Work Text:
December 1st, 2024.
Dear bang,
Kap told me in order to relieve stress I should talk to people, opening up or whatever the fuck. Basically he said that I tilt way too much, affecting the team’s morale, like what the fuck man.
I am not going to therapy, ain’t nothing wrong with me bruh. So Kap said I should start writing letters, like actual physical letters. What the fuck man. The last time I wrote something on paper was like a million years ago.
Oh well. It is what it is.
Why am I writing to you? I don’t even know. Jordan probably won’t care, dunno about Zach either, and Amine? Hypothetically speaking, I could show him and he’d read it. But the concept of writing letters is already stupid enough, I might die from cringe if I send him this.
But you, bangzerra, oh boy. We haven’t known each other long, but I’ve a feeling that you’re a… good person, so to speak. You’re not gonna laugh at me right? If you do I’ll slit your fucking throat.
Just kidding.
Man, I remember my Challengers days, scrimming and grinding ranked daily. I mean, technically I’ve known who you are for a while. A TSM player, 17 years old going on 18, already poached by 100T before you became of age. I wasn’t too interested in VCT back then like I am now, but you, holy fucking airball, you were always there in my high Immortal-Radiant ranked lobby. Goated phantom user. If we’re in the same team, I could be afk at spawn and we’d still win. And if you’re on the enemy team then I’m so cooked, you just be spamming me through smokes and dropping a 30 bomb.
You were the best back then, still are now. You’re funny and humble. It’s a little embarrassing to say, but you’ve left a huge impression on me since forever, like, the best smokes player imo. I used to imagine once or twice that, what are the chances of us ending up on the same team lol.
In the years to come, you kept competing for 100T, and I went to KC, to Germany. Earlier this year I was so pumped that KC qualified for Madrid. Crazy. Marteen hugged me and spun me around. And even though Sen shit on us, I’m still happy to have won Kickoff in my literal debut season.
It’s a bit sad that 100T couldn’t qualify though. I wanted to face you y’know? Not as enemies in a meaningless ranked match, but as pro players on the grand international stage. 100T’s black jersey vs KC’s allez les bleus.
Then came Split 1, which you won of course, and qualified for Shanghai. I watched that Grand Finals, insane performance from you. Your cocky face holding the Americas cup was so funny. Unfortunately KC couldn’t quite qualify. I only had myself to blame.
Finally, Champions Seoul. I’d already gone home by that point, leaving Germany behind. Me, in Atlanta, opening up Twitch to watch Sen, and to witness EDG winning. That golden trophy is so mesmerizing. I saw it flash in front of my eyes, the dazzling haze of the Champions trophy, maroon confetti falling on EDG members, and my own ambition. You get what I’m saying, don’t you? We, yes WE, all want to reach for that prize.
So I chose Sentinels.
Don’t get me wrong, I love KC. But Germany is so far away, France too. My heart isn’t with Germany, and my dream belongs to the world.
Besides, that Sentinels’ red is too candescent, almost blinding.
Tbh, when I heard that you also chose Sen, I splat out my damn Red Bull. Sounds like fate right? Like, how many stars had to align so that we could end up on the same team?
With that said, I don’t actually believe in fate, I believe that we as humans always dictate our own path. Sentinels is a top team, you’re goated, and I believe in my own capabilities, so this meet up is inevitable.
Can I be real for a second? You look much more handsome in the Sentinels’ red jersey than 100T. I remember meeting you for the first time, first thing that popped into my mind was you’re way cuter irl than online. Second thing was this mfs short as fuck lmfao. The third thing was damn, you’re so quiet, who could’ve guessed that you’re as unhinged as me. We barely knew each other but you kept cracking jokes like it’s second nature. Also your jokes, I told my friends and all of them laughed their asses off, so thanks for that.
SEN City Classic is a wrap, too bad we lost but that’s okay. Not like NRG is a weak team. Mada life game fr fr. Better save our strength for SOOP League. We get to visit Korea! Something neither of us could back in Champions. Just think that Seoul has been waiting for us both to wear the same jersey.
Holy fuck that’s so corny.
Anyways, I have no intention of sending you this letter. I’d eat an op shot before I do. This writing shit is so ass, but lowk kinda fun too.
Remember to bundle up in Korea ok man? I’ll make some plans with the boys, maybe you didn’t know but I’m a people person, I like to have fun!
Welp, this shit is long enough. I got lineups and setups to learn now, bruh.
Sincerely (my ass),
N4RRATE.
───〃★
December 31st, 2024.
Dear bang,
The Christmas present I sent you, did you receive it??? Not a single thank you smh my head. Fucker.
Though, you’re probably swamped with the holiday season, family stuff right? Bundle up my guy, you’re thin as a stick, one gush of wind and you’ll probably fall right over. When the new season rolls by, when you get back to LA, I’ll fucking force feed you whether you want it or not.
Korea was a blast yeah? Sure we lost to a chungus team but the tourney itself was quite entertaining. Meeting Faker was definitely the highlight of the whole ordeal. Besides everyone tried their best, Amine, Jordan, Zach, and you of course, I’m the only one who trolled so hard. Unfortunately we couldn’t bring home another trophy like last year, but oh well.
It’s been snowing recently. Snow in Atlanta sounds weird but it’s not too uncommon. Mom says it’s a good sign, though I’m pretty sure it’s from global warming, heh. It’s almost a new year, I’m on the roof with the fam, fireworks all around. I’m writing this cause I thought of you for no reason. My brother’s looking at me like a mad man, but who gives a shit. I’ll text you a happy new year text after I’ve relayed my thoughts in this letter. Don’t you fucking dare fall asleep!
Basically, happy new year man, hopefully you’re countdown-ing with all your loved ones and family. My new year’s resolution is for our wishes to come true, for our Kickoff run to be successful, and to qualify to all 3 LANs. I wanna hang out on the streets of Bangkok, I wanna see Toronto’s skyline, and get some authentic croissants in Paris. Obviously I wanna do allat with you, with the team. So lgf! I believe in us.
It’s so boring at home, this winter has gone on for way too long. I don’t got anything to do besides grinding ranked, eat, shit, and sleep. Can’t wait until I get to see your stupid face at the Sen office. I’ll make sure to steal all your snacks!
See you in Los Angeles!
Sincerely (my ass),
N4RRATE.
───〃★
January 18th, 2025.
Dear bang,
You popped off today (not as much as me though lol).
Man, you looked sort of down before the match. I was going to ask, but I didn’t for… reasons. I know you’re a sentimental person, and ain’t nothing wrong with that, but a part of me was still scared that you’d start overthinking, seeing 100T on the other side. I mean, you played for them for 2 and a half years, while Valorant is only 5 years old, which means you gave half of your career to 100T. Like Zach with Sen.
I also saw the way you looked at Asuna. I don’t know what happened between the two of you, if you still think about your old home or not. I mean, if it was KC I’d be weird about it too. Not enough to throw the match, but if you whiff for any reason related to 100T, I wouldn’t blame you. Happens to the best of us.
But. The way you played today? As if the ghost of TenZ possessed you? Insane. Like I said, I’ve no clue if you hate 100T or you still have lingering feelings for them, but if you fry like this every time we have a match up then I need not worry. Just keep your head high.
Anyways, should you ever need a favor, just reach out. Me, Jordan, Zach, Amine, we’re always here to listen to you vent. I trust you, even if you don’t trust me back or we’re not tight enough for you to open up, I’ll patiently wait until the sun rises in SEN City. I might be toxic and a dumbass, but I’m also a good listener, I swear.
When you ace or get a good round, just stand the fuck up, no need to be shy, I’ll stand with you always. Capiche?
Sincerely (my ass),
N4RRATE.
───〃★
January 31st, 2025.
Dear bang,
You’re probably sound asleep, not me though. My eyes are stinging, hands shaking as I’m writing these words.
I can’t believe how abysmal dogshit my performance was today. What was Kap thinking, forcing me to switch roles constantly? I can’t play senti, can’t play smokes as good as you, my duelist is nothing to write home about, only initiator works out. Even then I almost shit the bed too, couldn’t wrangle my gun to shoot, couldn’t anchor site, entrying only to die. Miscommunication, missed timing, missteps, bad movements, bad peeks, etc etc.
I know that if I were to tell you, you’d kick my ass and tell me to stop letting it go to my head, so back to the letters I go. Not that you’re gonna read this.
How do I say this… Like, I’ve never thought you were good at comforting people, but the way you almost crushed my ribs hugging me earlier, guess I was wrong. You didn’t laugh nor made fun of me, just quietly being there by my side until my tears dried up. You’ve probably never thought I was a crybaby either yeah? So we’re even.
Kap said what happened wasn’t my fault, we won against LOUD anyways. He said, sometimes things snowball out of control, and what I should do is open up and lean on people. Valorant is a 5 man game after all, not a single player game. And we have plenty of time to learn from our mistakes and make progress.
Well, he’s not wrong. This season has only just begun. Me and you, we’ll be fighting side by side for a long time. Bangkok is awaiting, isn’t it?
Holy yapping man.
I just wanna say, thank you, Sean, thanks for not abandoning me. I’ll count on you always, in the days to come.
Sincerely,
N4RRATE.
───〃★
February 8th, 2025.
Dear bang,
I was gonna tell you that don’t be sad, but telling someone who’s sad to just “cheer up” is as awful as the way I played Breach on Fracture today, so let’s not do that. I’ve no tears left to cry, so I don’t have the right to reprimand you. It’s just, seeing you all lonely and depressed in the prac room at the arena, it’s gutting.
I still remember Kickoff of last year, where Sen won, and KC won. Can’t forget something like that even if I tried. I know how much you desire that regional trophy, cause I do too, we all do. If only I performed better, if only G2 didn’t get some lucky rounds, if only we didn’t lose the rounds that were impossible to lose, if only we won more of those rounds that were impossible to win, if only our comms were much smoother.
If only.
Damn it all to hell.
Kap told us that failure is only a stepping stone to success, that a rocky beginning helps us realize and fix our mistakes. I’ve heard those empty words a thousand times, and we still lost anyway.
I don’t even know man, it’s so late into the night. I want to drink my sorrows away, to just get high, filling my bloodstream with substances if only to forget. But I can’t forget. Shit hurts more than a break up. Like, just one loss and I’m already spiraling for what? How can I find the strength to keep moving forward like this?
Can I be a crybaby for just one night? Can I be moody and angry for just one night? Will you allow me that? The sun will always shine, and once morning comes, I promise I won’t be weak like this anymore. Imagine crying all day at this age, it’s fucking embarrassing.
I’m so sleepy. Guess I’ll be off.
Sincerely,
N4RRATE.
───〃★
February 23rd, 2025.
Dear Sean,
I’m at the hotel’s balcony rn. Jordan’s snores are deafening, so much so that car horns can’t even hide it. Either that, or I’m hallucinating from sleep deprivation lol.
Hmm, don’t ever smoke ok? It’s bad for you. Don’t drink either, you’re not of legal age, gotta wait till next month.
(But, should you ever need a drinking buddy, just hmu.)
Remember when we went out for content day? I’d never say this out loud, but the Sen Bangkok jersey, I think it looks good on you, makes your brown eyes pop. Honestly speaking I’m not too impressed by the design, but as it were, red is still my favorite color.
(Also why is your hair always so voluminous? I heard you only wash and blow dry it normally but it looks so fluffy. Tell me your hair routine…)
Bangkok, welp, Zach has already said all that needs to be said, I have nothing to add. That damn kid, always so bouncy and happy, but always shows up when we need him the most.
Although, I’ll let you in on a little secret. After the Bind match I saw Zach sprinting to the restroom, then locked himself inside for at least an hour. I waited for him outside, heard him crying his guts out, or trying to not cry his guts out. Same thing tbh. I wanted to cry too, but his sobs stopped me. I’d never imagined someone like him bursting into tears that gut-wrenchingly.
What had been done cannot be undone, but I figure I’ll never forget the moments. When we rode the tuk-tuk, sightseeing the streets, me and you fucking around in the back to the point I almost fell off. When me and Jordan had a spicy food-off, both of us suffering, yet you and Zach just kept laughing your asses off. When Amine gave out free hugs, warm and comforting, like a big brother I never had. When we had the meet&greet, you’re supposed to give out signatures to fans but why did you keep following me around? Introvert ahh.
Regretfully, we could not advance further, couldn’t make Bangkok burn red, but I won’t forget.
As for you, no need to hold your tears in. Just let it all out, we’re not going to make fun of you. Let it all out, then bounce back and keep going, like the way they do in martial arts when they get knocked down. Alright?
We’re America-bound for tomorrow, I’ve finished a whole pack of ciggy, I should get some sleep. If we ever get the chance to return here in our long journey, by then surely me and you have grown, have become wiser. Surely history won’t repeat itself.
So long Bangkok, may we meet again.
Sincerely,
Marshall.
───〃★
March 13th, 2025.
Dear Sean,
Happy birthday dear friend. I waited until midnight to text you, who knows if you’re still awake. Your discord is still blinking green but you haven’t replied, so now I’m pulling out the pen and papers, fucking crazy.
21 years old, legal age huh? When I’m going drinking with Jordan I’ll drag you along, 3 people are more than enough to light up the whole town. Speaking of which, Amine doesn’t like drinking so he’s out, but Zach probably does. I’m counting down the days when he is of age, then we’re a pack of 4, missing 1 and we have a whole ass Valorant team. Drunk Valorant seems fun.
I’d like to think that we’ve gotten closer as the days pass. Sounds corny as hell, but I’m glad you’ve put more trust in me than last year. We have lots in common don’t you think? We both like LeBron, everything anime-manga, and we both want to lift a trophy in the red jersey.
You know my go-to skins, I know you cannot rid yourself of the Recon Phantom. You know I like to devour my chicken drums down to the bone (not like a dog!), I know you crave blueberries a lot so I always have one box stashed away before and during a match. You know how I love honey lemon tea, I know you’re a matcha enthusiast, always a matcha or a bottle of green tea on your desk. You know I put One Piece as background noise for deathmatch warm up, I know your favorite anime character is Levi so I have my hair the same as him.
These little intricacies, I’ve never paid them any mind, even back then with my ex girlfriends. But for some reason, I’m always so proud when your eyes light up at me buying you a matcha. I must be insane.
So happy birthday, I don’t know what else to say other than to wish you happiness, believe in yourself and the path you’re trekking on, form your own approach, be opinionated, be strong. Don’t be bullied by me anymore. Feel free to anchor site, I’ll always trade you out. Feel free to paranoia and entry with Zach, I’ll always stun and recon for you. Feel free to lurk, I have your back.
I know you and Zach already had a shared birthday celebration the other day, but that’s a bit unfair, like if you share a birthday with Christmas then you get less gifts or something like that. Imo I think everyone should get their own unique celebration.
Sleep well man. Read my text and we’ll hang out tomorrow, or in the morning I guess. I have some places I’d like to show you.
Hopefully next year, next next year, you’ll still celebrate your birthday with me, with the whole team. Even if we’re not on Sentinels anymore.
Sincerely,
Marshall.
───〃★
April 26th, 2025.
Dear Sean,
Holy mother fucking shitballs! We finally beat G2’s ass! Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck this is insane.
I’m at the balcony again, not smoking btw in case you were wondering. There’s a full moon tonight, so bright. I’m so fucking high rn icl and I’m not even on drugs. Lowk I wanna come over to your house and wake you up so you could slap me in the face. Am I dreaming? If I am, I hope I’d never wake up.
Can’t sleep, like back in February, but not because I’m depressed, I’m just too wired. That last round on Ascent I was holding onto Amine’s shirt so tight, both of us shivering like leaves in the wind. Bro kept telling me to calm down but he was also worried like crazy. Me, spectating you, nauseous and nervous asf. Almost puked, thankfully I didn’t.
I still don’t understand how Jordan could lift both you and Zach up. Seems like all those months of gym paid off.
Speaking of, you could really hold your liquor despite your skinny ass. Let me guess, you’ve already started drinking before legal age right? I’d off myself before I admit this, but I yield, I’m not having a drinking competition with you, I’d die of alcohol poisoning. Drinking that much yet you were still stone cold, a man after my own heart. You have my respect.
You told me to take it easy and get some rest after I got hammered, but I can’t, I’m too restless rn. Which is why I’m writing ts, to calm myself down. My ass is seeing doubles and I can’t even think straight. If you asked me what agent I’d pick on what map I wouldn’t be able to answer that.
Anyways, G2 sucks ass.
By the way, weird question but have you ever had feelings for a man?
I have. I think? Which is crazy cause I’ve only ever dated girls. My type is big boobs, big ass, like Nico Robin.
But recently I’ve been thinking about short hair and chocolaty brown eyes more than I should. I don’t know what’s wrong with me lol.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not homophobic or anything, but the fact that I’m hard cause of some dude with no ass nor boobs, just catches me off guard.
I swear I’m not usually this out of pocket.
Do not ask who the dude is, you won’t receive this letter anyways.
Omfg I’m so drunk my handwriting is illegible. My head is spinning and I might throw up tomorrow fr. I’ll never drink this much ever again, should take a page out of Amine’s book of being nonchalant.
Alright, I’ll be off. Hopefully I didn’t drunk text you anything stupid.
Sincerely,
Marshall.
───〃★
May 4th, 2025.
Dear Sean,
This is the second time we placed top 2 Americas. I’m not too affected by it, props to G2 honestly, but I’m still a bit disappointed. I think the regional trophy is ugly asf, but I still want to bring it home, adding to the trophy collection of Sentinels. Unlucky huh? We were this close to the finish line.
I remember telling you to just let your tears fall right? I can’t recall if I actually told you that or I just wrote it in these letters, but you listened anyway, I’m glad.
Another day, another loss, another one bites the dust. I thought we’ve gone past the point of being dogwalked by G2, but it seems like I was overconfident? I have nothing left to say nor can I even think straight, but, the way you buried in my chest, crying yourself hoarse, it hurts. It hurts so bad I can’t fucking breathe. So much so when I could only wipe your tears and not ease your pain.
I’m sorry. Sorry for not shooting better, not comming smoother, not trading faster, not catching better timing. I’m aware that if I said this out loud you’d rip on me and say “stop apologizing for something that isn’t your fault”, so I can only relay this through papers and pen. I’m a coward, and well, your brown eyes make me a weak, weak man.
You forbade me from smoking, but man, what kind of man doesn’t smoke? Sorry for going against your will. I promise this is the last time, I won’t ever smoke anymore.
How do I say this… I’ve met many people, dated many people, but none of them have ever made my heart go up and down like you. I can’t recall when I gained a new motivation to drag my ass to the office each day, even if I just wanna rot in bed all day, but you and your stupid puffy cheeks force me to sit up anyway. I can’t recall when your voice ingrained into my brain, that even in a room full of people I can still make it out distinctly. I can’t recall when I started seeking that addicting scent of blueberries and chocolate chip cookies wherever I go.
I can’t recall when my dream started to include your name. That I want to win not only because of my own aspirations, but I also want to lift a trophy with you.
Maybe I’ve only realized that now. Maybe I already had a hunch, under the foggy skyline of Seoul, or a random afternoon. Maybe I’m too late, or too early, or all of this has begun all the way back on that day when I first stepped foot inside the Sen compound, shooting that promo video.
So many “maybes”, and I think the query of “when” doesn’t matter anymore. What’s important is starting from now on, I’m too far gone.
Seanzo, my own Omen. I don’t know what this feeling is, more than friends, less than lovers, limerence, misconception, mistaken, friendship, camaraderie, etc. I don’t know. My brain only has space for game knowledge. These feelings? I’ve no clue.
I’m not even sure what love is, but one thing I’m positive about is your smile has whisked my breath away. You probably don’t look at me like that, which is fine, these letters won’t ever see the light of day.
I’m not going to confess, it’s redundant. We have bigger fish to fry. Don’t you worry, I’ll keep a cool head, I won’t let my feelings affect anyone, won’t let it affect you. Being by your side as a teammate, a colleague, a brother, a friend, as family… is more than enough for me. I don’t need anything else, that’d be greedy.
Besides, if I told you and you don’t feel the same, I may have to ban myself from competing. Change my name, change my address, get plastic surgery and move to the Middle East, living with them camels. Lol.
But yeah. Remember this Sean, failure isn’t everything, cause there’s still a long way to go. Amine already said this, just a couple losses, it’s a given in our youth, we can always try again.
We qualified for Toronto, we’ve gone so far, and I have a good gut feeling this time. That trophy will be ours. I can’t promise you out-of-reach prospects, can’t make promises I can’t keep, but I’ll always be here. Play the game your way, if you ever need recon, flash or stun, just give me a call.
Your Omen, my Fade, let’s be a duo for as long as we can. I know it’s wishful thinking, but I still want to give it a go.
With love,
Marshall.
───〃★
June 9th, 2025.
To you,
You little shit… For someone who’s so nonchalant normally, I never would’ve expected this from you. Who the fuck knock on my door in the dead of night, spewing “I have a crush on you!” then bolt like your ass’s on fire? Never in my nine lives have I ever met anyone like you. Now you won’t even respond to my text so I have to resort to writing, again, like shouting into the void. Bruh.
I must admit, knocking down both Chinese teams, advancing straight to Playoffs, was pretty exciting. Adrenaline is a crazy drug, anyone would’ve been extremely thrilled, let alone you or me. But Seanzo you really caught me off guard. Like, at first I thought I was hallucinating the whole thing, or Jordan pulled a trick. As if you lost a truth-or-dare or something.
But your red cheeks, biting your lips until they bled, turned my brain into mush. I’m not even that much taller than you but you just stared at your shoes, wouldn’t look me in the eyes, I reckon you were telling the truth. You’re pretty brave for that, braver than me at least. Having the courage to confess is pretty admirable.
(But hey, confessing and running away right after is bitch ass behavior.)
Sean oh Sean, I’ve so many questions. When did you start having feelings for me? What do you like about me? Do you have any idea how crazy I am for you? On sleepless nights, do you replay our voice comms and laugh to yourself like a maniac, like I do? Do you think I look good in the jersey like the way I think you do?
These questions, well, maybe I’ll save it for later, perhaps when I can ask you out for a coffee date. But I’m not letting you off the hook that easily. When morning comes, don’t you dare pretend like nothing ever happened, I’ll legit jump you in broad daylight.
Okay enough horsing around. Toronto is the first time we didn’t get grouped and got into Playoffs, right? XLG match coming up, you better clench your cheeks and save your energy.
Rome wasn’t built in a day, and our story requires time. Now that I know you feel the same, we can put a pin in it. We have all the time in the world now, all eyes on that trophy first and foremost.
You’re probably sound asleep. I should be too. Hopefully in the near future I’ll have you right here with me instead of a stupid pillow.
With love,
Marshall.
───〃★
June 15th, 2025.
To you,
PRX match tomorrow, a very formidable opponent. I remember before Toronto, someone asked you what team you’d like to face the most, to which you responded with PRX. Well, your wish came true.
We’ve been quite awkward lately. I know you worry a lot, about the match, about your performance, about us. I know you ranted to Amine, seeked out Jordan’s advice, and ran your mouth off to Zach. Did you think I wouldn’t catch on? You avoid me like the plague, I walk into a room and suddenly you’re gone, you sulk and bite your nails constantly. I’d be a fool to not know.
(It’s mad funny though icl.)
My bad for pretending like nothing happened. Honestly, I also love you so, so much, but there’s a time and a place for everything. We have shit to do, and once we lift that Toronto trophy, I’ll give you my answer.
Morning will soon arrive, and we should get some sleep.
With love,
Marshall.
───〃★
June 17th, 2025.
To you,
Man.
What is with you? You didn’t even cry when we lost, you fucking laughed. Are we deadass.
But well, your smile is as breathtaking as always with those pearly whites. Uplifting my mood. Your smile within me, washing my agonies away.
Speaking of, you’re really one of one. When we got our asses beat, your eyes were dry, joking around with Zach. Yet when I told you I love you too, how come you bursted out crying? I’m not good at comforting people, I don’t even like doing it, but if it’s you…
Man, when you told me you’ve been head over heels for me since SEN City Classic of last year, I was so taken aback. What is it, a whole ass 8 months? That’s much longer that I’ve been in love with you. Holding your feelings in for 8 months must’ve been difficult. Just so you know, if I ever offended you with my dumbass jokes, I didn’t mean it.
You said you like my eyes, icy blue like the color of the blistering Nordic sky. But you’ve no idea what the woodsy brown in the depths eyes do to me. Make me just wanna keep you close, and kiss you until neither of us know which way is up.
Seanzo, my own Omen. Idgaf about those corny cheesy love declarations. The only thing I know is my heart belongs to you, all bits and pieces of it.
So, thank you for putting your trust and your love in someone as explosive and volatile as me. Thanks for saying it first, for patiently waiting until the day I’m brave enough to give you back a well deserved answer, after I’ve made it through my own intrusive thoughts. Someone as understanding and kind as you, always there by my side, I feel like I’m inadequate.
But you’ve chosen me, so I promise whatever happens I’ll always hold up half the sky for you. A man’s honor!
So we’re officially boyfriends, I have the right to keep you well fed and shit yeah? Don’t ever think you’re a burden, my loved ones are never burdens. My family, my friends, and now you. Tell me every time you need something, I’d even bring the stars down for you. You take 1 step, the remaining 99 steps are on me.
Gentle, caring, compassionate Seanzo. Mine at last, and only mine. You better not run for the hills, you’re eternally bound to me now, I’ll never let you go. Don’t forget that.
We couldn’t advance this time, but I’m fine with that. We tried our best, put our lives on the line, and neither PRX nor FNC are weak teams, let’s just say the circumstances were unfortunate. I don’t regret a thing, except maybe… yet another empty attempt at reaching for the trophy. 1 trophy, 12 teams, it’s all in the numbers. Nothing to complain about, cause there are teams that deserve it more than us. Not that I have no faith in myself, in you, or in Sentinels. But not all our wishes can come to fruition. Luck is also a factor, which we didn’t have.
But it’s okay. Just try again.
Next stop, Riyadh. I’m not that interested in EWC, but I suppose it’s another lesson, more reps.
Just, keep your hand in mine, alright?
With love,
Marshall.
───〃★
July 10th, 2025.
To you,
LMFAO we got our revenge on DRX. Bums ass.
Ahem.
So, you and Asuna, what a story. I never knew you dedicated a part of your youth to the guy with wild hair like a lionmane. I’m not too surprised though, you were in 100T for two and a half years, Asuna is an exceptional player, I’d be more surprised if you didn’t fall for him.
You asked if I’m salty about it. Are you kidding? I’m extra fucking jealous. Didn’t you see the way I interrogated him today?
Asuna can catch these fucking hands.
Just kidding.
Yeah sure I’m jealous, I’m your boyfriend after all, but I lowk get it. Keeping that one-sided love for so long, you must’ve been exhausted. But still, Asuna and then me, are you some kind of masochist?
Either way, I’m grateful that you opened up, it goes to show how much faith you put in me. Telling your new boyfriend about your old crush sounds insane if you put it into perspective, but it’s a part of you now. 100T, Asuna, all shaped you into who you are today, helped open up a path leading you straight to me. I’d never say this, but you won’t read this anyway, so…
I owe Asuna one, for not loving you back. Thank you to 100T too, for letting you go.
Fuck. Ew! That’s disgusting. 100T gtfo!
Welp.
Soon it’ll be 1 month since we started dating. Time flies by in a blink of an eye fr, Split 2 is on the horizon. I’ll see what we can do for our 1 month anniversary. As long as we’re together, nothing else matters right?
Desert wind burns my eyes. PRX tomorrow (again). Why are there only like, the same teams back to back? I mean I’m glad we got to face BBL but that’s literally the only difference.
Anyway, come over to my room. I’m all alone here, can’t sleep without you near. When we get back to LA let’s have a talk about moving in, cause I’m going crazy from missing you. I mean we see each other literally every day yet I still miss you, but you didn’t hear that from me.
With love,
Marshall.
───〃★
July 17th, 2025.
To you,
Happy 1 month anniversary! Love you lots.
So much has transpired in just 1 month, Toronto, Riyadh, luckily it’s all passed. Remember when we broke the news to the other 3? Jaw dropped moment, so fucking funny.
Did you enjoy the beach? Can’t believe we never went there despite living in LA for this long. I know how much you miss New Jersey, I miss Atlanta too, and Santa Monica could never compare to those beaches at home. But seeing you so excited today really put a smile on my face. A trip to the beach for our 1 month, well deserved lol.
1 month is not short, but not long either. Us getting this far is really a team effort. Each day I wake with a good morning text from you is a day to look forward to. Each day I get to hug you, kiss you, I just want to thank God for bringing me such an amazing boyfriend, not that I believe in God.
In regard to our esports industry, it changes pretty fast. I’m not afraid of public opinions, but objectively speaking, if we go forth with our relationship it might do more harm than good. Especially when we’re on Sentinels, fingers always point at us first, plus the whole emotional affairs thing? That’s a recipe for disaster. At least all the important people in our lives know we’re dating, that’s enough.
When the time is right, I’ll let the world know you are mine, I am yours, and we belong to each other.
I don’t even know why I’m still writing these letters instead of saying it straight to your face. Old habits die screaming they say.
(Although, when will you finally agree to move in with me?)
Split 2 is near, and once again, G2 is the first opponent. Death, taxes, something something G2 vs Sentinels. Holy scripted. Let’s all try our best.
See you tomorrow, I’ll buy you a matcha. Don’t you dare refuse.
With love,
Marshall.
───〃★
August 17th, 2025.
To you,
A perfect Group Stage! We shit on G2 as well, sounds like my wet dream. Keep this momentum and we might even win Champs lol.
I don’t have much to say, other than those 3 little words. I actually have no clue what to do, being in a relationship with a man, but I figure as long as we’re honest with each other, we can endure everything.
Been 2 months since we started dating, you’ve been my boyfriend for 2 whole months yet it still feels unreal. Like, I must be the luckiest mfs on Earth’s green grass, no?
Btw. I’m thinking of telling my mom about us. It might be a little early, and she doesn’t know I’m gay (bi?), but I think she’ll understand. With that, I’m sure my dad and brothers won’t mind either. My mom already adores you. Remember when she and your mom came to Toronto to cheer for us? Wild.
Playoffs is fast approaching, more scrims, more matches. It’s so draining sometimes, but I’m still passionate about the game, still want to give it my all.
I’m writing this as you’re deep in slumber on my bed. Sweet dreams, alright? I think you look so beautiful in this light, even more than when you’re onstage. And beautiful things are ephemeral, aren’t they? The future is uncertain, but I have you, I have the boys, everything will be okay.
With love,
Marshall.
───〃★
August 30th, 2025.
To…
Seanzo… Could you please not cry? I really can’t take it when you cry…
I’m speechless. Can’t think, can’t cry, can’t even fucking sleep. Can you at least reply to my texts? I’m literally begging…
Sigh.
I’ve had a bad feeling since before the match, not that I’m ever gonna say this. NRG is not to be underestimated, it’s just, I never thought we’d shit the bed that bad.
I wonder if you’re still crying, licking your open wounds? Or perhaps you’re torturing yourself by reviewing VOD, counting each mistake? Can you please don’t do that to yourself? Can you respond to my texts? Me and the team, we’re always here…
I wonder… If I knock on your door tomorrow, would you even care?
There’s no point in pointing fingers now. I know that a thousand apologies from me won’t ever turn back time. The truth is, we lost, we fucking lost it all, and the wheel of fate is ruthless. For the first time in a while, we didn’t make it to Grand Finals.
The only silver lining is that Paris is awaiting.
The luminous city of light, so close, yet so far.
Oh well. It is what it is.
One last tournament, one last chance to prove ourselves, to embed the Sentinels name on the long history of Valorant esports, to get over all obstacles. Paris is waiting for us.
But, no matter how it all ends, could you not regress back into your own shadows? Could you please not leave me behind? I’ve said this once and I’ll say it again, I will hold up half the sky for you, if you need me I’ll always come through. I just need you to need me.
Don’t disappear like Naoko in the dark woods, will you?
Sleep well.
Love you always,
Marshall.
───〃★
September 5th, 2025.
To you,
This fucking guy… You’re so obviously jealous it physically pains me. Who told you to reply to Ahmed’s tweet like that huh? Who asked?
Lol.
Despite it all, I’m glad we’re on speaking terms again. I know you’re more angry at yourself than at anybody else, cause I’m the same. Whiffing leads to tilting, all that stuff.
But dude, we’ve been dating for literally 3 months. Don’t bottle it all inside, just tell me what’s on your mind. We all process grief and loss differently, but I’m always here.
1 week till our debut at Champions Paris. We must bring home that trophy. We’re out of second chances.
I believe in you, in us, is myself.
Sleep well. I’ll take you out tomorrow.
Love you always,
Marshall.
───〃★
September 19th, 2025.
It’s over.
We failed.
Our dreams, the limelight, dead.
I’m sorry.
I’m sorry.
I’m sorry.
I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.
───〃★
October 15th, 2025.
Dear Sean,
Breaking up 2 days before our 4 months anniversary is heinous work, worse timing than Valorant fr. What a fucking joke.
It’s 3 am, so you’re probably asleep. Not me though, I blink and I see you. Atlanta is cold as shit. My bed sheets smell like blueberries for some reason.
Mom asked me what happened, but I couldn’t give her a proper answer.
You’re such a smartass too. Waiting until I flew back home, breaking up with me through a few texts, and blocking me immediately afterward. Oh my fucking god.
But, well, maybe we both knew when Haven belonged to XLG, 2025 Sentinels and our relationship had reached the end. Maybe it’s naive of me to think it could’ve ended any other way.
Empty handed returning from Paris, victory loosening from our grip, you falling out of mine. I think I’m beginning to despise the term “next time”. “There’s always a next time!” they say, but it gets to a point. There’s no trying again for you, for me, for us anymore.
The painful truth is, I failed. I can no longer hold up half the sky for you. I thought about breaking up too, just didn’t want it to come true. The painful truth is, we lost. No one can defy the tide of fate, and time won’t wait for no one. Even Tyson, the Champions trophy couldn’t wait for him, let alone nobodies like us.
I’ve heard about the 3 months rule, it turns out even us can’t escape that. In the end it’s all my fault.
I’m sorry,
Marshall.
───〃★
October 22nd, 2025.
Dear Sean,
I’m sorry…
No. I’m not going to apologize anymore.
I told everyone we broke it off, and I also begged them to leave you alone. Jordan said I’m a dumbass, Zach said I’m a coward, and Amine, he just said this too shall pass. But I don’t think they can convince you to change your mind or anything.
You’re leaving aren’t you? Leaving for good? I don’t even have anyone to blame this time. What, blaming God?
Kap wants to rebuild Sentinels, getting Yassin and Kyu, me playing duelist instead of Zach, and Amine stepping down from IGL-ing. I haven’t played duelist in 2 years, I don’t know how I will perform. Honestly, I think Kap is a little too ambitious, but I have faith in him. More than that, I respect him, as a teacher, a mentor. He’s helped me a lot, keeping the team on the path of righteousness. He holds me in high regards, so I don’t wanna let him down, I can’t let him down.
But, oh Seanzo. You, Zach, Jordan, all gone. Only Amine stayed behind with me. What will I even do? I would leave Sentinels too if I could, but they won’t allow me. By the time I manage to persuade them, the trialing window will have passed me by.
Leaves only part from their branches once, and that autumn will not wait for me.
Everyone has to grow up at some point, I’m almost 23, and you’re 21. I know I can’t keep clinging onto the past, can’t lean on you, on Zach, on Jordan forever. But it’s easier said than done. Whenever I load into scrims without you or Zach, my heart just snaps into two. Whenever I whiff, tilt, none of you are there to help me calm down anymore.
You and me, we’re not kids anymore. We are no longer the same people as when we started out. My journey from now on won’t have your name in it.
Hurts like a bitch.
As for you, you’re so, so talented, you’ll be picked up by an org in no time. Going back to 100T, back home, doesn’t sound all bad either. Sen didn’t drop you cause you sucks. Conflicting opinions, conflicting playstyle, that’s all there is to it. Keep your head high, chase your dreams.
My twenties, getting to know you, Sentinels, and everyone else, I have no regrets. Besides that dazzling golden trophy I suppose. Meeting you under the scorching sun of Los Angeles, I must’ve used up the luck of a lifetime.
I think it's going to take a long while for me to think about Paris, think about you, without getting a pang in my heart.
Seanzo, my own Omen. I’ll never be your Fade duo, entrying into site with you, anymore.
Bon voyage.
If you ever think about the past, don’t look back at me. Just keep moving forward. This too shall pass.
Just one more thing. If you could, please don’t forget me.
Love you always,
Marshall.
───〃★
November 25th, 2025.
Dear Sean,
I’m officially 23 years old.
I can’t even remember how my life has been, lacking you. Last year you and the boys celebrated my birthday with me. You’re gone now, and I’m all alone. Not even Yassin, Kyu or Cortez can manage to cheer me up.
So we won SEN City Classic, and fell short at Red Bull Home Ground. LA has always been beautiful, New York even more so. But, thinking about it now, not a single memory stands out to me.
Days pass, and I keep dreaming of you, of our severed red string of fate. Crying myself to sleep each night. Opening up your stream each day, quietly watching until I lose my voice from crying, until I’m physically unable to breathe. Can’t stomach anything either. Even Kap is concerned about me losing weight.
Oh man, it’s just a break-up. Why I am so fucking affected by something simple as that? How will I move on like this?
They say time can heal all wounds. It’s been a little over a month since we broke it off, yet I can’t seem to move from this spot, and time is not going to wait for me. I don’t know when I’ll finally heal.
I think that, meeting someone as unique as you once is enough for a lifetime. I don’t need another.
Writing these unsent letters proves to be therapeutic. What I can’t say out loud, I’ll put it here. Should you ever change your mind, I’ll be here. I’ll always be here. Sounds pathetic asf, but my hands are tied. I just, can’t stop falling in love with you, over and over again.
Love you always,
Marshall.
───〃★
December 5th, 2025.
Dear Sean,
Truthfully speaking, when I caught wind that 100T will participate in Sentinels Invitational, I almost called it quits.
You’re still as sharp as usual. I didn’t mean to kill you every single round. Everything just happens for a reason.
It seems like you unblocked me, but I’m not going to bother you with missed calls and unread messages. Time flies by too quickly these days, and I’ve stopped losing sleep over things I can’t control. Zach has gone back to New Jersey, Jordan is slowly integrating with C9, while Amine is still his old self.
I’ve no clue if you still think about me, about the measly 3 months we were together. My only wish is for you to not forget me, and keep writing your own chapter. That’s more than I could ever ask for.
I’m going home to my parents this December. You stick with yours, and Merry Christmas.
Love you always,
Marshall.
───〃★
January 1st, 2026.
Dear Sean,
Another year has arrived. Out with the old, in with the new. I used to think we’d never let go of each other’s hands, walking toward a new year, but alas. I’m still alive, as with you, and sometimes being alive is lucky enough. I have changed, you are no longer the same, I’m required to wear glasses now, and you, surely your hair has grown.
We all have our own separate path. We have to keep living, even without each other.
There is no such thing as “I can’t live without you”. Am I wrong or not?
It’s just, I have a feeling that the scent of blueberries and chocolate chip cookies might haunt me for the rest of my life.
Despite it all, don’t worry yourself sick, I’ll be okay. Look at where we are, look at where we started. This too shall pass.
Happy new year my love, leave all your sorrows behind in 2025. You don’t have to respond to my texts either. Just know I think of you always.
May we meet again in Los Angeles, once the new season rolls around.
Love you always,
Marshall.
───〃★
January 25th, 2026.
Dear Sean,
Quick one before the match cause what the fuck? I mean, everybody in VTC NA knows how we dated for 3 months then broke up, but are we deadass? The Sen graphic team really hammered in the whole heated rivalry thing? Ts is so ass.
I didn’t even know what that show was about until I looked it up. Gotta say, it’s peak engagement baiting. They didn’t think of asking our opinions first either, fucking crazy.
Whatever, I gotta move to the arena now.
But hey, don’t overthink about this too much. I’m not going to throw the game for you or any of that bullshit, you shouldn’t either. We’re not teammates anymore, fighting on two different frontiers, but we’re still N4RRATE and bang, so give it your best.
Love you always,
Marshall.
───〃★
January 27th, 2026.
Dear Sean,
Well this is awkward.
You probably saw the video of me crying like a baby, along with my tweet right… Fuck my big chungus life bruh.
In case you were wondering, I did not cry over seeing you on the other side, wearing the 100T jersey. A lot of things have happened lately, that was just the last straw. Nobody is there to help calm me down anymore, but you already knew that.
I’ve been wanting to depart from Sentinels since October, after you, Zach and Jordan all left. Dragging this shit out until now is so fucking stupid. Plus, Sentinels posted that without my permission. I know they didn’t mean anything by it, and technically they have the right to do that, it’s in the contract, but enough is enough.
I once said I don’t regret choosing Sentinels, or letting Sentinels choose me, but now I’m not sure anymore. I’m so tired.
They convinced me to play at least one more match, and put me off Waylay. I mean, sure I guess, but I’m fairly positive they’re aware that Sentinels Kickoff run is coming to a conclusion.
Perhaps, I’m going to take a break after this. All throughout the last few months since the off-season I’ve been gaslighting myself into thinking that the team will be fine, that Kap has the right reads. Ignoring all the criticisms, the spying eyes, the scrutiny aimed at me.
But everything was wrong from the start, and nothing can change that. This roster, from the very beginning, could never last. Amine told me to think this through, but I’ve mulled over this for 5 months. I have nothing left to give.
Funny how 100T is crossing out every milestone, yet I’m stuck counting my own ghosts.
Such is the way of life.
Nevertheless, I hope you’re okay. 100T this year, high floor, high ceiling. Looks promising, so you’re definitely gonna go far.
As for Sentinels, lol, they don’t need me that much.
Love you always,
Marshall.
───〃★
February 7th, 2026.
Dear Sean,
So Kickoff is a wrap.
I’m a little bit sad, a little bit salty about it, but for the most part I’m relieved. Sad cause I couldn’t perform well, salty cause that’s the end of my qualifying for internationals streak, and relieved cause I don’t have to play for an org I give no shit about.
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t hate Sen per se, but there are certain things in life that must come to an end. Technically this would’ve happened in October if I was allowed, right at the moment you got dropped.
Nonetheless, I want to say a final thank you to Sentinels for bringing us together, for giving us a glorious 2025. A part of my youth belongs to Sen now, and I don’t owe them anything, you don’t owe them anything.
Big changes are coming. Some people will have to leave. I’m just glad you’re okay.
I’m writing this on the plane back to Atlanta. Crazy I know. I’ve gathered my stuff beforehand but I’m not sure I brought everything with me, not that it matters. My everything, I left it where you are already.
Love you always,
Marshall.
───〃★
February 24th, 2026.
Dear Sean,
I’m freezing my balls off in Atlanta. I’m constantly sick, and my clogged up nose is keeping me awake at night. Mom keeps asking if I’m fine, and I am, but she doesn’t buy it. She wants me to eat more, lol. It’s like I’m still a wee child in her mind.
Oh and, she asked about you once, just once, about what exactly went down. I told her nothing of course, we’re not even together anymore.
So what now? Kap got dropped, Kyu as well, and my announcement will come soon. Honestly I think Kyu got the shortest end of the stick. He’s a prolific player, an amazing IGL, and a caring person. Besides you, he’s my favorite teammate by far.
Wasn’t enough for Sen though.
I’m jobless now. Ain’t nothing to do aside from streaming and grinding ranked daily, top 10 Radiant here I come. Santiago is on the horizon, if I care enough I’ll even watch party. Chat keeps spamming bullshit, not my problem tbh.
Sometimes I wonder if you’re watching my stream, but you’re always scrimming whenever I hop on, so probs not. Lol. You’re not unemployed like me.
Heard through the grapevine that you’re going on a trip with 100T. GLHF.
Love you always,
Marshall.
───〃★
February 27th, 2026.
Dear Sean “bang” Bezerra,
This might be the last letter I dedicate to you. I’m flying back to LA tomorrow.
I’ve really thought it through. I’ve got new hobbies, new additions to my routine, and I’ve stopped thinking about you, about Paris, about Sentinels. I’m still contracted with them, but my departure is set in stone. I wouldn’t trial for them even if Ewok personally asked.
I’m still eating like shit, and my sleep schedule is beyond fucked, but I am no longer plagued by perpetual nightmares. I’ve removed SEN from my gamer tag. SEN N4RRATE doesn’t exist anymore, the only thing left is N4RRATE of my fans, and Marshall Massey of my parents. There’s nothing holding me back, so I left. Simple as that.
Seanzo, my own Omen…
No, not mine anymore.
Our life on Earth is a long, winding road, but incredible intangible as the same time. Our time together is even more fleeting. No one can stop the flow of time as it will corrode all traces of us, but having met you on this voyage named “life”, I’m grateful for the memories.
Be strong, be brave, you still have many years left on this journey. As for me, I’ll hold onto the you of yesterday, the us of yesterday, as motivation to keep moving forward.
They were right y’know, time can heal all wounds. Come rain or come shine, we’ll be alright, cause we will always get to where we need to be.
I might not participate in Split 1, or even Split 2, but I’m fine with that. We’re young, young people are bound to make mistakes and eventually fix them. There were losses, there were pain, but there was also happiness, and when the storm passes, there’ll come a radiant rainbow. No matter what jersey I don from here on out, my heart stays with you.
I wish you all the best, my love. If you’re ever feeling demotivated, do not look back. Tomorrow is a new dawn, and the sun will always come out.
Yours forever and always,
Marshall “N4RRATE” Massey.
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March 1st, 2026.
Dear Marsh,
You are such a fucking idiot! Going back to Atlanta, writing these letters, I sort of get it, but if you weren’t ever going to send them why did you leave them in the open at the Sen office? If it was anyone else and not Amine who found them, we’re both so fucked. Thankfully Amine isn’t the nosy type.
But well, I might be stupid too. So we’re even.
Marshall. You were right, there is no such thing as “I can’t live without you”, time will heal all wounds, and certain things in life must come to an end. You were right about all of that.
However. For the past 4-5 months I haven’t gotten a single good night’s sleep. I’ve no clue what’s left for us, for 100T, Sentinels, bang and N4RRATE. But…
Alright.
I’m not going to yap anymore, not within these letters. Some stuff should be said out loud. You’re back in LA aren’t you? Okay, well. I’m coming over to your apartment tomorrow, you better open the fucking door. I’ll kick your head in if you don’t.
Just kidding.
Marsh, my own Fade. You urged me to never look back, but this isn’t me looking back. I’m not burning the bridges, I’m building them, paving my way toward a new chapter.
Wait for me, just a little bit longer.
With love,
Sean.