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Sometimes, I would find it so… odd, that we’re friends.
Idling around in that potion shop, watching you fumble a recipe for the third time that day… it’s hard to not think about how different it all feels.
For the longest time, my best friend on the entire server was someone who was just like me. Logical, perceptive, intelligent. We were like two sides of the same coin, so similar even in our differences.
Wifies was smarter, though. It took me a white to realize that. And maybe that fact is why it all feels so strange.
I didn’t think the Director and Paragon hurt and changed me as much as it truly did. Sure, I could feel the weight of that grief on my chest, that emptiness that would never fully leave me, but… I found it haunting my thoughts all the time too.
How could I not be wary? My best friend knew me better than I knew myself. Knew how to get to me in all of the perfect ways. I want to trust people, but I found it— sometimes still find it— so… hard.
I had to force myself to realize that people weren’t out to get me, not in the way Wifies was. I had to force myself to be vulnerable sometimes, because I knew if I shut everyone away I’d just ruin my relationships with the people who did care. I’ve done it before and I still regret it to this day.
And I guess I notice that it doesn’t feel so hard with you, with the way you act. The way you’re so earnest. The way you gave me choices, options, agency… I hate to be mean but you’re nowhere as smart as Wifies was, but that’s what I find so charming about being your friend. You wouldn’t be able to hide a dark secret to save your life! And that’s what makes it so easy. I trust you to be honest with me.
But, as much as all of those traits were helpful for me, fresh out of Paragon, I couldn’t help but truly feel all of those differences in our time together.
Me and Wifies were in sync. We understood each other without words. Simply meeting our gaze could communicate so much because we just knew each other like that. But that doesn’t work with you. Probably doesn’t help that I can’t even see your eyes most of the time.
It just feels so strange, having to explain my thought process all the time. Every time you just don’t get it. All of the times my silence speaks nothing to you.
Is it cruel that those moments make me wish you were Wifies? That he could be back, that he could be my best friend and we could explore the server together again…
It certainly feels cruel. Especially when I get so caught up in those kinds of thoughts.
When I’d make a reference you don’t get, or a joke that doesn't land with you. When you’d give up a nice day to relax in favor of practicing PvP. The way you hug less than he did. The way you’re often louder than him. How I can feel the difference in the way you preen. How you’re sometimes really clumsy. How you have to ask what certain words I say mean, or when you misspell a potion label even though I’ve corrected you on it in the past four separate times.
Because none of it feels like Wifies. Wifies just spoke and walked and talked and acted and behaved in ways I grew so used to that now… all I can think about is how different you are. How much I miss him.
It’s hard, missing someone like this. Missing someone like Wifies, for reasons I wish I could truly tell you. And at some point, I started to realize how unfair to you I was.
Everything you did I always internally compared to Wifies. Whether it was similar or different— though usually it was your differences. It was like you were living in his shadow, without ever knowing or wanting to. Like you weren’t your own person, but instead a constant reminder of who you aren’t.
You didn’t save me at spawn to replace anyone. You didn’t move into the potion shop to be my new duo. You don’t stick around to fill the void that Wifies left behind. You’ve done all of this because you care about me and want to be my friend. Anything about you being the “new best friend” to replace Wifies came from me, and just me. And it’s not even true!
You aren’t Wifies. And I hate to admit how long it took for that to truly cement in my head. How long it took for me to realize that his ghost followed you with everything you did. How I always looked at you in relation to Wifies.
It’s just not fair to you.
I want to be your friend too. But this entire time, I’ve never let myself truly get to know you. I want to know you. I want to learn to know you without comparing you to someone you’re nothing like.
I don’t want to be stuck in the past.
I want to know what you like to do in your free time. I want to engage in your hobbies and show you mine, find something we can do together. I want to know your favorite food. I want to see what we share in common, the best places to go out to eat or the best dishes to prepare so we can chat over our favorite meals. I want to just talk with you, hearing your stories, sharing mine, talking about the world! I don’t want to ruminate on how little you know about the world, I want to get up and show you it, make the differences between us fun! There’s so much to life, so much to living that I’ve missed… and now I want to live it with you, not a ghost.
…
I’ve grown to stop comparing you two, nowadays. You’re my best friend, not a Wifies replacement. You never were.
You’re Theobald.
And honestly, I couldn’t ask for you to be any more than that.