Chapter Text
MORI’S POV
I don’t want to move yet. Not even an inch. But the light on my face is bothering me already. I did not tuck in the curtains again last night, perhaps before going to bed. I can hear the low sound coming from my air conditioning unit. It is solemn and gentle, effortlessly dragging me back to sleep. I curve my lips into a small smile. I love quiet mornings. The undisturbed. The untouched. This, like this, until-
notification ding:
today’s to-do list:
- pick up the cupcakes at Flor’s
- drop off lisa
- pick-up tita v to airport
- bea’s session
- marble tile delivery (main branch)
- restau duty for abuela
- david’s session
Yep. What a way to start my day, huh. Has my day always felt like this?
Of course, not (most of the time, really)
It wasn’t easy being the only person in your family to have a car. Well, for our case, the only person who loves driving and does nothing all day. Because the reality is, owning a car would mean that you will suddenly be their unpaid errand girl. Now, come to think of it, funny how I always dreamed of driving and owning a car-in an instant, it turns into something I might reconsider calling a “dream.”
If you’re thinking that I don’t have a job, then you’re wrong. I have WFH job. I’m-
*message notification*
“Hi doc, is now a good time?”
“I have an emergency meeting later on my schedule po.”
Talk about timing, right? Yes, I’m a psychiatrist. And to start it properly, it’s okay because I’m used to being called the mind reader, “the know-it-all, and amongst all the stereotypes in my field. Because as long as I’m helping someone, I know I’m doing what I’m meant to do. Enough of the rambling, because my patient’s waiting and I was already calculating in my head how to stretch my limited time to cater to all my to-do-list now that I will have this unexpected session popping in.
Screw it. I’ll just wing it. Like I always do.
I responded immediately as I could. I pace to my bathroom and brush my teeth. And then, I splash some water on my face to “freshen up.” Hoping it will make a person who just woke up not feel like it. Hey, don’t judge.
“Good day, I am available now. Just give me five to log in. Thank you.”
I glanced myself in the mirror and finished up. I ran quickly to my closet to grab my coat as I brushed some tangled hair from sleep, put on some lip tint. I checked my reflection again and nodded to myself. Hmm, that will do.
My patient replied, “Thank you po, doc! I’m here na po sa zoom room.”
I settled into my chair across my desk, my messy desk I mean. My books and charts, sticky notes and my yesterday’s mug were all there in front of me. I opened my laptop, logged in, straightened my posture and opened my camera. And with the sweetest smile, despite being on my sleeping short which wasn’t on the frame I made sure. God forbid I’ll absentmindedly stand up. Oh, Mori not again. Yes, it happened before.
I greeted my patient and said, “Hi, Bea. I’m sorry for the delay, shall we start?”
She smiled back, “No worries, doc. Okay po.”
Bea’s one of my regulars. And she’s one of those patients I was genuinely proud to have. She’s been through so much and to be able to guide her and to see her become who she is now-has been my silent and truest joy.
It turns out that she squeezed in this session with me because she has this important encounter later on her meeting that could escalate some of “our progress” into waste. I have to be there for her, more than anything. But our mid-session, a relentless knock on my door with the raging voice disrupt our call. It was Kuya Ren. My loud brother annoys me once again. I don’t have to guess.
“Mori, gising na, ma-la-late si Lisa!” He banged my door again as if the first one wasn’t enough.
I glanced back at my laptop screen, “I’m sorry for that.”
“It’s okay, doc.” Bea said.
She heard it despite the noise cancelling function from the meeting. That was how loud it was.
I love my niece. I love my niece. I love my brother. I love my brother.
I kept on repeating on my head while apologetically smiling back to Bea.
But Kuya being annoying that he is, continued to be one apparently.
“MORI JULES TINIO LIN! TULOG MANTIKA KA NANAMAN!”
I pinched the bridge of my nose as I closed my eyes or else I will roll them in front of my patient. I breathed in and composed myself before I addressed my throbbing brother outside my room.
“Sorry, I’ll just-” I said to Bea as I muted myself from our call and turned off my camera.
I did not even wait for her answer. I shouted back at my brother while looking back at my closed door.
“I have a patient, Kuya for Christ’s sake! Let me finish it in ten!” I said while rolling my eyes.
Finally, I can do so as I fumed my irritation while seated on my swivel chair.
“Your pamangkin has a function at school, akala ko ba free ka ngayon?!” He answered back.
I did some mocking face while repeating what he just said as I dusted off my keyboard.
“Bilisan mo dyan or kakaladkadin kita palabas ng kwarto mo!” He wasn’t done at all.
I groaned and ran my fingers through my hair as I heard him reprimanding his daughter.
“Lisa! ‘Wag nang tumakbo, anak! Lisa, anak!”
“For the love of Go-”
I said out in the air and glanced back at my screen only to see Bea staring at me as if she can see me. I widened my eyes. She can see me. I confirmed again as I approached my screen and moved my cursor. My camera wasn’t turned off after all. She was fighting all the urges she has not to laugh at me.
May araw ka na naman sa’kin Kuya!
My insides were panicking. My hands shook the way they never were as I fumbled with the buttons of my keyboard. How ironic it is to be a psychiatrist in a complete disaster in front of a patient. I clicked back my mic on and started to bring back all the dignity left in me.
“Oh my, I am very sorry, Bea. I thought I-”
I started to say, but I paused mid-sentence when she laughed back at me. I never heard her laugh like that in a while. It wasn’t like she hasn’t before. But it turns out, on one of my devastating images to date in front of my patients, became unexpectedly rewarding on my part.
She paused after a while. I just looked at her with a gentle smile. I let her speak first. She adjusted her position and looked down on her hands before returning her gaze back to me. A contented pause. Then, she started talking.
“Honestly, doc? By just by seeing this side of you po was something I never thought I needed. This part of our session makes me feel better.”
Her confession was bare, honest and all that she is. There was part of me that wanted to quiet being her therapist but most of my part wanted to say something back.
“Because just like you, I am also a mess? Is that it?”
I said while chuckling lowly and I waited for her reply as I fixed my coat.
She did not answer me but I saw it in her eyes.
“You’ve known me enough and for sure you’ll know by now when I’m lying, doc.”
She laughed at me as I did too.
For all the years that I’ve known her. She was right.
Working with emotions, mind you, wasn’t a piece of cake. There are boundaries. There are walls. And there are lines for a reason. And if there’s one thing I’ve learned from what I do, is that there are all there for immeasurable reasons. For you. For your patient. And for what’s the point of it all.
Because for a second, it felt like talking to a friend. But I’m her therapist. I am her guide. And nothing more than that. Sessions should feel like talking to one, but it was never meant to be tarnished. And both know that.
There was a pause before I shifted back slowly.
“That was not my best suit.” I said sternly but gently like I always do.
“I am sorry, Bea.” I continued while she shook her head.
She raised her hand gesturing that it was completely fine and she understood it.
“No, Doc. I’m better now compared kanina.” She replied and she meant every word.
“I’m so sorry for that. Really.” I second it. It was for me this time and for all the thought it may bring.
She glanced back at me and gave me a little curve on the corner of her lips. She does that whenever she doesn’t know what to say. Or when she knows what to say but she’s afraid that it doesn’t sound like it was something big. And over all the sessions I had with her, I knew too well when to probe. When to lay back. When to leave it that way.
I took my time to let it settle between us. She fidgets her fingers and exhaled deeply. She’s getting there. And I know she can do it. She just needs time to mean it herself. And I’m here to wait until she does.
“I’m all good po, doc. No worries.”
She managed to say those words. Not only addressing my words but also letting me know that, despite all the interruptions and awkward pauses we had on our session, our time together still helped her.
I’m proud of you, Bea.
I did not need to say it out loud. I let my eyes said enough for my words to reach her.
And Bea’s nod gave me the answer that she understood it completely.
It always ends like this.
And it felt like a sense of déjà vu every damn time. I was like I’ve seen this before. I’d been here before. This felt to be familiar. This was so close to home.
But just like the saying goes, “cut from the same cloth, tailored differently"
I’ve met many Beas over the years. They have different burdens that seem almost the same at first glance. Their struggles. They may seem to have similar triggers and episodes. Their reactions were often uncannily identical. But no two are the same-not really.
Listening to and supporting all those other Beas is different from being her, now, with this Bea.
And it always should be.
“I’m rooting for you on your meeting. And I’m here when you’re ready to talk about it after.”
I said to her as the finality of our session is coming at hand.
She tweaks her camera angle and said, “Thank you so much po. I’ll go ahead.”
“Thank you for your time, Doc Lin.”
And as the screams subside from outside my door. The calm of the morning enveloped my half decent, professional body. It was a good way to jump start my day-helping someone.
And my heart always sings whenever I do.
“I’m here for you, Bea. Thank you and have a great one today.”
“Goodbye, Doc. Thank you po.”
And as she exited the zoom room, writing done her progress on her chart, for a moment I wonder what she’ll be like after the call.
Is she really going to be okay on that meeting? I hope.
Or is she pretending to be fine all along? I hope not.
Did I know her well enough? That’s a loaded question.
Am I really helping her? I really hope so.
Because every session done wasn’t only for them, but also in a way my evaluation on myself. I was like a mirror. I see them. I see myself. In moments after, I also wonder if I’m doing enough for them. If balancing and winging my life and this truly. Because who I am if I won’t be the person they needed me to be?
And they say being a psychiatrist is just a bunch of play pretends, empty hours of words and silences. Of course, let’s not leave the part about-money wasted for nothing. It’s not. This is my life. This is my reality: imperfect, messy, and hard-won victories stitched together in one. And helping even a single person, for me, will always be the reason to keep doing it all over again.
A sudden shout from the hallway yanked me back: “MORI PARANG AWA, BUMABA KA NA!!!”
It was followed by a voice which was one of my weakest spots, and probably will be for all of her life.
“Tita Mori! Let’s go na!”
Right. This session was just one of my to-do’s today. But at least, I got to cancel one out already. I closed my laptop. I didn’t get the chance to take a bath. But who will know right? I changed my clothes into something more casual since it will be a long day for me. I grabbed by things, checked my reflection on the mirror again and made my way down to the living space.
School fair is start at nine, and I don’t know what’s the rush because I know I can make it in time.
“You’re wearing that outside, Tita?”
“Really? Hindi ka man lang naligo?”
I just rolled my eyes to my brother and picked up Lisa’s bag as I kissed her puffy cheeks. She giggled lightly. This is the reason why I love kissing my niece, she always does that to me. Lisa gestured her hands up in the air and I naturally lifted her up into my arms as I settled her at the side of my hips while adjusting her bag strap on my shoulder.
“Yung cupcakes ha, ‘wag mong kalimutan.” My brother said while kneeling down to attend to Lisa.
He fixed her daughter’s pigtails and her nameplate.
“And, doon na lang daw didiretso- si- Steph.” He continued stuttering as if saying her ex-wife’s name would burn her throat while glancing shortly at me.
“Okay. And okay.” I said while smirking lightly at him.
He stood up and tried dusting his sleeves as if it needed one.
“You know you can escape her, Kuya right? The fact that you and her have a-” I was stopped by him.
“Not now. Just drop my daughter to school, please? I just-” And he cannot continue any longer.
“I know. You’re annoying, Kuya. But you know you can always count on me.” I said sincerely.
We were interrupted by Lisa, “Tita Mori, is Mommy gonna be there?”
Lisa’s face was full of confusion, weariness and hope that she will see her mother later.
Kuya and his ex-wife might not work out in the long run but they became civil enough for Lisa. I looked back to my brother as we exchanged knowing looks that was enough for us to make it easier for Lisa. Always.
My brother held on Lisa’s hand while lowering himself again for his daughter.
“Anak, sorry if I won’t be there with you, hmm? But I’ll pick you up after, okay? And then, we’ll buy that doll you like and eat ice cream at the park. What do you say?”
Lisa looked at her father’s face and slowly lighten up, “Promise?”
“Promise. Now, kiss Daddy and be good to Tita Mori, okay?”
Kuya Ren responded while kissing her forehead. My heart’s for them. And as long as I can lend a helping hand in any way, on any side, in any circumstances, I will. Because the world is too busy talking enough about similar kind that they know nothing about.
I said while getting Lisa’s things, “I’ll pick up Tita V sa airport pagkatapos kong i-drop si Lisa.”
“Uuwi ako after, then ako na bahala dun sa delivery at resto duty mamaya.”
“Sabi ko naman sa’yong kami na bahala ni Ate Nami doon.” My brother clocked me up.
He must have known about me agreeing to be the one to handle the delivery today. Our family owns textile and construction companies, to name a few. Some of our cousins were into livestock and farming, housing and food industries. Yes, we do it all. Come to think of it, perhaps, that’s why I’m always on the move. That’s why I am always driven. That’s why I cannot sit still. That’s why I always wanted to do something. I am wired since I was young to be like this. I wasn’t just playing in mud and coins when I was a kid. I was also thought to handle money and give the change for our sukis at the family diner. Together with my cousins and my siblings, we were gathered as one for our family traditions every now and then but also counting on our weaves and noodle boxes over tea time.
So, how can I say no to my Tito and Abuela right? And besides, I do not have anything on my plate yet. Sev, my most energetic cousin, says that she’s occupied with her business. For all I know, she’s just making an excuse to meet her crush named Gen at the office again, if I remembered it right. Ate Mich and Ate Cess said that they will visit me tomorrow as planned. They were my friends since college, more like my sisters, really. So, I’m their girl for today. Bring it on.
“You have your important case, Kuya. And Ate has to handle the party tomorrow. It’s fine.” I said.
“Are you sure?” My brother asked. He’s a complete idiot sometimes but he’s sweet. And annoying.
So, to make sure he knows its fine. I tease him instead, “Libre mo na lang ako ng load.”
He laughed at me. Like full-on laughing with that judgemental tone. Bakit pa ba ako nag joke ulit?
“Really? Doc Lin? Load? Ano ka highschool?!”
“Dali na sendan mo’ko ng pera sa GCash.”
I pleaded a little. I’m out of online cash, okay? I need to get my own satisfaction somehow.
“Please please, or else kakainin ko isang cupcake ni Lisa later.”
I threatened him. To which is also possible I might add because those cupcakes were to die for. I swear.
“You will not!”
“Tita Mori, no!”
The two of them raised their voice at the same time glaring at me. Now, I’m entertained.
“Relax geez. Mag-ama nga kayo. Tara na, Lisa baby. Go na, Kuya. I got her, and the load ha? Pleaaaase. Thank you you’re the best brother in the whole wide world!”
I said as I took Lisa’s hand and kissed my brother’s cheeks before we waved him good bye and before he teased me back on kissing him because I do not usually do that. Desperate cases need desperate measures. I did not hear anything from him while we walked out of our house. I guess it worked, Mori.
-
I fastened Lisa’s seatbelt at the back seat before I sat and drove the car to the bakery. It was still early, relatively, so traffic won’t be an issue yet. I checked Lisa’s reflection on the rearview mirror. I saw her playing with her beaded glittery bag charms behind me.
“Are you okay, there baby?” I asked as I started my car.
“Yah.” She said to me, by not looking at me, completely. Bag charms trumps Tita Mori again.
I just shook my head and drove my car. I honked a little louder to signal that we’re already leaving. Manong Fred gave us a wave when he opened the front gate for us. I gave him a salute gesture which I’ve been doing for him since I was young.
The bakery’s just three blocks away from our house so we arrived in no time. I was about to park but I can already see smiling Manang Flor waiting for me by her glass door with the cupcake boxes. I honked lightly and moved my car by the portico of her shop. All our cakes, pastries, any bake goods-you name it-we all get them here since we were on diapers. Manang Flor and her family was like our own through the years. Her children were our playmates until we had our own lives to work on.
I lowered the window from Lisa’s side as I went down from the vehicle to pay my respect to Manang Flor as I grabbed the boxes from her hold.
“Manang Flor, sorry po, late po ba ako?” I asked while handling the boxes from her grip.
“No, anak. I just wanted to be here agad.” She said while pinching my cheeks.
“And look at this munchkin, hello Lisa darling. Ang laki-laki mo na apo.” She said while pinching Lisa’s cheeks this time. Lisa giggled and took Manang Flor’s hand to her forehead.
“Hi Mama Flor!” She said while kneeling at the seats. Her head’s almost half off the window.
“Big baby with her big attitude na po yan minsan.”
I said while placing the boxes securely on the passenger seat.
“I’m not?!” Lisa immediately said while raising her brow on me.
She’s a little spiteful than I am when I was her age. But she’s cute, so I keep her around (kidding).
“Ay sus, I heard from Camcam how you rule your classroom eh.” Manang Flor reasoned out.
She’s slightly agreeing with me to tease Lisa a little too. Camcam’s her apo. Lisa’s classmate at school.
“Kidding aside, sige na mga anak. Baka ma-late pa si Lisa. Ingat kayo ha?”
She said while kissing Lisa again for the last time.
“Thank you so much po, Manang Flor!” I said as I went back to my seat.
“Babye po!” Lisa chimed in too
We waved goodbye to Manang Flor but when I checked on Lisa again against the rearview mirror, she’s still glaring at me. Her hands were both on her chest, crossed, and her lips were pouting out of her face. I just stuck my tongue out and chuckled at her adorable face right now. So, I just drove fast before she melted on my seats.
-
On our way to Lisa’s preschool, I received the money transfer from my Kuya. Yes! I won again. I wasn’t low on budget at all. But hey, it’s just strategic planning, okay? I’m doing him a favor for crying out loud (which I accepted wholeheartedly). I just hope I won’t ever see her ex-wife there. Because I swear. She’s scary as hell. Pardon, Lisa. Pati na rin sa Kuya ko. I’m just being honest here.
At the stoplight, I took the opportunity to load my number since I need to contact Tita V as well or else she will burn me alive if I don’t. And just thinking about how my ride with her will be later would definitely not be this peaceful like right now. I’ll hear all the complaints and raging stories about her delayed flight, or random mean passenger or unpleasant moment at the plane. Whatever that is, I just hope I’ll be at home alive and well.
I opened my GCash app, logged in and selected my go-to load. I entered my number when a honk from the back distracted me. Shit. Lisa laughed at me. I just sighed, and I drove forward while honking a little as an apology to the driver behind me. As I stepped on the gas, I hit the “next” button on the screen.
I took the left as the security guard greeted me. I lowered down my windows and greeted him. I parked the car and guided Lisa out of the car while I balanced my phone, Lisa’s stuffs and the cupcake boxes in my hands.
“Tita Mori, Teacher Marie’s there po! Give me the cupcakes!” Lisa said as soon as she stepped out of the car. She laid her hands in the air. I did not give her the boxes, of course. When she knew I wouldn't, she ran as fast as she could to her teacher without even locking her car door.
“Lisa, baby, don’t run!”
I locked her door as I walked closer to her. She did not even take her bag with me and just hugged her teacher. But lo and behold, she swerved back to me and took her back while I lowered myself for her to kiss my cheeks. She always does that whenever she says goodbye to me.
“Bye, Tita! I love you!”
She said while running inside the classroom, leaving her teacher and me outside.
I gave the cupcakes to her homeroom teacher. We had a courteous little conversation before I left the school. Thankfully, Steph wasn’t there yet, but Teacher Marie said she confirmed that she will come today. When I saw her coming closer, I swiftly bid goodbye to Teacher Marie and swooped inside the classroom to tell Lisa that her mother was coming, so I'd better go. And then, after my successful escape from one of my fears, I returned to my car and typed to my car panel my next destination.
I checked on my phone only to see that my GCash app’s still on hold. It was still on the page of confirming and clicking the payment. I did immediately and drove as fast as I could.
-
I was caught in traffic on the way to the airport. I opened my data to check the flight status, hoping that Tita’s plane hadn’t landed yet, but it wasn’t working. I checked again, but it’s still nothing. I thought it was the reception but it wasn’t. I went to my notifications, but it turns out I did not receive the load I made a while back. Huh. There was no confirmation at all. I checked my history again just to be sure. Nothing. No messages. Nothing.
I went to my transaction history, and I really did load something a while ago. I clicked the info, and there it was. I entered the wrong number.
Classic Mori
I can hear my friends’ voices at the back of my head. “Here we go again.”
In my defense, not that it happened before. But yes, I often have little inconveniences here and there. I won’t list them down here. But yeah. Not that it’s really a big thing. Although saying naman. Kupit ko ‘yun from my Kuya pa naman. Wala talaga mapupuntahan kapag from evil nagsimula. Hays.
I just bit my tongue and did it again. I have to have a load, data and call for Tita or else I’ll be screwed.
Once I received the confirmation, I immediately checked the flight status. And I’m safe. It was delayed.
The traffic cleared out after a while, and I tapped my steering wheel while I jammed on the sound from the radio. I arrived at the airport on time. I parked my car and approached the arrival area to wait for Tita V. I texted my Kuya about Lisa and how I escaped her ex-wife like a scared cat, but still it worked.
And then, I received a notification from my sister.
She asked me about Steph, Lisa, and Kuya, of course. Napaka-chismosa talaga kahit kelan?
I left her on read because I could see Tita V’s eyes were focused on me already.
“Mori!!” She shouted so loud nahiya tuloy ako sa mga tao sa paligid.
Tita V was one of my father’s sisters. She lives in Australia, and she’s that Tita who screams, “I don’t have a child, but I can pay for all your children’s tuition,” kind of vibe. She migrated long before I was even born. She has a little café business there, which features our coffee bean seeds. Yes, we are really a business-minded family. Don’t ask why.
“Welcome back, Tita!” I said while I dragged one of her LV luggage from her grip.
I paid my respect, and we made beso in the middle of the aisle. She smells so expensive, and here I am in my worn-out jeans and pure aura without shower and breakfast.
“You’ve aged, anak! How are you being the errand girlie of our family for years?”
She asked me as we walked side by side away from the aisle, so that we won’t be interrupting anyone.
“As if they do not own multiple cars, Tita, but I’m still sane, I guess.”
I said while we made our way to the parking lot.
“My flight was exhausting. Alam mo bang ilang minutes kaming nag-iintay sa baggage naming kanina?”
And that’s the start of the endless yap from her. There were mixed feelings for me. I just hope she won’t notice that I did not shower this morning, or else, the entire family will hear that over dinner tomorrow and for the next gathering, for sure.
But so far, all is good. Because my to-dos are being done.
today’s to-do list:
- pick up the cupcakes at Flor’s
- drop off lisa
- pick-up tita v to airport
- bea’s session
- marble tile delivery (main branch)
- restau duty for abuela
- david’s session
-
The traffic was unimaginable. I’ll never get used to this. At all. And having weird and inappropriate conversations with Tita V did not help either. It only made me tense and beg for a miracle to happen. Her rants and internal monologues were boundless. From the tiniest “I’m experimenting a new flavour sa café” detail to “I woke up sore, scratches all over my body and honey traces on peculiar places”. But like what they say, right? Buckle up, baby.
I thought as time and exhaustion from the flight would daunt her, but then she started asking me, I just knew I would never escape this.
“So? Are you single right now? Kamusta yung nireto ko sa’yo last time? Hot, right?”
She used to set me up. Yes. But she never knew that I never got to meet any of them. Hindi sa I’m that “hindi sumipot” or “making plans for a date then making excuses not to come” type of woman, okay? I just don’t want to date anyone at that time being.
“She was.” I just politely said and hoping not to have any more follow-up comments.
“She was? It didn’t last ano?” I did not have to answer that because-
“Figures. I know you won’t like her in the long run naman. Plus, you’re practically married to work and being one hundred percent there for our family’s businesses or anything under the sun. So, why would I bother setting you up again?”
I knew she was stating facts. But it sounded a little like a can-opener moment for me.
“What’s that supposed to mean, Tita?”
I asked while glancing back at her for a second before I took my right turn on the next alley.
“Nothing. I mean, kudos to you, anak.” She started while reapplying her makeup.
But then, she stopped and I can feel the extensive gaze from her. She took her time to say all these.
“I just hope you’re happy and free, too. I know everything means well to you. You love making your people happy. I know you would jump hoops for anyone in need of you.”
“I just hope you’ll be like me. I mean not me, but you know what I mean?” I do? I mean, do I?
“I just hope you allow yourself to need something and desire happiness for yourself as well.”
That made my mind awake. I knew I did not stop driving, but parts of me did. I know I am happy with the way I live my life. I love making people happy. It brings me so much joy knowing I’m helping them. It makes me want to be better. It makes me feel like I was meant to give so much because, in return, I got to feel at ease. It shapes me. It makes me feel like I do not need anything more. Do I?
“I’m happy with my life, Tita.”
“I know. You are. That’s not what I meant at all. And you’ll know what I mean when you see it. I swear.”
She gave my shoulder a quick pat and smiled back at me like she really meant something I don’t know.
“You’ll never know what you’re craving for unless you taste it yourself.” She said last.
I paused my thoughts for a while to glance back at her.
“That sounded genuine yet completely sexual, Tita,” I commented.
She said while giving me a satisfied smug and a little chuckle, “And I meant every word.”
-
We arrived at our family house just in time for lunch. This family house owned by my father’s parents has been my home for my entire childhood. I grew up and made sense of the world here. This is the place where it all started. Tita V slept a bit on our ride after her utterly on-point advices for me. When we walked our way to the main room, my grandparents were there, having their tea. Some of my Titas and Titos where there too. My cousins were probably indulging themselves across every nook and cranny of this estate.
“Vilma, my unica hija!” Abuela Elba said in delight while dropping her cup at the side table.
“Kamusta, anak? Namiss ka naming.” Abuelo Julio said while approaching closer to us.
I smiled as Tita V returned their embrace. “Namiss ko din po kayo.”
Abuela beamed. “Nagpaluto ako ng mga paborito mo, anak. Come, let’s eat.”
“I know you must be tired from your flight.”
She glanced around. “Manang Sita? Where are the kids?”
Then she turned to me, “Mori, apo, stay and have dinner with us tonight. Why don’t you sleep over, too? May party naman bukas. You can have some me time in your cozy old room.”
I shook my head gently, “Abuela, sa bahay na lang po ako uuwi. I have to visit the casa later, too.”
“Sev said he can’t look after things tonight. Hindi niya po nasabi sa inyo?”
Her eyes were annoyed yet entertained, “She must be trailing Gen again, that girl.”
“Talagang batang 'yun, hindi mapakali.”
I laughed. “Sige na po, I have to leave. I’ll see you na lang po tomorrow at the party.”
Abuelo gave my shoulder a gentle squeeze. “Ingat ka, Mori.”
-
After my ride home, I quickly took a shower and joined my mother for lunch. She was stressed out for tomorrow’s party. Unlike, my father’s side, my mother’s family wasn’t really like them: traditions, parties, laughing and gossiping over tea, and practically own the village by all businesses owned. My mother’s family was more reserved, very quiet, and seldomly have families together.
Even if they owned hectares of land and owned few properties in Japan, they weren’t as close-knit as the Lins. I don’t know if there were deep seated rivals in the family. Or those typical issues buried within them and is kept hidden from others eyes. But there wasn’t.
Tinios just love their small spaces. They love their peace and quiet.
And honestly? I would prefer to bond with my Tinio cousins rather than Lins sometimes.
“You don’t have to go to the casa, anak. Your Ate Nami’s already there. She just mentioned about marbles which I don’t really get kasi she’s in a hurry kanina.”
“The delivery po ‘yun. Sige ako na lang po bahala. Don’t worry about it.”
“You’re a little occupied, anak? Did something happen?” Hey eyes were darted on me.
“Nothing, Ma.” I said with full conviction. I should or else she won’t stop bothering me.
“Are you sure? May sinabi nanaman ba si Ate V sa’yo?” She pressed on. Oh, here we go again.
“Or should I say, patingin nga ng picture ng nireto nya sa’yo this time. I’ll check if mas Maganda compared sa irereto ko.”
“Ma!” I groaned a little louder over the food and laughed a little with her.
“What? I’m just saying. You haven’t had a serious one since Sanya. And that’s like? What? College pa lang ako nila Mich. I was still in Japan and never got a chance to see her but you to broke up.”
“I had been in a relationship, Ma? I mean-” I said while rolling my eyes.
But she cut me off with that knowing smile she always makes for her youngest child.
“I know you well enough, anak. Come on, just let me reto for the last time.”
“Magsama kayo ni Tita V, Ma.” I spoke.
“You’ll like her promise. Her Mom and I were college friends. If it works, then magkasundo na kami ni Balae, so, walang drama or whatsoever sa future.” She explained as if I will be considering this.
I just gave her back “the look” and cornered her this time.
“This is you deflecting because you’re so tense para bukas with the Lins kasi you hate small talks.”
“Mori Jules!” I gasped and widened her eye in disbelief.
I blew a kiss for her as I stood up and make haste by the door.
“Love you, Ma! I need to go now, or I’ll miss the delivery. Practice ka na po and mag formulate ng mga pretend convos for tomorrow.”
But she called for me again, “Isusumbong kita sa Papa mo!”
I paused by the little altar in the family room. That’s his little place. That’s where Papa’s urn was rested with some of photographs and candles around it.
I whispered smiling from ear to ear. “Pa, si Mama oh kabado pa rin, parang teenager. Bye, Ma! Pa!”
My mother’s voice came out a little shaky but still so in love, “Honey, that’s not true. Miss lang kita.”
And then, she was half laughing and half scolding back me, “Mori Jules Tinio Lin! Bumalik ka dito!”
-
On my way to the warehouse, I stopped by the gas station. I loaded my car and parked at the convenience store first to get some drinks and small treat for the workers there. I was by the cashier, sipping on my slushie, when they woman in front of turned around only to see my “ex” in flesh.
Sanya. My ex, like everyone knew, but only we knew the truth that until now, was still left unsaid.
After so many years of lost connection and awkward letting “things” end between us. I am here standing in front of her, with a basket full of pastries, packed meals and cold drinks and a slushie that’s slipping on my hand.
And it really did.
I dropped my drink causing me to mess up my top and hers a little.
It was instinct to help her. So, I dropped the basket on the floor, completely unaware and grabbed some napkin from the slushie to wipe a little on her hair.
Sanya half-laughing while she blocked my attempts to help her. “Hey, Mori. You don’t have to do that.”
“I’m so sorry, Sanya. I—”
I did not know how I ended that sentence until I heard her saying something.
“It’s been so long.”
“It has been,” I echoed what she said.
Then, a voice from behind, interrupted us.
“Sanya, ang tagal mo, inip na kami na ako. Oh God, what happened there?”
Sanya gave her assurance. “No, it’s okay.”
Then, she looked back at me to me and introduced the other woman, “Uhm, this is Jovi. My friend.”
Jovi looked at me. And for a heartbeat, I wondered if I’d seen her before. She seemed a little flustered seeing me. And she seemed familiar as well. I just cannot pinpoint why I seemed to know her. I wondered if it was just me.
“Are you okay?” Jovi asked me.
“I’m fine. I’m Mori,” I said smiling while offering my hand.
The good hand without the stink from my drink.
Jovi’s lips smiled as her eyes did. She took my hand a little shaky but composed still.
And then, she shot a look at Sanya, “Mori... as in the Mori you knew?”
Sanya just rolled her eyes, “Shut it, Jovi. But yeah, this is her. Mori Jules Lin, in the flesh.”
Jovi’s gaze lingered on me, “It’s nice to finally meet you. I think I know enough about you now.”
Sanya lightly touched Jovi’s arm and said, “We have to go. It was good seeing you again, Mori.”
I watched them leave as I kept on thinking as to why I have to see an old friend in such a mess.
-
I got to the warehouse on time. The trucks almost trailed beside me as we made our way to the loading docks. This shipment was a basic dealer business. I just need to make sure that the materials are complete, intact, and that the papers will be signed afterwards.
I gave Ma’am Pam all the food for the staff and workers. She noticed my stained top and offered me a change of clothes from my Tito’s office. I have left some clothes here when I needed to see through some businesses overnight before. I even made a makeshift bed and a little space for me to crash here when I’m hiding from my mother’s agenda sometimes.
She gave me some protective suits and I wore them immediately. I wanted this to be a quick and easy deal. Tito Andy called in sick today because he was still recovering from his minor surgery a while back. His children were all working offshore, so, I had to step in sometimes.
Well, usually it was Kuya, but then he has an appointment today. So, I’m all the help he gets.
I wanted to sleep first after this, and before my last agenda for today. Only, there was a problem.
“Ma’am Mori! Dumating din yung delivery for tomorrow. Kayo din ba po magccheck?”
Sir Ton asked me while he handed me the papers for the marbles.
“Bakit daw napaaga sila, Sir?” I asked while pausing on signing the papers in my hands.
“Baka dahil sa possible half day work bukas gawa po ng party sa’inyo?”
“Sige po, tapusin ko lang po ito, then I’ll handle the next deliveries today.”
He nodded and smiled at me.
Great. Now, I have to stay a little bit longer here. I just hope there will be no more slight inconvenience. I handed the marble papers to Sir Ton and asked him to direct me to the next nearby warehouse. I needed to make sure that I won’t mess this up or else, the suppliers will not have enough for their shipments tonight. And of course, Tito Andy will unleash his rage on me. Well, he’s the least scary among them all. But still, I do not want to upset him any further for worrying about me handling this for him.
It was almost sunset, when I finished and returned home. My final session for David was cancelled. He said he cannot make it tonight. So, somehow, it was a blessing in disguise. Now, I just have to sleep longer once I shower again and have dinner with my family.
-
And now, here I am in my room, finishing my chart notes for Bea when my sister knocked at my door. For a while, I did not move so that no noise could be heard. I pretended to be asleep but then my sister knew me well enough. She knows all my tricks, apparently.
“Morichan! Open up! I know you’re still awake.”
I groaned and finished the last notes before opening up the door for her. “What?”
Then, she dragged me to bed, already settling in, with her pajamas. Chichika lang ‘to eh.
“So? Nakita mo si Steph kanina?” She started it.
“Kamusta? Tinarayan ka ba or dinedma ka lang? Ano ginawa mo?” And she did not back down. A bit.
“Ate, ang dami mong tanong. I want to sleep.”
“You? Sleep? At ten? I don’t think so. Body clock mong pang two am, ate mo ako, we used to share a bed, Mori Jules! Dali na I did you a favour kanina, remember?!”
She said to me like she’s the boss of me. Technically, she’s my sister, so I’ll give this to her.
“Geez, you will never stop, aren’t you?” I said with a sigh as I sat next to her.
“She’s not there. I mean she was there, but I completely vanished the moment she arrived. I just cannot stand next to her pa. I mean, hello? Nakakatakot si Steph?”
“Si chickened out ka pala eh. Ano ka ex-husband? Daig mo pa si Ren?” Ate Nami answered. What?
“Hey! May appointment s’ya kanina kaya I was the one na naghatid kay Lisa.”
Then, Ate laughed so hard. She rolled over my bed while clutching my own pillow.
I was so confused. I asked, “What is it?”
“Do you really think he has? He played you well haha!” She said and laughed harder than kanina.
“That jerk?!” I groaned while cursing beneath my breath.
Ate Nami just shook her head, and grinned.
“Steph really has that aura, ano? All of us are still scared of her.”
I nodded in agreement. “But she’s still crazy in the best way.”
“She always comes up with spontaneous gala we all end up loving.”
Ate smiled. “She’s the best at those. And her humour? It was so solid.”
I sighed as the mood shifted, “It’s kind of sad, isn’t it? That they didn’t end up together in the end.”
“Yeah,” she said while looking at me as we both paused for a while.
She patted my leg. “Anyway, I’ll let you rest. For sure napagod ka sa warehouse.”
“Thank you for helping with the casa, Ate.”
She gave me a quick kiss (to which I pretended to hate), “Anytime, our bunso love.”
I pushed her away playfully, “Ew. Go away, Ate!”
She just laughed on her way out as I was left there in the quiet. I sat back up again on my chair as the note notification popped in my screen:
today’s to-do list:
- pick up the cupcakes at Flor’s
- drop off lisa
- pick-up tita v to airport
- bea’s session
- marble tile delivery (main branch)
- restau duty for abuela
- david’s session
That was the last of it. The whole checklist I had this morning was all done. I did it again.
And now, in the silence of my room, I gave myself a soft pat on my shoulder, “You did great, Mori.”
I went to bed while clutching one of my unfinished books by my desk. I rolled my curtains to close this time so that this wouldn’t be an issue again for tomorrow morning. I glanced by the window before doing so. Our gardens were in full bloom. The stars aren’t visible when I look up at the sky, but I know that they were there. There was a silent conversation outside my door. Probably, it was Lisa playing or goofing around with her father. Or our angels who are finishing up for today, and have a good rest as well.
I sighed for a bit and did my curtain before heading to my bed again. I leaned my back against my overhead as I dimmed the lights in my room and left my desk light open. I closed my eyes for a while as a small smile formed at the corner of my lips.
There’s always this comfort in a way that I always accomplish things.
Those errands I make for my family. My sweet escapes. My clumsy encounters. My patients. And all the people I get to share my day with every single day give me peace every time I have to think of how my day went. Like this. Right now.
And yet, tonight felt different.
My thoughts went back to what my mother and Tita V had said a while ago.
About letting myself want things for myself and not for others.
About not being afraid to need something from someone other than myself.
About craving for something, I still know quite know until now. And that stupid line, but it makes sense somehow: You’ll never know what you’re missing until you let yourself taste it.
I thought about meeting Sanya.
There was no shared love story. There was no heartbreak. We just knew each other when we were younger, but life happens. That’s what they say, right? And maybe that was the strangest thing, admit: I never truly had that connection. Not with her. I mean, not completely.
Not that kind you see in movies.
Not that kind we talk about with friends over coffee or tequila.
And perhaps, it was being alone for so long that it was enough for me. I never truly needed someone to fill in the gaps because it was me who had been doing that for so long. That I never got to see what they say I might be missing, because for a long while, that was my job for myself. I was happy with this. By how my life is. I was whole on my own.
But I could somehow admit to myself. Sometimes, I wondered.
I love making people happy. I love seeing my people happy. I genuinely feel overjoyed for every bit of it. In so many ways, I am content with this. But every now and then. I could somehow admit to myself. Sometimes, I wondered.
What it also feels like to need something from someone. What it feels like to have someone to listen to my rants and internal monologues.
Is there something out there I’m missing out?
Is there something I never knew I needed?
-
Mori doesn’t know it yet. But under the same moonlit night, there was another woman.
The kind of woman who never stops moving as well yet never clumsy.
The kind of woman who loves goals and workloads, yet is composed and stern, was her exterior.
The kind of woman who seems to be well put up and has her life all figured out.
She lights up every path she walks into, yet she feels hollow inside.
But unlike Mori she wasn’t searching for something missing. She wasn’t longing at all.
But tonight, before bed, when she scrolled through all her notifications, especially those she had missed. She received something she doesn’t need. A prepaid load from a number she doesn’t recognize.
And yet.
For once, the never-startled Ardeanne paused.
-
end of chapter one