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“ah...dipping your toes in the cold water, messing around in the sun, smelling the fresh saltiness of the sea..” Azuma closed her eyes gently and inhaled the fresh scent around her
"The fresh scent of days old coffee and barely landlord flooring?"
Taira said as he laughed softly, shaking his head at her enthusiasm,” We’re not at the beach yet Azuma” The two were still very much in their shared apartment
Azuma couldn't help but giggle as she opened her eyes, the contrast of the bright blue sky with the sudden dull brown walls that surrounded her, “I know! But I just can’t wait, Suzuki and I have been talking about this on the phone over the week- And I get to taste Yamada’s barbeque? Its so close I can almost taste it! What are you excited about?” Azuma beamed as she shook Taira’s shoulders.
Taira looked down at the blonde with a small smile, it was hard not to share her enthusiasm when she was so upfront in including him in it too, she was as bright and sunny as the beach day ahead of them
“mmm...maybe, well, I don’t know if I'm more scared or thrilled to see how far Nabe can slamdunk a beach volleyball” His arms shivering at the thought, earning a chuckle from Azuma
She seemed just about in the right mood to laugh at anything right now, her pretty smile never leaving her face.
Which is why Taira’s heart clenched at the guilt of ruining that for her today.
"Taira where's the umbrella? The big blue one!" Azuma's voice yelled through the apartment hallway "Its probably around here somewhere.." Taira murmured with hesitance as his gaze avoided the washroom. Because matter of fact, he knew the big blue umbrella she wanted to take to the beach this weekend was in the washroom. Behind the laundry machine, second shelf next to the detergent, across her lavender fabric softener. Taira knew of that fact very well.
Its the sole reason he felt this crawling feeling inching inside of him, and his desire to hide the umbrella contrasted with the utter guilt he felt for hiding it left him stranded in the hallways like a man who kept a heart under the floorboards.
Like he wanted to guide her there to numb this crawling inside of him, yet he was too afraid to tell her so. He wasn’t so sure if it was the guilt or fear, but something inside of him crawled, with progressively larger steps as it consumed every last bit of his organs. In an attempt to restrain it, he repeatedly pulled his shirt down, as if to enclose it.
I habit he was all too familiar
"Got it!"
The rapid beating of his stuffy heart suddenly halted, and despite himself, he was slightly relieved she found it before his guilt could plummet even further. But it was the fear within him that never died down, and it made it appearant on his expression.
“Taira? Whats...Whats wrong?” Azuma’s smiled dropped in worry, damn her increasing social awareness she picked up from him.
“Uh- nothing! Let’s hurry and put that in the trunk” Taira swiftly walked past her and hoisted the big blue umbrella, rushing to just get this day over with already, he hoped to God she'd just leave the topic.
So she did...the car ride to the beach was normal, Azuma's usual chatter went on as she talked of how her days went, what kind of clothes she picked out with the girls, shenanigans her, Yamada and Nabe were up to.
But right now, all of Azuma's cheerful chatter was as detached as the murmuring of the radio to Taira. Eyes landing on the clouds that passed by in the soft baby blue sky, and his weary mindformed a circular path to only one thing, right now.
The beach
He doesn't really remember why he disliked it in the first place, it was something he'd bury deep down but still felt all too familiar with how horrible it made him feel...kind of like when he laughed. Or maybe, maybe he'd rather not resurface such feelings again, it'd be like saltwater to a wound.
"And then Gapacho showed me his new outfit the other day, I thought the color teal oddly suited him, what do you think babe?" Azuma's voice murmured in the backround
Taira absent-mindedly replied, gaze never leaving the puffy cotton clouds
"Uh...yeah teal suits him.."
Screeech!!
The car suddenly halted and Taira's frantic eyes widened as his body flung forward to the fan of the car.
"What happened?!" Taira finally perked up
"I knew something was on your mind! You don't even know what Gapacho looks like! Hell- I don't even know what he looks like!"
Azuma faced towards him with her skin fuming crimson. He was stunned like like a deer in headlights, like some robber who just got caught with 24k gold. He gulped as she watched her knuckles grow too pale from griping the steering wheel, swiftly spinning the car, which left Taira violently crashing against the car door.
"What are you doing?" He said breathlessly, eyes wide at the speed she went
"Not what. Where. And it's back home"
"What- why?" He asked, brows furrowed. And a little intimidated as she tossed her phone to him
"Text Suzuki that we can't make it today." She pushed the pedal and her eyes resembled steel upon looking at the road
Taira's voice wavered "Azuma- there's nothing wrong, really, you don't have to do this-"
"Too late, im already worried sick, and we're here"
The sudden whiplash of getting from her blue car to his silver doorstep made his mind malfunction in so many ways
How the hell did she get back so fast?!
"I know what you're thinking Taira, and to answer that, I was driving circles around the block until you'd notice, clear clearly your head was way too occupied" She smirked as she shuffled the keys out of her bag. Damnitt, he blames nursing school for how cunning she'd gotten
She pats the soft cushion right next to hers as she hips dipped onto the lavender sheets.
"Cmon, tell Auntie Shino what troubles you my dear Shuji"
He laughed at her awful, but oddly fitting impression of an old woman. He'd say it came natural to her but that was definitely top ten things that get you smacked by a girl.
"Im fine really...I just.." Taira's smile faded as he looked away from her gaze, her blue eyes reminding him too much of the blue sky, or the heavy ocean. He brought his shirt down again, as if it wasn't already covering him.
"Im not fond of the beach" he murmured, there was a sort of vulnerability in his voice, the same ones of a guilty child.
Taira could feel Azuma's sea glass eyes studying his every movement, it stretched on like that until the noise of the bed springs perked his eyes towards her. Azuma said nothing while she softly grabbed his arms and guided him towards their shared bat bathroom. Taira's eyebrows furrowed in confusion, feeling enclosed in the bright blue walls that kept the two close.
"Can I bathe you?" Azuma said innocently
His brain short circuited.
"Uh...sorry?"
"I wanted to feel the water of the beach, I think you'd like it too" She smiled softly at him, despite his stupid shocked expression, and she started to strip away her covers.
It was silly given how long they'd been dating, but his eyes frantically searched for something to look instead of the unclothed woman in front of him, as if he was some creep. But nonetheless he fumbled with the buttons of his shirt too, feeling more awkward at how his shaky hands refused to make this situation less awkward, that was until Azuma's slender hands crept below his unsteady ones and undid the rest for him.
His hands faded back as he let the girl swiftly do it for him. His gaze grew an aching swell when it landed on her, her long fingers softly but swiftly undoing his buttons, her cold palms dug under the thin sheets of his shirt to his shoulders to uncover the rest of him. She'd always been such a confident girl, in his eyes, atleast.
There wasn't really any going back now, its not like he was opposed to the idea, but was of course confused as to why she suddenly suggested this, despite his lack of experience, he was sure that the beach was nothing close to their small dainty white bathtub. Yet he followed her to the water and dipped his feet in the tub. His back situated to her.
The sound of an occasional droplet caught his attention every now and then, and the stagnant warm water which covered him paralleled the calming silence in the room. She gently scrubbed his back with a shower poof that smelled faintly of her lavender bodywash, scrubbing away his initial panic.
Finally, her gentle voice broke the still water
"I remember, when I was a kid my grandmother would take me to the beach, the one 30 minutes away from our hometown. She’d pick up seashells and make cute bracelets for me, when she was done I’d beg her to make herself a pair, so when I put it towards my ear, I can contact her from the shells”
Taira chuckled at the thought of a little Azuma being so innocent and adorable
“do you remember that place Taira?”
He stiffened at the mention of it
“I-yeah, I used to go there, with uh, my Mom and my little sister” At his nerves, her hands scruffed bubbles softly into his light brown hair.
The silence between them wasn’t so sufferable when when her silky hands guider their way onto his back, dragging soap gently across his skin like how one would handle a silver spoon against the pool of chamomile in a porcelain teacup. Maybe it was this, or the way her humming reminded him of better days, but he felt his shoulders ease onto her plush breasts.
“I never…” He started, trying to gather how he could say this without sounding pathetic. She waited anyways, carried on with whatever she did, like she always has, and for what reason was there to be humiliated by when she’s around.
His voice continued hoarse and weak, “I didn’t like the way the sand felt, it felt…felt so gross the way it etched it’s way into every crevice in my body”
my very disgusting body
His voice croaked, a little quicker and more vulnerable this time, “And-and I hated the way the water clung onto my body”
my awful
unlovable
body
Taira blinked away at the tears in his eyes, God, he was so pathetic, all this over a beach trip? But it was the hum of approval from behind him that urged him to continue this shame.
“I hate the way the way the water would…”, Taira paused, as if to convince himself of the truth, “shape my clothes, reveal to the world what I was made of, and suddenly it’s as if all my secrets were open for everybody to see”
The blonde let him continue, focusing on scrubbing the shower poof onto his back, and pouring it with warm water.
Taira sniffled, brows furrowed as it all came back to him at once, “I hated the way seagulls would snicker, not as much as I’d hated the way others would”
Azuma nodded
“I- I hated the fact that…that seashells had two-hundred eyes on you, it didn’t help they pricked too”
Seashells aren’t looking at you, seagulls don’t snicker
“I hated how dirty beaches were,” Taira’s voice finally cracked,” And I hated the germs, I hated the sand, I hated the water, the cold, disgusting water, much too cold, as it clung to your body. I hated how disgusting the beach made me feel”
That was it
The mention of the water
As if it was called, the water from his eyes gushed out into tears, and he covered his eyes with so much shame.
I’m so pathetic
because deep down he knew there was no point in lying to the girl.
It wasn’t the way sand would etch into his skin, it wasn’t the seagulls who would snicker, it wasn’t the seashells who kept their eyes on him in judgement, it wasn’t the cold water’s fault he tried to hide what was underneath his shirt, and it certainly wasn’t the germs that made him feel disgusting.
His shoulders trembled as he tried to stifle it, but it only took one sharp breathe for the dam to break. A loud sob broke out of his vulnerable body, and he sobbed and sobbed again as he remembered how much he hated being at the beach, how his disgusting reflection tainted the pure waters, how others would make comments as they passed by. His breathing violently stuttered, he could never feel the same ease others do when they talked of the beach.
As his sobs grew stronger, Azuma hushed him, soothing his shoulders, as if she wanted to gently caress every goosebump from his body. Finally, her hands made their way onto his hands, which were covering his face full of shame and tears, and she grabbed those hands and set them down.
Her gentle hands, that smelled of lavender, wrapped around his bare and caressed his chest, rubbing soothing circles into it until his tearful sobs hushed into hiccups.
“This body…holds so much beauty in it”
She peppered kisses onto his back, making his heart flutter
“It’s the same body that would hold me on my hardest nights, and tell me it’d be ok, it’s the same body that holds the heart of the man I love..”
Azuma continued, her soft voice parallel with the gentleness of her hands in his chest. He felt like a baby being rocked into a lullaby, “You weren’t disgusting then, and you aren’t disgusting now”
Taira’s heart ached at the way her touch and kisses made him feel seen. Made him feel loved.
“And you deserved to have somebody care for you and treat you as if you were another, no matter how the water clung onto you”
Taira felt her put her head on his back, and her steady heartbeat calmed his own rapid one. She furrowed her brows as she spoke so gently to him, it was unreal how her voice was able to break through all his barriers with a soft murmur, “You didn’t deserve what happened to you Taira, and when you’re with me…you… you don’t need to feel like you have to reason your hatred for the beach because of how itchy sand is, or, how wet the water is”
She’s right, it wasn’t really ever about the beach to me
“ I Should’ve called Nabe to brick them too"
He laughed weakly at her joke. Azuma's laughter wasn't vile like the ones he usually hears.
She continued to hold him close, and slowly, ever so slowly, he reached to hold her hands tightly against his chest. He heard the sound of soft hair ruffling, as she continued to pepper his back with kisses, and went on with bathing him with a sort of tender that could only break somebody’s heart with how long they’d ache for it after.
The only sound the filled the silence was the water droplets and his heavy heart. He didn't expect to be healed in one night, but right now, his skin felt something it hadn't in so long, his skin was embraced in this warmth, that could lull him into a sleep at the sea.
He didn’t know what there was to like about the beach, but at this moment, he liked to closed his eyes, and let himself sink into her, pretending he was floating amongst the sea.
And maybe…just maybe, the sand felt as healing as the bumpy textured body scrub that smelled too much like Azuma. He’s sure the beach didn’t smell of lavender, but wouldn’t it be a dream if everything did?
And maybe, sea foam felt as soothing as the body wash that floated with him.
Maybe the sound of the sea was as still as the water beneath him.
Maybe the breeze of the sea was as gentle to him as was the sound of her hum…And maybe the prick of the sun would’ve felt as tender as her kisses on his back. And maybe, instead of hating the way the cold of the water clung onto his body.
He’d like to think that the water clung onto him gently, wrapping around him as Azuma was doing so now, he’d like to think that, maybe someday, he’d accept the warm embrace of the water as if it was the safety in Azuma’s skin.