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He doesn't know when it started, when Buck started to pull away from him. He didn't notice and he hates himself for not noticing.
Has he not been showing him enough love? He knows Buck is very PDA heavy, unable to keep his hands to himself. But now whenever they're out together Buck keeps at least one foot of space between them. Eddie feels like he’s going crazy, he feels like he's lost his heart and he's just walking around watching his heart walk one foot away from him at all times.
Close enough to reach out and touch but far enough away for it to feel wrong to do. Seeing his heart beating outside of his body in the form of another human, feels like it isn't his. Maybe it was never his to start with.
Eddie can't lose him. He needs to win him back, small gestures, big gestures, outlandish crazy gestures he doesn't care, he'd do them all.
Starting with something small that he knows Buck loves, flowers. Particularly sunflowers. He made an excuse that he had to go buy some bread from the shop, so he could get out of the house alone. In all honesty he could have straight up told Buck “hey I'm going to go buy you some flowers” and he would have gotten the same reaction, a small groan of acknowledgement from Buck, not even looking up from his latest deep dive. He doesn't even know what is on – he doesn't tell him the fun facts he learns anymore, he misses it, he misses his voice. He can't help but wonder if he misses him too.
The florist is empty, void of people and any sort of emotion, it feels fitting. He orders the biggest bunch of sunflowers they have and one single fake one, so at least one of them will never die and Buck can keep a memento of his love for him. Twenty sunflowers later he's on his way back to the house.
The kitchen is empty, the living room is empty, the bedroom is empty. It's not until he does a double take through the house that he notices the note on the couch. That just says “gone to Maddies for a few days”
The flowers stay on the side in the kitchen slowly dying before they eventually get thrown away.
He doesn't even see him at work, apparently he’d called in sick. Buck never calls in sick, he has to be physically forced to stay home when he's ill. Keeping him away is a struggle; there's no way he’d willingly stay home.
The only bonus to everything is he heard through Chim that Buck was coming back home tonight. So he wants to cook for him, he doesn't know what to do, he doesn't have Bobby’s recipe for the lasagna or chilli so he can't do either of them, he doesn't have the ingredients to make his Abuelas tamales.
Will he have to settle for something Buck barely tolerates? Unfortunately because he can't do what he wants to do. So grilled chicken and rice it is, with a side of broccoli it is. This isn't going to win him back and make him fall in love with him again but it's a start. It's got to count for something. He really hopes Buck sees it as him making an effort. Especially since the sunflowers failed. He’s already placed the fake one on top of Buck's pillow. Just perched there waiting for him.
The food gets plated up just as Buck walks back in, it feels wrong and too quiet, that could also be down to the fact that Chris is still in Texas, still not talking to him. Bad things come in threes apparently, the first bad thing happened, Chris left.
He saw Kim, who he thought was Shannon. Nothing even happened between them, the most they did was get coffee. Chris and Buck saw them hug, that was it, Buck had known everything from the start, he encouraged him to back and talk to her to see if he finally could get the closure he needed from her death in a weird twisted way. It somehow worked, he hated doing it, he hated the feeling of being on a date with someone else, fully knowing it wasn't a date.
All he could do was imagine it was Buck he was with, every part of him craved Buck. He craved him all the time.
“Foods ready if you're hungry” Eddie says, putting down two plates on the table. He doesn't expect him to sit down and actually eat with him. But he does.
“Thanks Eddie.”
That's all, that's all he gets the entire meal. No matter how many questions he throws at Buck he gets met with silence and Buck shoving food in his mouth so he's unable to talk even if he wanted to.
Buck stands up to leave, plate still on the table, heading towards the bathroom. Eddie doesn't know what takes over him, so he decides to follow.
The bathroom door doesn't get a chance to shut behind Buck before he's pushing it back open.
“Buck, what the fuck is going on, why won't you talk to me? What did I do? How can I fix this?” His words barely could escape, a lump forming in his throat. While Buck carries on doing what he came in to do - pee. He doesn't get a reply until after Buck has washed his hands, he finally turns and looks at him then, truly looks at him for the first time.
“I don't know what you want me to say, you already know what I want to say don't you?”
“Please don't Buck, we can fix this whatever it is whatever I did we can fix it, I love you and I can't lose you.”
Buck pushes back and heads towards the kitchen.
“There's nothing left to fix Eddie.”
“Of course there is, I love you and I would do anything for you Buck, it's how it is for us I love you and you love me right? We can work through anything.”
Buck stops dead in his tracks, his hands gripping the side of the sink, his head tilted.
“But it's not how it is, Eddie I-” he turns to face him, “I don't love you, not anymore. Not like how I used to anyway, I love you but I'm not in love with you. I'm sorry, but I can't do this anymore, us, it's too much, I'm sorry but it's over Eddie.”
He can't let himself cry, not here, not at this moment. He can let himself breakdown later.
“When did it change, when did you stop loving me?”
“I'm not sure if I ever did, not how I was meant to.”
Can he just flee his own house, leaving Buck to deal with everything that's left?
It's not even a house anymore at this point it's barely just four walls and Eddie is barely keeping it together.
“So none of this meant anything to you? What was it? Just some sort of experiment that you moved in with?”
“Of course it meant something Eddie, I did think I loved you at the start of course I did but over time I realised I was wrong and it became more clear that I wasn't in love with you, not how you love me,” Buck can't even look at him anymore, the floor is apparently more interesting. “I just didn't– I don't want to hurt you.”
“Yeah well, you failed that Buck, I'm leaving I can't be here, around you right now.”
He needs to be away, somewhere else, anywhere but here.
“Eddie, you can't just leave, this is your home.”
Is he being serious right now? That's the bit he's concerned over.
“No it's not, Buck you were my home and now this,” his arms gesture around him wildly. “This is nothing, we're clearly nothing, I have nothing, no home, no kid, no you.”
Blinking back tears, Eddie takes a couple deep breaths as he walks to the front door.
“Goodbye Buck, I hope you get everything you want.”
The door shuts behind him with a quiet click, and it feels like the end of everything. The end of him.
He doesn't have anything left, nothing to fight for anymore, no one to fight for.
How is he meant to do this life, without his only reasons he had left for being alive.