Chapter Text
Five slid the book back onto the shelf. “Another one done...” They crossed the book off their list. “Well, that was all of them. Guess I can go back a re-read some of my other ones...” He reached for one, being quickly interrupted by Seven kicking open their bedroom door.
“Hey there, Five-o!”
Five sighed. “What is it? Don't you know that when the door is closed, that means I would like to be left alone?”
“I just thought of some new material. Wanna hear it?”
Five rubbed their eyes. “Not really...”
“So two Integers walk into a bar-”
“Out!” Five pointed towards the door.
“Aw, man. Come on, Five! What happened to you? You used to be cool, so says Eight.”
Eight poked his head into the doorway. “I didn't say that.”
Five shoved Seven out the room. “Why not bother Eight? I'm trying to read in here!”
“Eight's no fun, he doesn't care about anything.”
“I care,” Eight corrected, “just not bothered.”
Five waved their hands at Seven, who had tried to reenter the room. “Shoo! I told you I was going to spend more alone time this year! Everyone always wants me to do stuff for them, and I'm tired of it! So I'll leave them for their own devices for a bit. They can't be that incompetent.”
Seven moaned. “But Fiiiiiiiiiive, I can't go see my friends! I'm stuck here with you and Eight!”
“I don't see why that's a problem. We have a library, Eight's huge card collection, puzzles...Do you want a puzzle?”
Eight held up a deck of cards. “You can stack them with me if you want. Or don't, I don't care.” He started towards the living room, holding the deck.
“Why'd I have to get sick now, of any time?” Seven crossed his arms.
“Oh, the horror.” Five shut the bedroom door. “And I have no desire to get sick either, so stay out of my room!”
They listened closely, waiting for Seven's footsteps to fade away. He grabbed their favorite book off the shelf and flipped open to a random page. They've read that book cover-to-cover so many times that even just by opening at random, they knew exactly the story up to that point. They almost made it a game for himself.
“The knight had been captured by the ruthless enemy soldiers. Brutal battles broke between the branches.” He flipped to another page. “And the steed makes his way to the castle, riderless, for the knight had nearly fallen in battle. He must do whatever possible to save him before it becomes too late.” He flipped near the end of the book. “The steed pushed through the barriers, crushing soldiers under his fiery wrath. He neared the top floor of the tower, where his knight was being held captive. And, through his bravery and perseverance, he cut through the enemy's leader and rescued the knight.” They shut the book. “Nice to see the unlikely heroes take a stand in the spotlight.”
There was a thud, and Seven muttered an apology.
Five opened the door. “What was that?”
Seven rubbed the back of his head. “S-sorry Five! I sneezed and hit my face on the wall!”
Five scowled. “Whatever. Today's my break day anyway.” They put the book back on the shelf and entered the living room. “Eight! I'm heading out. Don't let Seven leave.”
“Okay,” Eight said. “Need me to pick you up at ten again?”
“Probably should.” Five grabbed the keys. “Seven, you're not allowed to leave the house.”
“Yeah thanks, I heard it the first time when you told Eight.” She picked up two cards and placed them on the top of the pile. “Ta-da!”
The pile folded in on itself.
“Eh-” Eight dropped the card they were holding.
Five mumbled to himself as they left. “I swear I'm the only one with sense in this place. At least we needn't deal with Fourteen anymore since he ditched the playground, but I feel bad for whatever planet he landed on...” They got into the car door and started the engine, shutting the door with their foot. “Okay.” They took a deep breath. “Time to go relax.”
****
Five pulled up to the bar. They went once a month to relax, since everyone told them that they should. They had other methods before, but those never lasted. Even this way was starting to lose its charm. But so long as they received a bit of stimulation from it, there was no reason to stop. He stepped out the car and spotted Fifteen by the door, leaning against the wall.
“Fifteen? Not often you leave your cabin.”
She shrugged. “Eh. Just came for a little drink, is all. I should ask what you're doing here, but I don't care enough to.”
They scoffed. “You sound like Eight. 'Don't care' doesn't matter' that. With Eight and Seven as my housemates, I need some outside help. But as long as you don't care, then I won't bother you.” Five entered the building.
They ducked from a tossed chair, letting it crash into the wall behind them. They stood straight again and casually walked over to the bar. They wiped something crusty off the seat and sat down before somebody else could take it. They snapped and the bartender came over.
“Back again, Five? I thought you said it wasn't helping much anymore.”
“'Much' is the keyword here.”
“Last time, you blacked out so hard, you tried to kiss Seven.”
“She didn't tell me about that. And why did they pick me up? Normally that falls on Eight.”
“Eight was busy that night, I guess.” Salt Shaker grabbed a cup. “What can I get you?”
“Just a shot, I don't care.”
“Uh-oh, is Eight staring to rub off on you?”
Five sighed, resting an arm against the counter. “Imagine being stuck in the house with those two. One is indifferent, and the other a nuisance. Somehow, both are equally annoying to deal with!”
“Hey, don't get too upset. I'm sure you drive others nuts. Like Six, for example.”
“Six makes fun of everyone, it really doesn't affect me if she does it.”
Salt Shaker put the cup in front of Five. “Okay, but what about anyone else?”
Five grabbed the cup. “Seven called me a dork for wanting to expand my library.” He drank it and shuddered. “Eugh, I swear it tastes worse every time.”
“I know your place has a library and Eight's card room, but does Seven have a room for his stuff? Maybe he acts out a little because he feels unnoticed?”
“I've been working on putting a music room in for him, but it's hard to expand the house when you're the only one doing the work. Eight's fine, but he's pretty lazy sometimes.” Five slid the cup back over. “Another, please.”
Salt Shaker grabbed it. “Didn't Seven get sick recently?”
“Yup.” They sat back in the chair. “And she's been really annoying recently because of it. Didn't realize how much I enjoyed it when they were out of the house. Then again, he would spend that time telling his horrible jokes to their friends rather than me. Imagine Eight trying to laugh for him to make her feel better.”
“I bet that gets annoying.” He passed Five the cup again.
“It does.” Five grabbed it and swirled the glass. “I saw Fifteen standing outside. Does she come by often?”
Salt Shaker shrugged. “I dunno. She stops by sometimes, but not often. Kind of like you, but maybe even less. At least your once-a-month stops are nice. Even when drunk, you're more bearable than everyone else who comes here. Last time Fifteen managed to get drunk, she picked a fight with Sandbag. Unsurprisingly, she won.”
“Sounds right. She could take anyone.” Five downed the shot. “Haah...The second one is always nicer than the first. Hit me up with a third.” He pushed the cup back.
“Right.”
Five looked behind them, watching an Algebralien attempting to take down Sandbag. Five scoffed at their tactics. Sandbag was sure to win with the Algebralien being so careless. They faced Salt Shaker again to accept the next shot, and heard a crash behind them.
“Yep, Sandbag just won.”
Salt Shaker glanced behind him. “Ooh, impressive! How'd you guess that?”
“One look and I could tell that Variable was being too sporadic. Sandbag is like a brick wall, hitting it randomly isn't going to do much. You'd have to find the weak point and attack that spot repeatedly to break it.”
“You seem to know a lot about fighting.”
They drank the next shot. “Well...I read whatever I can get my hands on, really. Just extensive research, is all.”
He raised an eyebrow. “Really?” He refilled Five's cup.
“I do own a lot of strategy guides. Three keeps giving me Zelda guides as birthday gifts, heh.” He drank it. “New game, new guide.”
“She sounds fun. Close friend?”
“Yeah but...she always outs herself last. Such a pain. She cares about others so much, and they don't really do much for her in return. Shameful.” They stared at the cup. “I should probably stop. I don't want to end like that Variable, after all.” They tapped a finger on the cup. “One more?”
“Are you sure?”
They nodded.
“Okay, here.” He refilled Five's cup. “But no more. I don't want you getting sick again.”
“Was that when or before I tried to kiss Seven?”
“Before.”
“Ah.” They tapped the cup to their lips, interrupted by Salt Shaker this time.
“Oh yeah, somebody wanted me to give you this.” He pulled a folded letter out of his pocket. “They came looking for you earlier this morning. I didn't read it, so you don't need to worry about that. They seemed kind of upset when talking about you.”
Five grabbed the letter and pocketed it. “Whatever it is can wait until tomorrow. Now's my time to relax.” They drank the shot. “Gah...Okay, I should probably stop now. The taste is staring to mess with my sense of smell.” He coughed. “Ugh. I'm going to taste this in the morning too. And probably feel it.” They pulled out their phone. “What time is it? Only nine? I told Eight to pick me up at ten. I guess I can stay here for a bit longer.”
“Not going home early?”
“Why spend extra time around those two when I can spend more me time?”
“Fair enough. If you're done, I've got another customer to serve.”
“Yeah, whatever. Go do your job.”
He walked a few seat down. “Good evening! What can I get you today?”
Five twirled a pen between his fingers, re-reading a novel in his mind. He tilted their chair back and let a bottle fly right over him.
“Can you not throw stuff at me? That's the second time.”
“Shut the [censored] up!” The Object yelled in return.
Five sighed and sat straight again. “The kinds of people I deal with here...Maybe I should just wait outside.”
They got from their seat and left. Fifteen was gone now, and it was dark. Five looked at the time again. Only a few minutes had passed. They leaned against the wall and called Eight.
“Might as well leave now.”
Eight answered. “Yeah?”
“I'm done early. Come pick me up.”
Seven spoke distantly. “Ooh, can I come too?”
Eight moved slightly from the phone to speak to Seven. “They tried to kiss you last time, please don't. You're also quarantined until you're better.” His voice became clearer again. “Sure, I can come early. Except for the fact you took the car.”
“Don't you have one too?” Five crossed their arms, although Eight couldn't see them.
“It was being repaired, remember?”
“Oh. It's okay. I'm not that drunk, I'll just drive back. See you.”
“Wait, Five-” Five ended the call.
They went to the car and tossed their phone into the passenger seat. “Here's hoping I don't faint on the way.”