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Thick tears ran down her cheeks as she left the shell-shocked atmosphere of the dining room, searching for a quiet place where she could be alone with her crushing guilt, sorrow and regret. Guilt for her deplorable and unforgivable behavior over the last thirteen years towards so many people, but especially towards Doug. Regret for all the things that couldn't be fixed because she'd come too far and there was no turning back, as she'd just told her father. And sorrow for all she'd lost, and for what she still had to lose. Though, how can you really lose what hasn't ever been really yours to start with?
In the middle of the heated argument unleashed around her, she'd seen it clearly. The only solution to all the issues, the only way of atoning for all her wrongs and of letting things follow their natural course, was her retirement. What was the use of prolonging an impossible situation anyway? She'd been lying to herself for so long, scared, angry, hiding in her fake ice fortress. Unhappy. Mean. Bitter. Inadequate. Lonely. And finally she'd succeeded in pushing away the only man she'd fallen in love with. That had been her intention and goal for all those months, then why did it hurt so much?
Again, she was deluding herself. In her heart of hearts, very deep, she'd been yearning to earn his love. She'd absurdly and stupidly hoped that Doug would truly see her beyond all her fuss, the disagreeable facade she presented whenever she felt threatened, beyond figure skating, beyond any professional and personal ambitions, beyond the gold medal. That he'd value her as simply Kate, the woman, with a severely bruised heart that despite all its cracks had still so much to give because, since her mother had died, no one had shown interest in it, or very little, starting with her own father.
Why would Doug bother to see what she'd made every effort to hide, why would he be interested in her broken self? He didn't have any need to complicate his own life so much. He was a good, smart, handsome and hard-working man, the greatest figure skater she'd ever seen, and he had a brilliant career and future in front of him. And she wouldn't get in the way of that future. She was certain that he'd thrive with some other skating partner who wouldn't treat him as if he were the plague due to her inner fears and unresolved issues.
Kate would let him go because he deserved much better than her. And she loved him too much to continue to hobble his life and career.
The day of truth had finally come, and it was also the day she had to accept with no more self-deception that he would never choose her. Why would he? What reasons had she given him to stay? It was the natural outcome for everything.
Later that night, sitting on the windowsill in her bedroom, wearing Bobby Hull's jersey and holding against her heart the last teddy bear her mother had gifted her, clutching the old sports garment and stuffed toy for dear life, she said goodbye to her past thirteen years. She braced herself for closing all that chapter, except for the rare moments in which she'd experienced something really close to happiness, many of them with Doug.
She'd start anew. Maybe she'd enroll at college, search for a part-time creative job, meet new people. She might move to New York, it was big and populated enough and offered lots of activities and occupations to keep her busy for a great part of her days, so Doug's permanent absence would hurt a little less, perhaps. With luck, her mind would be kept so distracted that he wouldn't fill it almost to its last recesses and corners like he'd been doing for the past two years, and with time she'd manage to get over him. Maybe. Anyway, what other choice did she have but resigning herself to losing him forever? She'd better get used to it.
But in those moments with her forehead pressing against the cold windowpane in the Albertville house, she let herself cry for all her losses, past and present and future.
Tomorrow, she'd give him her last gift before walking out of his life for good, her last performance on the rink, in which she'd try to do her best because she'd hate to disappoint him once more in their last moments together, and because she wanted to put an end to that stage of her life with so much dignity as she could muster. With a bit of luck and all their combined efforts, they could still aspire to the gold medal he craved so much. For her, it had lost almost all its meaning many years ago, so she didn't want it for herself, but if they had a chance at winning it, she would grasp at it, for him. It would be her last act of love right before getting out of his way.
Beating their opponents would be extremely difficult, she knew. The only move which could probably earn them the gold medal was the Pamchenko, which she and Doug hadn't been able to carry out successfully one single time, so they'd have to make do with what they had, which was quite good anyway. And even in the case that they wouldn't win, they could still aspire to the podium. And Doug would be in great demand, he'd be flooded with offers for a new partner and he might lead a brilliant career, even fight for the gold medal in the next Olympics. He'd be still young enough for it, even more taking into account that the next Olympic appointment would be brought forward from 1996 to 1994.
And she'd be very happy for him.
It didn't matter that on the last night of her current life her heart felt shattered in a million pieces.
She'd have to find the way to pick up those pieces and put them together again.