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Sure, but can I ask why?
Eddie stares at the message and sort of hates himself for ever sending his one in the first place. Of course, she would ask why he is so desperate not to get a date that he asked her to bid on him with his own money. God, why did he ask Maddie of all people? He should have asked May. She would be equally, if not more, curious, but at least it would be easier to explain the why of it all to her. Instead, he now has to deal with Maddie, and while Eddie does like her a lot, they’ve never really been that close. And most importantly, she is Buck’s sister, which makes her the absolute last person on planet Earth he wants to tell his secret.
Eddie: Does it matter?
Maddie: I’m just curious. Would a date with a beautiful woman be that bad? It’s for charity.
Yes, yes it would. It would actually be the worst case scenario. Maybe he has the time to call in a bomb threat like Buck joked. Going to jail would certainly be a more preferable end to the evening than going on a date with a woman that spent a huge amount of money on him only to end up disappointed when he fails to meet her expectations. And he would fail. As he has every time he has even looked at a woman any time in his life. At least now he knows why, but knowing only makes him less inclined towards dating them.
He, of course, cannot tell Maddie any of that. But he is running out of time and options. He sends, If you do it, I will tell you after the auction. I promise. He will not be telling her the truth, but hopefully he can think of a convincing enough lie by the end of this thing.
─────
He indeed did not come up with anything. None of his usual excuses would work, he is well aware of that. Maddie is like a human lie detector and she has that older sister vibe that makes it so hard to be dishonest. So he does the same thing as always—he flees. And then conveniently forgets to text her for a couple of days. In his defense, Maddie doesn’t actually reach out either.
And then, five full days after the auction, just as he thinks he got away with it, he receives her text, Hey, Eddie. We didn’t get a chance to talk after the auction, so I was hoping we could get brunch this weekend. Either day works for me, and I know you have your 48–hours off, so just name the time. I know a great place!
Damn her for being so nice he can’t ignore the message guilt-free. And damn her for being married to his captain who, of course, told her their schedule so he can’t even pretend he is busy working. And damn Chimney for being such a good husband and not lying to his wife about their work schedule. And damn Buck for… well, for everything. None of this would be a problem if he didn’t exist.
He sets the brunch for Sunday to give himself the maximum amount of time to think his way out of it. Surely, he will figure something out.
─────
Eddie was, once again, wrong. Which is why he spends his Sunday morning in an extremely overpriced restaurant, sitting across from his best friend’s sister who is expecting him to spill his secrets. Fuck his life.
To her credit, Maddie doesn’t pry immediately. She inquires about how he is doing in relation to his injuries (“Pretty much all healed up now.”), asks about Tia Pepa (“She is getting another grandkid soon.”) and about Chris. Thankfully, that last one leads to a lengthy discussion since Eddie could genuinely talk about his son for days. He asks Maddie about Jee and Nash, and not only because he is trying to stall. He loves those kids, and he is reminded how easy Maddie is to talk to. They really should hang out more.
That is unless he has to leave the state after she gets the truth out of him. That would really be unfortunate, they could be such good friends.
The pleasant conversation manages to lull Eddie into a false sense of security, and he is almost surprised when Maddie asks, “So, the auction… fun night, right?” She is smiling in the same way she always does. Her warmth eases something in him a little, but not enough to get rid of the tightness growing in his chest.
“Yeah, sure. If you enjoy that sort of thing,” he says, managing to sound somewhat normal. Well done, Eddie.
“Oh, I enjoyed it a lot. I’ve never been to one before, actually.”
“Well, you don’t need it, right? Got a date waiting for you at home every night anyways.” Eddie realises he walked himself into a trap the second the words leave his mouth.
“True. That’s why it was so fun getting to bid on you. And I won!” she exclaims like the whole thing truly brought her joy even if she didn’t actually spend any money or win a date. Though she did get a brunch with Eddie and a promise of what she surely believes is hot gossip. From her perspective, Eddie can definitely understand the excitement.
“Yeah, you sure did,” Eddie says, playing dumb. He knows what she wants, but that doesn’t mean he will just give it to her. Not until she outright asks.
As if hearing his thoughts, Maddie says, “Now, about my fee. Tell me why you didn’t want anyone to win the bidding.”
Truthfully, he knows he could ask Maddie to back off. She is curious and likes to meddle, but she is also one of the kindest people Eddie knows. If he made it clear it is difficult for him to talk about this, she would drop it immediately. He could choose not to say it, and spend an unidentified amount of time pretending everything is the same. The problem is, that unidentified amount of time could stretch on forever. And the idea of living with this secret for the rest of his life terrifies him way more than telling the truth. He has to start somewhere, right? Maddie may turn out to be the exact right person to open himself up to.
“The truth is… I didn’t want a date because, um…” Being ready to say it out loud apparently did not mean he knows how to say it. What is wrong with him? People do this all the time. He just needs to get it over with. Three… two… one… “Because I don’t want to date women. I’m gay.”
There. Done.
It wasn’t even that hard. He has no idea why his voice sounded so shaky or why his fingers are drumming to an imaginary beat on the table or why Maddie’s hand covers them in an attempt of comfort.
“Oh, Eddie,” Maddie says, her voice soft and understanding. “Thank you for telling me.”
He hates how emotional this is getting. “It’s not a big deal.” He doesn’t even sound convincing to his own ears, so he knows Maddie isn’t fooled.
“It’s okay if it is. I’m sure it wasn’t easy figuring it out by yourself. If I’m correct in assuming I’m the first person you’ve told.”
Eddie still can’t quite get himself to look her in the eyes, but he manages a small nod.
Maddie suddenly stands up and pulls him into a tight hug. It’s exactly what he needed. Someone to listen to him and support him. Someone whose reaction he didn’t have to be scared of. Who would wipe away his tears and give him an encouraging smile.
“Thank you,” he says. It feels inadequate and he knows it’s not doing enough to show his gratitude, but he can’t say more due to the growing lump in his throat. Somehow he thinks Maddie understands anyways. She lets the quiet wash over them, her steady presence offering him a sense of comfort while he reconvenes.
As he goes over everything mentally, a question arises in his mind. “You didn’t seem surprised at all when I told you.”
Okay, more of an accusation than a question. But it’s true. She was sympathetic and sweet and accepting. Like immediately accepting. Almost like she knew it was coming.
“I wasn’t. Not exactly,” she said, and it did nothing to subdue Eddie’s fears. Is it that obvious? Does everyone else know? Most importantly, does Buck know?
Maddie must read the emotions on his face and she quickly tries to assure him by saying, “I didn’t know for sure or anything. And you know, I don’t exactly spend my free time speculating about your sexuality.” She flashes him a smile at that, and Eddie can’t help but give her a small one of his own. He really appreciates her efforts to cheer him up.
“But you still suspected it?”
“Not explicitly, no. I guess I just noticed some things over the years, and recently, I’ve been… noticing more.”
Eddie resists the urge to ask what exactly she has noticed. He isn’t sure he wants to hear the answer, so he focuses on the second part of her statement. “What does ‘recently’ mean? How recently?”
“Since Buck came out, I think.”
Fuck. He really hoped they could keep Buck out of this conversation. He truly has no idea where to go from here.
“So what, Buck realised he liked men and then by proxy I did too?” He meant to make it sound like a joke, but his tone completely betrayed him.
“No, Eddie, of course not,” Maddie said gently. “I think it was just the natural line of thinking. You guys are just so close and what you have is… well, it’s really special. I think it isn’t so insane to read something romantic into it.”
Eddie can’t breathe. “That’s… you can’t just…”
“Eddie.”
“I can’t talk about this. Not with you of all people.” Eddie knows how rude that must have sounded and when he looks at Maddie he can see the hurt on her face. She hides it quickly and once again places her hand on top of his.
“I won’t tell Buck if that’s what you’re worried about.”
“He’s your brother.” Eddie knows the Buckley siblings don’t have many secrets from each other. And he doubts Maddie could learn about Eddie’s feelings for Buck and keep it a secret for long.
“I’m not going to out you. Not to my brother, and not to anyone else. Give me some credit, come on!” Maddie is smiling again and Eddie is once again overtaken by appreciation for her easy understanding and joyful nature.
And of course he believes her. “Sorry. I know you wouldn’t, I’m just… scared, I guess.”
“I get it, but you know you don’t have to be. At least not with me here.”
Eddie offers her another “Thank you,” that feels small and frivolous.
“I promised myself not to meddle anyways. It didn’t do any good when I talked to Buck so I figured I should let you two work it out for yourselves.”
What? Eddie sort of can’t believe what he is hearing. “You talked to Buck about this? What did you say to him? What did he say?”
“He was… spinning out a bit when you were in Texas. I tried to nudge him in the right direction. And that’s all I have to say. You have to work this out on your own.”
Eddie tried to respect Maddie’s wish to not be further involved, but he at least had to ask about what exactly she wanted for her brother. “The right direction being… me?”
“Yes,” she said, as sure of herself as ever.
“Oh.” Oh, okay. Buck’s sister, the person he loves above everyone else and who knows him better than almost anyone, believes being with Eddie would be going in the right direction for Buck. Okay, sure.
If nothing else, his inability to form words amuses Maddie immensely. “Did I break you? Are you doing okay over there?” she asks, barely holding in her laugh.
“This is not funny! You can’t just say that and expect me to react normally.” Eddie contemplates leaving for a second. He really needs a nap. Or to be hit by a meteorite so he never has to think about any of this again.
“Hey, I deserve to make fun of you! You two idiots have been annoying me for years.”
“How exactly?”
“Nope, not telling you. No meddling.”
“How would that be meddling?” Eddie asks and she only shrugs in response, giving him a bright smile.
“You are seriously not going to tell me?” Maddie’s smile only grows wider as she takes a bite of her pancakes. “Okay, fine. Guess we will eat in silence then.”
They do stay silent for a little while, but it isn’t tense or uncomfortable. Eddie realises he is actually having fun. He came out to someone and the world didn’t end. Not that he thought it would, of course. He knew that everyone important in his life would accept him and he truly believed even his parents would learn to live with it. As he had said to Maddie, it wasn’t actually a big deal. Or it shouldn’t be. But logic didn’t do much to melt the fear of letting himself be open and happy about who he really is. Maddie, on the other hand, did help.
After a little while Maddie turns serious again and asks, “How do you feel about Buck?” Before he can answer she adds, “You know I have my suspicions, but I’d like to hear it from you if you want to tell me.”
Eddie hasn’t ever really had to put what he feels about Buck into words. He doesn’t think he could if he tried. His feelings are of such magnitude he can’t contain them in a few words. And Buck deserves better than some weak lines off the top of his head.
He knows Maddie isn’t really asking about those specifics, so he borrows her earlier words, “You wouldn’t be wrong to read something romantic into it. From my side, at least.” Maddie looks like she wants to scream “I told you so” at the top of her lungs, but she stays quiet and lets Eddie continue. He takes a deep breath and says, “I’m in love with him. Which, Jesus, I’ve never said that out loud before. I love him. I love Buck.”
Maddie looks positively giddy as she exclaims, “I knew it! Oh, I’m so happy. This is so great!”
“You don’t know that he feels the same.” But Eddie can feel how little he believes that as he says it. He knows Buck and he doesn’t think there is a world where it wouldn’t be true that Buck feels every bit as deep for Eddie as Eddie does for him. The only barrier this whole time has been Eddie’s cowardice, but he doesn’t feel as scared anymore.
Maddie goes to object or maybe to say she refuses to meddle again, but Eddie beats her to it, “Okay, I kind of can know that he does. I really think he does.”
“I think so too,” Maddie admits.
“Ha, so much for not meddling.”
“What do you think I’ve been doing this whole time?” Maddie says, sounding smug.
“So it was a tactic. That makes much more sense.”
“Eddie Diaz, are you insinuating I can’t keep out of other people’s business?" Her offence is clearly fake and they are both on the brink of laughter.
“You said it, not me,” he shrugs, but then adds, “Seriously though, I can’t be mad when it worked. You really helped me with all of this today and I can’t thank you enough.”
“Oh, Eddie, you don’t have to thank me. I just want you to be happy and I’m glad I could help.” A moment later she adds, “Now, if you want to make me happy, I suggest you go confess your feelings to my brother.”
Eddie can’t help but laugh. “Very smooth. Now I have to take your advice.”
They finish their food and make plans to meet up again. As Eddie exits the restaurant and enters his car, he realises he hasn’t felt this light in a long time. He likes it. He craves more of it. Because, he is finally realising, he truly does deserve to be happy and have the things he wants. And what he desires the most in the world is being with Buck, sharing a life with him and Christopher. And he is about to get all of it.
─────
Buck looks surprised to see him as he opens the door.
“Eddie, what are you doing here?” he asks as he lets him inside and they settle on the couch.
“I wanted to hang out.” Not actually a lie since he always wants to hang out with Buck.
“I thought you were on a date,” Buck says, looking almost… annoyed? Definitely unsettled, and all it does is make Eddie feel more hopeful.
He has to laugh at the implication, though. “Why would you think that?”
“You weren’t at your house when I went over there, and you weren’t answering your phone. Hen, Chim and Pepa all said you weren’t with them. Your location showed you at some restaurant, and I still don’t know who your mystery bidder was, so I figured you were meeting up.”
“I wasn’t at my house, so you resorted to stalking?” Eddie says jokingly, but he doesn’t think he can hide the fondness in his voice. He really loves this man so much.
“It’s not stalking! And excuse me for caring about your safety. The last time I didn’t know where you were going, I had to hear from Harry that you were in the hospital.”
“I was fine. Only minor injuries, nothing to worry about.”
“That’s really not the point,” Buck says, and then as if remembering what they were originally talking about, he adds, “Seriously, I can’t know who your date was with?”
“Maddie.”
Buck looks more confused than ever. “Maddie? Like my sister, Maddie? Chimney’s wife, Maddie?”
“Yes.” Eddie really should give him more information, but messing with Buck is always so fun he can’t help himself.
“My sister bid on you? And you went on a date with her? Eddie, what—”
He is interrupted by Eddie’s burst of laughter.
“Don’t laugh at me!”
That, of course, only makes him laugh harder. Buck is going to kill him.
“You guys don’t even talk! I’ve never seen you hang out on your own. And now she is bidding over two thousand dollars to what, talk to you, hang out? This makes no sense.” Buck is starting to get seriously rattled, and Eddie decides it may be time to drop the humor. He has some confessing to do.
“I asked her to bid on me, so that I wouldn’t have to go on a date with anyone. It was my own money, and she wanted to know why I asked her in the first place, so we went to brunch today to talk about it.”
“You bid on yourself? You really didn’t want to go on a date with anyone that badly?”
“You know I didn’t. I’ve been telling you that for months.” And he has. He never explained the real reason why, but every time Buck even mentioned Eddie starting to date again, Eddie had shot it down immediately.
“I thought you were scared because of everything that happened with Chris, but I figured you would get over it. I didn’t think you would actually pay money not to talk to women.”
“It’s not really about Chris.”
“So what is it then? You just decided to be celibate for no reason? Never date anyone again?”
“I didn’t say I would never date anyone again.”
“Okay, but—”
“I just don’t want to date a woman again.”
Buck stares at Eddie for a beat, clearly shocked by the implication of those words.
When he next speaks, it sounds high-pitched and all wrong. “You mean like, date men instead?”
“Yeah.” Eddie draws in a short breath and adds, “I’m gay.”
He thought admitting it for the second time to someone would be easier. It was, to a certain degree, but there was too much riding on Buck’s reaction.
Buck’s face was a mix of shock and understanding and something else Eddie couldn’t completely grasp. “That’s… uh, that’s great, Eddie.”
“You seem very sure about that, bud.”
“No, I mean it! I was just… surprised. I thought you were straight like three minutes ago. But you’re not, which is great. Amazing even! I’m happy for you.”
Buck still doesn’t sound as secure in his words as he would probably like to be, but Eddie can’t exactly blame him for it. He remembers how he felt when the situations were reversed. Buck telling him he was on a date with Tommy, Eddie assuring him things would stay the same between them, the uneasy feeling somewhere deep inside he refused to acknowledge and couldn’t name until recently. He hopes Buck feels the same right now.
“Thanks, man.”
“So, uh, you told Maddie this?”
“Don’t tell me you’re jealous.” Eddie was almost entirely sure that was the case. He was also sure Buck would not admit it.
As if on cue, Buck replied, “What, no! I’m just asking. You guys never seemed that close, so it seems weird you would come out to her first.”
“I did owe her an explanation for the auction thing. And she was really easy to talk to about everything.”
Buck smiles proudly at that. He adores his sister and never passes up an opportunity to say something nice about her. “Yeah, obviously. Maddie is great. I’m glad she could be there for you. She is seriously the best person to open up to. I can always talk to her about anything.”
“Speaking of that, she did mention something I wanted to run by you.”
“You talked about me? What did she say?”
“She told me you were,” and Eddie uses quotation marks for the next part, “‘spinning out a bit’ while I was in Texas.”
Buck goes a bit pale at that. “She told you about the Tommy thing? I can’t believe her! I promise I can explain whatever she said. It’s really not what you’re thinking,” he says defensively.
And—what? “What Tommy thing?”
Buck winces as he realises he had just revealed the secret himself. “It was nothing, really. Forget about it.”
“Buck.”
Reluctantly Buck tells him, “Tommy and I hooked up when you were in Texas. But it was just one night and it really isn’t a big deal.”
Oh, but it is. Because Maddie specifically said she tried to talk to Buck about Eddie and their relationship when he was in Texas. Which apparently was the same conversation that they discussed Buck’s ill-advised hookup in. “Tell me what you talked to Maddie about, Buck.”
Buck looks almost scared to speak, but after some internal battle, he finally speaks, “When Tommy broke up with me, when he said he wasn’t my last… he said it because he thought you would be. He thought I was in love with you and that I would eventually, like, leave him for you or something. That’s what I talked to Maddie about.”
Oh.
Okay.
Eddie kind of can’t believe Tommy knew before he did. Tommy, who had been his friend, spent the entire time they hung out thinking Eddie wanted his boyfriend. He was right, obviously, but still.
“And are you? In love with me?”
“Eddie…” Buck’s voice is quiet and filled with anxiety. “I didn’t know, I swear. I had no idea, but then Tommy said it and Maddie said it wouldn’t be crazy if it were true and I tried to ignore it because you were straight, but you are not apparently, and then I was at Stitch And Bitch yesterday and I mentioned you and told them everything and they were so sure we were perfect together and started planning our wedding and I just—fuck, it doesn’t matter.” Buck got up and started pacing as he continued to ramble on, “I can get over it. It doesn’t have to be weird, right? We are still friends and—” Buck cuts off as Eddie places a hand on his shoulder.
As much as Eddie wants to ask about his and Buck’s wedding, he figures there is time for that. First, he should probably let Buck know he wanted there to be one.
“What if they are right?”
“What?”
“Tommy, Maddie, the knitting community. What if it isn’t so crazy?”
“Eddie, w-what are you saying?”
“I’m in love with you.”
Buck’s eyes go wide. He searches Eddie’s face for something—hesitation or a sign that he is messing with him again—but he doesn’t seem to find it. “You are serious.”
“I am.”
Eddie barely finishes the sentence when Buck’s hands settle on his face and his lips meet Eddie’s. And it’s, well it is it. It’s the thing he was always meant to feel and never quite managed to. It finally feels right. Because it’s Buck. Buck, who has been his best friend for years. Who has been there for him in his worst moments and never turned his back on him. Who loves him. Who is currently kissing him.
When they pull apart, the only sound Eddie hears is a soft, “Oh,” escaping Buck’s mouth.
“Oh? That’s all you have to say to me?” Eddie asks, feeling a grin overtaking his face.
This time there is a matching smile on Buck’s face. “I’m in love with you, too.”
“I knew that. You are not subtle.”
“Fuck off! You did not!” Still smiling, a little more doubtful now, he says, “Did you really?”
“Kind of, yeah. When I figured out how I felt, everything else made more sense, too.”
“You think everyone else knows, too?”
“Probably. We are, apparently, idiots who have been pissing them off with our bullshit for years,” Eddie said recalling Maddie’s words.
“Did Maddie seriously say that to you?”
“More or less, yeah.”
“Well, you should have told her to mind her own business.”
“Good thing she doesn’t, though. She encouraged me to come over here and tell you how I feel.” And Eddie couldn’t be more grateful to her then he is at this moment. He just got everything he wanted, and none of it would be happening if she didn’t push him to go for it.
“I guess her meddling does come with some perks.”
“It does, and you should be thankful.”
“What are you, her advocate now? You guys cannot become friends, my life will be insufferable.”
“Too late. Deal with it.”
Buck continues to protest, but he looks as joyful as Eddie feels.
Later, Eddie will text Maddie to thank her again. And they will have brunch again. And some years later she will stand right next to Buck as he and Eddie get married. And Eddie cannot wait.