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It was Paddy who always said that when you’re not looking for something, that’s when you’ll find it. One of those stupid phrases he’d use when Aaron was looking for a shirt that went missing. It was also used back when Aaron was afraid of who he was, and lonely.
But when he stumbled across Belle in a doorway in Hotten, well… the phrase didn’t seem so stupid.
‘Belle?’ he walked to her cautiously, making sure that she saw him and that he wouldn’t startle her. She was filthy: her hair oily and tattered, her skin dry; her lips pale, raw and bitten. She had a blanket from god knows where, and she was shivering from fear even if not the cold. But she was alive and that was the main thing. ‘Belle?’ he tried again. ‘It’s me. It’s Aaron.’
She suddenly gasped, and jerked upright. Her eyes were wild as they looked around for something that only she could see. She’s been hearing voices again Lisa had sobbed. She’s alone somewhere, and she’s ill.
Her lips moved, and her breath trembled. Aaron leaned in. She was whispering. ‘No, no. I can’t go back. I can’t. Ellie, I can’t!’
Aaron’s heart broke. His young, vibrant cousin… ‘Belle? Darlin’ it’s Aaron. Listen, if you can hear me, I’m gonna help you to stand up, alright?’ His hand moved slowly, but when he touched her, she screamed.
‘Get off me! Get away from me!’
‘Okay, sh sh. It’s okay.’ Aaron backed off immediately, his own heart hammering as his own voice—young and helpless—echoed in his head. He looked around. The street was deserted; no one to cause a scene, or call the police on him just in case. He should have been grateful, but his stomach turned to think what could have happened to her had someone else found her. He got his phone out and dialled for an ambulance. ‘Belle, listen to me, alright?’ She was clenching her hands over her ears and in her hair, teeth clenched on her pleading words. ‘I’ve called for an ambulance.’
‘No! I don’t want to go to hospital! I don’t—I can’t!’
‘You have to, Belle. You’re not well.’
‘No. I’m not… not well. I’m… I’m not pregnant.’
Aaron swallowed. ‘No, I know you’re not, darlin’. It’s okay though. You’ll be fine, alright?’
He stayed with her and sat beside her as she drifted in and out of awareness. He’d usually have a sandwich or something with him when he did a pick-up, but being late in the evening, knowing he was going home to a cooked tea, he didn’t bother. He daren’t leave her though; even to pop to the Boots around the corner for a sandwich for her. He didn’t want to come back to an isolated blanket and his vulnerable cousin out there alone again.
‘No. No, it’s not true,’ Belle suddenly whispered. ‘He’s here isn’t he? No! Leave me alone!’
‘Belle? Hey, it’s only me here, alright? Just listen to my voice, yeah? There’s no one else here.’ He reached for his phone again.
‘What’re you doing?’
‘I’m gonna call your Mum.’
‘Why?’
‘Because she’s worried sick, darlin’. We all are.’
She shook her head. ‘No. Ellie…. No one looked for me!’
‘We did. I promise, Belle, we all looked. They’re still looking now. That’s why I need to call your Mum.’
She shook her head again. But then they heard the ambulance, and Belle was carted off into the back, Aaron right behind her. In the ambulance, whilst the paramedics talked to her, Aaron noticed the blood under Belle’s nails.
****
‘Aaron, love. Are you alright?’ Lisa’s voice was warm and concerned.
‘Yeah, yeah, I’m fine. Uh—Lis, I’m at the hospital. I found Belle.’
****
He had called his Mum, and Cain, and then Robert because he needed someone to comfort him as well. Robert must have heard the strain in his voice even when no one else did. ‘I’ll give your Mum a lift in,’ he said. ‘No arguments,’ he added firmly but gently. Aaron smiled.
‘See you later.’
He couldn’t keep still. He kept pacing up and down the corridor, peeping in at Belle’s room, seeing nurses and a doctor around her bed. He kept thinking about the blood under her nails: blood that could have been from anything, but he knew… There was a dread in his gut, a feeling that told him that he wasn’t stupid, and he was anything but naïve. So when the nurses started to pile out, he asked if he could see her.
‘She’s quite out of it, love,’ the doctor said kindly. ‘She’s resting.’
‘I know she is, but please… I have to see her. She’s… has she been hurting herself?’
The doctor paused for a long moment. ‘You’re a relative?’ she asked.
‘Cousin.’
‘Right. Belle… she’s in a bad way physically and emotionally. We do believe that she has been… harming herself. Are her parents coming?’
‘Yeah, I phoned them just now. Please, can I go and sit with her? I don’t like the thought of her in a strange room on her own.’
The doctor hesitated again before nodding. ‘Go on. God knows the poor lass needs family around her.’
Aaron entered the room, but he knew right away that he wouldn’t be staying long. Belle looked done in. And he knew that when he felt that way, the last thing he wanted was company. But he wanted her to know that he was there; that he cared about her.
‘Hey, Belle,’ he whispered.
She looked at him, her eyes dreary and bloodshot. She didn’t smile, didn’t nod. Only the flicker of recognition in her eye told him that she had seen him.
‘Just wanted you to know I’m right outside if you need me. Alright?’ He reached out slowly and brushed her hair back from her forehead. His eyes filled with tears. ‘We’ve missed you, y’know? All been worried sick about you.’
His eyes moved down to her arms. They were under the covers, but he knew that if he looked, he’d see scratches, bumps, scars. ‘If you need to talk, I’m here.’
‘’Cause I hurt myself, you mean?’ she whispered. When his eyes widened, she said, ‘I saw you lookin’. And in the ambulance.’ She started to sob and his heart broke for her. ‘I just wanted them to stop talking!’
‘Who? Who was talkin’ to you?’
‘Ellie. Mum. Dad. Joanie. Everyone. Tellin’ me—tellin’ me how worthless I am; how you all hated me.’
‘No, Belle! No one hates you. We all care about you so much, Belle.’
She flinched suddenly and turned her head sharply, as if avoiding someone’s gaze. It was frightening, to see it happening. ‘I want to sleep now,’ she said. ‘Can you go?’
‘Yeah. Okay. Uh—I called your Mum. She’ll be here soon. Probably with Bailey as well.’
‘No!’ she gasped. ‘No! Not Jermaine, I can’t face him! Not after what I did! No, stop sayin’ that, Ellie! Just leave me alone!’
‘Belle, there’s no one else here,’ Aaron said as calmly as he could. ‘Look, Jermaine is just as worried as the rest of us. He just wants to see you: make sure you’re safe.’
‘I can’t face him.’
‘Hey, I’ll be here. Okay? So will your Mum, and my Mum. We’re all here for you.’
She nodded, but he could see she remained unconvinced. ‘I’m tired,’ she said, and closed her eyes.
Aaron took that as his cue to leave, and went back into the corridor again. He was shaking.
****
He had to distract himself whilst he waited for his family to show up. He went on his phone, checked Paralympics results, checked the latest cars. Anything to keep his mind of Belle and her scared face, and her shaking voice, and her scars.
He looked up when he heard hurried footsteps and breathed a sigh of both relief and trepidation when he saw his family. As expected, Zak and Lisa were nothing but nervous wrecks and questions. Robert said nothing; just stood next to Aaron, allowing his boyfriend to rest his weight against him, which Aaron did gratefully.
‘Will you let Aaron speak?’ Cain said, cutting short Zak’s thirteenth question in what felt like as many seconds. ‘What’s gone on?’
Aaron breathed deep. ‘I found her on the streets,’ he said. He felt terrible for putting it so bluntly, when Lisa gasped. But that wasn’t the worst of it, and he wanted to be the one to tell her, rather than hear it from a doctor. ‘She’s not in a good way, Lis.’ He shuffled around. ‘Look, I… I don’t want you to go in there without knowin’. Um… Belle… sh-she hurt herself when she was… when she wasn’t with us.’
Bailey frowned. ‘Hurt herself? What d’you mean?’
‘She—she… harmed herself.’
Lisa started sobbing again, and Zak fell into a pit of denial. Aaron couldn’t take his eyes of Bailey; off his face that seemed to crumble in on itself, the eyes that seemed to lose hope even as they were overwhelmed with love. Was that what Robert looked like, he wondered, when he brought Aaron in, collapsed and half-dead with septicaemia? He unconsciously moved closer to Robert, and didn’t complain when the man put his arm around his shoulder.
Waiting for a doctor with the family was worst than waiting alone, if that was even possible. Aaron sat with Robert on his right and his Mum on his left. He knew that they were both thinking the same as him: both remembering different points in Aaron’s life that he had ended up here.
Eventually Belle’s doctor came to see them and let Lisa, Zak and Jermaine in.
‘You look knackered, Baby,’ Robert murmured.
‘Thanks.’ Robert didn’t say anything, just wound his arm around Aaron’s shoulder and let him lean against him. ‘Poor Belle,’ he said. ‘I remember goin’ to see her, last year. Thought the worst of it was over.’
‘It’s never over, love,’ Chas said. ‘We both know that.’ Aaron reached out and took her hand. They did. Their family was messed up.
Cain cleared his throat. ‘You said she hurt herself… what with? A knife, what?’
‘Her nails,’ Aaron whispered. He could almost feel the disapproving glances that Robert sent Cain’s way and laced their fingers to let him know that it was okay. ‘Said she wanted to stop the voices.’ Cain’s only response was to nod, and his jaw clenched.
‘It was frightening,’ Aaron said, soft enough that only Robert would be able to hear him. ‘Hearing her talking, when no one was there.’
‘Must’ve been.’ Robert rubbed Aaron’s shoulder. ‘She’s in the best place now, though.’
Aaron pulled the sleeves of his hoodie down over his hands. Sweater-paws Robert called them. It made him feel young, made him feel in need of comfort. Robert kissed him on the head.
The door opened, and Lisa, Zak and Jermaine walked back into the corridor. Their eyes were red and glistening with shed tears. ‘She’s sleeping now,’ Bailey said. ‘Best thing for her: sleeping.’
‘Good,’ Chas said. ‘And at least she’s safe now.’
‘Thanks to Aaron,’ Lisa said. ‘I don’t want to think about what would’ve happened, if you hadn’t found her.’
Aaron smiled tightly, sad around the edges.
‘She showed us the scratches on her arm,’ Zak said. He shook his head. ‘Poor lass.’
‘Once she’s home, we can take care of her,’ Lisa said, her voice high-pitched and laced with hope. ‘We’ll make sure that she doesn’t do it again.’
Aaron clenched. His shoulders stiffened. ‘It doesn’t work like that,’ he growled. He slumped into his chair. ‘She—whether you’re there or not, she’s gonna do it. She won’t just… get better.’
‘No, we know that,’ Bailey said softly, treading on eggshells. Aaron hated it; it was the voice of Paddy and his Mum, it was the voice of Robert for a while, back when he pitied him. ‘We just mean that we’ll… we’ll fix it.’
‘Fix it?’ Aaron jumped to his feet. ‘You don’t fix it! It never gets fixed!’
‘Aaron,’ Chas said softly.
‘No one gets it!’ he yelled. ‘No one fucking understands it!’
‘Baby, hey.’ Robert unclenched his fists. Aaron looked down. His palms were bleeding. ‘You’re okay.’
Aaron breathed, and only then realised he was crying. ‘It’s not something you can just fix,’ he repeated. He still felt on edge. The scars on his stomach and chest felt as if they were bleeding. ‘She’s going through things that… I can’t even imagine. You can’t just say you’ll fix it—fix her.’
Seeing Belle, knowing she had hurt herself—it had triggered him; made him remember the feel of blade against skin, the feel of relief that came with the hurt, made him remember why he’d needed it. He held onto Robert’s hand tighter.
‘We didn’t mean any harm by it, love,’ Lisa said into the awkward silence. ‘We’re… I suppose we’re just trying to make ourselves feel better.’
Aaron nodded. He knew why they said it; it was probably the kind of thing that ran through his Mum’s or Paddy’s minds as well. The kind of turn of phrase that helped them, but where did that leave people like him and Belle?
His eyes found Robert’s, and he felt a little calmer. He felt his Mum’s and Cain’s eyes on him. He breathed through his panic, tried to get his head straight again. ‘Do you want to go?’ Robert asked quietly. Aaron nodded. He had to get away from this hospital.
‘Tell Belle… tell her I said bye,’ he said. Lisa nodded. ‘Take care of her.’
‘We will, love.’ Lisa hugged him carefully. ‘And thank you so much for finding her.’
Aaron nodded. He said a quick good-bye to his Mum. Robert took his hand again and led him away. ‘She’ll be fine,’ Robert said, as they sat in the car.
‘Yeah. They’ll take care of her.’
‘And I’ll take care of you,’ Robert said.
Aaron smiled. ‘Yeah?’ He wanted to poke fun, wanted to comment on how cheesy Robert was. But he blinked away tears instead. ‘Thank you, for coming. I don’t think I could’ve…’ he shook his head. ‘Probably would’ve wound myself up.’
‘I’m here for you, Aaron. Whenever you need me. Actually, even when you don’t need me.’
That made Aaron smile. He leaned over and kissed his boyfriend, throwing all of his gratitude into it.