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Hey to whoever is reading this.
I have time, so to pass it i'll write a letter to you. To start of, it would probably be best if you know a bit about me. My name is Lina and I am 14 years old right now. I have 4 very close friends at my school and we hang out nearly every day(at school). Except for Kay.(fake name for her identity but storys the same). Kay is currently in the psych ward because she tried to unalive herself twice and has severe depression, anxiety, adhd and autism. The plan is that she'll stay for 2 weeks, which would be over in 4 days, but her doctors said it doesnt look too good for her to be released then. I visited her(and am the only one of her friends to have done so) and she is fuckin miserable. Kay hates it there and says its probably only getting worse, but she cant really leave unless her parents say shes allowed to and her parents say she'll have to stay atleast those two weeks, because then she can get started on the medication and will be able to see if that helps. The thing is though that i probably relate to her most of all. My other friends (who arent in the psych ward) are also really good friends and i do love them(though sometimes i feel as if i always have to bring myself into the conversations and if i dont they dont really include me either), but i can have the deepest and most accurate conversations with Kay. Sad ain't it. I am not officially diagnosed with anything, but a lot of my symptoms also align with depression. My biggest problem is that I have High masking depression, so i can't reallly tell anyone that i need help because then they'd ask me why and, well, i'd have to spill the tea. I also have some sort of undiagnosed neurodivergence, most likely audhd, but since that isnt diagnosed either and i mask it quite well i can't get help either. When others look at my life, it honestly seems perfect. I always get told how happy i must be and how great it all seema because i have very balanced hobbies and do good at school. The thing is though that i'm not ok. I do struggle and think about ending it quite frequently. I am currently having a rather good day, which is also why i have the motivation to write this, but i have figured out how my depression works, and it comes in never ending cycles. At first I start to feel less. Dissociating, empty and sadder. But still ok-ish. That goes on for 3-8 days and then it all gets worse, intensifies. If feel even less, start to question why i'm alive and begin to do less of the stuff i like, but i can still manage. This goes on for less days, mostly 2-5 before I get completly knocked out for 1-6 days where i honestly wonder what would be the easiest way to die and only barely manage to continue being alive. I like to say i have no idea how noone notices that i've given up trying for those couple days, but the thing is that they do notice. I usually stay in my room when i get home from school, but even in that time span i get asked multipe times if i'm ok. I lie. I always put on a cheerful mask and say i'm just tired or just don't like that certain topic. not. true. Innerly i'm actually dying or atleast thinking about it. It's all fake. Then it suddenly gets better for 3-6 days and i nearly feel guilty because wdym i feel good? have I been faking this all just to relate to Kay more? before it all repeats. I am stuck in this neverending cycle and I know that i need help, but i dont know how to get help. Talking about deep topics is bery very awkward for me. I have no problem at all with the fact of people knowing that about me, but i'd rather the information just spawn in their head than me having to tell them. That is one thing that has never changed, i've always hated it. When i first got my period it was just so awkward and i hated every second of having to tell my parents, even though they are really really supporting and i do love them very much because they are great parents. Doesnt chamge the fact that its awkward. Thats also the reason why i'm not outed yet. I am asexual and biromantic(though i might be a in-denial-lesbian, who knows. also possible.) and havent told my parents even though they are in no way homophobic and have told us multiple times that they'd accept us either way. I just never know how to bring such stuff up, like could you imagine sitting there, warching a movie with your parents and just cassually dropping 'hey mom, dad, i'm actually gay and mentally ill, so could you sign me up for therapy please?'. no? well, me neither. And if i drop it in a deep conversation it just seems so so forced, like i've been waiting too long to tell them(I have, but thats not my point). So i guess i won't tell them. Maybe one day i will have enough motivation, but we'll see.