Chapter Text
Chuuya was never anyone’s favorite person, much less their first choice. Even if it was something he was used to, it still hurt. No matter how many times he was betrayed, the pain never really faded. It was a hollow ache that no amount of wine could fill.
Loneliness had always followed him.
Chuuya knew many people, but none of them truly cared about his well-being.
One of the first times he acknowledged the void in his chest was when the Sheep stabbed him in the back, both literally and figuratively. Then he met the Flags. They were great friends to Chuuya, until his so-called brother came into the picture and killed all of them. He had Dazai too. Even though they fought regularly, they had moments where they trusted each other with their problems, even with their lives. They were close. Probably more than just friends. But then Dazai disappeared without a trace, without a single word of goodbye.
Kouyou cared for him, in her own way. But ever since Kyouka joined the Armed Detective Agency, she had grown distant. More distant than she had ever been with him before.
So he really didn’t have anyone to talk to. No one to spend time with. But for Arahabaki’s sake, he was a goddamn Mafia executive. He shouldn’t care what people thought of him. Part of him knew that. It still hurt anyway.
After a long time of hesitation, he gathered the courage to go to Mori’s office. He was nervous. He didn’t want Mori to think less of him, but he knew he needed help if he wanted to get better. And it wouldn’t be easy.
He stepped out of his office and made his way upstairs. The elevator felt slower and heavier than usual. After five minutes that felt like hours, he reached the door. He hesitated before knocking three times.
“Come in.”
Mori was doing paperwork, while Elise sat nearby drawing something unsettling, as usual.
“What brings you here, Chuuya-kun?”
“Hello, Boss. Sorry to interrupt. I was looking for your advice… as a doctor.”
“Mhm? And what do you need?”
“I was… thinking that maybe you could help me get some medication. I know it’s a lot to ask, but I haven’t been feeling well. I thought maybe you could prescribe something.”
“And tell me, Chuuya. What are you feeling?”
“I… I just feel nothing and everything at the same time. Like I’m outside of my own body.”
“Mmm… Chuuya, I can’t truly help you. However, I can give you something.”
“That’s more than enough. Thank you, Boss.”
Mori handed him the medication, and Chuuya quietly took his leave.
The medication didn’t have any effect on Chuuya, which only frustrated him more. He felt worse about himself.
He often saw other members of the Mafia going out together to drink. He was never invited.
Chuuya felt alone. He hated himself. The way he looked. The way he felt different from everyone else. His hair. His mismatched eyes. His freckles.
He knew he had unhealthy coping mechanisms but could you really blame him? He though that he deserved all of this and more Chuuya is suicidal but he isnt like dazai, he would just stay quiet to himself and would go to the bathroom, lock the room and stat slicing his wrist and arm, he felt light headed and free as the blood driped from his arm.
He knew they started after Dazai left the Port Mafia. He kept everything to himself. He hid his arms even in summer. No one noticed. Or maybe they did, and simply didn’t care enough to say anything.
Then he received the news.
His former partner in every way that mattered was only meters away from him.