Chapter Text
Football practice had gone as usual. Almost everything had that day. It was the same dreaded, anticipated routine everyday. Ken would wake up, go to school, classes would end, he would play football in a uniform he hated for reasons he couldn't explain, go back to the dorm exhausted, be extremely polite to the rest of the people there so they wouldn't have an excuse to kick him out, train with his spear, then go to sleep. While most of the routine went off without a hitch, there was one difference in today's one. He was a part of S.E.E.S. and today was the first time he'd actually get to fight. He'd accompanied them to Tartarus before, but he always ended up waiting in the lobby. Makoto always let them know beforehand who would be in his squad and this time, Ken's name had been on the list. The only thing preventing him from fully enjoying it had been one other name on the list. Kotone Shiomi.
Ken didn't really know how he felt about her. All he knew was that she was Makoto’s twin sister, she was relentlessly cheery in a way that was inspiring, refreshing, and annoying. She and Makoto had both been held back a year so they were as old as the third years and the source of all the emotional confusion. She looked a lot like his mom did before she died. Ken had been trying to avoid her, since being around her brought back a lot of memories. Oddly, in spite of, or maybe because of, the memories she brought up Ken had a sense of safety around her. Somehow, she made Ken feel like he could let down his guard a little. Which was only another reason that he had to limit his interaction with her. If he wanted to stay in S.E.E.S., he couldn't let the team think of him as a kid. If he let down his guard, he might start acting like a stupid kid again. He couldn't afford that.
Now, he just had to kill time until the dark hour. He didn't want to risk bothering anyone with his boredom. If he wanted to be treated like an adult worthy of the respect of S.E.E.S., then he needed to handle his own problems. Not take up their time because he felt like doing something. That would be annoying and selfish. The only things he could think to do without bothering the rest of the team were either practicing with his spear, or taking a nap so he wouldn't be tired in Tartarus. That day's practice had been particularly tiring, so Ken settled on sleep.
He removed his dirty cleats, took off his hoodie and uniform and then switched into his comfortable shorts. His bed had been neatly made, so rather than mess with the blanket, Ken positioned himself at the head of the bed and slid under the sheets feet first. Back at the orphanage the adults would make sure they made their beds, and Ken had come up with that method so he wouldn't have to remake his bed every time he slept. He had a lot to thank the people at the orphanage for, now that he thought about it. They made it so he always kept his room clean, they taught him how to be polite, how to stop being annoying, and how to stop being selfish so that someone would want him around. He didn't know why they had been shut down a few months ago. Sure, the yelling had been a bit much and he hadn't been cleaning his room as much since nobody would take away his dinner privileges to make sure he did it, so their lessons hadn't been as effective as they should've been. That didn't mean they needed to be shut down.
His mom had treated him quite differently, so it had taken him a while to get used to the orphanage. Eventually, after a longer time than it should've taken him, he realized that his mother must've been coddling him. It had felt really nice back then, but he probably would've been a spoiled brat if it weren't for the people from the orphanage. He still selfishly missed the way it had been before that murderer had taken his mother away. S.E.E.S. was his chance to make sure that he was ready to return the favor. So it couldn't hurt anybody else. Ken could be free thereafter. He wouldn't have to work to make sure people didn't want him gone, since he would be reunited with the one person who always wanted him around. Even when he was annoying, selfish and rude, like he had been when he got to the orphanage, she had still loved and cared about him.
When he finished his business here, he wouldn't just be with the one person who could manage to care about him. He would also be free of his awkward, gross body. When he was little, he hadn't exactly been the biggest fan of it. He always used to daydream about what it would've been like if he had been a girl instead. Instead of being all awkward and gross like he was, that girl would've been wonderful and pretty. She would've been someone who didn't need to change for people to want her around. It didn't matter now. He was stuck as an unlovable thing in the shape of a boy named Ken Amada. Back before everything, Ken had been able to deal with it. He could always go to his mother when he got really upset. But as he got older, without his mom, he hated his disgusting body more and more now that it was brought to his attention. It was to the point where being free of it was just as appealing as seeing his mother again.
…As it had turned out, trying to quiet his mind and sleep had only made his mind more restless. Ken couldn't get any rest at this rate, so he slithered out of his bed. He managed it without leaving a trace that he had been lying there. Ken checked the clock, and was shocked to discover that it was almost time for everyone to head to Tartarus. Apparently, he had been swept up in his own thoughts for much longer than he thought. That, or he had drifted off for a bit without realizing it. That would explain why his train of thought had switched.
Ken changed into his battle uniform. The coat was a bit large on him, but he liked that. He may have looked smaller, but it covered his body so he didn't look as bad as usual. It was fun to turn in it, since the jacket twirled a bit when he did.
Ken grabbed his spear from the corner and walked briskly down to the lounge, hoping that the others hadn't left without him. Thankfully, when he got there, the rest of S.E.E.S. was waiting for him. He hadn't been the one holding them up either since he had seen Junpei looking for his jacket upstairs when he had walked by. He had taken his usual seat at the kitchen counter when Junpei came down wearing the jacket around his waist like usual. Ken didn't understand what the point of bringing the jacket was if was just going to tie it to his waist. Especially with the Autumn chill.
After every member had arrived, S.E.E.S. began to go on their way to Tartarus. Ken was glad that the monorail always ran until 1:00 in the morning, otherwise getting to and from Tartarus would be much more difficult. He had to wonder what the few occupants of the monorail thought of them. The combat outfits were incredibly well designed, but they did make S.E.E.S. stand out quite a bit.
As the team boarded the monorail, Ken's anticipation rose for the chance to finally prove himself. He hadn't even awakened his persona yet, though everyone knew he had one. From what he had been told, personas were manifestations of the true self. Ken didn't really know what part of him was his true self, so he couldn't wait to find out just what he was.
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Using the teleporter had created an extremely odd sensation, especially since Ken had never used it before. The others had gotten somewhat used to it, but it was brand new to him and when he reached the desired location, he noted how eerie Tartarus truly was. The Dark Hour was always unsettling, but something about Tartarus amplified it. Whatever effect it had didn't seem to be present in the lobby, leading Ken to believe it would intensify as they climbed higher up the tower. He managed to push on in spite of it, he couldn't let the others see him as some scared little kid. He kept catching them glancing at him, like they thought he would burst into tears or get snatched up by a shadow out of nowhere.
By far the one who checked up on him the most was Kotone, which he couldn't wrap his head around no matter how hard he tried. It infuriated him, every time he tried to figure out what she was really like, he came up empty. It was impossible for someone to be that optimistic all the time. He couldn't figure out how much of what he'd seen of her was actually how she was or if it was from the memories of his mom she brought up. She seemed to care about everyone in S.E.E.S. including Ken somehow, but he couldn't figure out if she actually did or if it was just wishful thinking on his part.
The team had climbed a few levels at this point, seemingly focused on exploring a new area of Tartarus that had opened up since they had last gone. When they reached it, the uneasy feeling amplified. Judging by everyone else's expressions, they seemed to feel the change as well. Makoto was the only one who didn't react, but that didn't mean much. Their leader almost always had a stoic expression.
After wandering around the floor for a bit, the team finally discovered a shadow. Makoto skillfully ambushed it with his sword and it had dissolved into 3 different monsters. The others rushed to their positions, surrounding them, leaving Ken to scramble into his place with much less of the trained efficiency the others acted with. He managed to make up for it with his spear expertise, landing a devastating blow on one of the monsters and dissolving it. The others made short work of one of the other monsters, however the one was reflecting every physical attack they had. So, Ken received the order to summon his persona. He put the evoker to his chest, right over his heart, but when he went to pull the trigger he found himself hesitating. He knew he needed to push through this, otherwise the man who killed his mother would get away with what he had done. Ken focused on all of his pain, his anger, his need for revenge, everything that had happened after his mother was gone… and he pulled the trigger.
Every worry Ken had about himself seemed to simultaneously be alleviated and worsened than his greatest fears could dream up. He felt from his persona an overwhelming urge to punish and destroy. He could feel the good intentions behind it, but they were buried by the monster in front of him. Though, the horrors that Ken felt weren't just from this thing being around him. The terror was that this thing had come from inside him. Ken knew he had been an innocent kid, but this thing seemed to prove what he had hoped would never be true. He had become the same kind of monster that killed his mother. Ken had hoped that everything that had happened since she died had made him a better person, but it hadn't. Now, it seemed that two monsters would die on October 4th. There wouldn't be a heaven waiting for him, so he might as well unleash hell on those who deserved it. To help him along was Nemesis, the goddess of divine retribution.