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Thaisha had been trying to fall asleep for the last hour, but every time she got close, every single time, Julien would thrash about and mutter angrily under his breath, dragging her back to being fully awake. It was like trying to sleep next to an angry, very large toddler who didn’t want to go down for their nap.
Her sleeping matt was next to his, and they were sharing their blankets, both in a bid to keep warm, and so that she could keep a close eye on him while they were in the Eternal Night.
After what to have been at least the tenth time of him thrashing about, Thaisha had had enough.
“Hey. Julien,” she whispered, her tone harsh. She sat up and gave a light smack to his side for good measure. “What the fuck is—Oh.” Thaisha cut herself off upon seeing Julien’s eyes, wet and shining with unshed tears.
“Sorry,” he gave a severe swipe of his face with both hands. “I can sleep elsewhere,” his tone brusque and embarrassed. He sat up and began gathering up his blanket, deliberately avoiding Thaisha’s eye.
“No, hold on a second,” said Thaisha, as she reached a hand out to stop him. “Is... Are you alright?”
Thaisha cringed as soon as the question left her lips. Of course Julien wasn’t alright. His father had been murdered in front of him, his entire household had been slaughtered, and he still didn’t know if his mother and sister were alive.
If anything, he was holding up surprisingly well.
Julien responded with a withering look that said they both knew what a stupid fucking question that was.
“Sorry,” Thaisha conceded. “I mean,” she took a tentative hold of his wrist, only a little surprised when he didn’t wrench it away. “Is it something in particular? Or anything I can help you with, maybe?”
For a long moment, Julien said nothing, just looked back a Thaisha, a distant look in his eyes. Thaisha didn’t move, assuming Julien would either tell her what had him so restless, or he would leave without another word.
A look of resignation swept across his face before he finally spoke.
“I, um...” he started, and turned his face away. He mumbled something that Thaisha couldn’t quite make out.
“I’m sorry, can you repeat that,” Thaisha asked delicately.
Approaching Julien at the best of times was like dealing with a wounded, cornered animal; one wrong move, and he’d lash out for all he was worth. And this was definitely not the best of times.
He bit his lip and made a pained sound of frustration, not at Thaisha, but at the words he was struggling to get out.
“I miss her,” he paused briefly to clear his throat. “I miss Aranessa,” his voice hitched as he said her name. He again wiped harshly at his eyes, refusing to give his tears even the chance to fall.
“Oh, Julien,” Thaisha said, her voice painfully sincere. She leaned her head against his shoulder and began lightly rubbing circles into the tense muscles of his back. “I miss her too,” she whispered.
She could feel tears begin to fill her eyes, but blinked them back as best she could. She had the feeling that her crying would only embarrass Julien further.
“Yes, I assumed you did as well,” he replied after a long moment, the hitch in his voice still there. He leaned his head against Thaisha’s and let out a weary sigh. “It’s... I feel foolish, missing her like this,” he continued, beginning to sound more in control of voice as he spoke.
Thaisha didn’t say anything, just continued to rub Julien’s back while he took several shuddering breaths.
“I mean, we’ve been apart before. And she’s doubtless better off heading to the Orchard than being here. But I... I still wish she was here, with me.” Julien wiped at his face again. “Or, rather, with us,” he corrected himself.
Thaisha gave a light brush of her fingers over the nape of his neck, her way of thanking him for including her in the sentiment. He gave a slight exhale at the touch.
“I don’t think that’s foolish, Julien,” she said softly as she pulled away from him; Thaisha noted that he looked rather disappointed by the loss of her touch.
“Here,” Thaisha said, her voice reassuring as she patted her lap, “come here.”
Julien looked at her, his brows furrowed in slight bewilderment. He glanced around at their encampment as he spoke in a whisper. “Thaisha... I don’t think—”
“Lay your head in my lap, you dumbass,” hissed Thaisha, not wanting him to finish that sentence. Her voice a mix of exasperation and amusement.
“Right. Of course. That makes much more sense,” said Julien. He at least had the good grace to look a little sheepish by his ridiculous presumption.
As soon as Julien was settled with his head resting on Thaisha’s thigh, curled up next to her not unlike a house cat, she began running her fingers through his hair. Julien seemed to melt at her touch, his body finally releasing the tension it had been holding onto.
“I want you to know, I don’t think you’re foolish for wanting Aranessa here,” she said, she cleared her throat before continuing. “I think it’s more than understandable.” Julien opened his mouth to interject, but Thaisha didn’t give him the chance. “No, let me finish,” she said, covering his mouth with her hand. “Of course you would want her here. Why wouldn’t you want to keep one of the only people you know you still have close to you?” She removed her hand from his mouth and resumed running her fingers through his hair again. “Not to mention,” continued Thaisha, unable to keep a fond smile from forming on her lips, “she’s pretty fucking great.”
Julien was silent, clearly thinking over what she had said. “I suppose you’re right,” he conferred, if somewhat reluctantly.
“I usually am,” Thaisha couldn’t help but reply.
Julien gave a slight roll of his eyes, but didn’t argue, opting instead to let Thaisha continue to run her fingers through his hair. He absentmindedly began to rub his thumb across her knee, when he uttered something under his breath.
“Hmm?” prompted Thaisha, not sure if he was actually speaking to her.
“I was... wondering,” Julien turned to look up at Thaisha. His eyes full of a nervous hope. “You wouldn’t happen to have a stone that would, perhaps,” he chewed at his bottom lip, trying to find the right words. “A stone that could let me know whether Aranessa is safe or not? Or even just alive?”
Thaisha felt so choked by the heartache brought on by his question, that it took her a moment to properly answer him.
“No, sorry,” Thaisha said, feeling like her heart was going to crawl out of her mouth. She desperately tried to focus on the feel of his hair between her fingers. “I don’t have any stones like that.”
“I figured as much,” said Julien as he turned his head away. He wiped at his eyes again, which Thaisha pretended not to notice. “But I didn’t think it would hurt to ask.”
“Mm-hmm,” was all Thaisha could bring herself to reply; she was worried if she tried to speak her voice would crack.
“We should probably try to get some rest,” whispered Julien, his voice sounding almost as haggard as he looked.
Thaisha disentangled her hands from his hair. “Yeah, we probably should,” she agreed.
When they had gotten resettled under the blankets again, an idea occurred to Thaisha, and before she could talk herself out of it, she reached for Julien’s hand, taking light hold of it.
He looked down at the spot where their hands were connected under the blankets, a look of mock confusion on his face. “Were you hoping to grab hold of something else or...?”
“No, asshole. I’m actually trying to hold your hand,” Thaisha said as she playfully shoved his head away, the both of them quietly laughing as she did so.
Thaisha would never admit this, but seeing a genuine smile from Julien, which were few and far between, gave her a fluttering feeling in her stomach. A feeling she did her best to ignore.
“I know you and Aranessa would sometimes sleep holding hands, so I thought...” Thaisha trailed off, not sure what to say. She knew she could never replace Aranessa for Julien, but still, she nevertheless thought he’d appreciate the gesture.
To her utter relief, Julien nodded his head, saving her from having to give a proper explanation.
“Thank you,” he said quietly. Without another word, he adjusted his hand in hers, so that their fingers were interlocked, his grip tight like he had no intention of ever letting her go. He closed his eyes, and let out a contented sigh; a look that almost resembled peace spread across his face as he finally settled in to sleep.
“Of course,” Thaisha whispered back, “no problem.”
Thaisha closed her eyes and let sleep finally claim her, feeling certain that she would wake up in the morning, and Julien’s calloused hand would still be firmly clasped in hers.