the window, but nothing appeared.
So I went back to my bed. I sat down and let out a sigh. Something felt missing. Something felt wrong. Someone was missing. Perhaps that was what was bothering me so much. I had to find this missing person.
Instead, I heard a voice.
“I am doing all that I can!”
That was Hiromi’s voice.
I stood quickly and turned to my kitchen, and gasped when I realized it wasn’t my kitchen at all. It was the kitchen of my childhood, and suddenly everything felt really tall, or maybe I was really short.
I heard her voice again, only this time it was a plea for someone to listen. I spun around, trying to find her, and then there she was, cornered against a dark shadow of a man.
“Mama?” I called out in a way I hadn’t since I was a little boy.
I could see how she covered her face, a learned action, and the shadow had its hand raised.
His hand.
My biological father’s hand.
He found me. He found us. All of Richard’s work had been for nothing.
In my hand was the knife—the one I had bought and then thrown away. I must have kept it.
I wasn’t scared this time as I raced forward, holding the knife above my head, because I knew what I had to do this time.
This would end with me.
Except I blinked, and I was no longer a young boy doing his best to protect his mother, but the man holding a woman against the corner. There was no time to stop the blow that landed against her cheek with my open hand. Her face was forced to the side, and she covered herself with her hands.
“No, no, no!” I cried out, looking down at my hand, now an angry red, and dared to look back at her face.
Except it wasn’t my mother, but a beautiful man with blue eyes and golden, sunflower hair. Across his pale face was a handprint, and tears fell down his face just like they had in the hotel bed. I watched the two tears falling, dripping down to his white button-up shirt, leaving a wet mark behind.
Then, he was gone, and I was alone, and it was no one’s fault but my own.
***
The dream shook me awake, and I gasped. The sudden intake of air did not help the burning in my chest, and I began to cough. I tried to settle it, but honestly, it just made it worse. I tried to reach for the water, but the damn bottle knocked off the nightstand and landed on the carpet.
My fit alerted Richard from wherever he was, and in a few short moments, he was there, helping me sit and pounding on my back. He guided my head against his shoulder, letting me use him as a crutch as my body shook.
“Better?” Richard asked when the coughing settled to mild throat-clearing.
I nodded against his shoulder and finally exhaled, feeling a little less congested but no less embarrassed. The room was dark, and I imagined it was rather late. I coughed a few more times, just to make sure there was nothing left. It appeared my body was taking a break from torturing me.
When it was over, he helped me stand and stayed close behind as I walked to the bathroom. I moved quickly in there, as I was sure he had his own personal timer on how long he thought it would take me. When I opened the door, he offered his arm.
I looked at his bare arm and realized he was still only in his undershirt. I wanted to ask if he needed me to run to wherever he was staying and grab an extra change of clothing, but then I realized I had no idea where that was. However, he would probably lecture me on doing such strenuous activities while ill.
I felt too distant to turn him down. My head hadn’t quite caught up to my body, and I couldn’t get the dream out of my head. Even after Richard had helped me get back into bed and offered to feed me some okayu, my nerves couldn’t seem to settle.
I looked at Richard, at his beautiful features and his kind eyes, and wondered if I ever could lay my hands on him.
The thought made me want to puke because I knew deep down, I could hurt anyone I wanted to. I remembered the holes in the wall, punching my pillow until fluff flew out, the schoolyard fights that Hiromi didn’t know about. I knew the anger I could feel if I allowed it, if I was weak and unable to fight it.
I could hurt Richard.
“Stop.”
I blinked, focusing on Richard’s face, and tried to determine if he had really said that, or if it was in my head.
He granted me serenity by repeating himself. “Stop, Seigi. Whatever is bothering you, stop thinking about it.”
“Wha-”
“You talk in your sleep.”
Oh. That was something I didn’t know.
“...”
Richard cupped my face again, and his thumbs traced along my cheekbones. “Stop. Rest. Please.”
I tried to speak, but the words came out cracked, broken. I was too tired to cry, too tired to explain the images in my head, the fears in my heart, so I rested. I didn’t sleep, but I kept my eyes closed and breathed. In, hold, out. In, hold, out.
While I did that, I heard a soft humming. It sounded like a jolly tune, bright and springy, but still soft. I thought I had led myself into a delusional state with my focused, forced breathing, but no, that couldn’t be it.
It was Richard, humming, and he still held my face and rubbed my cheeks, my forehead, down my nose, and around my mouth. He was massaging me, and it should have been wrong, but it wasn’t. It couldn’t be with how relaxed and safe it felt. Just Richard, humming and touching me in the dark, and nothing was wrong about it.
I tried to think of the conversation we had in this room just the day before. Richard telling me I wasn’t my father, that I had to value myself, all of it, but all I could think of was Richard’s softness against all the parts of me I wanted to cut away, reshape, and make into something presentable.
Eventually, Richard left my side, and I heard him talking on the phone in Japanese. It must have been to room service as I heard him mention a cold pack and some more tea.
I wondered what he had done the entire time I had been sleeping. Reading my book? It seemed like a Richard thing to do. I was certain he would have at least done a little bit of work on his phone. I pictured him sitting on the chair next to my bed, typing up in languages I didn’t know existed, talking to people around the world about gems I hadn’t learned about yet, and he was stuck here.
A sudden thought tore at my heart.
“Richard?” I called out.
Richard returned to my side, and I realized his hair was a mess. Tusseled, like he had been running his hands through it. It would be cruel of me to ask him this question, especially with his guard being down. I met his eyes and saw the exhaustion, and I wondered how one person could get so exhausted from sitting at a bedside all day.
Perhaps it wasn’t the type of exhaustion that came from physical activity, but something deeper.
I was a horrible person for what I was about to do to him.
“What would you do if I wasn’t here tomorrow?”
Richard blinked a few times, but he didn’t look outright shocked.
“You need to rest,” Richard answered, avoiding my question.
He did this from time to time, but, unfortunately for him, I didn’t have the fortitude for it right now.
“Would you go back to Hong Kong?”
Richard tsked me. “Lets end this discussion.”
“Sri Lanka? France? London?”
“Stop.”
A knock at the door interrupted any further pressing I was planning on doing. He went to the door, and to my surprise, it was not a hotel staff member, but Saul.
“I have not done housecalls in a very long time,” Saul said as he set a black bag on the little table and pulled out a stethoscope. “So if you are faking an illness to get out of work, I will be very upset with you.”
I tried to argue with Richard that this wasn’t necessary, but Richard didn’t defend me. Instead, he assisted Saul by providing whatever medical device from the bag that Saul needed to determine my illness.
I was embarrassed for Richard to see me go through the motions of a check-up, but I did as Saul asked me. I took deep breaths when he placed the cold stethoscope to my chest under my shirt, and I opened my mouth wide when he told me to. Richard didn’t offer me any kindness by looking away when Richard asked about my bodily functions.
Finally, Saul set down his items and gave a decisive, “It appears you are suffering a mixture of acute bronchitis and dehydration. I can see why Richard likes you so much.”
He went on to say that the best course of treatment was to drink plenty of fluids and rest. He lectured both Richard and me that bronchitis could turn into pneumonia if I were not careful. Saul then instructed Richard to go down to his car and grab a tea blend for me to drink to help clear my lungs. The moment Richard was away, Saul turned to me and gave me a very stern look.
“You need to let Richard take care of you.”
“Huh?”
“I said it in Japanese, so I’m not sure what there was to not understand.”
“He has been a great help, but I’m sure-”
“I’m not saying that for your sake.” Saul shook his head as he clicked the black bag shut. “You are very lucky to have Richard at your side, but he is just as foolish a boy as you are. Consider the gift you have been given, and then immediately reconsider whether it is even a gift, but rather a possibility for you both to grow up. Do you understand?”
I didn’t think I understood at all.
Saul sighed and shook his head again. I feel like he shook his head a lot around me. “Many colleagues in the medical field report that after traumatic events, their patients will grow ill. Usually, the common cold, or if they have chronic conditions, pain, and flare-ups, forces them to rest. Oftentimes, there is so much that must happen after a traumatic event that they don’t allow the care they need, and their condition worsens. Seigi, you are being given that chance. I suggest you take it.”
Saul said nothing more to me, and when Richard returned, they briefly discussed the business. Richard didn’t put up any fight when Saul suggested he stay here with me, but he did argue when Saul told him to let Saul handle his customers for the next week. After a back-and-forth, Richard agreed to allow Saul the first half of the week, and they would check in to see how I was doing afterwards.
So much fuss over me. It really was a strange thing. Then again, before this illness, they were already making such a fuss over me.
I had never felt so seen and so much like a nuisance in all my life.
Richard made the tea, which, shockingly, was a blend so strong it nearly made me gag, but it did wonders for cleaning up my sinuses and throat. I asked about a shower, and Richard glared at me, so I figured I should avoid that conversation for now.
Instead, Richard walked up to the wall across from the bed, and after pressing a button, a television popped out of the wall.
“Unless you want more sleep?” Richard offered, and I shook my head.
He turned on an old black-and-white movie and sat in the chair next to me. I wasn’t sure what was going on in it at all, but I let myself drift into a hazy state of relaxation. My pain relievers were helping, and Saul’s tea had finally allowed me easy breathing.
I might have fallen asleep anyway for one moment, a beautiful woman was dancing with a beautiful man, and the next, the credits were rolling.
“Did the movie have a happy ending?”
Richard didn’t answer me, and I turned to find him sleeping in the chair. His arm was propped up, elbow against the arm of the chair, and his chin was resting in his hand. He looked as though he had been watching the film with his eyes closed.
I pushed myself up to a seat position, ignoring the throbbing in my head and heaviness in my chest, and lightly touched his knee.
“Richard?” I called out.
Richard groaned, his brows furrowed, but he opened his eyes. I pulled my hand off his knee.
“Do you need something?” Richard asked, his voice deep with sleep.
“I didn’t want you to get a sore back from sleeping in the chair.”
Richard smiled. “Don’t concern yourself with me.”
“I would say the same to you, but I feel you would call me an idiot.”
“I might.”
“Of course.”
I looked over the large bed I was in and had a wild thought.
“I think the bed is large enough-”
“No, Seigi.”
“I really don’t mind. I’m very used to sleeping more than one to a bed. On karate trips, we often slept three to a bed.”
Richard shook his head. “You do not need me crowding your space while you are sick.”
“I really don’t need you developing a spine issue because you slept in that chair.
Richard laughed, and the feeling made me feel better than all the pain meds in all the world.
“I don’t think issues develop that quickly,” Richard assured me. “I can also sleep on the floor.”
“Now that isn’t fair.”
But Richard was already grabbing pillows out of the closet and an extra blanket. I argued with him that this was dumb, but he made himself a little nest right there on the floor. I even told him that if he was worried about catching it, he was already screwed because I had literally coughed all over him multiple times.
His mind was set, and I knew there was nothing to change it. While I couldn’t get him to sleep in the bed, I could at least get him comfortable.
“I know we are not quite the same size,” I started, motioning to the boxes of clothing, “But you can wear any of my clothes to bed. Sweatpants should fit you if you tie the strings tight.”
Richard made a dismissive sound, but he must have realized that while his fitted suits were comfortable in the short term, it would be very tricky to get decent sleep in them. He sorted through my clothing, picked something out, and went into the bathroom. He reemerged in a pair of black sweatpants and a black T-shirt.
Wow, that confirmed any last wondering thought of ‘could Richard ever not be beautiful’ for he was gorgeous. Also, I felt as though my fever had risen by seeing him in clothing that I not only had worn, but that I owned.
Richard was in my clothing.
How strange.
How… interesting.
“You look flushed,” Richard said and took my temperature again. He was pleased that it had gone down.
After ensuring there was nothing else I needed, he bid me a good night and made himself comfortable on the floor. I closed my eyes and hoped I could make myself comfortable as well.
***
I did not make myself comfortable.
A coughing fit woke me up at nearly three in the morning. I tried to hide it well enough not wake Richard, but in my attempt to get out of bed, I got myself tangled in the sheets, and I managed to fall onto the floor. The sound of my body colliding with the carpet was loud enough to force Richard immediately to my side.
“What are you doing?” He hissed at me as he tried to free me and keep me upright.
I couldn’t answer as I hacked up what felt like my lungs, and eventually Richard got me untangled from the sheets. I think in his haste to pound on my back as he had done before, and probably because I was moving like a startled cat that was unaware I was free from my own fabric prison, he pulled me into his lap. My legs went on either side of his body and wrapped around his back, and he threw my arms over his shoulder. We were chest to chest, and I realized as he continued his ministrations of beating me up that I had never been this close to a person in my adulthood.
As before, my coughing stopped, and I rested my forehead against his shoulder. Richard kept his hands on my back, and there we sat on the hotel floor.
I let out a deep breath and breathed in a new scent. I could smell Richard, like fancy soap and tea, but also my clean clothes. It was mixed, as though I had thrown them both into a blender and bottled it as a new perfume. It was nice.
I stayed there, just breathing and enjoying the feeling of not coughing, when I noticed Richard’s hold on me tighten.
I must have tensed, as he quickly loosened, but in my confusion, I held on tighter, which forced him to hold on tighter. I’m not sure what childish boyhood desire to do the most caught me, but I squeezed as tight as I could around his shoulders, digging my face into the side of his neck, and hoping that this wasn’t a dream. To my great joy, Richard held on just as tight.
I tried to think of something to say because I couldn’t just enjoy a moment, could I? I thought of the cufflinks and the gem that rested in them.
“The rebirth isn’t going too well, is it?” I tried to tease against Richard’s skin.
Richard let go of me, and I silently cursed myself for ruining the moment. His hands remained on my shoulders, and mine on his, and we looked at each other from an arm's length. His blue eyes danced over me, which he must have struggled with, as the only lights were the ones coming from the neon of the hotel sign out the window.
“I’m not sure about that,” he answered. “You surprise me often.”
I shrugged. “I don’t see how that is possible. You seem to know my every move.”
“Not even close,” Richard answered.
He slid himself out from under my legs and rose to his feet. I apologized for the closeness, and he just made a motion with his hand as though I shouldn’t worry about it. I was still worried about it. I was so worried about it that I thought I should say something.
But that isn’t what came out of my mouth as he held out his hand for me to take.
“Will you share my bed with me?”
Richard flinched, clearly startled, but didn’t pull his hand away. I took it and used his support to stand on my feet.
I continued my request. “I think I will feel better if the guilt I feel seeing you sleep on the floor is gone. The bed is roomy enough to provide plenty of space.”
Richard didn’t give me a verbal answer and instead guided me to the bed before moving to the open side and joining me. He sat up, looking mildly concerned as his eyes met mine from where I was lying propped up by extra pillows. He looked so young in my clothes, so uncertain, and it was a strange thing to see from a man older than me.
For once, I almost felt like we were on equal footing, but then I remembered even if Richard didn’t possess his good looks, charming smile, and eloquent voice, he would still be far beyond beautiful.
Here he was, outlined with red neon and with his hair in his eyes, bare feet and elbows, crossed leg on top of the covers, and looking at me like he was waiting for me to do something. Anything.
I had to do something.
I think the fever got to me. I had heard stories that a fever could boil your good sense if you let it go too long.
“I love you,” I whispered. “I love you so much, I can’t help myself.”
Richard shook his head with a scoff, and he wiped his eyes with the edge of his hand. “Please don’t, Seigi. I am not in a good state and will say foolish things.”
Well, I was also in a not good state and was already saying foolish things. He might as well join me.
“If you were gone tomorrow, I’m not sure what I would do,” I said, continuing the conversation from earlier.
The sudden switch brought Richard’s head upright. “Stop.”
“I know it to be true,” I said, and I laughed. “I experienced it. Richard, I would search the world for you, and you know it is true.”
“Seigi-”
“And if you weren’t in this world, I would search the universe. I would follow your trail of gems until I can find you. Whether that be as your friend, your colleague, or something deeper, I would be by your side, however you would have me. Does that make me a fool?”
Richard was fast when he needed to be. One moment, I was looking at his outline against the window, and the next, I was swept up into his arms and cradled to his chest. He was under the covers now, and our legs were tangled, and my skin touched his skin. I could hear his heartbeat, steady and strong and alive.
“You are such a fool,” Richard said, his voice thick. “I am a fool. We are both fools.”
I turned in his arms so I could dig my face against his heartbeat. His hand went into my hair, gripping not to cause pain or even pleasure, but just for something to hold onto. I brought my arms around him to press my palms flat against his back, and I didn’t know what to do next.
I had shown him all my cards in my hand. I had proven I was an idiot boy who would be an idiot man and follow him until there was nowhere else to follow him to. I wanted to explain that he didn’t need to do this, he didn’t need to appease me. I would still appreciate, adore, and admire him as much as I do right now, but he was holding me so tight that I could do nothing but accept it.
Something was still pulling at the back of my mind, though.
“How did you know I had fallen in the shower?” I asked, my voice muffled by the shirt.
“I didn’t,” Richard answered. “You hadn’t texted me in a few hours and didn’t answer my calls. I was worried.”
“You didn’t seem worried,” I said. “You were pretty mad at me.”
Richard’s hold on my hair loosened, and he moved to rubbing circles against my scalp.
“I was terrified,” Richard whispered, “Seeing you on the floor, unconscious… I thought you were lost to me again.”
“Lost to you?”
“Put yourself in my shoes,” Richard explained. “I had a sinking feeling you were getting ready to quit much earlier than planned for weeks, and then you drop it on me that you were, which obviously I suspected with Jeff’s information, but hearing the words was still a dagger.” Richard sighed, and I felt his chest rise and fall, which I decided was a wonderful feeling. “I do not own you by any means, dearest Seigi, not in any aspect. Your life is yours and your decisions should not be influenced by me, but I would be lying if I did not say that your actions, good or bad, I feel deeply.”
“Same,” I answered, and yawned. “I just can’t say it as pretty right now.”
Richard laughed, and I soaked in his happiness. I wondered if Richard would eventually roll to the otherside of the bed and if he snored. Suddenly, I grew nervous that I snored, but then Richard placed a kiss on my forehead, and all my worries settled.
“Using my own words against me,” Richard mumbled into my hair. “Clever.”
Perhaps I was.
***
I woke the next morning still in Richard’s arms. We had moved a little, but for the most part, we were still wrapped up in each other.
In the morning light, I felt anxious about what he would do when he woke up. I didn’t know what the next steps of this were to be. I had never slept like this with anyone. I hoped he did, or at least had an insight into what the next action was.
I decided there was no use in worrying about it now, and instead pushed myself slightly up so I could get a better look at him. Richard was still asleep, and so I took the moment to look at him up close. I had done so before, but never in the morning light with his hair a mess and his lips slightly parted. He reminded me of the story of the princess who was cursed to sleep until she got her true love’s kiss.
I wondered what it would be like to kiss him.
I let it remain a wonder, because I didn’t think it was fair to attempt it with Richard asleep, but oh, did I want to.
I took in a deep breath and noticed that it wasn’t that difficult to breathe. There were still lingering pains, but for the most part, I felt better. Not ‘run a marathon’ better, but ‘I can probably eat’ better. In fact, my stomach growled as I thought it.
Richard didn’t wake up to the noise, and I thanked my lucky stars that he was a heavy sleeper. Knowing my chances of being this close again were very slim, I studied his face. I noticed, upon close inspection, that he did have slight ‘imperfections’ as some might say. He had a small blemish on his chin, so faint I wouldn’t see it if I wasn’t looking, and I wondered where it came from. I looked at his eyes and noticed a very small wrinkle along the corners. A few strands of his blonde hair around his temples looked a smidge less blonde and much more, lord help me, grey.
Even after all these discoveries, he only became more beautiful. I wanted to kiss each spot to let them know ‘I like you very much, because you are on Richard.’
Eventually, Richard began to move with his eyes still closed. He groaned, stretched his legs, and tightened his hold on me. I squeaked, not expecting it, and Richard immediately opened his eyes and, upon realizing our circumstances, pulled his arms back.
“I’m sorry!”
“No, I’m sorry!”
Richard and I then found ourselves in a battle over who was sorrier about something we had both agreed to. Clearly, an employer shouldn’t snuggle with their part-timer in a hotel room that their brother was paying for because they had to protect him from his piece of shit dad, but then again, I don’t really think it matters. The moment I stepped on that airplane to find Richard in England was the moment ‘appropriateness’ flew out the window.
Richard still got out of bed, said he would order room service, and went to the parlor. I knew I couldn’t do anything to fix that right then, but I did get up and use the bathroom to clean myself up a little in the sink. I knew Richard would not be pleased if I took a shower, but a little washcloth bath made me feel more alive. I returned to the room to find Richard sitting in the chair. Darn it.
“You seem to be feeling better,” Richard said.
“Much better. Hungry, but better.”
Food came, and we ate at the little table in the parlor. It was nice to be out of bed, and although it was only some rice and clear soup, it tasted wonderful. Richard, on the otherhand, ate two custard tarts and yogurt with plenty of berries and sweet granola. I still took some over-the-counter pain relievers to keep the fever and aches down, but I felt so much better.
“I suppose this means you can call Saul and take back your client visit,” I told him as he finished breakfast.
Richard shook his head. “No, I don’t think so. Should we see what is on the television?”
“I’m sorry, what?” I laughed because it sounded ridiculous.
Richard offered his hand, and together we walked to the bed. He helped me in, then walked to the other side and crawled next to me. He didn’t pull me close to him, but put his arm along his pillow, offering the chance without words.
My fever had broke that morning, but my face was still flushed and my good sense gone as I curled up next to him.
“If at anytime you want me to move, just say so,” I told him.
“I’m not sure I could,” Richard responded. “You’ve made it very clear you would search the end of the world to be by my side.”
“Well, as long as the expectation is there.”
“That it is.”
As we watched the film, I heard Richard yawn, which made me yawn, and next thing I knew, we were starting to doze off. I pulled the blanket up over us, and settled in for a nap, when a thought crossed my mind.
“Maybe we are both becoming something new.”
Richard sleepily hummed the same song from yesterday before saying, “Something new together sounds good to me.”
Yeah, me too.