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Eddie can still hear the sound of the door slamming in his ears. Ringing out loud.
Sitting in his car, he's unable to move. His hands are shaking too much, willing no more tears to fall.
After what feels like forever, he finally puts the car into drive and just leaves. He has no where in mind he just has to go, anywhere is better than being here.
The tears still burn the back of his eyes, the remains dried on his cheeks. He can't do anything to remove it, he couldn’t even if he wanted to.
He doesn't want to do this.
So he just just drives and drives until the car is almost out of gas.
He pulls into the next gas station he comes across, after filling up with twenty five bucks worth of gas, he grabs a bottle of Tylenol, all this crying has brought on a headache, a migraine.
Eddie is the kind to get a migraine after crying, he's not sure what causes it. He can feel his eyes getting heavy, this time it's not from crying alone.
Getting back to the car, he drives to somewhere secluded.
It ends up being a small lay by looking over the water. It's a nice view. Buck would have loved it. Or he would have claimed to love it like he claimed to love him.
What did he do wrong? Why wasn't he enough, could he have ever been enough? The only person he's ever truly loved never loved him and has just been lying to him this whole time.
It hurts. He just wants everything to stop hurting.
Grabbing the Tylenol from the passenger seat, he pops it open with one hand, pouring two tablets out into his palm and swallows them down. Before this migraine gets too much.
Letting his head fall back onto the headrest, he knows he's going to be here for a while. So Eddie lets himself get comfortable. Moving the seat as far back as it will possibly go, leaning it back in the same way, till he's in a somewhat laid position. It's not comfortable but it’ll do for now.
Eddie can hear his phone vibrating, he's not sure where it's coming from, his eyes are too unfocused to even attempt to look for it.
So he stays laid out. Only moving to take more Tylenol. Two more. Then two more, and two more.
He tries to fall asleep so everything passes by faster, but the pain is too much to sleep. Eddie doesn’t know what hurts worse right now, the pain of the migraine, the fact Chris is gone or the pain of the heartbreak.
Picking up the bottle of Tylenol once again, pouring a couple into his hand, unsure of how many that are there. He looks at them and looks at the view barely able to see it. He pops the handful of tablets into his mouth and gets out of the car to get a better view of everything in front of him.
Sitting on the hard gravely floor, he lets himself be taken over by the cool early evening breeze.
He should have brought his phone out with him. A part of him is glad he didn't, otherwise he'd be trying to stop himself from contacting Buck, even though the last thing Buck wants is to hear from him. He misses him. A part of him is missing – broken. He's broken.
He doesn't know if he can be fixed at this point, his own kid hates him he one person who he thought loved him unconditionally doesn't love him at all, he’s somehow managed to fuck up his entire life by just being himself and being happy for the first time, ever.
All of it is too much. He can't do this anymore.
Standing up feels like an outer body experience, it doesn't feel like he's in control, something or someone has taken over his movements. As Eddie gets back into the car, he automatically grabs for the bottle of tylenol once again pouring more into his hand absentmindedly.
Eddie slips back into his car and grabs around for his phone. Seeing the time flash up, with 4:38pm.
When did he even leave the house? Ignoring the notifications, he opens up the text thread with Chris, albeit a one sided text thread. He’s got to apologise again. He can’t have him hating him.
Chris: Mijo, I'm sorry for eveythnf that's happened and I hope one day you’ll undersdn it all you’ll get why I did what I did. It's not becase of you, or anyone else. It’s my own issssues. I'm srry and I love you, you’ll always be the best thing that’s ever hapend to me, that will never change.
He still can’t see properly, hopefully his message made sense.
Next is Buck, he needs to hear his voice one more time. As the phone rings out, he reaches for more tablets. Eddie doesn't know if this choice is a conscious one or not. He doesn’t feel like himself right now. He doesn’t feel human. He barely exists right now, just a mere thought of someone who once meant something to someone.
Buck doesn't answer which doesn't surprise him, it doesn’t make it hurt any less.
‘This is Buck sorry i cant take your call, i’ll get back to you when i can.’
“Buck,” Eddie’s voice whispers into the phone. “Im sorry. I’m sorry I couldn't be what you wanted. I’m sorry I wasn’t enough, I am thankful you gave me the opportunity to love you, even for a small amount of time. You are my reason for everything and now I don't know what to do without it. Please don’t blame yourself for this, none of this is your fault Buck, I love you too much to let you blame yourself, I know what I'm doing. I’m okay, I will be okay soon enough. I just need you to know I love you. I’m sorry, I love you.”
Letting the phone slip from his hand, landing somewhere in the footwell. He probably should head home soon.
Where's home?
The tiredness of everything has finally hit him, leaning back in the still reclined seat, he lets himself sleep. He can’t keep his eyes open anymore.
Sleep sounds perfect right now. Goodnight Chris, goodnight Buck.
******
Buck can’t bring himself to listen to the voicemail Eddie left, he sat and watched it ring out. He wants to talk to him but he’s not ready for the conversation that’s to follow.
He knows he fucked up by staying with him, he really did love him, and never wanted to hurt him. Buck didn’t know how to end it without destroying the both of them in the process. He's never broken up with anyone before so did what he could to make it where Eddie would break up with him. He deserves to be the broken one for being a coward.
Buck doesnt know what love is, doesnt know if ever been truly in love with anyone. Eddie was the closest he got to that feeling. Something still felt off. Something he couldn't place.
The house felt wrong, too big and too cold. He didn’t realise how much space Eddie filled with his presence until it was too late.
With him gone, it’s too much, he hates it. He shouldn't be here, this isn’t his home, it's Eddie’s and Chris’. Buck is just an imposter taking up space.
As Buck grabs his phone to leave, he gets a call from Eddie, not wanting to ignore him twice he answers.
“Ed’s where are you?”
“Hello?” a voice he doesn’t know from the other side says.
Buck gets a cold chill down his spine. There's been some sort of crash, he can just tell, something is wrong.
“Who’s this?” Buck can’t help but say.
“My name is Robyn and I work as a medic for the LAFD, you were the last person called, is there any information you can give about the person who owns this phone so I can pass it on to the people working on him currently.”
Buck isn’t sure he’s breathing right now, what’s happening.
“His – his name is Edmundo Diaz, goes by Eddie, he's a firefighter, we both are a part of the 118, and he’s my, he's my ex boyfriend, please tell me what's going on, Robyn please.” His hands are shaking, Buck can barely keep the phone still.
“I’m sorry I can't give out any information at this time, were heading to First Presbyterian now”
“Please just give me something, was there a crash? Is he okay?” Tears gloss over his eyes, he fucked up all of this is his fault.
“All I can say is there was no crash but he was found with an open bottle of pills in the car.”
And then Robyn hangs up, his mind going a million miles a minute. Buck rushes into their bedroom to grab a clean sweater to put on, knowing how cold hospital waiting rooms can be.
That's when he sees the lone sunflower placed on his pillow. It’s beautiful. He picks it before he leaves and it takes it with him to the hospital. He didn't even put on any shoes, just left wearing a pair of Eddie’s plain black socks.
The drive to the hospital passes in a blur, he leaves the jeep parked at an angle outside the ER entrance not caring about anything other than finding out what the hell has happened.
Running straight for the front desk “Eddie Diaz, just got brought in by ambulance. Where is he please? I need to know.”
The doctor, nurse who ever it was barely looked up at him before typing something on the computer and saying ‘Bay five’
Buck’s legs can't get him to bay five fast enough, which of course is on the complete opposite side of the room to him.
It’s surrounded by multiple people, before he gets the chance to say anything, one of the doctors looks at his watch, then back to Eddie.
“Time of death, 7:02 pm”
In that moment Buck’s entire world goes black.