Chapter Text
Falling in love with someone like Hwang Hyunjin was as instinctual as breathing.
It was so easy to fall for someone like Hwang Hyunjin. Felix didn’t even need to think about it. He just knew one day.
The feelings came in waves. Some days, when he would see Hyunjin laughing with some blushing girl, it would hurt more. His chest tightened. His throat went dry. His eyesight would fog up. He sort of felt like he was dying.
Other days, when Hyunjin would smile at him and his eyes would crinkle and he looked at Felix as if he hung the stars in the sky, everything seemed to be alright for a while. Felix liked to think that smile was reserved just for him.
(Felix was probably deluding himself.)
But it would be alright. Felix had been blessed with Hyunjin’s friendship, and he would cherish what he could have, what he was allowed to have. Felix already had Hwang Hyunjin. It may not have been in the way he desired, but who was he to ask for more?
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“Bokkie.”
...
“Bok-ah.”
...
“Yongbok!”
Felix jolted, looking up from his paper, his eyes meeting Minho’s. “Oh, hi, hyung.”
Minho’s eyes narrowed. “Don’t “hi, hyung” me, you menace. I’ve been calling your name.”
Felix turned to look at the clock on the wall, seeing that it was already 2:55. “Sorry, hyung,” he sighed. “I was trying to study for my exam.”
“It’s alright, Bokkie,” Minho’s eyes softened. “You’ve been working hard. Take a break.”
Felix shut his eyes and giggled as Minho ruffled his hair, playfully pushing his hand away with no real force. Minho grabbed his hand and Felix allowed himself to be pulled up. He threw his notebook into his bag, threw it over his shoulder, and smiled up to Minho.
“Let’s go!”
As soon as they walked out of the library, a loud “hyungs!” made its way to their ears. Both boys turned their heads to the direction of the voice to see a figure running towards them.
“Hi, hyungs,” Jeongin’s steps came to a stop.
Felix giggled. “Hi, Innie. In a rush?”
“Nah, not really. Just got out of Calculus and I’m just happy to be free.”
“Ooh,” Felix winced. “Yeah, I don’t blame you.”
Minho held out a bottle of water (where in the world did he get that from???) to Jeongin. “Drink.”
Jeongin took the bottle with a smirk. “Awe, does Minho-hyung care about his dongsaengs?”
Before Minho could respond with a glare, Jeongin turned to Felix and smiled. “Hyung, are you coming to the party tonight? You haven’t been to the last few and we miss you there…”
Felix wanted to say no. He wanted to say no so bad. But if he said no, he would feel incredibly guilty. He already felt guilty, looking at the pout on Jeongin’s face. He really did miss everyone else as well. Sure, he had seen them in passing and was still active over text, but how long had it been since he actually hung out with them?
Besides, if Felix said no, they would again ask him why, and he was running out of excuses. He wondered how they would react if he told them the truth, that the real reason why he wasn’t showing up to the parties and hang-outs was that he couldn’t see Hyunjin flirting and kissing and dancing with more strangers without his stomach churning. In fact, he couldn’t see Hyunjin at all without his heart sinking to his stomach.
It was pathetic, really, but it was no surprise. Felix firmly believes that everyone who has had the pleasure of meeting Hyunjin has fallen in love with him at least a little bit.
“I’ll be there, Innie,” Felix plastered a weak smile to his face, hoping they wouldn’t notice how sick he felt. It seemed to convince Jeongin, whose eyes lit up and beamed even brighter.
Felix thought he got away with it before he noticed Minho eyeing him in his peripheral.
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It was only on the walk back to his dorm did he remember who he lived with.
If you thought Lee Minho was observant, Kim Seungmin was something else.
Shit.
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“What’s wrong?”
There it was.
“Uh,” Felix froze, having just sat down on the couch. “What do you mean?”
Seungmin stared at him, arms crossed and leaning on the wall, and Felix felt like he was being disassembled and examined. He didn’t particularly like the feeling. “You know what I mean.”
Felix opened his mouth, just to shut it again. “I’m just tired,” he shrugs. “Long day.”
He didn’t really expect Seungmin to buy that, so he wasn’t surprised when Seungmin stared at him a second longer before shaking his head. Felix still felt bad, though. He hated when his friends were disappointed, even more so when that disappointment was directed towards him.
“Anyways,” Felix cleared his throat, somewhat awkwardly. “I’m going to Chan-hyung’s tonight.”
Seungmin’s eyebrows rose at that. “Seriously? You aren’t going to come up with an excuse an hour before?”
There was no malice in Seungmin’s tone, but Felix suppressed a wince. “No, I’m really going this time, I swear.”
“What changed your mind?”
“Y’know,” Felix gave a half-hearted chuckle, more like letting out a forceful breath than anything. “Can’t say no to the maknae.”
Seungmin furrowed his brows. “But you have. Multiple times.”
“Minnie, he was pouting this time,” Felix whined, trying to lighten the mood.
Seungmin just stared, long enough for Felix to start fidgeting with the buttons of the remote. He ran his fingers along the surface, inside the ridges and over the bumps. He really didn’t want to talk about this anymore.
At least something finally went Felix’s way, as Seungmin just sighed and leaned over to place his hand on Felix’s head. “Well, whatever the reason, I’m glad. We’ve all been missing our haengbokkie.”
Seungmin pulled his hand back and started walking towards the hallway. He stopped and turned his head to peer at Felix over his shoulder. “And if you want to talk about anything, and I mean anything, you can always come to me.”
Felix blinked the beginning of his tears away and just nodded. Seungmin sighed, seeming disappointed in the fact that Felix didn’t say anything more.
God, how Felix hated seeing that disappointment aimed at him.
But Felix kept his mouth shut.
It’s better to have his heart shatter a little more each day than to live a life that Hwang Hyunjin was no longer a part of.