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Sometimes Zanka still felt like he was in that well.
Three days in that shithole feeling so damn low he just wanted the Ground to swallow him and keep him as part of its endless waste.
He supposed he would fit in, part of the shit heap as he was the shittiest piece there.
It’s been a year since that well and he still feels like he’s in there.
He hates how he feels like this now of all times.
He’s happy, he’s fine. Today was good, great even!! Team Akuta had taken out a hoard of trash beasts, Rudo hadn’t passed out even though he used 4 pieces of trash, Riyo hadn’t even gotten a scratch on her as she ripped through the ugly things with Ripper. Enjin had even taken them to Zanka’s favorite soup place to celebrate!
Yet, his own selfishness wants to end all that just because he can’t deal with feeling this constantly.
This ugly feeling that crawls in his bones. That nagging voice saying he’ll never be good enough for someone to love him. He’ll never be enough, no matter how hard he works. Natural Talent would always beat him.
Always.
He lets out a shaky breath as he grips to Jabber’s hoodie tighter to his body, wishing the purple fabric could drown him.
It’s been weeks since the Boss expressed his concerns to Zanka. Enjin literally is not getting off his ass with this bullshit so Jabber couldn’t come over.
The last time he saw Jabber was a fleeting moment during a clean up, saw his Raider watching from afar, could feel Lovely Asistaff pulse with pure want as she felt Mankira only some meters away.
Oh, how he wanted, needed, his boyfriend right now.
He couldn’t even call him, Zodyl was apparently monitoring the choker lines cause of some paranoid shit and Jabber couldn’t risk Zanka’s safety.
The asshole.
So that left Zanka sitting here. Alone. With his thoughts.
All he fucking wanted was Jabber.
Zanka felt tears well in his eyes, bringing the dingy fabric closer as he felt the tears slide down his cheeks.
He needed something. He needed something to make him feel real.
He had no more drugs to go through. Jabber always made sure to leave his favorites for when he couldn’t be there and Zanka had sped through them in three weeks. Swallowing two pills a day and drinking two small vials of his usual intake from Jabber made him feel good but not good enough.
It was like second nature now to be on something. He wondered how he made it so long sober when drugs made him feel so alive. He got why Jabber was such an avid user. He was becoming one too. He was stronger with them(maybe because he always fought with Jabber on them but who knows), he was better with them. Sure, he got distracted sometimes. Almost got his arm taken off by Umbreaker when he got distracted by a really pretty rock(it reminded him of Jabber’s eyes) but he was fine! Both arms are still on!
He needed the drugs to feel normal. To be sane. They were the only thing he had besides Jabber. But Jabber wasn’t here. No Jabs. No drugs.
He needed the real deal but couldn’t have it. He needed something else.
His body felt like it was on autopilot as he dug around his bed frame before grabbing what he needed.
A razor.
Shame filled his mind as he stared at the stained metal.
He was good at hiding it, neat lines hidden under layers of clothes, close to his hips-an area no one had seen.
No one but a certain Raider.
They never talked about it, just silent recognition as they saw matching sets of faded lines adorning themselves.
They always looked so pretty together. Alike in every way possible.
Jabber was the most beautiful man he had ever laid eyes upon.
Love cinched around his heart like a rose, its thorns pierced right through his arteries and veins.
He needed this to hurt. It needed to.
He didn’t think as he pulled his pants down and pressed the metal to his skin.
HURT ME. HURT ME. HURT ME PLEASE.
Didn’t even feel the sting as he slashed his skin over and over.
HURT ME. HURT ME. HURT ME PLEASE.
Over and over and over and over and over.
HURT ME. HURT ME. HURT ME PLEASE.
And definitely didn’t hear the window opening and a body thudding inside until he felt ring adorned hands grabbing his face as he stared at the ruby red blood staining his hips.
HURT ME. HURT ME. HURT ME PLEASE.
“Zanka.” Jabber said, looking at the same red blood that Zanka was gasping at.
It hurt. Good. He needed the hurt. He needed it as much as he needed Jabber.
“Jabs…?” Zanka said, like he wasn’t at all aware of the Raider’s existence.
It hurt like it was supposed to.
“Hey baby, hey,” Jabber said, carefully plucking the soaked razor from his boy’s grasps. Shushing him when Zanka went to protest, “no. Zanka look at me.”
“Jabs, M’ sorry,” Zanka said, tears streaming down his face as he started hiccuping, “it was too loud, too loud…”
“Shh, I know. I know Zanka.”
Jabber knew better than anyone that shit got loud.
He couldn’t blame Zanka, he just wished the boy was actually coherent enough to comprehend what he was doing.
He made quick work of wrapping the wounds, noticing when he was soaking the blood up how pristine and long the cuts were. Some even reached styro.
He could feel his heart shattering as Zanka didn’t even seem to care.
He dressed the wounds in silence, getting out an antiseptic and piercing Zanka’s skin with Mankira. Zanka didn’t even flinch.
When he was done he pulled the blanket back over Zanka and stayed kneeled next to him on the floor. Zanka stared blankly at where the bandages were scratching against the blanket until he finally looked at Jabber.
Inky blue met violent purple.
Zanka’s bottom lip quivered.
And just like that, Jabber flung his jacket to the floor, his pants next as he climbed into the bed with a shirt and boxers on and quickly pulled Zanka into his arms.
Zanka didn’t waste a second. Burying his head into Jabber’s neck as he sobbed.
He didn’t even know why he was crying. Clinging to Jabber like a little kid as the man just kept stroking his back and planting soft kisses in his hair.
He cried for a while. All his agony came out in tears as he hiccuped and sniffled. Jabber just stayed there, smiling softly at Zanka as he calmed down and wiped the tear tracks from his boy's pale skin.
“What happened, baby?” Jabber started quietly, still holding Zanka tightly as Zanka found himself in Jabber’s lap. Idly tracing patterns on his dark scarred arms as he attempted to answer the question.
“I couldn’t handle it…” Zanka started, trying to grow smaller and smaller into Jabber’s hold, “all da noises got too much, needed ya Jabs. Needed ya so bad..” Zanka finished quietly, accent in full force as he looked at Jabber, fidgeting with one of his dreads.
Jabber understood the feeling. He was losing his mind even more after not being able to see Zanka for weeks on end because of these stupid Cleaners and his stupid Boss. The Cleaners hadn’t even guessed right and still separated them. Zanka understood him more than anyone else. Getting him taken away so unexpectedly had fucked him up. Even Mankira yearned for Lovely Asistaff! Constantly pulsating with wanting to go see her.
He needed his boy like oxygen. Zanka was his oxygen.
He knew what Zanka needed.
“Wanna get high, babycakes..?”
Zanka looked up. Jabber was smiling at him hesitantly as he rubbed soothing circles into his hips. Careful to avoid the new additions to his collection.
Zanka kissed him. Teeth and tongues mingled together as they tried to make their DNA fuse.
“Please.”
—
That’s how Zanka found himself in the passenger seat as Jabber drove away from HQ. Jabber took one of the extra cars in the lot as they drove out into the vast wasteland of the Ground. They had already gotten the toxins in their system. Mankira’s claws sliding into Zanka’s mouth as he licked her clean then shared her taste with Jabber. The drugs went into his bloodstream and made his head all fuzzy. He felt better than he had in weeks as the fresh drugs made him feel so good. Nothing could compare to Jabber’s recipes straight from Mankira. Zanka felt warm and loopy as he hugged Lovely closer, Jabber’s hand holding his thigh tightly as Mankira pulsed against his warm skin.
Jabber was fully dressed again as Zanka was wearing nothing but Jabber’s hoodie and a pair of loose pants. He hadn’t even gotten proper shoes, just slipped Jabber’s extra sandals that he had left and let Jabber carry him out.
It was warm, a nice warm night as they drove off. Zanka found himself looking out of the window at the few fleeting stars he could see across the horizon. The breeze rustling his tassel earrings as Jabber was humming a tune to some song on the radio, Zanka didn’t care what. All he cared about was that Jabber was here.
He knew this was probably a bad idea. He had no intentions of going back to HQ for a while and he knew that wouldn’t help the “claims” against him, but so be it.
He loved his family to bits but he needed space. They couldn’t understand him like Jabber did. No one could understand him like Jabber did.
They hadn’t really planned to leave. Yet mid “session” they could hear Enjin stalking closer and closer to Zanka’s door and decided then to dip. Enjin was too damn protective. Zanka was 18 now! He was a man. If he wanted to run away with his Raider boyfriend on various amounts of drugs, to presumably go do more drugs, he could.
Corvus and Enjin could think he’s a whore all they want. He was Jabber’s whore and no one needed to know that but them. Zanka found himself grabbing the hand on his thigh and gripping it tighter.
Jabber glanced over and smiled. Stupid perfect teeth on full display. Zanka smiled back, cheeks heating up as he looked at the love of his life.
Fuck he should say it before it’s too late.
“Jabs,” Zanka said quietly, Jabber looked at him with a sideways glance.
“I love ya.”
The car abruptly stopped.
Zanka had to grab Jabber’s arm for support before he slammed into the dashboard.
He was about to yell when Jabber grabbed him by the face and kissed him so hard he saw stars.
“You mean that?”
Jabber was breathless. Looking at Zanka with such desperation that Zanka wanted to cry again.
He couldn’t speak, he nodded and kissed the palm near his mouth hoping it was enough.
Jabber made a choked noise and started sniffling.
“Fuck, I love you too Zanka.”
Jabber was so happy. He was so fucking in love with this perfect boy in front of him. Zanka’s watercolor blue eyes stared at him with such adoration and love Jabber was going to implode on himself.
Zanka was so so beautiful. The most beautiful boy Jabber had ever laid his eyes upon. Jabber was so goddamn lucky to call Zanka his.
Jabber kissed him again. And Zanka couldn’t even remember why he was sad in the first place.
They loved each other.
That’s all they ever needed.
—
“WHAT DO YOU MEAN “MISSING”?!” Enjin screamed as Riyo and Rudo cowered behind Gris.
“Like we told you! He wasn’t in his room this morning and his window was wide open! Lovely Asistaff is with him!” Rudo piped up, concern growing as he thought about where his mentor might be.
Riyo was concerned too. Zanka had been acting weird as of late, and now this was just extra weird.
Enjin took a deep breath before looking at Gris.
“There’s a car missing from the lot, my guess is whoever Zanka was with took that with them,” Gris said, referring to the empty spot he had seen as he made his rounds this morning.
Enjin couldn’t believe it. He thought Zanka had stopped! He thought he was getting better!
Zanka had lied to him.
Fuck this. Enjin sighed as he scrubbed his hands down his face.
He needed a cigarette. He needed a cigarette and to find his fucking son.