Work Text:
“I changed my mind.”
Eddie looked up from where he was filling out the venmo payment, looking at Maddie across from him. All around him, the post-auction bustle was still going on in full force. To his right, he saw Harry scowling at his mother, obviously not amused about the fact that Athena had won the bidding war on him. A little further away, Ravi and May were deep in conversation, and wasn’t that something he hadn’t seen coming. Eddie put in a mental reminder to ask their previous Probie about his intentions with May. Ever since their time together at dispatch, Eddie had become invested in the young woman’s wellbeing. May was only a few years younger than Adriana, and Eddie had mentally added her to the roster of little sisters the moment he had gotten to know her a little better.
Eddie didn’t have to turn around to know that on the other side of the runway, Buck was holding court with the group of senior citizens from their call a couple of days ago that had won the bidding war on Buck. Eddie always knew where Buck was in any given room. Call it a sixth sense.
The firefighter’s gaze fell on the red-headed woman sitting in front of him, who was smiling with a glint in her eyes.
“What?”
“I changed my mind. I’m gonna pay for the date after all.”
Eddie swallowed the second ‘what’ that almost slipped past his lips.
„You want to go on a date - with me?“ Eddie wasn’t sure if he was being punked or if the Han marriage was going through a rough patch. Either way, he didn’t really want any part in it. The week had been stressful enough. Thinking Chris had been kidnapped, ending up assaulted by a deranged religious maniac and then being objectified like a piece of meat in the auction - Eddie was ready to end this week and never look back.
Maddie had other plans apparently.
"Come on, it’s gonna be fun. We can go to dinner, catch up. We’ve known each other for almost 8 years and I think the last time we hung out together outside of official functions or team barbeques was when you helped me move into my first apartment here in LA. That was 7 years ago, in case you forgot.“
„We hung out before your wedding“ Eddie tried to argue, but the scathing look Maddie sent him had him shut his mouth again.
„Oh you mean the thirty minutes before finding out my husband was missing? The thirty minutes in which you couldn’t stand upright without almost vomiting or having to hold onto my brother to stay on your feet? How could I forget, what fun times!“
Okay, yeah, Maddie had him there. That morning had not been fun…
„You don’t have to pay twenty-five hundred dollars to hang out with me, though. We had a deal and I don’t want to empty Jee and Robbie’s college fund just for us to get coffee. Let me just pay and then we can figure out when to get together.“ Eddie fiddled with his phone in his hands, uncomfortable with this situation. If Buck, or God forbid, Chimney, found out about this, he’d never live it down.
„I’m not gonna dip into the kids’ college fund for this, who do you think I am?“ Maddie scoffed, then quirked her mouth up and smirked, „our outing will be payed for by my son of a bitch dead ex-husband. He’ll turn in his grave knowing I am using the money from his estate for charity. And I’m going to enjoy every second of spending that money! Besides, I know you, Eddie Diaz. If I don’t buy a date with you, you’ll end up finding excuses not to go out with me. This way, you literally have no way to say no to me without feeling guilty.“
Eddie knew he couldn’t say no. If he did, if he insisted on paying up like they had originally planned, he’d look like an asshole who refused to spend time with his best friend’s sister/Captain’s wife. And he knew that Maddie knew that. With a sigh, the firefighter leaned back in his chair, dropping his phone on the table.
„Alright then…“
„Great! Let’s see, how about next week Friday? The kids will be at their bi-weekly sleepover at the Lees, Howie will be busy covering for the B shift Captain and I know you have the day off because Howie kept complaining about how boring that shift was going to be because no one from A shift would work alongside him. And I was talking to Karen earlier about scheduling our next wine night, but she vetoed that night because Denny and Chris have a sleepover planned at their house. So there’s literally no excuse for us not to go out.“
„Looks like there’s no way for me to get out of this, I guess.“
„Exactly. So it’s a date. 7pm next Friday!“
Eddie really hoped he would not live to regret this…
Eddie should have known that everything would turn out differently than what he had expected.
„Honestly I am so sorry, Eddie“ Maddie opened with when he arrived at the Han residence to pick her up for their dinner. He’d barely got out of the car before Maddie had stepped through the front door, an apologetic look on her face.
„What’s going on?“ Eddie asked, moving up the driveway. Maddie moved closer to him on the porch and pulling the door closed behind her.
"I’m so sorry, but Jee must have picked up a bug from preschool and just started vomiting everywhere an hour ago. The Lees have taken Robbie so he doesn’t pick it up either, but I can’t leave Jee with them. And I’ve been cleaning up barf for the last hour and completely forgot about letting you know I have to cancel“ Maddie looked contrite and close to collapsing at the same time.
„Oh, well, that’s okay. Don’t worry about it. Of course you have to take care of Jee. We can just reschedule some other time…“
„No, seriously, I feel so bad, Eddie. I know you made reservations at that new Italian place that is supposed to be amazing. It’s a shame the reservation is going to go to waste, I’ve heard it’s near impossible to get a table there…"
Well, Maddie was right. It had been a miracle that there was a table left at the restaurant when he had called earlier in the week. The hostess had said so to Eddie.
„It’s all good, I promise. We’ll just go somewhere else if we can’t get a table there again next time.“
„Thanks, Eddie, you’re a sweetheart…“ Maddie smiled gratefully, but just a second later, her face morphed into a look of revelation. „Oh! I got it! Why don’t you go and have dinner there with Evan? He was super jealous when I told him our plans earlier today. He’s been wanting to check that place out ever since it opened but hasn’t been able to get a table. And I know he doesn’t have any plans today. In fact, he was moping around when I told him he couldn’t come over to watch the kids while we went out.“
Eddie didn’t know what his face looked like, but he knew his innards were on the verge of turning inside out. Dinner with Buck? At a fancy restaurant?!
„Uhhh…“
„It’s gonna be great! I know the last week hasn’t been easy for either of you, so what better way to unwind and decompress than with a nice dinner and a few drinks. Let me just text him that you’re on your way to his place. You’ll need to hurry if you want to make it in time!“
Eddie was still stuck on the thought of dinner with Buck at a fancy restaurant. It wasn’t that he had never gone out for a meal with his best friend before, but things had been different since he had come back from Texas the previous year. And then at the auction…
Eddie mentally shook that thought out of his head. There was no use dwelling on that now.
„Okay, done, I texted him“ Maddie announced, a smile on her face. „I hope you’ll enjoy the evening. It’ll for sure be more fun that what I’ll be having!“ Just in that moment, Eddie could hear a distinct cry from inside the house.
„Well, that’s my cue! See you later, Eddie, we’ll text for a new date to go out, ‚kay?" The older woman didn’t even wait for Eddie’s answer before she hurried back inside, the cries from inside momentarily louder through the open door.
Hadn’t she said Robbie was at the Lee’s?
Eddie stood for another moment, stuck in place in front of his car. There was no use stalling. Maddie had already texted Buck that Eddie was on his way over to his place.
Traffic was surprisingly not too bad, so Eddie made it to Buck’s neighborhood with ample time to spare before their reservation at the restaurant. He parked his truck - thankfully clean again after the paint attack by Abigail’s father - in Buck’s driveway and made his way to the front door. He knocked, even though he had a key. Since Buck had moved into his new house, it didn’t feel right to use the key. Things had… changed in the last year.
After a moment’s wait, the door swung inward to reveal Buck - in sweats and a hoodie.
„What are you doing here? I thought you were going out with my sister tonight? Which is a bit weird, by the way.“
Eddie frowned. Hadn’t Maddie said she had texted Buck?
„Uhhh, Jee is sick so she had to raincheck…“ Eddie started, then stopped. Buck should know all this already. „Didn’t Maddie text you?“
Buck took out his phone from the front pocket of his hoodie, waking up the screen and shaking his head.
„Nope“, he replied, turning the phone to show Eddie the screen. Indeed, it was empty, safe for the picture of Jee piled onto a sleeping Buck. Eddie tried to keep his stomach from swooping at the sight. It was a cute display, a photo that could’ve gone well in Buck’s presentation at the auction the week before.
„Huh…“ Eddie huffed, then remembered why he was actually at his best friend’s place. „Uhh, Maddie suggested not letting the reservation go to waste. She said you had wanted to go check out the restaurant, so we could…“ Eddie’s voice petered out. What was he supposed to say? I could go on the date with you instead? Saying that would be a decidedly terrible idea!
Was it though? The way Buck’s face lit up at the unsaid offer suggested he was happier about it than Eddie would have thought.
„Oh! That- yeah, cool, why not? That would be great. I’ve heard great things about the place, but getting a table is near impossible…" Buck let his words fade while looking down at himself. „I guess I should change into something a bit more… appropriate for going out.“ With that, he turned around on the spot and walked back inside the house, motioning Eddie to follow him. „I’ll be quick, I promise.“
Eddie heaved a sigh once he was alone in the kitchen. This was going to be an interesting evening… If good or bad, he didn’t know just yet…
True to his word, Buck only took 10 minutes before emerging from his bedroom - in what Eddie could only describe as a matching outfit. Where Eddie was wearing dark jeans with a maroon button down, Buck was wearing dark pants with a maroon sweater.
A color that looked good on him. Eddie had always known that color brought out a warm glow to Buck’s skin. A glow that matched the man’s smile when he noticed the color-coordinated outfits.
„No mistaking that we belong together, huh?!“ Buck joked, and Eddie had to keep himself from fainting.
That man was going to put him in an early grave.
„Let’s- let’s get going if we want to make that reservation“ Eddie replied instead, turning on his heel and walking out to his truck. He didn’t check to see if Buck was following.
He was though. Buck got into the truck just after Eddie, smiling brightly, immediately fiddling with the dial for the radio.
„This is gonna be great!“
Eddie wasn’t so sure. And it wasn’t because he didn’t enjoy spending time with Buck. He did, Buck was Eddie’s best friend. But things had been different between them the last few months. Ever since Bobby’s death, there had been a divide between Buck and Eddie, one that neither of them had placed there on purpose, but that nevertheless seemed impossible to scale. That night in the kitchen had changed things between them.
And Eddie knew it was his fault. He shouldn’t have said all those things to Buck, shouldn’t have accused him of being selfish when the man was so clearly hurting. Buck had lost Bobby, who was more of a father figure to Buck than Philip Buckley had ever been to his youngest son. For all intents and purposes, Buck had lost his father and he had every right to mourn that loss.
But Eddie hadn’t been left untouched by Bobby’s death either. Just because he hadn’t been at the lab on that fateful day didn’t mean that Eddie took Bobby’s passing any better than the rest of the team. Eddie had lost count on how many nights he had laid in bed awake, wondering if the outcome of the lab explosion could have been different, had Eddie been there. Could he have done something to save Bobby? Like Bobby had saved him so many times before?
Being confronted with the grief of his friends had undone him. They had always weathered storms together, no matter what. But for the first time, the 118 had been splintered apart. Instead of holding each other, leaning on each other and having each other’s backs, Eddie and Buck had lashed out at each other. They had said - no, Eddie had said things that couldn’t be taken back. Eddie had felt further apart from Buck than he ever had, even further than when more than 800 miles had literally separated them.
But Eddie didn’t want to be apart from Buck. He yearned for the closeness he had always had with his best friend. He wanted to spend time with Buck, goof around with him when they had downtime at the station, hang out on their days off, either just the two of them, or together with Chris. He wanted his best friend back, wanted things to go back to how they had been before Eddie had let his life implode when he had indulged in getting close to Kim. That really had been the beginning of the end for all of it, hadn’t it?
Eddie looked over to Buck next to him, sitting in silence, scrolling through his phone. Most likely he was studying the restaurant’s menu so he wouldn’t take ages to order when they got there.
„You decided what you gonna get?“ Eddie couldn’t help himself from asking. He knew Buck too well.
„Oh, well, there’s a few things that sound great. I’ve heard they make great Ossobuco. The meat’s supposed to be fall-off-the-bone-tender. But I’ve also heard great things about their seafood fettuccini“ Buck rattled off, sending Eddie a wide smile. „You’re footing the bill, right?“
„I will as long as you’re not going to order every main on the menu“ Eddie replied, unable to keep the smile off his own face.
„You’re such a cheap date, Diaz“ Buck quipped, but the smile didn’t leave his face.
Eddie tried not to swerve into oncoming traffic. How could Buck just sit there and say these things without realizing what he was doing to Eddie?
Because after that auction, Eddie had had what other’s might call an epiphany. That certain realization had put most everything in Eddie’s life into perspective. It explained why no relationship with any woman Eddie had been in ever lasted. Why he pulled away from prospects of a ready-made family. Why he had literally begged Maddie to bid on him on his own behalf, just so Eddie wouldn’t have to go out on a date with a random woman.
Seeing Buck up on the runway, smiling brightly and stoking the crowd, seeing the pictures of him with Jee and Robbie, of Buck baking, smiling brightly, hearing the announcer’s words about Buck wanting to settle down and start a family - all that made Eddie realize that that was exactly what he wanted.
He wanted Buck. Not just as a best friend, a work partner. He wanted all of him. Always. In good times and bad. Till death did them part.
Because no one would ever compare to Buck, who was, in Eddie’s eyes, the best person on this planet.
And here Buck was, throwing out comments about the two of them being on a date (which they technically were but not in that context) as if his words didn’t put bullets through Eddie’s heart whenever he said them. Because there was no way Eddie would ever be able to tell Buck how he felt. It would change everything. He would fuck it up and end up with nothing.
Eddie would rather suffer in silence than threaten the facsimile of a life with Buck that he had with him right now.
„You alright, man?“ Eddie was pulled out of his thoughts by Buck’s voice. He gave his head a subtle shake, trying to chase away the traitorous thoughts that were stuck there.
„What? Oh yeah, all good, bud. Just paying attention to traffic.“ That was a lie. For once in his life, LA traffic was barely existent.
„Oh, yeah, that’s good. Eyes on the road and all that…“ Eddie knew that Buck knew he was lying. But how could he ever tell his best friend what was really going on?
Thankfully, Eddie was saved by the GPS announcing their destination after the next turn. Indeed, Eddie turned into the parking lot of the upscale restaurant just then, parking in one of the free spots. Checking the time, he was surprised to see that despite the detour to Buck’s place, they were still early for their reservation.
Eddie and Buck made their way to the entrance, and as if on autopilot, Eddie jogged ahead to open the door. He’d have done that for everyone, why wouldn’t he open the door for Buck? His mother would be proud to know that Eddie remembered the things she had drilled into him. And if the smile Buck sent Eddie in return sent a myriad of butterflies into chaos in his stomach, then so be it. He’d suffer through it.
The hostess smiled brightly at the pair of men when she greeted them and showed them to their table, a small one in a secluded corner of the dining room. Around them, Eddie could see a variety of couples enjoying their dinner - to their left, an elderly couple shared a piece of tiramisu, smiling lovingly at each other; to their right, a young couple sat through what appeared to be a very uncomfortable first date. From an outside perspective, Buck and Eddie fit right in with the rest of the crowd. A couple out on a romantic dinner.
Except that no matter how much Eddie yearned for it, that assumption was very far from the truth.
„This looks even nicer than on the pictures I saw on Yelp“ Buck commented when he sat down across from Eddie, opening the menu that sat in front of each of them, despite having studied it in the car already.
„Yelp is still a thing?!“ Eddie rebutted, failing to keep the scoff out of his voice.
„Sure it is!“ Buck replied, visibly excited by the chance to share knowledge with Eddie. „Did you know our fire station actually has reviews on Yelp? Most of the reviews are positive but a couple of them are one star reviews. I saw one that complained that we didn’t wash the trucks shirtless. Don’t think that really warrants a one star review but some people have different priorities, I guess…“
Eddie really loved Buck’s ramblings. It was one of his most charming attributes.
„Welcome to Restaurante Cantuccio. My name is Arabella and I will be your server today. Would you like to start the evening with an aperitif?“ Eddie was shaken out of his thoughts by a young woman in black dress. She smiled warmly at Eddie, who in turn looked at Buck in question.
„Uh, sure, why not. What would you recommend?“
„Oh, the Basil Spritz is a popular choice, both with or without alcohol. Or if you want to keep it traditional, we have an excellent Prosecco I could recommend“ Arabella replied, and from her tone of voice, you could hear that she wasn’t just rattling off a memorized script on what to say.
Buck looked up at Eddie, gauging his thoughts. Instead of waiting for Buck to reply, Eddie took over.
„That Basil Spritz sounds good. Without alcohol for me, though, if possible.“
„Absolutely. I’ll be right back with that.“ The server scribbled down their order on her notepad and with another smile at them, left to put in the order at the bar.
„Not feeling boozy tonight?“ Buck asked, keeping the tone light. Eddie couldn’t help but roll his eyes.
„Not really feeling like getting drunk and then having to uber home later“ he replied matter-of-factly.
„You don’t have to- I mean, I can totally drive home if you want to-“
„It’s okay, Buck. I invited you, so you should enjoy the date.“
Why did he say that?? Where was that 7.1 earthquake when you needed it to open up the ground and swallow you whole?!
„Oh, uhm, okay, I- yeah, okay“ Buck stumbled through his words, and even in the dim light, Eddie could see the tinge of pink around Buck’s nose. He looked… flustered?
Well, that was impossible. Buck didn’t get flustered. Did he?
Instead of dwelling on those thoughts, Eddie opened the menu and perused his choices for dinner. The menu wasn’t extensive, which pointed towards high quality dining. Less is more, or whatever the saying was.
„Do you want to share appetizers?“ Buck had apparently found his steady voice again.
„Sure, sounds good. You finally decided on your main?“
„Yeah, I think so…“
If there was something Eddie hated more than this meaningless small talk, it was an uncomfortable silence. He rarely experienced those when in Buck’s company, but for once, neither of them found the right words to fill the space between them.
Thankfully, Arabella returned that moment with their drinks.
„Are you ready to order or do you need another moment?“
They didn’t need more time and gave the server their choices for dinner - Buck chose the Ossobuco while Eddie decided on the pan-fried sole, with a variation of appetizers to share. The server recommended wine that complemented their choices - red for Buck, white for Eddie - and then left their table.
„Well, I know that I wasn’t your first choice for company tonight, but I hope I’ll make up for it“ Buck quipped when he picked up his glass, holding it out for Eddie to clink his own glass.
„Hey, you’re great company“ Eddie replied, meaning every word. No matter the awkwardness they were wading through right then, no matter the distance they had felt between them the last few months, Buck was still Eddie’s favorite person - after Christopher of course. And if Eddie knew Buck even just a little bit, he knew that he, too, would rank Chris above Eddie on his scale of favorite people.
Eddie wouldn’t want it any other way.
„So… you heard anything from Abigail? She made it on the road okay?“ Eddie looked up from where he was focussing on the bubbles rising within his glass. He had been stuck in his thoughts far too much today.
„She texted me yesterday. She decided that she wanted to make her journey a bit of an adventure. She hasn’t really seen anything of the country before so she got a guide on roadside curiosities and must-see attractions. Apparently the largest ball of twine was smaller than she expected“ Eddie replied, a fond smile on his face. Despite all the things that had happened in the previous week, Eddie had a soft spot for the lost girl. She had never meant to hurt him or his family, had always just wanted to help. It wasn’t Abigail’s fault that she had been dealt a shit hand when it came to parents.
„Well, I could’ve told her that, saved her the trip. For what it is hyped up to be, actually seeing it is pretty anti-climactic“ Buck commented, taking another sip of his drink.
„You’ve been to see it? Why?“
„Back when I was hopping around the country. I had worked on a ranch in Montana for a while and then made my way south. I saw a sign on the side of the road and thought it would be fun to check it out. Don’t know what I expected, to be honest, but seeing that ball of twine really was just pretty bland“ Buck explained, shrugging his shoulders. „If she wants to see something cool, she should check out Randyland in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. That really is pretty cool to look at.“
„I’ll make sure to let her know. If you’re okay with it, I could send Abigail your number, just in case she needs any more recommendations on what to stop at on her roadtrip. You definitely have more of them than I do“ Eddie suggested, to which he received a nod in return.
„Sure, she can always message me if she wants.“
This was nice. Much nicer than the awkward silence or idle small talk they had had to sit through before. It still wasn’t the type of carefree conversation Eddie missed having with Buck, but at least they were talking. They were once again interrupted by Arabella, who quickly served them their starters, a mixed plate of Italian antipasti.
„Is Chris okay? After all that’s been going on last week, I can imagine he must have been rattled“ Buck asked while they were picking their way through their appetizers. Buck claimed the calamari, while Eddie made quick work of the artichoke hearts.
„Chris is way too cool to be rattled. That’s what he told me, at least. I sometimes forget that he’s not a kid anymore. To him, he was just picked up by a friend who then came over to play video games. His friends actually thought it was super cool that he was picked up from school by ‚an older chick‘. When did he stop being the cute 8-year-old and become a teenager that communicates with sighs and eye-rolls and is too cool to hang out with his dad?“ Eddie grumbled. His apparent unhappiness about his son’s reaction earned a chuckle from Buck.
„Well, if you look at it from the perspective of a teenager, being picked up from school by an older girl really is pretty cool. Not that what Abigail did wasn’t way out of line, though…“ Buck’s voice grew thoughtful with his last sentence. „I was pretty freaked out when you called me…“
Eddie set down the small spoon he had used to put olives on his own plate, thinking back to that moment of not knowing where his son was.
„Yeah, I… that was probably one of the worst moments of my life, not knowing where Chris is… Thanks for talking me through it and keeping me sane“ Eddie replied earnestly. He meant every word. If it hadn’t been for Buck, he would have lost his mind in that moment.
„Eddie“ Buck said, pulling the man back out of his thoughts. There was a softness in Buck’s eyes that Eddie failed to put words to. „I will always answer when you call. I’ll always have your back, remember?“
Eddie didn’t know if he wanted to laugh of cry. Right here, talking over a shared platter of appetizers, Eddie felt closer to Buck then he had in over a year.
„Yeah, I- I’ll always have your back, too.“
A quiet understanding settled between the men. It wasn’t the same as it had been before Bobby’s death, before Eddie had left for Texas. But maybe that was okay. Maybe growing up meant moving forward, creating something new out of the embers of what was left behind.
„You gotta call me next time you’re in the hospital, though, okay? You know how stupid I looked when Harry asked me what had happened? I’m supposed to be the person he looks up to, how can I be that if I don’t even know when my best friend has been attacked!“
„It wasn’t even that bad… just a shiner and a cut on my arm. Bruising’s already going down…“ Eddie mumbled, busying himself with picking up another stuffed pepper with the little fork the appetizers came with.
„Oh yeah? You really played up the battered hero act when I got there, though…“ Eddie could clearly hear the teasing in Buck’s voice.
„Whatever, I could’ve taken him out in one go, I just didn’t want to traumatize Abigail even more“ Eddie quipped back, taking a sip of his drink and smirking at the same time.
„Oh really, Diaz? Going back to your underground fighter days? You know, even back then you were all talk. Sometimes I think someone should show you better uses for that smart mouth of yours.“
Eddie was thankful he wasn’t drinking or chewing anything in that moment. He would for sure have choked at Buck’s words. Was- was he flirting? Was that Buck flirting? How did Buck flirt? Had Eddie ever witnessed Buck flirting with someone?
Wanna go for the title? - What’cha looking at, Eddie?
Eddie internally shook his head. That had not been… no. Buck had never… He didn’t feel like that for Eddie… right?
„Doesn’t matter, though. I’m just glad everyone came out almost unscathed“ Buck continued, seemingly oblivious to Eddie’s inner turmoil. „And I think the firefighter auction might have left you even more traumatized than being attacked by a manic religious zealot did.“
„I recall I wasn’t the only one who didn’t want to sign up for it…“
„Hey, I threw out my back! That was a reasonable excuse not to do sign up for it!“ Buck rebuked around his glass. They had made their way through the appetizers and were both sitting back in their chairs, smirking at each other over their banter.
„For a thrown out back, you sure put on a good show“ Eddie mused. He didn’t know what it was, it couldn’t be the alcohol, seeing as he didn’t have any, but the carefree atmosphere, the light-hearted conversation between them, maybe even the flirtatious undertones from Buck all made Eddie let lose for once. He didn’t want to have to overthink every step he was taking. His and Buck’s relationship had always been easy, maybe letting things flow naturally and not overthinking would help it get back to how it used to be.
„Well, what can I say. Maddie gave me a pep talk and told me to shake my ass for the orphans“ Buck replied with a shrug and a smirk. Just in that moment, Arabella stopped at their table to swap out their empty plates for their main course. The dumbfounded look on her face almost had Eddie laugh out loud. The server didn’t comment, but she smirked when she filled their glasses with their respective wine choices. Eddie wondered what she thought their conversation had been about before she had came to their table. Did she think Buck was a professional dancer?
He’d have the body, but definitely not the moves for it!
„Just for the orphans? What about the widows? You leaving them out?“ Eddie prodded.
„Why? You know a widowed person in the audience that would’ve liked me shaking my ass for them?“
Eddie’s fork paused on its way to his mouth. He should have known Buck would go for it, he had left the field wide open. He glanced up from his plate to see Buck’s reaction. His opposite was smirking, obviously proud of his quick rebuttal.
Eddie had two choices: fessing up and admitting that he’d have certainly been an appreciative widower. Or evade at all costs.
„I’m sure the sewing circle that won you were all appreciative of your performance.“ This time, Eddie didn’t look up to see Buck’s reaction. No matter what it would be, he didn’t want to know.
„Oh, they’re so much fun! Blanche taught me how to knit and I even managed to change the color of the yarn already, even though I keep losing stitches and my hands cramp so fast holding the needles…“
Eddie smiled to himself, listening to Buck going on his spiel about his newfound hobby. His friend’s face was always so expressive when he talked about his passions. You could clearly see when he liked things - or didn’t. Buck’s poker game was awful. Eddie wondered how he had managed to win at the poker game Eddie had taken Buck to after the lightning strike. Rosen and Mehta should have had to see right through his bluffs back then. Eddie didn’t care that Buck couldn’t keep a straight face when he was excited, or frowned so deeply whenever he disagreed with something.
Eddie loved everything about Buck.
Shit. There it was. The thing Eddie hadn’t let himself even think, even after his epiphany. Because acknowledging it would make it true. And if it was true, it would change everything. Right?
Right?
„…anyways, so I said to her that we can totally meet again at my house. And they won’t even have to pay for it this time!“
Wow, Eddie hadn’t listened to any of what Buck had been saying.
„Uhuh. I’m glad you had a good time with them.“ Buck didn’t seem to notice that Eddie had been anywhere but at their table with his thoughts.
„Yeah, it’s really nice. I mean, I know they’re old and all that, but it’s nice to spend time with people that you know won’t have any ulterior motives. They like me for who I am. It’s like hanging out with you.“
„So I’m old?“
„What? No, I mean, you and I, we’re best friends. There’s no conditions to our friendship. I never really had that before…“
Eddie knew he shouldn’t prod, but he couldn’t help himself.
„What do you mean by that?“ Buck looked down at his plate, putting down his fork and leaning back in his chair before looking back up.
„It’s just- I never had many close friends. I knew a lot of people, but only few I would consider actual friends. And even with them, there were always strings attached. In college, people would hang out with me because they knew I would spend my tuition money on alcohol for their keggers. Or in Peru, people would include me in their groups because I was working at the bar and could get them discounts on drinks. Or girls would talk to me because they knew I didn’t mind sleeping around and having one night stands. Even with Taylor-“ Eddie had to stop himself from loudly scoffing at her name, „Even with Taylor I often had the feeling that she was just with me so she could get the inside scoop on emergencies. Which we know ended up kinda being the truth with the while Jonah thing. I just never had any friends who liked me for me. But with us, it’s different. We’re on the same page about our friendship. You would never take advantage of our friendship. You like me… for me.“
Well, shit. Now Eddie would never be able to tell Buck about his new-found feelings. That would just completely negate all the things he had just listed as things he appreciated about their friendship. Because they would always be just friends.
Eddie tried to delay looking at Buck, fiddling with his cutlery on his now empty plate. He didn’t think he could bear the look on Buck’s face. A look of pure friendship. Friendship that would never change to anything more.
But he had to look up eventually. And Eddie certainly didn’t expect the look on Buck’s face that he was presented with. Buck looked… pensive. A little in awe? Like he had just solved a really difficult math problem.
Eddie caught Buck’s eye, and the other man coughed slightly, shaken out of his thoughts. A slight flush crept up his neck, Eddie could see that even in the dim lighting.
„Anyways, that’s what I meant. It’s nice being surrounded by people who accept me for who I am, edges, corners and scars included.“
„Yeah… that’s nice.“ A silence swept over the table, interrupted only by the scratching of Buck’s fork and knife on his plate as he finished his food. Eddie clung to his wine glass as if his life depended on it.
His heart was beating in two rhythms as the same time. On the one hand, he wanted to keep the friendship that he had built with Buck over the last almost 8 years. They trusted each other blindly, could converse without words. Buck cared for Christopher as if he was his own son. Eddie knew that he would never get that relationship with anyone else. And he appreciated and would forever be grateful for Buck. A life with Buck in it was a life fulfilled.
But the other part of his heart screamed for Eddie to confess to Buck that his feelings had changed. No, evolved. The feelings of friendship were still the same as before, but another layer had been added. A layer that would make Eddie the happiest he had ever been in his life, he was sure of that. Taking the relationship they had cultivated to another level would elevate every part of his life. But it would mean that Eddie’s intentions in their friendship hadn’t always been as pure as Buck described them to be. Even if his feelings had only changed within the last week, it still meant that for these seven days, Eddie’s intentions for his friendship with Buck weren’t entirely genuine. There was a layer that was unsaid. Not acted upon, yes, but still unsaid.
Maybe Eddie should have let Buck drive after all. Then he’d have been able to drown his sorrows in alcohol. As such, he clung onto his last dregs of wine, yearning for something stronger to numb the feeling of his own heart breaking at the knowledge that, for their friendship’s sake, Eddie would never be able to be completely content in life.
„Wow, this was really good. Thank you for inviting me to come along. Canceling the reservation would really have been a waste“ Buck announced then, ignorant of the literal crisis going on in Eddie’s head.
„Uhh, yeah, it was really good. Thank you for keeping me company“ Eddie tried to keep his voice neutral, but he was sure everyone in the room could hear his heart breaking with every second he continued to sit across from Buck and not admit to his feelings.
„Hey, you know I’m always up for good food.“
„Then we could have just saved money and stayed home and you could’ve cooked!“ Eddie quipped. He didn’t know how he kept being able to make jokes like this. He’d much rather curl up under the table and cry.
„Next time, then…“
„Yeah, next time…“ A second of silence, then, „do you want dessert? Or we could take it to go?“
„I could go for the Tiramisu. It’s not too late yet, we could hang out for a bit. Unless you have other plans?“
Eddie shook his head so fast, he was worried he was giving himself whiplash.
„No, no plans. Chris is at Hen and Karen’s for a sleepover with Denny. So I have nowhere to be…“ He flagged down their waitress, ordering two pieces of Tiramisu to go and their check.
„Cool, that’s- yeah…“ Buck’s voice trailed off, his eyes focussed on where he was tapping his fingers against the edge of the table.
Eddie didn’t know why Buck was nervous all of a sudden. He only ever got fidgety when he was nervous. Had Eddie not been as careful with keeping his feelings behind bars after all? Was Buck uncomfortable with being around Eddie, because he knew his feelings had changed?
Had Eddie already fucked up everything, without even saying a single word?
„Okay, gentlemen, I hope you enjoyed your evening tonight. Here’s your desserts to go and this is your receipt for tonight’s dinner. I hope you have a lovely rest of your evening and we’d love to see you again some time“ Arabella’s voice broke through Eddie’s spiraling thoughts. He looked up to smile at their server, but he was sure the smile more closely resembled a grimace.
„Yes, thank you. Dinner was amazing. We’ll be back for sure…“
The drive back to Buck’s house was quiet safe for the soft music playing in the background. Eddie watched Buck out of the corner of his eyes. The other man’s hand was supporting his head on the side window, his eyes trailing the passing cars outside.
Eddie was scared. This wasn’t the way this evening was supposed to end. This entire evening had turned out differently than he had thought. He had planned to go out to dinner with Maddie, exchange gossip from the dispatch center and the fire station with her, bitch about annoying co-workers. Instead, he was circling a mental breakdown because he had admitted to himself that he was in love with his best friend. Said best friend, who now wasn’t talking to him anymore. How could one evening have fucked up his life so much?
And Eddie had no idea how to salvage this situation.
For the second time that night, LA traffic was surprisingly tame and the drive passed much quicker than anticipated. Which was okay. It meant less time cooped up in the car next to a silent and brooding Buck. Buck, who would probably end their friendship within the next few moments, offended by the clandestine change in feelings on Eddie’s part.
Eddie stayed sitting when he parked the truck in Buck’s driveway. There was another beat of silence between them.
„You want to come inside? I have wine and beer in the fridge.“
And because Eddie was a masochist and liked punishing himself, he said yes to the offer.
He trailed Buck on the way to the front door, the bag with their dessert clutched tightly in his hands, the only thing he had to hold onto. To use as a shield in case Buck turned around and accused him of using their friendship for ulterior ends.
Would throwing the Tiramisu at Buck’s head buy him enough time to make it back to the truck and reverse out of the driveway?
„Sorry about the state of things, I didn’t expect to go out to dinner tonight.“ Buck didn’t sound like he was on the verge of accusing Eddie of tainting their friendship, but that didn’t mean anything.
„That’s okay.“ Eddie accepted the bottle of beer and followed Buck out onto the patio. The weather was nice for the time of year, the evening air still mild despite it being March. They sat down on the outside settee, sinking into the plush cushions.
More silence. Eddie really started to hate silence.
„So, I have to ask. What was Maddie bidding on you all about? Are my sister and brother-in-law having marriage problems that I don’t know about, or…?“
Huh. Eddie thought Buck knew about Maddie and his deal…
„Well, I don’t know about their marriage problems, but that’s definitely not why Maddie bid on me“ Eddie admitted, turning his head to look at Buck. Buck’s eyes were already fixed on Eddie, curiosity plainly visible. „I asked Maddie to bid on me.“
„You asked my sister to bid on you at a firefighter bachelor auction?“ Buck repeated, his brows scrunching up in a frown. „Why?“
Yeah, Eddie? Why?
Eddie knew why. Of course he knew why. He’d stewed over the why of it all throughout the entire evening. The why was sitting right in front of him, with those big blue eyes that could look right into his soul. Eyes that Eddie couldn’t look at anymore.
„Eddie?“
Fuck it, here goes nothing.
„I… I didn’t want to go on a date with some random woman.“ He fixed his gaze on his bottle of beer, hands fiddling with the corners of label.
„Oh, okay. Well, it could have been fun though, right? You could have met the woman of your dreams. I hate to break it to you, buddy, but you don’t get out much. This auction was probably the easiest way for you to meet a woman. Unless you want to go back and try the clubbing scene? We could try bar-hopping? Bars that aren’t brass and ladder? Or you could try the apps again, there’s so many different ones and-“
„I don’t want to meet any women…“ Eddie’s voice was small, barely audible, yet there they were, his words. Out in the open.
„Wh-what?“ Buck sounded like he had seen a ghost. Eddie still refused to look at him. „Eds?“
„I don’t want to go out and meet women. I don’t want to go on dates with women…ever.“
Eddie dared to glance at Buck through his lashes, his head still tilted down, his fingers still busy trying to rip the label off his beer bottle. Buck looked…like someone had exited out of his software, leaving him infinitely buffering.
„Oh.“
„Yeah.“
Silence. More damn silence.
„Uhm, okay. Than- thank you for telling me.“
„You’re welcome?“
Buck chortled. Eddie tried to keep the corner of his mouth from lifting.
„You’re such a little shit, Eddie.“
Huh. This had been easier than Eddie had expected. Obviously he hadn’t revealed the BIG FUCKING SECRET but this part hadn’t been as life-changing as he had built it up to be in his head.
Buck busied himself with fishing out their dessert from the bag, pushing one of the plastic containers in Eddie’s direction and opening his own. He shoved a large piece of the cake in his mouth, moaning when the flavors hit his taste buds.
Buck really shouldn’t make those noises in Eddie’s company.
„Oh my God, this is the best thing ever!“ Buck hummed, going for another spoonful immediately.
Was it really that easy? Admit to your best friend that you’re not straight and then immediately go over to dessert? No questions? No explanations? No suspicious looks?
But then again, Eddie should have known. This was Buck. Everything was easier with Buck.
„Okay, this might be super insensitive and I’m sorry, but I have to ask“ Buck said then. So maybe no ‚no questions asked‘ after all. „You said you don’t want to date women. Which is totally fine. But… does that mean you don’t want to date anyone? As in, you’re not interested in anyone, regardless of gender? Or is it just the women part that you’re not interested in. So would you rather… like, would you be open to meeting… I mean, not just meeting in the literal sense, but dating, like, go on a date with-“
„I’m gay, Evan.“ Eddie finally looked at Buck openly, daring himself to withstand the scrutiny. He was being his most truthful self right now, and that self didn’t deserve to cower in the shadows.
„Oh, right. Got it“ Buck nodded. The cogs in his head were obviously turning, trying to compute the new information. „So, we could totally go check out gay bars if you want? I never went to any with Tommy“ Eddie really had to keep himself from scoffing when he heard that name, „but I’ve been to a few and they’re pretty cool. Super chill. I’m sure you would meet someone there you might like.“
„I’m not really looking to meet anyone right now, Buck.“ Eddie didn’t necessarily like where this conversation seemed to be heading. He was fine with keeping the more crucial part of his secret just that - a secret. Because while coming out to his best friend might not have changed anything in their relationship, revealing just who was responsible for Eddie’s sexuality revelation would most definitely change everything.
„That’s cool. We don’t have to do anything right now. But maybe in the future. You never know“ Buck conceded. „I really just want the best for you, Eddie. You’re my best friend. You deserve to be happy.“
And wasn’t that just the sweetest thing Buck had ever said?
„Thank you, Buck. I am happy“ Eddie admitted, and it was the truth. He was happy. With Buck by his side, how could he be anything but happy. So happy, that maybe, saying more wouldn’t be something that made him inherently unhappy.
„But I don’t think me not wanting to date anyone will ever change. At least not anyone new“ his last words were almost inaudible. Eddie hadn’t meant to say them. He had been so certain he would take that admission to his grave, but his heart had had other plans.
„If you feel like that, then that’s valid, Eddie. No one gets to tell you how you are supposed to feel. Meeting new people can be terrifying, so if you want to date someone who you already know, then…“ The last spoonful of Tiramisu stilled midway between Buck’s plate and his mouth. „Uhh, you- you know someone who you’d want to date?“
Eddie nodded. He didn’t trust his voice anymore. Not after blurting out what he had meant to keep hidden before.
„Do I know that person?“ Buck sounded… hopeful. He cast his eyes down, putting his spoon back on his plate and knotting his fingers in his lap.
This was it. Eddie would never blatantly lie to Buck. He couldn’t. He was physically incapable of lying to the man that had been his rock ever since meeting. Buck deserved honesty. If that honesty destroyed their friendship, then so be it. But at least Eddie would have been open with Buck.
And maybe, if Eddie gauged the emotions Buck’s tone of voice conveyed correctly, he didn’t need to worry about ruining their friendship either. Maybe his honesty was exactly what they needed to move forward.
„Yeah, you know him“ Eddie admitted, then, after another beat of silence, „he and I used to be partners.“
For a moment, Eddie didn’t dare meet Buck’s eyes, too scared what he might find there. Too scared he might have misjudged Buck’s words after all. But when brown orbs met blue ones, there was nothing between them but honesty. Honesty, peace and a spark of awe.
„I think-“ Buck cleared his throat, the sound deafening in the silence that had closed around them. A silence that held them like a warm embrace, a silence that was heavy with potential. „I think he would really like to be with you as well.“
Eddie’s heart felt like exploding. In a good way. In a way he’d never thought he’d get to experience. He had made so many bad decisions in his life, so many mistakes, yet here he was, making undoubtedly the right decision.
„This time, he should be the one paying, though.“
With a snort Buck fell forward, pulling Eddie close by the collar of his shirt. For a second, their eyes met, before both sets of eyes closed and lips met for what would hopefully be their last first kiss in life. It felt like homecoming, like arriving at a destination that had always been just a little bit out of reach. Buck’s lips tasted like coffee and cream, like a future together that was founded on years of trust and memories. The gentle press of lips mirrored whisper-soft traces of fingers over shoulders, arms, down the panes of Buck’s broad chest. Fingers that explored bodies that were known, yet uncharted. Buck’s soft stubble scratched Eddie’s the smooth skin of Eddie’s chin and cheeks, promising more in depth exploration in the near future.
After a moment that felt like eternity, Eddie pulled back slightly, his eyes still closed, his heart full of bliss. He rested his forehead against Buck’s, nudging the man’s nose with his own.
„You did mean me when you said that, right?“
Eddie shoved Buck back with a groan, hearing the other man chuckle as he let himself fall back into the plush cushions.
„No Buck, I was talking about Ravi.“ Eddie’s words were undermined by his actions, settling back down on the settee and turning himself into Buck’s side, his head cushioned on the taller man’s chest, his ear pressed to his heart. The steady thump of the vital organ sang Eddie’s most favorite song.
„Just making sure, here. I didn’t exactly see this coming…“
„It’s more of a recent revelation. You really did shake your ass for the widows, too.“
Buck cackled, he actually cackled!
„We’re pretty dumb, huh?“ he quipped, pressing a kiss to the crown of Eddie’s head. „I only realized tonight, too. That I was looking for something that has been right in front of me for a long time.“ He then let out a long-suffering groan.
„What’s up?“
„I will get the biggest I-told-you-so from Maddie when I tell her about this.“ Eddie looked up from his position on Buck’s chest, hooking his chin over Buck’s shoulder.
„Why is that?“
„Well, she was basically convinced that I was in love with you a year ago. She’ll never let me live it down that it took me this long to realize that she was right.“ Eddie’s smile was immeasurably soft at hearing those words.
„Better late than never, right?“ He replied, turning his head back to Buck’s chest, pressing a kiss to where he knew his clavicle was hidden beneath the maroon sweater. His lips fit there just as well as his thumb did. Eddie’s most favorite spot. „And the feeling is mutual, by the way.“
Laying his head back down, Eddie thought back to the beginning of the evening. So much had changed, and all because the evening hadn’t gone the way he had thought it would at the start of it. If Jee hadn’t been sick then… wait.
„Do you think Maddie would use her children to her advantage?“
„100%. Mads is sneaky like that. Why do you ask?“ Eddie grinned. He would have to send Maddie a bouquet of flowers and spoil Jee-Yun with toys for the rest of her life.
„I don’t think Jee is actually sick…“