Work Text:
Fig is certain that she is going to draw a good card – the odds are in her favor, after all. So when she selects the vellum card (fourth from the right) out of the spread and sees the devil grinning back at her, her face falls. Flames: A powerful devil becomes your enemy. This enmity lasts until either you or the devil dies.
She turns to the group of teens behind her, face ashen. “I really thought that was gonna save the day,” she mumbles, dropping the card to the ground where it vanishes into the ether. “Another. Another card will fix it all-” she says, and as Riz slams his fist into the wall, Fabian steps in and cuts her off from reaching for another.
“Fig, no!”
“Ok, so this is fucked up, yeah?” asks Kristen, staring down at the table as the lady shuffles the cards.
“Completely,” agrees Adaine. “This is the stupidest-”
“Second-most stupidest,” interrupts Kristen.
“-Second-most stupidest thing you guys have ever done, and now you’ve gone and roped in Fig, too!”
Kristen laughs and shoves her hand into her pockets. “You know what they say, though, Adaine! In for a penny, in for a pound!” She slams eighty gold pieces down on the table. “One for me, one for Adaine!” she announces.
Riz jams his fist into his mouth and screams.
“Kristen! What the fuck!?” shouts Fabian, wide-eyed and still holding the dazed Fig. “You’ve seen what it’s done to all of us!”
“And I’m feeling lucky! Adaine, you go ahead first.”
Gorgug laughs from where he’s leaning against the wall and watching with unveiled amusement. “Damn, I knew you were dumb, but I never pegged you to be this stupid!”
Adaine eyes the cards as the lady fans them out in front of her on the table.
“Which one calls to you, lass?”
“...Do I have to?” Her voice quavers ever so slightly.
“You have an hour or the card shall choose you.”
Adaine shivers and steps up to the table. “‘In for a penny,’ Kristen says,” she mumbles under her breath. “I’d say it’s more like ‘misery loves company.'” She guides her finger over the back of the cards and stops at the card ten from the left and touches it, then rethinks and moves her finger back one to the ninth and taps the card. “This one.”
The other five hold their breath, wondering if she’s divined the best card or if she’s had a favorable portent.
The lady behind the table nods at Adaine. “Take your card, young lady, and behold your fate.” With a shaky breath, Adaine slides the card out of the fan and lifts it up. She is greeted with a picture of herself, drooling and with a vapid expression on her face. “Idiot,” she reads aloud. “Permanently reduce your Intelligence. You can draw one additional card. …No!” she cries, the card fluttering from her fingers and falling to the table where it vanishes. She turns back to her friends, a happy, vacant look on her face, and Gorgug barks another laugh.
“Looks like she’s dumber than me, now!”
“Gorgug, this isn’t funny!” hisses Riz, storming over to him. Nelly follows in lockstep right behind him, ready to fight for her liege lord. “Do you know how damaging it is for Adaine to lose her intelligence! We’re all fucked now, even you!”
“Hey…” Adaine’s voice is louder now, as if she doesn't have a filter. “What did that card mean, ‘You can draw an add- add-’”
“Additional,” helps the lady behind the table.
“‘Add-ish-un-ul card’ mean? What’s that ‘addy’ word mean?”
“It means that if you so desire-”
Adaine looks at the lady, face blank and blinking rapidly. “Can you use smaller words?”
“It means that if you want, you can pick a second card.”
“Oh. Cool!” She reaches out to the deck and points at a card. “This one! It’s calling to me!”
“What!? Adaine! No!” shouts Fig, but too late, Adaine has fished the card out of the fan and is studying the face of it.
“Oh, it’s got a pretty man on it!” she exclaims, flipping the card around to show it off.
Riz squints and reads the card: “Knight. You gain the service of a devoted knight- Oh, fuck no!” he wails, rolling his eyes and throwing his hands into the air.
The familiar pop! echoes off the walls of the alleyway and a handsome, dark-skinned high elf in full armor appears kneeling next to Adaine.
“Milady. I, Silverain, am sworn to serve you until death. Please, have no fear, for nothing shall stop my protection of you, my liege.”
Adaine titters, a blush rising to her ears. “Hey, he’s pretty cute! Where’d you come from, cutie?”
“I… I do not know, milady,” Silverain says, bewildered. “But it does not matter; I am here for you now, and that is what is important.”
Gorgug pulls his axe off his back and hefts the weight of it in his hands. “Alright, looks like it’s getting too crowded here. Time to thin out the numbers.”
“Gorgug, no!” cries Riz. “No killing! …Though it is getting packed here.”
“This is fun!” declares Adaine. “I pull a card and I get a man! Can I do it again?”
“Nobody give this fraud any more money!” shouts Fabian, reaching out and dragging Adaine away from the table. Silverain, seeing Fabian put a hand on his liege, leaps forward, drawing his sword.
“Unhand Milady!”
“Adaine, call off your knight!” shouts Fabian, drawing his own sword to protect himself.
“Alright! At least now maybe someone will die!” chuckles Gorgug, leaning back against the wall once more.
“Silverain, it’s alright! He’s my friend!” She turns to Fabian who is still holding her wrist. “Are you my friend?”
“Yes!”
“Ok! Yay! A friend!” She bounces on her toes and claps her hands before her attention is torn away by her clothing. “Ooo, I’ve got a backpack! I wonder~ what’s inside~ it! GASP! It’s only the cutest-patootiest froggy ever! Ohmigod I’m gonna love you forever and ever!” she squeals as she pulls Boggy out of his backpack and gives him a huge squeeze. The familiar’s face shifts from ‘Happy to be here,’ to ‘Not sure about this’ in reaction to his mistress’ demeanor. He croaks weakly.
At that moment a blast of fire rips down the alleyway, and everyone dodges out of the way.
“Figueroth Faeth!” snarls a deep voice, dripping with malice. “I know you’re down there! Come out and get what’s due to you!”
“Oh shit, that’s-”
A large pit fiend storms down the alleyway, their wings scraping against the sides of the walls as they block out the light from the entrance.
“...Marge!”
“Where’s my money, Faeth?!” she bellows, charging down the narrow street. “I’m gonna collect by taking your teeth as payment, and then I’m gonna kill you!”
“Marge, I swear I’ll pay you back, but usually people wait at least a day before asking for the money!”
“I don’t care, you borrow money from Marge, you pay her back when she asks for it!” Marge pushes past The Bad Kids and their growing entourage, her eyes only set on the receding figure of Fig at the other end of the alleyway.
“I’ll catch you guys later! Good luck, Kristen!” comes the faint voice of Fig as she turns the corner and ducks out of sight.
“I’d better go follow her and make sure she’s alright,” mutters Riz, hurrying down the alley.
“I’ll come, too, my lord!” chirps Nelly, following after him.
Kristen looks around at the scattered Bad Kids and crooked table.
“Doesn’t anyone want to see what I get?”
“I hope you get The Void,” smirks Gorgug.
“Dude!”
“Not cool, Gorgug!”
“That card sounds cool!”
“Pshht, whatever. You all suck.”
Kristen walks up to the table and wriggles her fingers theatrically. “Whaaaat caaaard shooooould I geeeet?” she asks in a sing-song voice. “Why… the very top card, of course!” She plucks the card from the table and flips it over.
“Yes! Good card!” she crows, showing it off to the others. Moon: You are granted the ability to cast the Wish spell two times.
“Holy shit, it’s worked,” mumbles Fabian. “She actually got a good card!”
“Oh damn, I can cast Wish twice? That’s fucking siiiiiiick! What should I wish for?”
Adaine shoots her hand in the air, a blissful, faraway look on her face. “A dozen strawberries!”
“Do not listen to whatever advice Adaine offers!” hisses Fabian. “You’ve got to think long and hard about this, Kristen. You’ve got two chances to fix things, and five people who need help. You’re going to have to make some difficult choices. But, you know… you should probably fix my problem, and then with my extra cash I can buy more cards and we can get more wishes-”
“More wishes! Like… two dozen strawberries??”
“Do you even know what a ‘dozen’ is?” Gorgug asks.
“Um… is it something you wear?”
“Damn, you’re fucking dense. I like idiot Adaine. I say go for it, Kristen! Wish Fabian’s money back and let him keep buying card after card!”
“I feel like someone should interject at this point and say that’s a bad idea, but… I’m not hearing any ‘no’s from anyone,” fishes Kristen, looking around at the people surrounding her.
She shrugs. “Ok, one wish for Fabian’s fortunes to return to him coming up!”
Purple twilight smoke swirls around Kristen’s feet and a wind whips up, tossing her hair about like a tornado. Motes of white light begin to appear around her as she concentrates on her wish, and as they float in the space around her, Adaine reaches out to touch one, but Fabian slaps her hand away.
“Don’t mess up the spell!”
“You have struck Milady! Prepare to pay with your life!” shouts Silverain, drawing his sword and lunging at Fabian.
“Fuck! Adaine, call off your knight!” shouts Fabian as he dodges the attack.
She tilts her head to the side. “Why? Is he doing something wrong?”
“He’s trying to kill me!”
“Go for the legs!” suggests Gorgug. “Immobilize him and then you can take your time killing him!”
“No! Bad knight!” shouts Fabian, deflecting a blow with his sword.
“I wish that all of Fabian’s titles, properties, and money be returned to him; reverse the effect of the Ruin card!” calls out Kristen as she begins to hover in the air.
Fabian feels his backpack fill again with his belongings and he stumbles from the sudden increase of weight against his back, barely dodging a swipe from Silverain.
“Adaine!”
“But Silverain’s having fun!” she pouts. “Aren’t you, Silvy?”
“As you say, Milady,” he says calmly and he strikes once more at Fabian.
“Kristen! I think I know what your other wish needs to be!” calls Fabian from down the alleyway. “Oh, The Ball!”
“I lost sight of Fig,” mutters Riz as he returns towards the group gathered around the table.
“I’m sure she’ll be alright,” says Fabian as he continues to dodge the knight. “Oh, by the way, I’m rich again, so we’ve got that going for us.”
“What?! How?!”
“Wish spell,” calls Kristen from further down the alley. “I’ve got one wish left and I need to think about what it will be.”
“And then when she’s done with that, we can draw more cards to get more Wish spells!” adds Fabian.
Riz smacks his hand against his face. “...Nelly.”
The goblin knight springs to action, kneeling down in front of Riz. “What do you wish of me, my liege?”
“Attack Fabian. Maim him, but don’t kill. Don’t let him get near the card table.”
“Yessir!” she beams, happy to finally be of service. She pulls out her sword and shouts, rushing after Fabian who yelps and dodges her attacks as well.
“Not funny, The Ball!”
“Am I laughing?”
Gorgug chortled. “I am.”
“I hate you, evil Gorgug!” shouts Fabian as he dodges more attacks.
“Feeling’s mutual, bro!” he shouts back, flipping him off.
“Riz, what should I wish for?”
He pauses, taking time to think this through. “I mean, I don’t know if wishing Fabian’s fortune back would have been my first choice, but that’s done now. You only have one Wish spell left?”
“Yeah.”
“Hmm… As much as I hate to say it, the knights aren’t the biggest problem here.”
“Says you!” calls Fabian, still dodging.
“Fig can handle herself with Marge, I think. Or at the very least, once this is sorted out we can lend her a hand… I think it boils down to either fixing Evil Gorgug or Idiot Adaine.”
“And we’re sure we’re locked in on those two options?” asks Kristen, a guilty look in her eyes.
“...Kristen, what the fuck do you mean?”
“Like… I can’t wish that Tracker wants me back and we are in a happy relationship?”
“I will literally kill you if you do that.”
Kristen holds up her hands defensively.
“Just a joke!”
Riz glowers at her. Without taking his eyes off of her, he asks “Gorgug, do you like being evil?”
“I mean, yeah. It’s been fun so far.”
Riz sighs and pinches the bridge of his nose. “Then I think the only solution we have is restoring Adaine’s intelligence and we just have to deal with the fallout of everything else.”
Kristen nods. “Ok. I’m with you. Let’s do this.”
Once more the purple smoke and white motes of light surround Kristen as she concentrates on her spell. She floats above the ground, her feet dangling inches above the cement, and she recites her wish. “I wish that Adaine Abernant’s intelligence was restored to what it was before drawing the Idiot card!”
The magic explodes out of her in a burst of purple and the scent of wintergreen and dewy grass, and Kristen stops floating and lands hard on her butt.
There’s no pop! or flash of magic, but the vacant, placid look on Adaine’s face changes instantly to one of frustration.
“Silverain!” she calls out. “Stop attacking Fabian, please!”
“At once, Milady!”
“It’s about damn time!” pants Fabian as he collapses against a wall. Nelly rushes at him, but he deflects with a simple flick of his sword; the knights definitely have quite different levels of skill.
“I’m sorry, but also this is all your fault, so you deserved that,” bites back Adaine. “When Fig gets back here I’m having her draft a contract that prevents you from ever doing something so monumentally stupid ever again!”
“Hear, hear!” cheers Riz.
“Speaking of which, we’d better go find out where she is and give her a hand with Marge,” says Kristen, dusting off her pants.
“You guys have fun with that. I don’t feel like tangoing with a devil,” says Gorgug, pushing himself off the wall and into a stand. “Maybe you’ll get lucky and Marge will kill your squires and then your only problem will be me! Anyway, later, assholes,” he mumbles, and he walks down the alley and back out onto the market street.
“Is it bad to let him go?” asks Riz, staring after him. “It feels bad to let him go.”
“Evil Gorgug is the least of our worries. Let’s go help Fig and then sort out what we’re going to do with these knights,” suggests Adaine.
…But evil Gorgug was not the least of their worries. In fact, it was the very start of them.
By the time the five teens (and two knights) had slain Marge and released Fig from her curse, smoke was billowing from the Elmville Police Department. Again.
But that’s a story for a different time.