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“Jeeves, did you know that more people every year die from being hit on the head by a coconut than shark attacks?”
“I did not know that, Bertram.”
Bertie shook his head disbelievingly, eyes glued to his phone. His face was lit up with a stark blue glow. Jeeves lay curled around him; his knees pressed into the back of Bertie’s knees. Duvet drawn up to their shoulders. He was hiding his face in Bertie’s neck to escape the horrible bright light.
“The mind positively boggles! You would think that sharks were gnawing on human remains every other day with the way people go on about them. If this article is true, then we should all be much more wary of coconuts. At least, those coconuts which are falling from great heights. From palm trees, I expect. I doubt whether any coconuts sold in shops ever have any opportunities to give a chap a concussion, or worse.”
There was a short silence, wherein Jeeves’ drooping eyelids fell shut. His breathing began to even out…
“Sharks precede the dinosaurs!” Bertie burst out, startling Jeeves awake, “Were you aware of that, Jeeves? The dinosaurs! I mean to say, I thought the dinosaurs were the absolute oldest creatures that we know of, aside from Aunt Agatha, but now I discover that sharks are older! And we are so fortunate as to share God’s green earth with them! Astonishing. How they survived that great big meteor smashing into the earth a billion years ago is a mystery to me.”
“A mystery indeed, my love.” Jeeves replied drowsily.
“I suppose that sharks get a bit of a bad rap. They’re just going about their business in their natural watery habitat when we come splashing in and disturbing them. If a stranger came uninvited into our flat, making a huge disturbance and generally being very unwelcome, well, I feel that I would react in much the same way.”
“Very true, my love.”
Bertie thought for a moment.
“Perhaps not quite the same.”
“No.”
“Not biting. Not unless my hand was forced.”
“Mm.”
“I still wouldn’t trust a shark though. No matter about coconuts, and all that. It’s just as well that we don’t live near the ocean. All those sharp teeth.” Bertie shuddered.
Then he sighed happily. Finally switched off his phone and leaned across the mattress to slide it haphazardly onto the bedside table. It jostled Jeeves, making him let out a tiny, displeased grunt as Bertie wriggled slightly out of his arms. Then Bertie snuggled back into his previous position, tucking himself back under Jeeves’ arm. He was drawn even closer than before.
“Would you, Jeeves? Trust a shark?”
Jeeves pressed his cheek into Bertie’s soft, freshly washed curls, murmured, “No, darling. I should think not.”
“Quite right. I wouldn’t like to see you all gnashed up just because you attempted to converse politely with the creatures.” His voice hushed, “You’re far too precious to me, old thing.”
Jeeves responded with a light snore.